Communication: Who's job is it?

[JustAskJulie]

I recently read "The Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell and one of the many really interesting points in the book is about how different cultures handle communication. The point in the book was about the large number of airline crashes on Asian airlines in the 90s. It turned out that among Asians it is up to the person LISTENING to interpret correctly what the speaker is saying. That combined with the many levels of hierarchy within their culture made it very difficult for say a co-pilot to let the pilot know that there was really an issue and they were goin to crash. He was forced to basically hint at it and hope that the pilot understood what he meant or was paying enough attention to what was going on to realize it himself. This, obviously, didn't work out so well and resulted in a lot of plane crashes. The way they corrected it was to bring in some outsiders on communication. They actually changed the primary language for airlines to English which changed the way they communicated overall. It allowed the co-pilot to say exactly what he needed to say.

This had me thinking a good bit about communication in general and who's job it was to make sure that communication was clear. I think that what they saw with the Asian co-pilot/pilot relationship is similar to what we often see in forums and sometimes even in real life.

Is it up to just the person speaking to make sure that what they are saying is clear and that the listener gets all the info they need in a clear and concise manner? Maybe.

But, is it also up to the listener to ask questions and ensure that they have all the information and that they understood what they heard? I believe so.

Communication is a two-way street, it involves both a speaker and an ACTIVE listener. An active listener doesn't just sit back and absorb what the person speaking is saying, they ask questions to ensure that what they understand the speaker to be saying is what the speaker actually means.

That's my opinion, anyway.

[sweet_tna]

I'm with you on this one, Julie. It's the speaker's responsibility to make sure that his/her message gets across, and the listener's job to make sure he/she understands what the speaker is saying. The real trick of it all is for both parties to accept responsibility when the inevitable misunderstandings occur.

=)

[The Fuse]

A long time ago I heard something I've never forgotten: every one of us, no matter the situation, should assume we are responsible for 51% of the communication.

I really took that to heart and try to live by it, no matter whether I'm listening, speaking, writing, reading, or even just watching. Okay, when you're just watching, it's difficult. But you can still be looking for clues in body language.

Anyway, to be more succinct -- the answer to "Communication: Whose Job is It?" is: It's my job.

[JustMrJ]

I agree with everyone, communication is VITAL for this LifeStyle, not only between SOs/Spouses, but also for your play partners and yourself.

An easy tip for being a good communicator is this...

Listen to what the person is saying, then AFTER they are finished, repeat it back to them and ask, "Is that right?".

This is very good for subjects like boundaries and rules. It makes sure that BOTH parties are on the same page.

[gatorvol64]

I agree its a two way street. For example, Gator can tell me something and it's his job to try to make himself as clear as possible in what he is trying to convey. However, it's my responsibility to listen well enough to understand him. Even if it means literally saying "Ok, I just heard X, is that what you meant to say?" Now, normally, it doesn't come down to such an obvious question as that but, we have actually said those words before.

Fuse, I like that and will try to remember to keep that in mind in the future. If both people involved are taking 51% of the responsibility, then misunderstandings should occur less frequently.

Vol

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Okay, when you're just watching, it's difficult. But you can still be looking for clues in body language.

I've read it reported that body language and visual clues are actually more important to what message gets received that the words being said are. If you are sending out the wrong cues, it doesn't matter how succinct your words are, your message probably isn't being received in the manner you want it to be by your words. An example is the old "what's wrong honey?" and the answer back is "nothing" delivered with a scowl or some other visual clue that leaves no doubt that something is actually very wrong and now probably isn't the best time to talk about it.

That also works the other way, and that is the one I struggle with. To be a good listener, you've got to be giving good positive feedback, including visual. I'm told I sometimes send out obvious signals that I am not interested in something even though I may be saying I am out of politeness, willing to be a sounding board, or whatever. When I'm feeling defensive, frustrated, etc., it shows visually in my body language before it does in my words.

What I don't understand though is how sometimes I can be read perfectly, but other times it's completely off the mark and people think I'm mad/frustrated/disappointed/etc. when I'm really, truly not. That bothers me, but I have never been able to pin down why it happens sometimes and what I can do to correct it.

Communication is everyone's job, and it's a full-time one!

[TNT]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Communication is a two-way street, it involves both a speaker and an ACTIVE listener. An active listener doesn't just sit back and absorb what the person speaking is saying, they ask questions to ensure that what they understand the speaker to be saying is what the speaker actually means.

Originally Posted by JustMrJ

An easy tip for being a good communicator is this...

Listen to what the person is saying, then AFTER they are finished, repeat it back to them and ask, "Is that right?".

Definitely a two-way street. The speaker must strive to make their point coherent and the listener must strive to "hear" and understand what the speaker is saying.

I got a chuckle out of MrJ's comment...growing up my mother ALWAYS had us repeat back to her what she said to us...after we repeated it back she'd ask..."Do you understand what I just said"? We were also always made to look her in the eye when talking...(eye rolling was not advised)....I've found myself doing the exact same thing with my own children...I speak, I want them to look at me and I want them to repeat what I just said, repeating as necessary on both our parts, until I'm assured there is no misunderstandings about what was being discussed.

Both the speaker and the listener carry responsibility to assure all is understood.


Teresa

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by TNT

We were also always made to look her in the eye when talking...(eye rolling was not advised)....

What was it with our eye sockets when we were kids? Our eyes just seemed to start rolling around uncontrollably as soon as the parents started speaking.
I've noticed my teenager has been afflicted with the same condition.


I'm going to steal what The Fuse said about being responsible for 51% of the communication. Love it!