Why am I nervous about her meeting another man?

perfectcouple · 01-31-2002, 10:52 PM

My GF and I have been together for over 5 months, we have both been married before and had several 3-somes. I with my wife and other guys, her with her husband and other guys. Now we have shared our thoughts on her doing another guy. We have met a nice guy over the net and have talked to him for a while. We got close to meeting him once and she kinda backed out, which was no big deal. Now she says she could go through with it and wants to set it up for next week, just a meeting, and if she likes him they will be off to a hotel and then she will call when there done (we think the 1st time they should be alone and have no distractions) so I could come to the hotel.
Well now Im getting cold feet and she says its totally up to me and that she will do it when/if Im comfortable. She has made it perfectly clear that she will do it if I set it up, although who knows what she will do if I really set it up.
My question,,,has any other guys been in this position and can anyone give any insight as to why Im a little nervous now????

MattLisa · 02-01-2002, 02:40 AM

Well you mighr have jitters just because I would think most people do before their first time (or first time with someone new).

Or could it be that you're nervous about not being there? I know some people do play alone, but a lot of couples are uncomfortable with it. Please don't take this wrong if I'm not reading you right, but are you comfortable with her playing alone? If not, well there you go, I'd be nervous too. If not, well everyone gets jealous, even just a little bit sometimes.

danc694u · 02-01-2002, 11:08 AM

The question is. How well do you know the guy?

While rule one of this lifestyle may be communication. Rule two should be "Safety at All Cost".

It would make me a nervous wreck, to send Maggie to meet someone that we both had never actually gotten to know really well.

Just my thoughts.

David

**Alura** · 02-01-2002, 11:36 AM

Perfect Couple,

Our advice is probably worthless on this because you are proposing doing things we've never done and probably wouldn't do. The issue here is safety, as Danc and MattLisa pointed out.

We don't play with single men. You really have no way of knowing their sexual history, the extent of their contacts or their emotional stability. It would be a true nightmare if one of our playmates "fell in love" with one of us.

We've never played with someone we met on the internet. We're not saying we wouldn't if we came to know them well and trusted them after the initial contact.

We don't play separately. Without both being involved, we have no interest. To us that would not be playing.

We understand your cold feet. There is a lot of danger involved in a lot of different ways. If you choose to go through with this, good luck. We think you'll need it.

Alura

LIZA · 02-01-2002, 12:44 PM

I dont even understand the point of doing that at all, other than so she can have sex with another guy? Why not just have an open relationship and she can be with other people when she wants and vice-versa. I wouldn't call it swinging if you set it up and she goes alone..........pimping maybe

perfectcouple · 02-01-2002, 12:58 PM

Wow, that is so insightful Liza, thanks for the help! I guess if it isnt something you understand you just make snooty comments.

LIZA · 02-01-2002, 03:26 PM

You don't explain what your (or her) motivation is.

You have only been together 5 monthes. You both have had cold feet about this. This isn't swinging, this is her having sex with a stranger in a hotel. Call me snooty if you want, but WHY do this? what are you or she looking to gain?

perfectcouple · 02-01-2002, 04:26 PM

LIZA, did you by chance read the subject,,,,,just in case you didnt it says
"My question,,,has any other guys been in this position and can anyone give any insight as to why Im a little nervous now????"
It doesnt say "please criticize my question and throw some smart a&# comment in".
But thanks for input Liza, Ill take it into consideration.. .. ..

**Alura** · 02-01-2002, 08:36 PM

PerfectCouple,

I'm just a hick Okie and I've never been in the situation you plan, but I can sure as hell tell you why you SHOULD have cold feet, icy ones, in fact.

You're proposing sending your girlfriend, whom I can only assume you love, into the arms of a stranger, about whom you know nothing, in a setting which would render her defenseless.

The danger far outweighs any vicarious pleasure you might derive and why she's willing to do it is beyond my understanding. She must love you a lot, and if you didn't have cold feet, I'd think you must be one cold hearted son of a bitch!

I think Liza understands completely; she just disagrees, as well she should!

Good Luck!
Husband of Alura

perfectcouple · 02-02-2002, 12:12 AM

Well I tried to ignore the "obvious" but I guess i must explain a little.
Alura, just 1 question,,,do you think I could some up her and my relationship in one paragraph? I think when your replying to people in the future you should put some kinda faith in the people your replying to and assume they have talked things over,,,HONESTLY. Alura states "you know nothing of this stranger",,,,we have talked to this guy for a while, know where he works, had phone conversations, etc,etc. So I guess Alura (or husband of, whatever) should go back and also read the original post.
Im lucky enough to be in a relationship where both partners are pretty darn intelligent, trusting and open.

Look a lot deeper, other replies seem to have done that.
You mention As far as love goes,,,,you have no clue.. .. .. ..

P.S, as far as you stating "and why she's willing to do it is beyond my understanding",,,Another question, do you understand women, are you the guru of womens thoughts? Just curious because if I knew one guy who knew why, what, and the thought process behind what women think I could make millions,,,are you that guy???

MattLisa · 02-02-2002, 01:23 AM

It looks like you are interested in coming back into the hotel room after the first sexual course between your lady and the other gentleman? Yes? Well.... maybe if perfectcouple really wants to allow this, maybe it would help out if everyone met first (non-sexually) and then both sides of the couple can decide if she should be alone with him or not? It might help the nerves to know that the internet guy isn't ummmmmmm scary or anything? Good luck!

LIZA · 02-02-2002, 02:42 AM

Perfect couple-

You come across as very hostile toward any advice or comments. I can only guess this is because somewhere down inside you know this is not going to turn out well and you are defensive.
You say you only want input from GUYS who have been in this situation. I don't think there are any here that have, mot of us play with our partners only.

If your GF will do whatever you decide, and you decide to send her off to meet this man alone, so be it. But you still have not answered the question of WHY? And also, if your relationship is so strong on love and trust, why is she uncomfortable to have you present when this happens?

**Alura** · 02-02-2002, 06:27 AM

PerfectCouple,

You made it plain in your third post that you were only interested in advice on why you might be nervous about your plans.

I have no idea why you are nervous, I can only give you reasons why you SHOULD be nervous, and there are many!

No, I don't claim to fully understand women, and after this exchange, I'll step right up and tell you I don't understand men, either.

BTW, when a letter is signed "Alura" it's from both of us, otherwise, we specify husband or wife. Alura, as most folks would guess, is not our real name.

I think this exchange has run its course. I'll have nothing further to say on this question. I'm outta here!

Good luck,
Husband of Alura

***JustAskJulie*** · 02-02-2002, 11:09 AM

I think it's hard for anyone to understand something that they wouldn't do.

You stated in your first post (based on my understanding) that the plan is for you BOTH to meet him for dinner, then if everyone is comfortable the two of them are off to a room to call you when you are done. Correct?

My question: Why do you feel it is best for you NOT to be in the room when they play?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this, there are many swinging couples who play seperately and that doesn't make them NOT swingers. Just wondering what your reasoning is behind it. Perhaps if you were to be in the room with her (and enjoy everything first hand rather than just get the story later) you might be more comfortable with this idea. There is plenty of time for her to play on her own later after you've had a chance to enjoy it with her. And, once you've been there with her with this guy you will know exactly what goes on between them, you will know how he is going to treat her and you will know if you are going to be jealous about what is going on.

Basically, as the setup stands you will be sitting alone twiddling your thumbs waiting for a phone call. Why shouldn't you get any enjoyment out of this along with her?

Perhaps you are nervous because you aren't really getting anything out of this or because you really do want to be more involved in this first meeting. Maybe you feel like since you've already agreed to do it one way you can't change your mind (you can). If that's the case talk to your GF, you never know maybe that's why she had cold feet too.

lycioos · 02-03-2002, 10:07 AM

I was thinking of something as I read this post. In the begining perfectcpl said that both him and his g/f were married before. Both failed marriages and in both marriages the females had men, but there was no mention of the men having females. I'm thinking that there may be a certain amount of fear due to the fact of repeat mistakes. Involving other men in the first relationships didn't work. What is different this time? You have only dated for 5 months. Maybe you should think this through some more before considering this. It takes time to REALLY get to know and trust another person. Exspecially after having been hurt before. It took us 5 years to really, really understand each other. Maybe some people are quicker than us, but then again, maybe not.

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01-31-2002, 10:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
perfectcouple Active Member Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 11 Location: Flint,Michigan	Why am I nervous about her meeting another man? My GF and I have been together for over 5 months, we have both been married before and had several 3-somes. I with my wife and other guys, her with her husband and other guys. Now we have shared our thoughts on her doing another guy. We have met a nice guy over the net and have talked to him for a while. We got close to meeting him once and she kinda backed out, which was no big deal. Now she says she could go through with it and wants to set it up for next week, just a meeting, and if she likes him they will be off to a hotel and then she will call when there done (we think the 1st time they should be alone and have no distractions) so I could come to the hotel. Well now Im getting cold feet and she says its totally up to me and that she will do it when/if Im comfortable. She has made it perfectly clear that she will do it if I set it up, although who knows what she will do if I really set it up. My question,,,has any other guys been in this position and can anyone give any insight as to why Im a little nervous now????

02-01-2002, 02:40 AM	#2 (permalink)
MattLisa Active Member Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 33 Location: Concord, California	Well you mighr have jitters just because I would think most people do before their first time (or first time with someone new). Or could it be that you're nervous about not being there? I know some people do play alone, but a lot of couples are uncomfortable with it. Please don't take this wrong if I'm not reading you right, but are you comfortable with her playing alone? If not, well there you go, I'd be nervous too. If not, well everyone gets jealous, even just a little bit sometimes. __________________ She will lay with you in the rose-beds Who cares about the thorns? Will the flowers be jealous Of the attention she receives?"

02-01-2002, 11:08 AM	#3 (permalink)
danc694u Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 546 Location: Birmingham, AL Status: couple	The question is. How well do you know the guy? While rule one of this lifestyle may be communication. Rule two should be "Safety at All Cost". It would make me a nervous wreck, to send Maggie to meet someone that we both had never actually gotten to know really well. Just my thoughts. David __________________ Phonies and Fakes Need not apply. We're as real as it gets, and don't have time to be wasting on dumbasses.

02-01-2002, 11:36 AM	#4 (permalink)
Alura T-Town Playmates Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 6,122 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Married to Mrs. Alura	Perfect Couple, Our advice is probably worthless on this because you are proposing doing things we've never done and probably wouldn't do. The issue here is safety, as Danc and MattLisa pointed out. We don't play with single men. You really have no way of knowing their sexual history, the extent of their contacts or their emotional stability. It would be a true nightmare if one of our playmates "fell in love" with one of us. We've never played with someone we met on the internet. We're not saying we wouldn't if we came to know them well and trusted them after the initial contact. We don't play separately. Without both being involved, we have no interest. To us that would not be playing. We understand your cold feet. There is a lot of danger involved in a lot of different ways. If you choose to go through with this, good luck. We think you'll need it. Alura __________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

02-01-2002, 12:44 PM	#5 (permalink)
LIZA Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2000 Posts: 426 Location: ORANGE COUNTY, CA Status: Married Fem.	I dont even understand the point of doing that at all, other than so she can have sex with another guy? Why not just have an open relationship and she can be with other people when she wants and vice-versa. I wouldn't call it swinging if you set it up and she goes alone..........pimping maybe

02-01-2002, 12:58 PM	#6 (permalink)
perfectcouple Active Member Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 11 Location: Flint,Michigan	Wow, that is so insightful Liza, thanks for the help! I guess if it isnt something you understand you just make snooty comments.

02-01-2002, 03:26 PM	#7 (permalink)
LIZA Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2000 Posts: 426 Location: ORANGE COUNTY, CA Status: Married Fem.	You don't explain what your (or her) motivation is. You have only been together 5 monthes. You both have had cold feet about this. This isn't swinging, this is her having sex with a stranger in a hotel. Call me snooty if you want, but WHY do this? what are you or she looking to gain?

02-01-2002, 04:26 PM	#8 (permalink)
perfectcouple Active Member Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 11 Location: Flint,Michigan	LIZA, did you by chance read the subject,,,,,just in case you didnt it says "My question,,,has any other guys been in this position and can anyone give any insight as to why Im a little nervous now????" It doesnt say "please criticize my question and throw some smart a&# comment in". But thanks for input Liza, Ill take it into consideration.. .. ..

02-01-2002, 08:36 PM	#9 (permalink)
Alura T-Town Playmates Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 6,122 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Married to Mrs. Alura	PerfectCouple, I'm just a hick Okie and I've never been in the situation you plan, but I can sure as hell tell you why you SHOULD have cold feet, icy ones, in fact. You're proposing sending your girlfriend, whom I can only assume you love, into the arms of a stranger, about whom you know nothing, in a setting which would render her defenseless. The danger far outweighs any vicarious pleasure you might derive and why she's willing to do it is beyond my understanding. She must love you a lot, and if you didn't have cold feet, I'd think you must be one cold hearted son of a bitch! I think Liza understands completely; she just disagrees, as well she should! Good Luck! Husband of Alura __________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

02-02-2002, 12:12 AM	#10 (permalink)
perfectcouple Active Member Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 11 Location: Flint,Michigan	Well I tried to ignore the "obvious" but I guess i must explain a little. Alura, just 1 question,,,do you think I could some up her and my relationship in one paragraph? I think when your replying to people in the future you should put some kinda faith in the people your replying to and assume they have talked things over,,,HONESTLY. Alura states "you know nothing of this stranger",,,,we have talked to this guy for a while, know where he works, had phone conversations, etc,etc. So I guess Alura (or husband of, whatever) should go back and also read the original post. Im lucky enough to be in a relationship where both partners are pretty darn intelligent, trusting and open. Look a lot deeper, other replies seem to have done that. You mention As far as love goes,,,,you have no clue.. .. .. .. P.S, as far as you stating "and why she's willing to do it is beyond my understanding",,,Another question, do you understand women, are you the guru of womens thoughts? Just curious because if I knew one guy who knew why, what, and the thought process behind what women think I could make millions,,,are you that guy???

02-02-2002, 01:23 AM	#11 (permalink)
MattLisa Active Member Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 33 Location: Concord, California	It looks like you are interested in coming back into the hotel room after the first sexual course between your lady and the other gentleman? Yes? Well.... maybe if perfectcouple really wants to allow this, maybe it would help out if everyone met first (non-sexually) and then both sides of the couple can decide if she should be alone with him or not? It might help the nerves to know that the internet guy isn't ummmmmmm scary or anything? Good luck! __________________ She will lay with you in the rose-beds Who cares about the thorns? Will the flowers be jealous Of the attention she receives?"

02-02-2002, 02:42 AM	#12 (permalink)
LIZA Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2000 Posts: 426 Location: ORANGE COUNTY, CA Status: Married Fem.	Perfect couple- You come across as very hostile toward any advice or comments. I can only guess this is because somewhere down inside you know this is not going to turn out well and you are defensive. You say you only want input from GUYS who have been in this situation. I don't think there are any here that have, mot of us play with our partners only. If your GF will do whatever you decide, and you decide to send her off to meet this man alone, so be it. But you still have not answered the question of WHY? And also, if your relationship is so strong on love and trust, why is she uncomfortable to have you present when this happens?

02-02-2002, 06:27 AM	#13 (permalink)
Alura T-Town Playmates Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 6,122 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Married to Mrs. Alura	PerfectCouple, You made it plain in your third post that you were only interested in advice on why you might be nervous about your plans. I have no idea why you are nervous, I can only give you reasons why you SHOULD be nervous, and there are many! No, I don't claim to fully understand women, and after this exchange, I'll step right up and tell you I don't understand men, either. BTW, when a letter is signed "Alura" it's from both of us, otherwise, we specify husband or wife. Alura, as most folks would guess, is not our real name. I think this exchange has run its course. I'll have nothing further to say on this question. I'm outta here! Good luck, Husband of Alura __________________ "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." —Will Rogers

02-02-2002, 11:09 AM	#14 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 22,244 Location: Alabama Status: Female SLS Name:swingersboard Blog Entries: 59	I think it's hard for anyone to understand something that they wouldn't do. You stated in your first post (based on my understanding) that the plan is for you BOTH to meet him for dinner, then if everyone is comfortable the two of them are off to a room to call you when you are done. Correct? My question: Why do you feel it is best for you NOT to be in the room when they play? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this, there are many swinging couples who play seperately and that doesn't make them NOT swingers. Just wondering what your reasoning is behind it. Perhaps if you were to be in the room with her (and enjoy everything first hand rather than just get the story later) you might be more comfortable with this idea. There is plenty of time for her to play on her own later after you've had a chance to enjoy it with her. And, once you've been there with her with this guy you will know exactly what goes on between them, you will know how he is going to treat her and you will know if you are going to be jealous about what is going on. Basically, as the setup stands you will be sitting alone twiddling your thumbs waiting for a phone call. Why shouldn't you get any enjoyment out of this along with her? Perhaps you are nervous because you aren't really getting anything out of this or because you really do want to be more involved in this first meeting. Maybe you feel like since you've already agreed to do it one way you can't change your mind (you can). If that's the case talk to your GF, you never know maybe that's why she had cold feet too. __________________ Julie Owner/ Admin http://www.swingersboard.com

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02-03-2002, 10:07 AM	#15 (permalink)
lycioos Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 123	I was thinking of something as I read this post. In the begining perfectcpl said that both him and his g/f were married before. Both failed marriages and in both marriages the females had men, but there was no mention of the men having females. I'm thinking that there may be a certain amount of fear due to the fact of repeat mistakes. Involving other men in the first relationships didn't work. What is different this time? You have only dated for 5 months. Maybe you should think this through some more before considering this. It takes time to REALLY get to know and trust another person. Exspecially after having been hurt before. It took us 5 years to really, really understand each other. Maybe some people are quicker than us, but then again, maybe not.

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