NovaSure: To do it or not do it..That is my question..

I apologize now for the long post but hoping that maybe the woman on the board can help me with the biggest decision of my life....Here goes..

As you all may have read on a previous post, I am currently waiting to hear from my doctor to make sure that all my testing from my physical comes back okay for me to know whether or not I can go ahead with the NovaSure procedure.

My situation is that when MrVan and I had met and started dating, we both were on the same page. We both did not want any more children. Although MrVan is fixed I know that this is not an option for us unless he was to have it reversed. But I would love to have a child of our own with him. Yes we both have children from a previous marriage and both of us where in the situation where it was not a planned thing. But we both made the best of both situations and did what we needed to do.

I am 32 years old, and I am so desperatly wanting to have a child with MrVan and although I know in my mind it is not possible, I still have the urge and it seems like it has become more of a feeling for me than before. Yes I have had the feeling for the past 5 years but have kept it to myself. But the other night MrVan and I were talking about this and my feelings are starting to hit me because I am taking a very big step in getting the NovaSure done for health reasons. But now I am questioning my decision to do this. I feel like I am going back on our conversations when we first started dating about not wanting children, but my motherly instinct is kicking in. I want another child but it is not going to happen.

So how do I get over my feelings of wanting to have another child? How do I get over the feelings I am struggling with of actually giving this up by having the NovaSure done? I know I need to get this done for health issue reasons but on the flip side I do not want to get it done cause then it means I am giving up what I so desperatly want and I guess a part of me is seeing that I am giving up what is the most important part of being a woman.

I need help in making sure I am doing the right thing but I really need some advise on how to deal with my emotions and feelings I am having. If anyone has been in this situation could you please give me some advise?

MrsVan

[Speed & Trixie]

My mom went through similar emotions when she had a hysterectomy (emergency for health reasons). My brother and I were in high school at the time, and Mom had known since brother was born she couldn't have any more children and survive herself. And she was fine with it for a long long time... Yet a big part of her depression, according to her, was the FINALNESS of it. Knowing she could never entertain the thought of having another baby again was sad for her, even though she'd never really want to DO it.

I'm not sure if that helps or not.

You're considering a big decision, and you're bound to have all kinds of emotions right now. Maybe you and Mr. Van could sit down and write a list of pros and cons for each decision. Sometimes (for me at least), writing helps me clarify things.

I hope others will be more helpful LOL

Trixie

[sexcupid]

I will relate my own experience in the hope that it will help you a bit.

Immediately following the birth of my second child, I had my tubes tied. My doctor was smart in that he realized that it was futile to argue with a pregant woman and agreed to tie them. We had 2 children, I wasn't quite 23 at the time. But I was damn sure I didn't want to have anymore children. I had pretty babies, a girl and a boy...and we were done.

Well...fast forward a few years...one divorce and a boyfriend later. I end up with the unthinkable....a positive pregnancy test. So my doctor makes the astute observation 'well you heal very well' (it had been about 5 years since I had the procedure done)...which I thought might be a neat-o ability to have just in case I need to say...regenerate an arm or lung.

So...now...wow. An option that I thought I had forever shut off was opened back up to me. I'm in a new relationship with someone I love and honestly recalled being excited about being pregnant (which hadn't happened before...the other pregnancies had not been planned and it was a stressful time). Well it wasn't meant to be and I ended up having a miscarriage. But it did open the topic for discussion. Jeff has a child...that's in her early 20s. So he was definitely out of the 'parent' mindset.

And it was frustrating. And we eventually determined that since he didn't want children and I wasn't tolerating BCP very well...that he would be the one to be snipped (particuarly since it didn't quite work out so well for me last time). And I have to say...I didn't do too well during the run up to his appointment and I sat out in the waiting room and cried (thank god I was the only one out there). As Trixie posted...it was more the mourning the loss of what could potentially be and it was such a permanent solution.

I get the feeling that if I would have had the hissy fit I supressed in the doctor's office when we were in the exam room with him before the surgery that the doc would not have done it...he was firmly of the belief that couples needed to be on the same page...seems like a no brainer...but apparently he had seen it before lol. I didn't have that hissy fit because we had only been together for a year and a half and marriage still isn't something on the horizon. If we were married and I was that unsure, believe that I would have been having that meltdown in front of the doctor or well before we ever got to that point.

Sorry this is getting long...I'll wrap up now. Basically I realized it was for the best. I didn't want to have a child with someone who didn't want to (I guess the doubt would drive me nuts...is he staying because he feels obligated b/c of a child or because he actually wants to stay). I am pretty sure the grieving process is normal with this kind of decision. And the desires you are experiencing (particuarly with the increase in desire to be pregnant) are probably increasing intensity because of the impending procedure.

Have you talked to Mr. Van about the uptick in the pregnancy desire? I know it's kind of a biggie...and a long shot for actually happening...I'm sure he will provide plenty of support and help you through this tough time. If it is now a matter of health (not just wanting to be doubly safe) I would say you have to do what is best for you.

[N8ture Girl]

Mrs Van, I cant imagine what your feeling. And I dont really know what advice to offer. I do know that those of us that have dealt with some type of medical procedure that prevented the possibility of having children, we all have had those feelings to some degree. In your case the likely hood that Mr Van could have a successful reversal is small, and if its been longer than 5 years then its pretty unlikey. This doesnt mean that its still not possible. I did had a friend that had his sperm harvested which did work (which isnt as easy as it sounds...) However, something else to consider, with your health issues at this time, is it safe to have a child? What are the possible risks to you and the baby?
And one last thing to ponder, you do have a child and while its not with Mr Van, that is still a blessing that you both can share.

Deep down you know the answer.

Best wishes!

~Michelle~

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Have you talked to Mr. Van about the uptick in the pregnancy desire? I know it's kind of a biggie...and a long shot for actually happening...I'm sure he will provide plenty of support and help you through this tough time. If it is now a matter of health (not just wanting to be doubly safe) I would say you have to do what is best for you.

I have talked to Mr.Van about this just over the weekend as I am really struggling now with this decision and struggling with my feelings of really wanting to have a child with him. He feels like I am going back on our conversation that we had when we were dating and now 10 years later, I am wanting to have another child?? Especially when our oldest(his from a previous marriage)is now 19. He does not want to go down that road again and I kind of understand where he is coming from cause all of our children are almost grown and in 6 more years our children will all be out of school and on their own. MrVan has been supportive when we have talked about it but I know that he is probably thinking that I need to get this done, period. More because of my health issues. But I do not think he can relate to my feelings of wanting to have another child and by making this decision to have this procedure done I am giving up any opportunity. And that is what I am struggling with cause I am not sure I am wanting to give that up. I guess I kind of keep having some "wishful thinking" that maybe someday it will happen but I know it won't. I just do not know how to deal with these feelings..

Thanks for sharing your story with me. It sounds a lot like what I am struggling with except I know that MrVan is here for the long haul because we are married and we are happily in love with each other. Just wish I could shake what I feel.

MrsVan

Originally Posted by N8ture Girl

However, something else to consider, with your health issues at this time, is it safe to have a child? What are the possible risks to you and the baby?
And one last thing to ponder, you do have a child and while its not with Mr Van, that is still a blessing that you both can share.

Deep down you know the answer.

Best wishes!

~Michelle~

Michelle,

Thanks for the response. It is nice to know that others out there have had similar feelings as I am having now and yes, deep down I know the answer to this which is to have the procedure done but on the flip side my feelings are holding me back. As for this having an effect on my health or a babies health I would have to say no. My medical issue is that I am anemic and my periods are not helping me at all and the doctor's think that my cycle is what may be causing my anemia. So I would not think there could be any risk to either of us and if I knew there would be a health issue for either then I know that I would have to some how deal with my emotions just like I am trying to deal with them now. I am just not sure how to deal with them..How I let those emotions go..and for that reason is why I am posting here to get help on how to deal with these emotions in hopes that I can somehow get over this.



MrsVan

[Chicup]

If your 'main reason' is medical then what exactly have you done to prevent the anemia?

Diet changes?
Period suppressive BC?
Supplements?

If you were 42 thats one thing but you are 32, thats still YOUNG in terms of having children these days.

You have questions to answer here that go well beyond BC.

1. Do you want to have more children?
2. Does Mr.Van?
3. If he doesn't do you accept it?

Asking for anonymous people to give you the strength to overcome your misgivings isn't fair to yourself or us. We don't know you well enough to answer a question as utterly fundamental as this one for you. With something like this you will find people who think it was the best thing they ever did and others who cry themselves to sleep at night, but neither matter, only you do here.

Originally Posted by Chicup

If your 'main reason' is medical then what exactly have you done to prevent the anemia?

Diet changes?
Period suppressive BC?
Supplements?

Chicup,

I understand your opinion and everyone has a right to think the way that they do, however to answer some of your questions...As for the above, I do eat healthy, my diet I have changed. I refuse to use BC because of the other health risks this puts me for as I get older due to family history of breast cancer, etc. Therefore I have opted out of the BC choice. I do take iron but I have to take 325 mg three times a day and I have never been a great pill taker. I do not want to spend the rest of my life having to take these pills as it seems it is a losing battle when it comes to time for my cycle.

If you were 42 thats one thing but you are 32, thats still YOUNG in terms of having children these days.

I agree here, I am still young in terms of having children and this is why I am struggling with my emotions when it comes to making this choice.

You have questions to answer here that go well beyond BC.

1. Do you want to have more children?
2. Does Mr.Van?
3. If he doesn't do you accept it?

To answer the above questions- yes as you would have read in my previous posts, I would love to have more children, however MrVan has been fixed and he does not want anymore children. I accept he does not want any children but as many of the woman on this board will tell you a woman has a harder time coming to terms with something like this than a male may have. MrVan and I have talked about this and I understand his feelings and accept it and I know myself that we will not have any more children but a part of me is struggling to make this jump for myself and making it completely official.

Asking for anonymous people to give you the strength to overcome your misgivings isn't fair to yourself or us. We don't know you well enough to answer a question as utterly fundamental as this one for you. With something like this you will find people who think it was the best thing they ever did and others who cry themselves to sleep at night, but neither matter, only you do here.

As for your comment here, well first off you do not know me well and yes I am asking others to help in giving me some advise on how to handle my feelings and overcome what I am facing. This board is for people to ask for advise or get help on different things and well this is one of those things. I am not asking for people to solve my problem I am asking WOMAN who have gone through what I am going through. Men do not fully understand what woman go through when making these decisions and sometimes woman just need other woman to help with coping with these issues. I am sorry if my topic is not of extreme importance to you but to me it is very important and I know that there are other woman who understand exactly what I am going through and will help me in giving some good advice on how they too may have overcome this.

I know that everyone has a different perspective on this type of discussion because some may have struggled and some may have not. For some people it worked for them and others it didn't. Ultimately I know I am the one that matters and I am the one that will make my decision. I am not asking for people to say "no do not do it" or "yes go ahead and do it" I am simply asking for help on how to overcome the emotions that I am battling and how to possibly let go of something that will never happen no matter how hard I want to hold on.

Thank you for opinions and comments!

MrsVan

[The Fuse]

Chicup is right. In the end, we don't know you and you don't know us. We are all anonymous here. We know certain things about each other and can help sometimes, but this is Important.

Perhaps your doctor can recommend a counselor or someone to talk with you about this? You can't possibly be the only young woman facing this kind of decision. They must have some experience in helping people deal with their feelings and make the best decision for their particular situation. Getting advice here and writing about your feelings may help as well, just because working through things by writing is always a good thing.

Mr. Fuse and I got together when I was 25 and he was 24. We agreed that we didn't want children, but also discussed the possibility that one or both of us would start feeling differently once we started getting older. People mature and change, and I knew that it was quite possible that the desire to have children, which most people experience, would kick in. Well, I'm 42 and it hasn't happened yet. As I got into my late 30's, I was sort of holding my breath. I was afraid of the situation where I'd start to want children just as I was losing the ability to have them. Thank goodness, I just never felt that desire. He never changed his mind either... and we did discuss it every so often.

I'll bet that even though you and Mr. Van had this agreement, he is smart enough to know that as a woman you might start to feel differently as time went on. That is not to say a woman has a right to go back on their agreements, but certain things can't be ignored. The urge to have children can't be rationalized away, just as it can't be fabricated if it isn't there. I'm sure you and he both know it is just part of being human (for most people), and you didn't just say one day, "Gee, I think I'll decide I want a child, who cares what he thinks?" You wouldn't do that. It's something organic, that comes from inside uninvited. And now that you ARE having those feelings, neither of you can just dismiss them regardless of what has been said in the past.

You're dealing with fundamental things here -- instinct and your health. I wish you the best. I'll bet Mr. Van will always be loving and supportive of your feelings, even if you and he have some disagreements. I'm sorry I can't really relate to your situation.

[PB&J]

Hey Mrs Van

I do know where you're coming from. I had my ablation procedure when I was 35. I had my 2 boys, and I didn't really want any more children, and Mr PB had already had his snip, but gotta tell you, there was that weird moment before the surgery when I had to come to terms with the end of my fertility (except now, of course, I'm being warned that there's always the risk of a very dangerous pregnancy because they DIDN'T tie my tubes at the same time- that's what happens when you get a new procedure done before they work the bugs out. But I digress).

It's a hard thing to deal with. Even if you have compelling reasons for proceeding, it's permanent. And it was the permanence that freaked me out. It's always hard to close AND lock a door, I think. I have recommended the procedure to other women, but women in their 40's who are well past the "I want to have a child" time of their life.

I think that the Fuse's suggestion of some counselling is a good idea. Work through the feelings before you go ahead, or not. And good luck with whatever you decide.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by MrsVan

I have talked to Mr.Van about this just over the weekend as I am really struggling now with this decision and struggling with my feelings of really wanting to have a child with him. He feels like I am going back on our conversation that we had when we were dating and now 10 years later, I am wanting to have another child?? Especially when our oldest(his from a previous marriage)is now 19. He does not want to go down that road again and I kind of understand where he is coming from cause all of our children are almost grown and in 6 more years our children will all be out of school and on their own. MrVan has been supportive when we have talked about it but I know that he is probably thinking that I need to get this done, period. More because of my health issues. But I do not think he can relate to my feelings of wanting to have another child and by making this decision to have this procedure done I am giving up any opportunity. And that is what I am struggling with cause I am not sure I am wanting to give that up. I guess I kind of keep having some "wishful thinking" that maybe someday it will happen but I know it won't. I just do not know how to deal with these feelings..

Thanks for sharing your story with me. It sounds a lot like what I am struggling with except I know that MrVan is here for the long haul because we are married and we are happily in love with each other. Just wish I could shake what I feel.

MrsVan

MrsVan,

It's been 2 years since Jeff had the snip and it still bugs me sometimes. Definitely not overwhelming like my feelings at the time...but kind of like a little sorrow that makes itself known every once in a while. As someone else said, it's really hard to feel like that door is closed and locked. One thing to feel like it's closed and you can maybe come back and open it...another to feel like it is irrevocably slammed and nailed shut.

As for MrVan feeling like you are kind of reneging on the no more children discussion from 10 years ago...well 10 years is a long time...it's like saying you will always have big 80s hair because you used to have it and loved it and will never, ever change your mind. Sure, whether or not to have a child is not a trivial matter such as that...but it's kind of the same principle of saying the things you like, want, desire can be very fluid. I think that many women probably go thru the doubt you are experiencing during menopause as well. Yes, it's the 'natural' way that things end but it doesn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with/accept (except perhaps that whole not having periods thing, which i do sorta look forward to one of these days ).

When it comes to these types of matters, I know you aren't going to make a little poll and tick off 'do it' and 'don't do it' responses...sometimes it just helps knowing other folks have been there. The heart of the matter is, in almost all societies a woman's ability to have children is very tied into their feminine identity (and if you don't think that is true...check out a pregnancy or infertility message board sometime)...and when choices are made, your rational self may see the logic in doing something...yet your heart/emotions do not always follow along.

[MrkLin]

Originally Posted by MrsVan

As for your comment here, well first off you do not know me well and yes I am asking others to help in giving me some advise on how to handle my feelings and overcome what I am facing. This board is for people to ask for advise or get help on different things and well this is one of those things. I am not asking for people to solve my problem I am asking WOMAN who have gone through what I am going through. Men do not fully understand what woman go through when making these decisions and sometimes woman just need other woman to help with coping with these issues. I am sorry if my topic is not of extreme importance to you but to me it is very important and I know that there are other woman who understand exactly what I am going through and will help me in giving some good advice on how they too may have overcome this.

Mrs.Van - something you need to know about Chicup: He's a Doctor. Yes, an M.D. He's probably had this very same discussion more often than you've thought about it. The way I saw his post, he was coming at it from a purely medical standpoint, and for a very good reason - you're considering the Nova Sure procedure for a medical purpose. Now you're having second thoughts, and they're all completely understandable.

From the medical standpoint: you're considering this procedure for a reason - let's not forget that.

From the emotional standpoint: I can't, nor can anyone else on this board, help you. YOU have to make that decision. It sounds like you have a lot of talking to do with Mr.Van and your doctor. (Funny how this very thing keeps coming up on this board, huh?)

Summing up: please don't take everything so personally. Nobody (including me) in this thread meant anything in a derogatory manner. I'm not apologizing for Chicup, nor am I speaking for him. I'm giving you a bit of info about him that you probably didn't know. You asked for opinions, and you got them - some of them you won't like or agree with. Such is life. Please know that we're all on your side here - it's just that some of us may have a differing opinion.

No matter which way you go, and no matter what happens, please know that you do have friends here, and we wish you the best.

Mark

[lustylearning]

You've probably already thought about this, but, does your desire to have another child outweigh your desire to stay happily married with your husband? If it does not, then this emotional pull is basically a sort of grieving, and it will take time to go away. It's hard to let go of a cherished dream, but does this dream outweigh everything else? If it doesn't, then accept the decision that you and your husband made together and accept his wish to abide by it. Don't beat yourself up for feeling bad now and keep in mind the feeling will diminish.

[dnmnms]

First off here is a BIG HUG for you.
Being female I can understand.
I went thru almost the same issue.
When I met hubby he made it clear up front that he didnt want any more children. He has 1 (daughter) from previous marriage and I had 3.
Now, fast forward....I had a hystrectomy due to health reasons. And while I can say now it is the BEST thing I could have ever done for myself I had a rough time at first.
Add to that he only has 1 child which is a daughter...Duane (hubby) is an only child and Duanes dad was an only child. Well, I am sure there was nothing meant by it however at a family get together his gm mentioned that the family name would die out as Duane is the last male. Boy talk about a sucker punch. Even tho Duane was planning on getting "snipped" as he didnt want more kids it still hit me hard.

So, I just wanted to give you a BIG HUG and tell you I understand.

Melody

[Chicup]

MrsVan - What you are really asking here is to be convinced to do it. On something as important as this you don't need to be a woman to talk to you about it. I haven't had a vasectomy despite being done with children because opinions on this might change, and reversals don't always work. My biological clock may have a longer timer than yours, but the decision to have children is just as important to me as it is to any woman.

I've known many couples, my parents included who were 'done' with kids, completely done, and then had them on purpose decades latter, and this includes my own parents.

This is a great place to ask for advice on sex, swinging, and many issues in life, but I think its a lousy place to ask if you should sterilize yourself when you are having second thoughts. If you are having second thoughts then why hurry, taking pills for anemia isn't going to kill you in the mean time while you sort out your thoughts, but once its done its done.

If you made the right choice, you will know it and the emotional aspect will pass, if you made the wrong choice for you, you won't be able to ask anyone else for what will make you get over it.

I'm not playing the Dr. card here, just someone concerned who knows people who made permanent choices they are no longer happy about.

On a very personal note Mrs. Chicup brought up this very subject today. She hasn't seen this thread, it was completely coincidental. She REALLY does not want to have any more children, but she knows maybe we will change our minds. She said that if by 40 we haven't had any more she wants some sort of IUD type device. I told her it was fine by me.