Emotional cheating vs. physical cheating

[bbarnsworth]

I didn't really know where to put this, as it's not really swinging related. Just some thoughts I had on something roughly tangential to swinging.

I ran across an article today titled Dating Question: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?. The article laid out signs that you have crossed the line into having an emotional affair, even if the physical line hasn't been crossed.

Being a swinger, I came at this article from a different approach. The article left me feeling that it was rating physical cheating as being considerably worse than emotional cheating. I felt like it was a tutorial on how to avoid the far greater sin of physical cheating.

To me, swinger or not, this is backwards. Being a swinger, I don't see physical "cheating" as grave a problem (though I'd be quite upset if my wife did physically cheat on me). Even the emotional "cheating" isn't all that bad per se, but the lack of communication between partners that lead to one feeling like they were cheating that was the bigger problem.

The article does touch on this to some degree, noting that one sign of emotional cheating is you "No longer feel comfortable telling your mate about this person and begin to cover up your relationship."

In swinging in particular, I can't reasonably expect my wife never to develop emotions for regular play partners she's had for years (not there yet, but if it happens..). I of course have no problems with her having sex with other men. I can reasonably expect she'll behave in ways that respect our relationship, which includes 100% open communication between us.

Outside of swinging, I would expect the same, and would still find the lack of honesty between us to be a far greater problem than anything, and emotional cheating to be far worse than physical cheating.

So to me, the premise of the article, that of giving advice to avoid the greatest problem, seems backwards.

[jjtrindc]

BB we agree with you. While neither are something we'd want to experience, emotional cheating is a much tougher problem to overcome. If someone has an affair that is most likely linked to a specific issue related to sex (though admittedly that is a huge generalization).

An emotional affair to us would mean that you have something fundamentally wrong with your relationship. That means that the spouse is going out to find something that is at the core of what a stable relationship means. That's what makes successful swingers isn't it? We have such a deep, trusting connection that the sex with others is simply fun.

That being said, I also agree that my wife and I like to have an emotional connection with the couples we play with. Again it comes down to trust in terms of knowing she is emailing, texting, having phone conversations with the men (and me with the ladies). That, however, means that when we get together the atmosphere will be that much better for play.

[bbarnsworth]

If we had a regular couple or single male play partner, and had played with them many times I would expect some emotions to develop. What I know can happen is non-platonic emotions developing. For us, that's a deal breaker as we feel it'd potentially threaten our relationship. We do not view ourselves as poly, though we of course understand that many are, and we're happy for them if it works. For us, we don't want to attempt that.

I talked about the article over lunch with my wife. Her comments were interesting, in that she feels that for a woman cheating in a physical way, it's hard not to also cheat in an emotional way. In swinging, that's not the case, as while you feel emotions you're totally open with your spouse and not connecting with the partner on the same level.

We both agree that the lack of openness is very bad, and is a precursor to emotional and/or physical cheating.

I agree with you jjtrindc, in that if you're emotionally cheating there's a good chance there's a serious problem in your relationship.

[Chicup]

As a swinger, I'd say both would suck pretty much equally.

The key is 'cheating'.

As a swinger you don't have a good excuse for physical cheating. I have my cake and eat it to, she lets me have sex with other women. If I were to physically cheat it couldn't' be passed off as 'heat of the moment, once in 15 years, blah blah'. It would
be me just not respecting her.

Emotional is of course always bad, and yes I'd call it worse. Emotional cheating is what leads to fights and break ups in the long run and is much harder I think to survive as a relationship after.

[The Fuse]

Within a swinging marriage, I'd say physical cheating just for sex is a matter of not respecting your spouse. This is true even in a vanilla marriage of course, but I think in a swinging marriage the disrespect is more isolated from the usual types of physical temptations and yearning for variety, since those tensions either don't exist or are almost nonexistent in a swinging marriage.

I'd say emotional cheating is going to another for what you can't get from your spouse, emotionally, and feeling drawn to the other man or woman in a romantic way such that it takes away from your marriage. The cheater has divided loyalty, which can very well be a threat to the marriage. They are giving something to the 'other' that should be reserved for home, like primary emotions, loyalty, too much support, etc. Much much worse than physical cheating.

This thread makes me think about my own history a bit. I've always had close vanilla friendships with men other than my husband, but he's always known about them. He's never felt threatened, and I never felt any divided loyalty, so I didn't consider it cheating. I will admit, though, that my friendships with these men fulfilled needs that Mr. Fuse just isn't that suited to fulfilling. I don't see anything wrong with that, as long as there is no threat to my marriage and no feeling that I'd divide my loyalty. More importantly, I wasn't giving something to these men that I should have been giving at home and wasn't. I just see it as acknowledging that no one person can be everything to any other person. I suppose from the outside that could look like emotional cheating to some people, but I reject that point of view. Perhaps it is "emotional swinging" -- done with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved, and with everyone knowing what the boundaries are, that the contact is temporary, and who goes home with whom. I'm writing with tongue in cheek here, but I hope the idea is clear.

[NCfuncouple98]

I think Mr. NC and I could work through physical cheating if faced with it, but it's certainly not something we ever want to face, especially now that we swing. I think the question then would be "And why couldn't you talk to me about it first?". Now back in our vanilla days, I think it could've devastated us.

Emotional cheating is on a whole 'nother level, IMO. Emotional cheating is not just having a friend of the opposite sex, it's sharing things with that person that you no longer share with your spouse on a personal and emotional level. That person now becomes the first person you contact when something happens in your life, good or bad. You begin hiding the details of the conversations from your spouse, or how often you talk, or deleting the emails and/or text messages.

I do believe emotional cheating is much worse than physical, swinging or not, because the one person who is supposed to be your best friend and partner in life has been replaced. Physical is just, well, physical. It can be overcome.