fell in love - asking for advice

[just_me]

thanks for all the replies.

My wife and I will most likley seperate. We have fundamental differences between us that we are no longer able to work through. This makes us very sad. We've been together for 10 years.

I havn't had any contact with the other wife since this post. I was talking to her on the phone while she was waiting for him at the airport. I told her then I wanted to give her pleny of space and wouldn't initiate contact with her but want to hear from both of them.

The 4 of us are planning to go 4wheeling and hang out at least once while he his here.

Lot's of good advice has been given in this post and I appreciate it.

[amid]

[QUOTE=just_me;342931]Me and her are fully functional pot smokers, meaning we we live 100% of our life high and are able to function normally when high.

QUOTE]

Don't worry about having kids with your wife you are probably sterile by now.

There are functioning alcoholics too.. will you disagree that they are damaging their minds and bodies? and that it is "normal"?

ON a more serious note. To me swinging is about honestly, most swingers in my estimation will NOT condone your actions. Cheating is a no no.. and what you are doing is cheating.. Even without the "act", an affair of the heart is cheating. No good will ever come from this.. live by the sword die by the sword. As some previous posters have said, get your own house in order before moving on to another.

[ownerspet]

It sound's like you have issues in your own marriage, in that you want different things. One issue you mention is a difference in wanting kids... I think you need to talk to your wife, and see if you can figure out where your marriage is, then make a decision on were to take your life as a couple or to move on separatly. What ever you do, talk to your wife, not about how you love this other woman, but about your wants in life, your wife's wants in life, and what both of your want out of your marriage.

Regardless of if you stay in your marriage or not you need to discuss your issues that are making you unsure of yourself in relation to staying in your marriage, before you do something carelessly. However, sitting idly by doing nothing will do nothing to improve your situation, so do something by starting to communicate with your wife about whatever issues are bugging you.

That's my 2 cents....

[twohots4u2]

Not too much hurts worse than being deployed in a combat zone doing your duty to your country, come back home for a short visit, and find that your spouse has become involved with another person. It happened to me and it was one of the worst periods of my life. It tore my family apart (we had a three year old son) and it tore the guys family apart (he and his wife had three young children). Later my son found out about why we got divorced (from a neighbor) and he has hated his mom ever since. He is a young adult now and as a result does not want to ever have children or get married.

Neither my ex-wife or the guy got together in the long run. Many years later I asked her why. She said that she realized that she could not trust him to be faithful to her.

Our recommendation is to run, not walk, away from this fling, or infatuation, with the military guy's wife. If you cannot repair your own marriage, don't screw up someone else's.

[ourrockstarlife]

Originally Posted by just_me

thanks for all the replies.

My wife and I will most likley seperate. We have fundamental differences between us that we are no longer able to work through. This makes us very sad. We've been together for 10 years.

I havn't had any contact with the other wife since this post. I was talking to her on the phone while she was waiting for him at the airport. I told her then I wanted to give her pleny of space and wouldn't initiate contact with her but want to hear from both of them.

The 4 of us are planning to go 4wheeling and hang out at least once while he his here.

Lot's of good advice has been given in this post and I appreciate it.

Seriously? After all this advice you plan to go four wheeling with this couple when he returns?

Something stinks, and it isn't "tree" smoke

[JustAskJulie]

If you feel you want to leave your wife, then leave your wife. But, don't let this other couple play into the decision and don't destroy their marriage in addition to yours. This woman still loves her husband and he needs her right now. Do not try to take her from him.

[just_me]

Update:

My wife and I have had extensive conversations about this situation. We've decided to get a divorce. This was a mutual decision.

I've had very little conversation with the couple in question. Mostly with him. They are unaware of our decision to get a divorce. We don't plan to talk to them again, but will return conversation if they initiate it.

thanks for all the advice - it has really helped.

[fun4Ds]

Have you tried counseling of any sort. 10 years together is a long time to just give up on.

[prettylady]

My Dog was the victim of a "Dear John" letter.
If this "hero" goes back to Iraq can you imagine the thoughts that will be going through his head? Not "hey, I should keep my head down and eyes open", but rather "Is my wife with buddy up the road, or will she be waiting for me when I get home".
It is painful selfish of you to put him through this, not to mention the other two women.
This woman loves her husband, leave it at that.
Perhaps if you focus on your marriage as much as you are focusing on this train wreck of a relationship you are hoping for, perhaps you marriage could be saved. Sounds to me like you have a wonderful and understanding wife.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[eurotrash]

I've been through 3 or more failed relationships with pot smokers and chronic pot smokers. It DOES affect one's decision making process... in a bad way.

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

It does seem to be affecting your decision making processes though, IMHO.


Because it's such an odd thing to specifically mention. Lots of folks like a little herb. It's not that unique a thing.
Saying you both had a high degree of interest in Jungian psychology would have been a bit more unique.

I would have had the same response if you had said, "we have so much in common, including our love of Rum & Coke".

[jdavisauto]

Think about what you are doing! Think about his life, his family and his wife that you are messing around with. As a vet I understand what can happen to wife’s when their husbands is overseas in a combat environment. She is afraid, mad and hurt and her world is in turmoil. She is having to live from day to day not knowing if her husband is going to live or die. I put my lady half through this shit when I was in Somalia. You need to stand up and be a men and walk away, leave this couple along because right now they need each other more then ever before. If he does have PTST and TB they don’t need you adding to the problems.

[Markspurangel]

DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!!!!

First of all, you & your wife need to get into counseling if you want to save your marriage. If you both agree it's not worth saving, then get it over with, talk to an attorney.

Now the danger part............... The other husband has PTSD & possible (or actual) Traumatic Brain Injury which is very bad. First off, the reaction the individual with PTSD may have (emphasis May have) would be to react to the threat. As a trained military person, that is kill or be killed. A TBI makes that same person unpredictable when facing threats to himself or a loved one. I'm not saying other hubby will or will not react, but the possibility is much greater for a reaction to happen.

I've worked directly with returning injured soldiers & the unpredictability of their mental status is so high, the command structures usually won't let them have leave until they have been debriefed & received some kind of counseling. You have to understand you will be considered a threat to him, even if you are considered close friends now.

Best option if you are still deadset on ending your marriage, is end it, but do not pursue this other woman - friend or not. It will get awful ugly quick if you pursue. Get some counseling even if you do end the marriage, you will need it.

Worst thing that could happen, you continue to pursue her........... we read your obituary in the morning news.

M