Can't take it anymore

[VanHlebar]

Ok so back at the end of September my Mom moved in with MrsVan and I. We knew it would be a serious challenge but we talked about it and felt this was something that needed to happen. Her mom past away back in August and she really didn't have any family left back home. She is very capable of taking care of herself so she did not move in with us for any reason other than she needed a place to stay when she got here and she was going to settle in and then start looking for a place live.

So while we where gone this weekend she decided to go up into our bedroom and get some of our laundry out and get it started for us. Yes we are very appreciative of her helping in the house, but of all the things to do, going into our bedroom was not cool! That is a huge breach of privacy as far as MrsVan and I are concerned.

So I tried to be nice and bring this up to her and explain nicely that while we appreciate her helping with the laundry since we had been gone all weekend long, we really would appreciate it if in the future she not go into our bedroom to get stuff out. That our bedroom is a very private area and we would appreciate it if she would respect our wishes.

Immediately she got all upset and said she doesn't understand why she would have to ask to go into our bedroom and she didn't see it as such a big deal. That was about two hours ago, since the conversation she went into her room and hasn't spoken to either of us since. This is typical whenever we have one of these discussions with her, we get punished by her.

Have any of you had a parent move in with you for an extended period of time? How did it work out and how did you deal with the privacy and respect issues the it seems that to creep up?

Well thanks for letting me vent...I feel a little better now.

-Van

[ShellyM]

Mr. Van, yes its not easy. My parents live 2 houses away and its awful lol. In 2001 we lived with them for 1 year while we saved up to buy our house. Whenever I am with my parents for more than 1 day I remember why I joined the Army at 18 lol. Love them but omg I cannot take them for more than a few hour at a time doses. As far as your Mom goes. LOL, I know you are upset. Once she calms down perhaps sit with her and talk. My Mom is the same way, we literally have to hide the sex toys from not only the kids but my Mom lol. Yes my friend, parents are fun. Best of luck to you, hang in there.

[lost_j1]

About 12 years ago when we moved to Texas we went through this. not in-laws, but shelly's aunt and uncle. WOW, what a nightmare. I think we stayed with them for around 2 months.. Man her uncle was a fucking nightmare. When we were out he would go through our drawers. Wait not just the clothing drawers, but our underware as well. We would put some snacks or munchies in our underware drawer in the bottom of it. On several occasions he would stop us and tell us not to leave the chips or cookies, etc.. in the drawer too long. That they might go bad, he knew what we had and how many. Would sort through some of the porn tapes I had hidden the boxes. What a pain it was, he would come around checking light bulbs like four times a week. Come in the room unscrew them clean them and put them back in. Would wash his hands in the kitchen sink then sit down watch about 15 minutes of TV then go over to our bathroom and wash his hands. Then after 30 minutes later he would go over to their bathroom and wash his hands again. So we feel you pain.. We could not wait until we got out of there. But, she is in your house, damn I feel for ya....

[tribbles]

I'm a brat.

I'd make sure she found stuff she didn't want to know about. Maybe a gay porn mag?

[ShellyM]

So y'all understand why we are moving to Pennsylvania lol....
Aahh Mr. V, it'll get better. Just hang on in there and remember that she is Mama.
Shell

[wewannabebad2]

I feel your pain Mr. Van. Before hubby and I got married we had to move in with my parents for a few months. Well, needless to say the whole time we were there my mom gave us nooooo privacy, hell she even walked in on while we were ummmmm gettin busy! Then stood there asking us questions till she reliezed what we were doing, then she ran to my dad yelling the whole way so EVERYONE would know what we were doing. My mom can annoy AND embarras anyone...I really think it's her life calling.*lol* Just hang in there sweety.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

I feel your pain Mr. Van. Before hubby and I got married we had to move in with my parents for a few months. Well, needless to say the whole time we were there my mom gave us nooooo privacy, hell she even walked in on while we were ummmmm gettin busy! Then stood there asking us questions till she reliezed what we were doing, then she ran to my dad yelling the whole way so EVERYONE would know what we were doing. My mom can annoy AND embarras anyone...I really think it's her life calling.*lol* Just hang in there sweety.

Now here is the scary part: They say we become our Mothers (GASP)!!
I love messing with my mom lol. It will be just she and I in the room and I'm just in from work...so she'll be telling me about this and that...so I take off my clothes and I'm down to my thong....scratching my butt...LOL I'm like "what did you say again"....it works in getting her the hell out of here fast!! LOL. Mr. V, the idea of the gay porn is great. Leave a huge ass dildo out for her to find LOL.

[wewannabebad2]

Originally Posted by ShellyM

Now here is the scary part: They say we become our Mothers (GASP)!!
I love messing with my mom lol. It will be just she and I in the room and I'm just in from work...so she'll be telling me about this and that...so I take off my clothes and I'm down to my thong....scratching my butt...LOL I'm like "what did you say again"....it works in getting her the hell out of here fast!! LOL. Mr. V, the idea of the gay porn is great. Leave a huge ass dildo out for her to find LOL.

LMAO...Good idea. I refuse to be my mother!

[fun4Ds]

So while we where gone this weekend she decided to go up into our bedroom and get some of our laundry out and get it started for us. Yes we are very appreciative of her helping in the house, but of all the things to do, going into our bedroom was not cool! That is a huge breach of privacy as far as MrsVan and I are concerned.

we could understand your privacy being violated, but the way it happened is something that could hurt her feelings, she probably was expecting just a thank you. was anything discovered that shouldn't have been? i would like to think she didn't examine every drawer or nook and cranny. hopefully she just got the laundry and walked out. if something was discovered and she is not the type to bring something up, if she did find something. thats respectful, in a way. it doesn't sound like she was standing there with anything private of yours saying"what the hell are you freaks doing" but instead it sounds like she would be discreet. respectful mother-in law

So I tried to be nice and bring this up to her and explain nicely that while we appreciate her helping with the laundry since we had been gone all weekend long, we really would appreciate it if in the future she not go into our bedroom to get stuff out. That our bedroom is a very private area and we would appreciate it if she would respect our wishes.

that is certainly what should have been done, but just like the kids that might set a temptation to snoop.

Immediately she got all upset and said she doesn't understand why she would have to ask to go into our bedroom and she didn't see it as such a big deal. That was about two hours ago, since the conversation she went into her room and hasn't spoken to either of us since. This is typical whenever we have one of these discussions with her, we get punished by her.

i can imagine this was a very tough conversation to have. i would like to think she has lived life long enough that anything she might have found wouldn't have surprised her.and i cant help to feel that she understands that this is your home, and would be respectful of your feelings and privacy.

punishing you? I'm sorry but i cant help defending your mother in law. going to her room probably isn't something she is trying to punish you with. but really, where els could she go. thats better than her trying to stand her ground, i think she realizes she is on your ground, your home. and probably goes to her room to avoid any conflict. it probably sucks for her to not be able to have someone to vent to, listen to her side of things. i cant help but think that would be lonely for her, not punishment to you.

Well thanks for letting me vent...I feel a little better now.

thats cool we all need a little venting sometimes. i hope things work out.

tis the season.

this is a very tough issue for any one dealing with parents in your home. hang in there.

-Van[/QUOTE]

[des1re06]

I can totally understand.

We've moved my mother back and forth from her home state to here twice in the past 4 years (she can't decide where she wants to live).


It was very difficult having a parent in the household. She wanted to feel needed, but my teens are never around and there just wasn't much for her to do. I had to break down and explain that we were nudists, and that we normally ran around the house nude. She took it very well.

We found her a nice retirement apartment about 25 minutes away, but she still wanted to be at our house every weekend. We are on the go almost every other weekend and we're nudist around the house (except when she was here), so it was very frustrating for us. We compromised for every other weekend (when my teens are here, she can be here).

She just moved back again last month to her home state, so it's like we're free again. I know it sounds selfish, but we're just tired of the stress of having a houseguest.

If any way possible, I'd take mom on a tour of a couple of retirement communities. They're nothing like nursing homes. Unless you can build a mother-in-law apartment on your property (tax incentives?), this might be your best bet for sanity.


Good luck to you!

Fun4D's,

I understand where your coming from but the problem is that in our room we have pic's of us from Hedo and sorry I do not want my mother in law to see naked body parts of me. I feel very uncomfortable with that and I do not feel as this being our house that I need to hide things because she is in the house. This is our house and she needs to respect our privacy. She doesn't go into the room to clean or anything like that. She could have went into our children's rooms and got their laundry but no she went into only our room which makes us feel like she is being nosy. When we are home and we leave for a while to go do some running on laundry day she NEVER goes into our bedroom as she waits for us to get it..So what was different other than we were not home all weekend??

Our bedroom is our private place for us and it frustrates me that she invaded our privacy when we were not home and now I feel like I cannot trust her when we are gone to not go snooping through our things. And maybe she didn't but it is just frustrating that she did this and I guess because there are other things that have gone on that we have not mentioned and this has just added to our frustration.

MrsVan

[Tybee Swing]

You are adults, it's your home, and you're entitled to your privacy.

She has to learn that in this living situation, the roles are reversed and she needs to live by your rules if she wants to live in your house. I would stick to your guns. You already explained about your privacy and you asked her nicely not to go back into your room for things. I agree with what you did and how you handled it. Hopefully, she'll come around and will respect you for not wavering on your request.

"she needed a place to stay when she got here and she was going to settle in and then start looking for a place live."

Has there been any progress on her getting her own place? If not, maybe she's been a bit too comfortable at your house. Maybe she'll see now that she really does need to get a place of her own.

[sexcupid]

I agree with Tybee...MrsVan, your mother may not be used to the role reversal of not being the parent in charge.

I think the laundry ruse may have been a cover up for any clandestine curiosity of going through things in your room (I mean, she probably did the same thing when you were growing up under the guise of doing the laundry or cleaning your room). Even if she wasn't rummaging through drawers, maybe it's just the curiosity of going in a place she has been restricted from? Or maybe she is 'regressing' and is just curious about the 'parents' room. We always loved going into our parents bedroom on occasion...mostly because we weren't allowed in there. (They were home most of the time tho.)

I think it was handled pretty well. "Thanks for doing the laundry, but why just ours?" might have been a good question to ask.

Good luck,

Maria

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

Boy I'm going to catch some flak for this..........

Was there any sort of discussion about privacy and expectations/rules in the beginning? No=shame on you, how could she have known your reaction if she wasnt told up front. Yes=shame on her she fucked up plain and simple.

I think the thing to remember when dealing with parents is that you will always be their child regardless of your age. Secondly while it is your house and you RIGHTLY feel the need not to hide anything, if you don't then you should be aware of the consequences of and plan on it becoming topic de jour unexpectedly. Sometimes it is easier to swallow your pride and be a little flexible rather than be ridgid and backed into a corner (in which I always seem to want to come out fighting)

Just be thankful you didn't have to sit down and talk about seeing a psychologist because certain unresolved issues were affecting the whole family, like I did with my 70 year old father last night.........things could be worse

[JustAskJulie]

Ouch! That is so not cool. I think you have every right to expect a certain level of privacy and respect in your own home. I stayed with my mom for several months when i was seperated from my ex and she never did anything like that.

Some people just don't understand things like basic privacy, my ex-mother in law once drove 2 hours and showed up at our house without bothering to call first.... and expected to spend the night!