Trust, Snooping and Cheating

[christyann]

My bf and i have been together on and off for two years. he has experience in the lifestyle and i am brand new. we've had a few mff threesomes...after one i ended out leaving him (i was six mo preggo and we were NOT getting along) and he took off with the other girl.

The baby was born and we ended out back together....we didn't live together for the winter though, and i think he was cheating. he said nothing happened but i saw his phone and he was totally drunk texting some girl to "come over now" because he "wants that pussy hard." and one girl was constantly texting her but he said she was all talk anyway and it was for us, if i found a single guy to get with. (btw, he FREAKED when i saw his texts, even though he handed me his phone and asked me to put minutes on for him) if you have nothing to hide, why all the privacy?

(we have agreed to couples only and no one either of us works with.) now he's in another state, waiting for the baby and i to join him. he knows i know the password to his email, but he doesn't change it. i know i shouldn't snoop but i'm overcome with temptation. we just discussed and agreed on not doing anything without each other....and he's still responding to personal ads. single girls and couples for single guys.

i don't know what to do. i really want this life i think i could have with him...but trust and honesty, pretty central to that life right? i've connected with a lot of couples in the new state that i can't wait to meet, but i don't even know if i want to do anything with my guy anymore. i know we're going to at least have to know each other forever because of the baby though, so leaving him is not so cut and dry. not to mention i have feelings for him...i'm fairly isolated, and not a lot of people to talk to right now...so any advice? thank you.

[two4youinswva]

Since we're hearing only one side of the story, I don't know what you should do.

However, I do know what you should NOT do, and that is to involve swinging in this relationship.

Swinging is for healthy relationships. Based on what you've shared, your relationship is not healthy at this time.
First thing: Decide if this relationship is worth the time and effort to save. If it is, then put 100% of your focus (both of you) into this.
You two may be able to handle swinging down the road sometime, but that time is not now.

Best of luck to all of you.

[christyann]

i don't even know how to go forward. we've just gotten out of counselling. he insists that swinging is a requirement of any relationship for him....he's expecting it soon. i don't know, the problem i'm having is more related to gen relationships...not involving swinging. what do i do with i guy who is lying to me, when i know he's lying because i've been snooping? we're both naughty. as far as i know, nothing has happened...but why's he looking so hardcore? what do i do with a guy who insists that he needs privacy and personal space and time when i know that honesty and communication is central to every relationship?

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by christyann

i don't know what to do. i really want this life i think i could have with him...but trust and honesty, pretty central to that life right?

Originally Posted by christyann

i don't even know how to go forward. we've just gotten out of counselling. he insists that swinging is a requirement of any relationship for him....he's expecting it soon. i don't know, the problem i'm having is more related to gen relationships...not involving swinging. what do i do with i guy who is lying to me, when i know he's lying because i've been snooping? we're both naughty. as far as i know, nothing has happened...but why's he looking so hardcore? what do i do with a guy who insists that he needs privacy and personal space and time when i know that honesty and communication is central to every relationship?

It really sounds to me that you're in a toxic relationship with this guy. Maybe he's just looking for permission to cheat. Swinging is NOT a requirement in any relationship. Trust, communication, honesty and RESPECT are some of the foundations of successful swinging relationships, and I'm not seeing where any of those attributes are evident between either you or him.

I don't have an answer for you because I think whatever I say won't be taken with consideration. Personally, I'd kick him to the curb -- at least for now. Hopefully, you have enough self-respect that you can do what you need to do. Maybe you already know your own answers but just need some reassurance. I don't know. What I do know is that I wish you and your child well.

[christyann]

sorry to come crying here, everyone...i know i sound like an idiot, i'm just hoping for some advice and insight from folks in the lifestyle. thank you for reading and replying.

he's told me before that i'll never be enough for him. he told me he doesn't think any girl will ever be enough for him. i just assumed that was part of the lifestyle, i'm beginning to think i was just being duped...

[VegasLee]

It is time for you to move on and find a person that loves you and has some respect for you and stop chasing something that does not work for you.

Don't even need to hear the other side of this story. You have said enough to pretty much let the world know that you and him just are not cut out for each other.

You don't trust him and that is the biggest part of any relationship.

He requires that you swing or he don't want you.

Any time it is like that then it won't work. You have to have two people that want to swing but not one doing it just so that they can be with someone else.

Good luck to you. I hope you and that baby find the right person to make your life right.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by christyann

he's told me before that i'll never be enough for him. he told me he doesn't think any girl will ever be enough for him. i just assumed that was part of the lifestyle, i'm beginning to think i was just being duped...

No, that is not part of the "lifestyle".

I think you know the answer to your dilemma. Step back and read what you've told us as if it was not your story, but that of a friend. What would your advice be to them?

[christyann]

i tried to do the right thing and have a conversation with him. i admitted that i snooped and i admitted that it was wrong. told him i want to trust him and called him out. he said he was setting me up. he said he knew i was checking and he wanted to know what i would say. i asked him to change his password, told him it was too tempting. told him i thought what he did was really counterproductive to having a healthy relationship (as was what i did...) he said he doesn't trust anyone and changed the subject. said he didn't want to talk anymore and we'd talk tomorrow.
i need to finish a conversation! he wont hear me out, ever. now i feel, well...good about talking to him. i feel like the guilty party, which of course i am but...i just don't know. when do you know you're in a manipulative and abusive relationship? can these things be mended?? thank you.

[JustMrJ]

I can say from having a nearly eight year bad marriage... get out while you can. This guy is destructive for your relationship.

To me... it sounds like he's turned this around to be your fault.

In a good relationship (swinging or not) you BOTH need to be open and honest in your communication, have complete trust in your SO and of course love is a big factor that contributes and motivates the other three.

All I'm seeing here is a guy that likes to have sex with multiple partners and has made it a requirement of his relationship without ever ASKING if that is okay with you or your thoughts on the matter. Can you say "One Way Street"?

Kick him to the curb, take care of your baby and yourself. Find a real man with a real pair and a good heart and mind.

Good luck to you. *HUGS*

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by christyann

iHe insists that swinging is a requirement of any relationship for him....he's expecting it soon.

Bullshit. Swinging is NOT a requirement of any relationship. Swinging begins first with the relationship being healthy and solid, not the other way around. What he's actually saying is "having sex with other women is a requirement of any relationship for me". Having sex is only part of swinging, it's not all of it.

Originally Posted by christyann

What do i do with i guy who is lying to me, when i know he's lying because i've been snooping? we're both naughty. as far as i know, nothing has happened...but why's he looking so hardcore? what do i do with a guy who insists that he needs privacy and personal space and time when i know that honesty and communication is central to every relationship?

With no disrespect, "duh". The answer is blatantly obvious here. Either he grows up, stops lying to you and treats you with respect or it's time to move on. Think of it this way; do you want your child to grow up in an environment where her father routinely lies to her mother and her mother takes it, accepts it as normal? What will you be teaching that child?

Originally Posted by christyann

sorry to come crying here, everyone...i know i sound like an idiot, i'm just hoping for some advice and insight from folks in the lifestyle. thank you for reading and replying.

You are not an idiot!!!! It's fine to ask questions.

Originally Posted by christyann

he's told me before that i'll never be enough for him. he told me he doesn't think any girl will ever be enough for him. i just assumed that was part of the lifestyle, i'm beginning to think i was just being duped...

Yes, you're being duped. It might unintentional on his part (he might be duping himself), but you're being duped.

Originally Posted by christyann

he said he doesn't trust anyone and changed the subject.

If he doesn't trust anyone, how can you expect him to ever trust you? The very foundation of a relationship is trust. Without it, you have nothing. Not to mention inability to swing. You can't swing without trust, just like you can't swim without water. You have to have trust. Without it, there's no relationship.

Originally Posted by christyann

When do you know you're in a manipulative and abusive relationship?

I think you already know the answer to this question.

Originally Posted by christyann

Can these things be mended?? thank you.

Yes, but only if both parties are truthful, trustworthy, honest and completely open with each other. It can take effort to be that way, and it can be frightening to be so open. The rewards are immense, but many people fear going there.

If it were me in this situation, I'd lay some very clear ground rules. First, if the rules are broken it's over. Second, no playing with other women PERIOD until the relationship is on solid ground, and let's be honest it most emphatically is NOT on solid ground right now. Third, get back into counseling as you need a LOT more of it (and this is not an option). Fourth, any further discussions with him will always have truthful, honest answers. No secrecy. No hiding. No inviolable private space and time. Fifth, you will respect his individuality, need for space, and will entreat with him according to the same rules.

Don't even THINK about moving to this other state until this groundwork is laid.

If he can't abide by these rules, the relationship is over. Thank him for his time and energy in the relationship, but make it clear there is no future. File a paternity suit immediately (any child support is not retroactive in most (all?) states), and get support payments started immediately. Stay in the state you are, and request full custody, with visitation allowed.

Just because he's the father of your baby doesn't mean you have to accept an abusive relationship. You're in one now.

[IvoryTowers]

Originally Posted by christyann

i know we're going to at least have to know each other forever because of the baby though, so leaving him is not so cut and dry. not to mention i have feelings for him...i'm fairly isolated, and not a lot of people to talk to right now...so any advice? thank you.

First of all, just because you have a child doesn't mean you have to have a relationship. After they got divorce, my parents were completely apart and almost never spoke, but managed to make me feel loved. And honestly, I wouldn't want to let a kid anywhere near this guy until he grows up! So I think you shouldn't use your child as an excuse to cling to an unhealthy relationship.

Second, it seems likely that your social isolation is both caused by this relationship and feeding it, in that the more lonely you feel, the more your feelings for him seem important and the relationship worth preserving.

Instead of trying to fix what is clearly a completely disfunctional relationship, find yourself friends who share your morals and interests, whether they be swingers or not. What's important now is that you feel confident and happy with your life and yourself, before you try to meet anyone else.

Good luck, and if you find these forums helpful know that you can come here and ask questions even if you aren't swinging yourself.

[N8ture Girl]

Originally Posted by christyann

i know we're going to at least have to know each other forever because of the baby though, so leaving him is not so cut and dry. not to mention i have feelings for him...i'm fairly isolated, and not a lot of people to talk to right now...so any advice? thank you.

I was in a bad relationship for 9 years. I knew after 4 years that this wasnt right and what he was doing to me was wrong. But shortly after we were married, we moved from my home town to his (Va to Indiania) I left all my family and friends....and when I got there I knew no one, except a few of his family members. I felt alone with no way out, no money. Its a horrible feeling! I felt it was my wifely duty to stay and try and make it work. About 7 years into the marriage, we moved to NC, then back to VA. Finially home and can make a break for it....only to be dumped by him....
I learned alot from that relationship, it made me a stronger person, and so much more. I now have a wonderful man in my life who respects me, loves me, and would never hurt me!

I ditto what the other posters have said. This is not a healthy relationship for you or your child. If it were me I would drop this guy like a hot rock. What about your family? Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and ask your family for help.

Good luck!

[Additude]

Christyann,

How you see this relationship with him now is how this relationship with him is going to be for the rest of your life.

Is that what you want?

Maturing as an adult is a process of accepting the ability to make tough decisions. We all have the ability to make tough decisions, it's just a matter of if we make them or not. For each one, we mature and grow more wise and emotionally stronger. For each one, we become better shepherds of ourselves and of our children.

You will have many more tough decisions ahead of you. How to deal with the emotional trauma of your babies daddy within the context of a loving, caring relationship doesn't need to be one of them.

[screaminggood]

Have you thought of having an individual session with your therapist? He/she knows both of you and would be able to help you decide what's realistic or not.