Married to a teacher

[brew82]

Is anyone else married to a teacher?

My wife and I have been together since high school, 18 years. This past year she got her teaching degree and a job in an elementary school. It was a huge accomplishment for her and I couldn't have been happier. Since the school year started our time together has been less and less. Nearly every night she is either grading papers or planning. When we get to bed she is asleep before her head hits the pillow.

Before she got the job we didn't do anything apart. In my mind we were the perfect couple - we heard that term from many other couples as well. People couldn't believe how happy we were after all these years.

I feel like I have lost her to the job. We've tried talking about it and she tells me I resent her for getting the job and don't support her. I've told her I'm trying to support her but I miss being with her.

Does it get any easier? Has anyone else been thru this before?

[Chicup]

Its a new job.

The first year of teaching has a LOT of planning and learning on her part. As she gets her lesson plans solid and more experience it will take less out of her. Every new job I had in my life had me exhausted until I really got a feel for the flow of it.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Its a new job.

The first year of teaching has a LOT of planning and learning on her part. As she gets her lesson plans solid and more experience it will take less out of her. Every new job I had in my life had me exhausted until I really got a feel for the flow of it.

Couldn't agree more. New jobs bring challenges, and often the need for a LOT of support. Hell, old jobs sometimes come with new challenges that can test the strongest of couples.

Sometimes I have to pop 70+ hour work weeks. Fun? No.
But, Mrs two4you is very understanding, knows why I'm doing it, and takes up a lot of the slack at home.

Her job sounds like an investment in your future as a couple. Nurture that investment for a while. See if things don't come around.

Good luck to both of you!

[BiloxiCouple]

My wife just did a major job change and it seems like I see her less and less. It's stressful at times, but it will take time for her and me to get used to it.

I guess your life was settled for a long time and this change is uncomfortable. Give it time. You have to give her room to grow. Heck, she may find out she doesn't even like to teach after a couple of years. I have seen that before with a couple of teachers (former) I know.

Consider your first 18 years as lucky and remember them fondly. Some of us don't get that much.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Not married to a teacher but I know many, one of these being my younger brother. Teaching is not the only profession or occupation into which a person can become lost. My observation is that a person is no more or less likely to spend long hours in teacher's work than in any other work.

~Michael

[IvoryTowers]

I'm married to a teacher and I am a teacher. What everyone else said is true--the first year of teaching is incredibly hard. Unlike a lot of regular jobs, there's tons of prep and planning that has to be done outside the school day. The good news is that the longer she teaches, the more prep will be already done and ready to pull out of the bag.

I'm wondering--before this, did she have a job at all? Was she in school? And what do you do? Because when you mention that you "didn't do anything apart" I'm wondering how you lived. If you had a job and she didn't, you need to realize that you did do things apart, but your together time was completely tied to your schedule.

If that's the case, then I agree with your wife--you resent her job. Please give up that resentment and realize that being a perfect couple doesn't depend on spending X amount of time together! Being a perfect couple means you love, respect and support each other.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Its a new job.

Yep.

The first year of teaching has a LOT of planning and learning on her part. As she gets her lesson plans solid and more experience it will take less out of her. Every new job I had in my life had me exhausted until I really got a feel for the flow of it.

The Spousal Unit is a full-time university and full-time community college instructor, teaching 6 courses each quarter. He routinely works 80 hour weeks, depending on what he is teaching and what week it is in the quarter. Worse yet, he's developed new courses for the University, and this year is the year they are offering these classes to students. His prep time for these brand new courses easily triples the prep on his long-standing classes.

I don't see a lot of him, not like I used to when he was a grad student, or just teaching three courses at the university. And like others have said, this is not just a teacher issue. Five years ago, he was in grad school and I was working 70 hours a week.

I apologize for the bluntness, but what do you do to support her? I mean, other than words? In our house, I've assumed darn near everything now, except repairs (although I've replaced a shower head for the first time in my life, so I'm trying to be more useful even in that domain). Further, I pitch in on his grading and data entry - anything I can do to save time is time that can now be spent together. I don't leave him grading until midnight on his own to end up collapsing in bed later. We both stay up, or he'll leave a pile for me to do the following evening after work, so that we have time together. And since I've covered the housework and the animals and the money/investments and objective grading, it frees up his time to work but it also frees up time for us.

I will note that we are relatively independent - we enjoy being together, but we've never been the type others call inseparable. Regardless, the point is I even though I work, and am tired, I do whatever I can to free up an hour for "us", even if it means cooking, cleaning or grading.

In the end, I always view it that there's always Spring Break as the reward for working hard together. And the one week before summer quarter starts. The three weeks in the fall and three weeks in December. That makes up, for me, a lot of the crap associated with the quarter.

[twohots4u2]

This is one of those times you need to step up to plate and be fully supportive of her. You need to do as much around the house to help her as you can (cook, clean, do dishes, do laundry, buy groceries, etc.) so she has lots of free time to do the real tough job of class prep during her first year of teaching. Be sure to let her know your gratitude for her work and contribution to the family finances. Don't worry. Your sacrifice will pay tremendous dividends. She will show her appreciation.

[brew82]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I knew this first year was going to be hard on both of us but I don't think either of us realized just how much work she would have on a daily basis.

I agree with everyone that I need to step up a little more and take on some of the daily tasks that she has always just done. She has been reluctant to give up some of it but I will insist so we can have more time together.

[Edison Carter]

One of the best things we did was hire a housekeeping service and lawn service when we both were working like crazy.

[that70scouple33]

We understand your pain. One of us was a teacher and for eight years it did not get much better. I was always grading, planning, and spending my own money on teaching supplies. We didn't have much time together, working opposite schedules and when we were together I was tired and falling asleep very early. If she is lucky enough to stay in the same building or in the same grade levels she may have times where she can pull things out she has done before. However, they move people around a lot, at least in my experience and it is like starting all over. They also have new ideas in education constantly and you have to change things in order to meet the standards. Also, in many states teachers are required to have a five year plan where they must go back to college on their own time to keep their certification. So, it is a lifestyle of its own and that is the truth. I don't know many jobs where you have to take a bunch of work home to do and work like a dog all day for not very much pay. This is mostly true of an elementary school teacher, they have a lot to take home to grade in my experience.
I really hope things get better and that she can stay in the same grade level so that you have more time. She is going to need lots of support from you though.

[sexcupid]

Like others have said, she does need the support. There is a reason why many people leave the teaching profession after 10 years (my sister just went thru for her certification last year and the statistic they quoted for their program was something like 70% of those that graduate are not teaching 5 years later).

Now, like someone else previously asked...what is it that your wife did before becoming a teacher? Was she a stay at home mom (I checked out your Swing Lifestyle profile and it mentions that you have kids)? You obviously supported her enough for her to get her degree and certification, even if she is reluctant to give up chores around the house....you and the kids (if they are old enough) need to step it up a few notches.

To get on a bit of a societal rant...women's roles have been in flux for at least the last 50 years or so. Before that it was relatively cut and dry...you got married, had a family, and stayed home to take care of them. Then along came the notion of the superwoman that can and does do it all. Well, that's not particuarly realistic for a long time frame (without becoming so over stressed you eventually snap).

Teaching is time consuming, but it can get better. Even if she loves the job, dealing with the stresses of home may suck the joy right out of it for her. Longing for the 'good ol days' isn't necessarily going to bring them back (18 years together would put you getting together around age 17 or so?)...good luck and hopefully you can find a new sense of balance in your family's life.

[CXXC]

I feel your pain! Mrs. CXXC works and average of 80 hours a week. I am traveling for work all the time! In our 14 years together, these last 8 have been very trying at times.
What we do to keep the home fires burning is to make each and every moment together as special as possible.
We hold to the ideal that the order should be:
1. US
2. Family
3. Work
4. Anything else

We make sure we have NO LESS than one date night a month to help rediscover each other.

We Make certain to eat one meal together each day. (You will not believe how much you can cover in just one meal)

We do not discuss work when we are on date night.

We take three vacations a year together. these vacations are split into:
Stay-cation (Staying at home and just entertaining people from out of town or within our circle of friends here. We also chatch up on "US" time and little together projects.
Visiting friends and family. We go see people we didnt get to see throughout the year to catch up and stay close.
"US" vacation. this is generally one where we travel abroad to places like Desire or Hedo. Some times, we just travel to anohter state to see some REALLY great people.

Remember the most important part of being a couple is that you have, in your mate, a companion with whom you are free to say and do things that you cannot do with others. True, open and honest communication is the greatest gift and tool you have available to you. USE THESE!

Also, remember the wonderful days of the past but do not compare them to today. All you have is today. Take every advantage of each moment you have together. Share the love and good you have in every second. Do not dwell on what once was. Make what can be the best.

And I was just going to add a short blurb! ACK! Ok. that one was a full nickle. Have I hit the $5.00 mark yet?

[NCfuncouple98]

Exactly what Mr. CXXC stated! Neither of us is a teacher, but we can absolutely relate!

Mr. NC works long hours, works every Saturday, and every other Sunday. We are raising 3 children (2 are teenagers). I am on the board of directors at an athletic association, so right now is very busy, where I might be at the ballfield 3-4 nights a week. I also work full time, and am a lead volunteer at Church, requiring more of my home time to schedule volunteers, have weekly conference call....

Our time together is limited, so we have similar "rules":

Minimum 1 date night per month - more if we can find the time and can afford it.

9:00pm when the youngest goes to bed is our quiet time, whether that's relaxing together and watching a movie, just talking, taking a long hot bath together (our favorite), etc. Sometimes it's reading the Swingers Board together and talking.

Our teenagers respect this, and only interrupt when they have been out at practice/rehearsal, etc. and have something they need to discuss.

These are just little ways to find time to stay connected, but they are SO important!

[brew82]

Thanks everyone for your advice. We've been talking lately and things have gotten better. She understands that she can't let her job consume her life and I have been making every effort I can to make it easier for her to get more done.