Thinking I want MFM...How do I ask?

[Vjklander]

There are a lot of guys who wouldn't play with another guy in the room. They might be afraid of comparisons or be homophobic. Whatever.

Don't get all stressed out about it. You have the right enjoy life. You have the right to maximize your pleasures. If someone wants to do that for you, great!! If they don't, find someone who will. Of course, that also applies to your friend and your SO.

[jamther]

Well...to all that have been following this and/or offering great advice, I finally touched base with the intended who we were supposed to meet up with last night.....

He lost his nerve....he words were "I could never do another man's wife with him there, I'd be wondering and waiting for the ax to my back....". So apparently he was mistrusting of me, him, us and the situation.

He said he's had several MFF's but never the way I asked.

Also said I was way OVERTHINKING this and basically acted like he was annoyed that he was having to have this conversation.

Oh well.....I really F'ed this one up. I should have just left it as it was with my hubby letting me have that great fling on Oct 20th. Now I feel like he thinks I'm a complete basket case. First I come and blindside him with a Saturday afternoon romp after 13 years, then ask for him to come home with me, with Hubby, then I act like an emotional wreck when he backs out....

Should have left it where it was still erotic...now it's just a fantasy taken to far and fizzled out...

Wow.....we need some more work. I think we'll be lurking here for awhile before our next big date.

Thanks to all who have shown their compassion.........

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by jamther

He lost his nerve....he words were "I could never do another man's wife with him there, I'd be wondering and waiting for the ax to my back....". So apparently he was mistrusting of me, him, us and the situation.

Also said I was way OVERTHINKING this and basically acted like he was annoyed that he was having to have this conversation.

These are the kind of statements and reactions you will probably get from men who know nothing about swinging. To them, you are an opportunity that comes along, like the other women they've had sex with.

Seeking swingers, either single males or couples who are open to solo play might be a better direction at this point.

Chaulk this up to a learning experience and focus on how much smarter you are now. You can proceed differently in the future with your newfound insight.

LM

[purpletiger]

Originally Posted by jamther

Also said I was way OVERTHINKING this and basically acted like he was annoyed that he was having to have this conversation.

Oh well.....I really F'ed this one up. I should have just left it as it was with my hubby letting me have that great fling on Oct 20th. Now I feel like he thinks I'm a complete basket case. First I come and blindside him with a Saturday afternoon romp after 13 years, then ask for him to come home with me, with Hubby, then I act like an emotional wreck when he backs out....

Should have left it where it was still erotic...now it's just a fantasy taken to far and fizzled out...

Wow.....we need some more work. I think we'll be lurking here for awhile before our next big date.

First, I don't understand why he should be upset at having this conversation. He should have been man enough to call you and explain his issues instead of making you find him for an explanation.

He should be flattered you wanted him.

Next, don't beat yourself up. Just like dating, there are great ones, and there are duds. And we learn from each one.

Don't give up, and have fun!

[lovinher]

Sounds like you are better off that nothing happpened with this guy. You did nothing wrong and stop worrying about he thinks. The only thing that matters is you and your husband, who I happen to think is a lucky guy for the way you handled it.

[Vjklander]

Live and learn eh? You got one good lay out of the deal. He sounds a bit self-centered to me. There are plenty of good swingers out there just waiting for you. Like shooting fish in a barrel.

[sweet_tna]

First off, do NOT blame yourself. The guy wasn't enough of a man to call you and let you know he was uncomfortable. Bad form. And to try and make you feel bad on top of it was just plain rude.

Does this mean you were wrong for wanting MFM? Hell no! You picked the wrong guy, and it's something you can learn from. Next time (and I do hope there will be), you'll be a little wiser and choose better.

~Mrs. Sweet =)

[turnuptheheat]

Allow me to be the devil's advocate.
The guy panicked and ran.
On the other side, you have had one good experience with him, so before you file it away, do you want to talk or email some between all three to see if there is enough common ground to try again?

[jamther]

You know guys, I have been completely beating myself up over this whole thing....And I'm tired of it. I feel really F'ing pissed, more so at myself for letting this get the best of me. I'm really mad that I can't get a grip and get over the whole ego end of this. I feel like a 10th grader.

Part of me just wants to call him again and say "Ok....lets do this, just me and you....". With hubby's blessing of course, but he's not so sure of that happening again. That was really hard on him. Letting me go off to meet this guy for the sole purpose of a fuck was VERY unselfish and completely unheard of (at least in our social circle....). So unless my intended agrees to come home with me, I can't see it happening again. And honestly, even though this guy said no to the MFM, and I told him I couldn't meet him alone, I was still hoping he'd beg. Pretty ridiculous huh?!?!?

I really think that it's being desired by someone else that is enticing to me. After being married 10+ years and having three children....this feeling of "someone wanting to fuck me" is very addicting. For the first time in 6 years (since starting my baby days), I feel attractive and like I'm being noticed. And what better way then to go after the guy I didn't get to have.

It's not the way it's supposed to be I know. I think I'm mixing in some variables into this and complicating things way too much. What are my new friends thinking??? Be honest, I can take it. I need it.

[DBL D]

This has been a very interesting and educational thread...for us all and for you.

I'm the type that usually gets really excited about any meeting we might have with another couple...to the point where my wife may think I'm too close to the situation. Seems no one ever really understands anything about the way someone may feel about a sexual encounter...you know...about walking a mile in my shoes kind of thing.

Other than maybe not letting the other guy know about your swinging activities, I don't think you did anything wrong. It's okay to get excited. It's what you are looking for...someone with desire for you. This guy sounds like the wrong guy. He couldn't even return your messages when he must have known how you felt. That in itself would piss me off. Lack of regard. So what if he was nervous. Bad stuff to do especially in the early stages.

Hope you don't give up on your desires for a mfm.

Male D.

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by jamther

I really think that it's being desired by someone else that is enticing to me. After being married 10+ years and having three children....this feeling of "someone wanting to fuck me" is very addicting. For the first time in 6 years (since starting my baby days), I feel attractive and like I'm being noticed.

Absolutely, it's one of the things I enjoy most about swinging. Knowing someone other than my husband finds me attractive and wants to have sex with me is quite the turn on. It's so powerful to feel like someone more than mommy, wife, and PTO member. I need that time to be a woman--and a desirable one, at that. And that does carry over into my relationship with my honey--in a positive way. I've become more confident and responsive.

It's easy to over-complicate things sometimes. In this situation, you simply picked a guy that couldn't handle playing with your husband around. And because you and your hubby are newbies to swinging, you took it to heart. Let it go, but continue to embrace these new feelings and TALK to your husband about maybe trying again--with a better choice of play partner. Maybe even try looking for couples.

~Mrs. Sweet =)

[Alura]

Originally Posted by jamther

You know guys, I have been completely beating myself up over this whole thing....And I'm tired of it. I feel really F'ing pissed, more so at myself for letting this get the best of me. I'm really mad that I can't get a grip and get over the whole ego end of this. I feel like a 10th grader.

It seems to me, Jamther, that you've beaten yourself up enough over a person who is not worth the emotional distress.

Part of me just wants to call him again and say "Ok....lets do this, just me and you....". With hubby's blessing of course, but he's not so sure of that happening again. That was really hard on him. Letting me go off to meet this guy for the sole purpose of a fuck was VERY unselfish and completely unheard of (at least in our social circle....). So unless my intended agrees to come home with me, I can't see it happening again. And honestly, even though this guy said no to the MFM, and I told him I couldn't meet him alone, I was still hoping he'd beg. Pretty ridiculous huh?!?!?

I don't think you should put your husband through such a feeling again. Even if "your intended" came home with you, I doubt the experience would be what it should be, considering the attitudes of all. Count yourself lucky that he didn't beg. Had he, you might have found yourself in a very bad situation.

I really think that it's being desired by someone else that is enticing to me. After being married 10+ years and having three children....this feeling of "someone wanting to fuck me" is very addicting. For the first time in 6 years (since starting my baby days), I feel attractive and like I'm being noticed. And what better way then to go after the guy I didn't get to have.

It seems to me you did get to have him. Unfortunately, it didn't evolve in the direction you'd hoped. Accept that and move on.

Swinging does, indeed, make us feel more attractive and is probably one of the major (and valid) reasons for doing it. A better (and decidedly less dramatic) way to achieve that feeling might be to meet a couple who would be willing to do threesomes on a "take turns" basis with the person who is left out either waiting his/her turn while watching or not there at all. That way all would be enduring the same risks.

It's not the way it's supposed to be I know. I think I'm mixing in some variables into this and complicating things way too much. What are my new friends thinking??? Be honest, I can take it. I need it.

One thing that is unique about the wonderful people who post on this board is that they really care about you and about the lifestyle. We'll be your friends regardless of your decision.

I think you need to leave this potentially explosive situation behind. "Your intended" does not understand what you and your husband are trying to do and likely never will. He is not destined to be a swinger, now or in the future.

Next time you see him, be quite friendly, but act as if nothing sexual ever happened between you.

That's my advice.

Mr. Alura

[purpletiger]

WOW - ditto what Mr. Alura said:

A date or meetup didn't go as planned. Most don't. I think you should quit dwelling on what might have been and look at what could be.

Since this really excited you and your other half, then you should decide how to pursue it, not this guy (he doesn't deserve it), but your fantasies.

Other men (and ladies) will find you sexy and attractive also. I would suggest getting dressed up and you and your husband check out a local swing club. Don't go to swing, but go to have a great night out, flirt, talk to some like minded couples and have fun. Get that "I'm wanted" feeling from others.

Then, go home, and .... afterward you two talk about what you want to do going forward:

Remember the one time and relive the fantasies?
Find other swingers and soft or full swap?
Find another single male and make this fantasy come true?

There are many choices so put your energies into making them real and you'll understand he was just training wheels to get you ready for the real ride!

Good Luck and have fun!

[Vjklander]

Originally Posted by jamther

I really think that it's being desired by someone else that is enticing to me.

I think this is a self-esteem issue that is very common in the community. I'm quite sure it is more than a minor variable in our decision to get involved originally. You also have to appreciate the fact that you are using the other feller to validate your desirability. My suggestion would be to try to stick to boner-fide swingers for awhile. There is much less probability of trouble that way, but you still get most of the advantages.

[jamther]

So again, thanks to all for their well-spoken and well received advice. We are moving on from this experience with the newfound knowledge that this is a very big turn-on for us. Although certainly not a lifestyle for all, it works for us and can be the "spark" our marriage needs. Not that we have the time, energy or desire to practice this on a weekly, or even monthy basis, it is a tool we can use when we feel it's due.

I go away from this knowing:

A: I "got" the guy I always wanted.
B: He DID want me again, I just can't do that without hubby.

and

C: I am a very lucky lady. My husband is amazing.

And oh yeah....I've still got it after all these years....!!!