Ethical Non Monogamy

[ViSexual]

I just ran across this term on another site and did some research on it. Here's a link:

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/P.../nonmonog.html

You know, we've gotten a stigma on the term swinging, and lifestyle, over the years and this new, to me anyway, sounds more socially acceptable.

I'd think that I could easily say that I practice ethical non monogamy easily!

I guess it's like politics..., it isn't what you do nearly as much as choosing the right words, or spins, in describing it.

And, in swinging, the thing that makes it not just 'getting strange' like you do with cheating..., it's the ethical part of discussing and sharing the experience with your lover.

[rpu3]

I personally subscribe to this theory, only we call it consensual non-monogamy. Perhaps it's just "spin", but I don't feel either my spouse or I fall 100% into the "traditional" swinger category. This "spin" seems to fit us better.

I really enjoyed The Ethical Slut (one of the recommended books in your linked article) for its common sense approach to nonmonogamy, swinging, polyamory, and all of the alternative sexual lifestyles.

Rebecca

[Spoomonkey]

I think it is semantics - and I am not a fan of splitting hairs with words. If you say to someone you are "ethically non-monogamous" they will say "you do what with a mongoose?" Tell them you are a "swinger" and they understand as much as they really need to.

My choice? Don't tell them anything. People at swing clubs don't care what you call it and people who aren't swingers don't need to know what you do with your spare time.

As long as we (as a couple) get to enjoy the freedoms of sexual expression and the excitement of realizing fantasies, we can call it whatever... If we called it "tater totting" and it meant the same - I'd be cool with that...

Spoomonkey

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I think it is semantics - and I am not a fan of splitting hairs with words. If you say to someone you are "ethically non-monogamous" they will say "you do what with a mongoose?" Tell them you are a "swinger" and they understand as much as they really need to.

My choice? Don't tell them anything. People at swing clubs don't care what you call it and people who aren't swingers don't need to know what you do with your spare time.

For the spouse and I, and in the context of the world of personal ads or personal interactions, the words we choose to describe ourselves is quite important.

What we seek in a swing club when we go, versus what we seek in a more personal approach via personal introductions, or personal ads or other approaches, or in talking with some of our friends (we are open about our activities with a few close vanilla friends), requires words, or, more precisely, splitting hairs with words. We don't wish to lead anybody on as to what we are and what we seek. I have used in our ads that we wouldn't necessarily describe ourselves as swingers, but as opportunists or consensual nonmonogamists, so that people that seek sex without friendship or whatever know to pass us by.

"Words are made for a certain exactness of thought..." (Rene Daumal)

Heck, the fact that we prefer to split hairs on the words is fair enough warning to others that we may not be their cup of tea, and vice versa, as everyone's mileage may vary. Vive la difference!

[DGrey]

The definition of monogamy is the practice of being married to or only having one mate in a lifetime (or in these days at a time I suppose) and comes from the Latin mono, meaning "one" and gamen meaning "marriage".

So, according to that, swingers are monogamous. I don't consider other people I sleep with as mates and I'm certainly not going to marry any of them.

Of course, within the definition of monogamy, sexual exclusivity is implied but I'm all about what's within the root of a word. I'm an Anglophile at heart and etymology is a fascination of mine.

E

[Tybee Swing]

I think that ethical or consensual non-monogamy sounds more intelligent, thought out and more like a valid way of life than the word "swinging" does.

I think that those who don't know much about the lifestyle view swingers as wild party animals, sex addicts, will-screw-anything people. I think they picture what we do as sort of a crazy gang-bang with a pile of strangers. In fact, I've been approached by newbie men in the lifestyle a few times who assumed I was like this, because they had this image. They think they can just reach out and take. (It's what they see in porn or have read that swinging is.)

I don't think the general public knows that the majority of swingers are more selective and generally like to know who they're having sex with. I think that today, most of us who swing are more like selective single people are when they're looking for a partner...we have certain tastes and standards, and we want a connection and attraction before we have sex. The only difference is that we are doing it together as couples, rather than 1-by-1 as singles. I know of people who play with friends and don't define themselves as swingers, because they believe the stereotype of swingers (even though they are swinging).

"Swinging" sounds so 60's-70's to me. I think a smaller percentage of us are swinging in the old sense of the word.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by DGrey

The definition of monogamy is the practice of being married to or only having one mate in a lifetime (or in these days at a time I suppose) and comes from the Latin mono, meaning "one" and gamen meaning "marriage".

So, according to that, swingers are monogamous. I don't consider other people I sleep with as mates and I'm certainly not going to marry any of them.

Good point!

[JustAskJulie]

Sounds a lot like "sanitation engineer" to me. Call it whatever you want but it's all the same thing in the end.

[WesternSwing]

Regardless of the words used, the article is eloquently done and something I feel even the staunchest "monogamist" could read through and at least get a glimmer of understanding about a lifestyle we have freely and openly chose together.

Mr. WS

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Sounds a lot like "sanitation engineer" to me. Call it whatever you want but it's all the same thing in the end.

My thoughts exactly...

Originally Posted by rpu3

I have used in our ads that we wouldn't necessarily describe ourselves as swingers, but as opportunists or consensual nonmonogamists, so that people that seek sex without friendship or whatever know to pass us by.

Why not just say "friends first"?

Call me a minimalist when it comes to my approach at communication, but I tend to think the terms that are more readily understood and accessible are always preferable to jargon.

Besides "opportunists" or "consensual nonmonogamists" doesn't say a thing about a desire for friendship. In fact, both seem to give me the impression - based just on the terminology - that either of you would sleep around without the other if the opportunity arises. "Opportunists" makes me think the exact opposite of developing friendship...

And if Daumal was correct (and I am not so sure he was) then these words have fallen well short of "exactness of thought".

Spoomonkey

[Mr. Truelove]

Dressing up the title doesn't change what it is. And eventually it''d become to mean the same thing as it does to say you are swingers.

I'm fine with being called a swinger.

Mr. Truelove

[rpu99]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Sounds a lot like "sanitation engineer" to me. Call it whatever you want but it's all the same thing in the end.

Julie,

if it were the same thing in the end, then yes there would be no need for different descriptors. But to me, it is not the same thing in the end and different words are an attempt to make clear those differences.

Simply put, the sanitation engineer example does not apply.

rpu99

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by rpu99

if it were the same thing in the end, then yes there would be no need for different descriptors. But to me, it is not the same thing in the end and different words are an attempt to make clear those differences.

What is the difference?

Spoomonkey

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Why not just say "friends first"?

Because I don't want to and choose not to?

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Call me a minimalist when it comes to my approach at communication, but I tend to think the terms that are more readily understood and accessible are always preferable to jargon.

Besides "opportunists" or "consensual nonmonogamists" doesn't say a thing about a desire for friendship. In fact, both seem to give me the impression - based just on the terminology - that either of you would sleep around without the other if the opportunity arises. "Opportunists" makes me think the exact opposite of developing friendship...

And if Daumal was correct (and I am not so sure he was) then these words have fallen well short of "exactness of thought".

Spoomonkey

For the record, given the right set of circumstances, the position of the moon, my Tarot reading for the day, global warming, or whatever, we would consider playing alone or to "sleep around", so that paticular interpretation of the words might be correct.

Perhaps the words don't mean anything to some and conveys the exact opposite. That's cool, as everyone is different and seeking what they want. At the same time, we have met with enough people who understand what we are saying. Those successes are enough for me to keep using my/our "jargon". The jargon seems to weed out the rest who don't understand or do understand and are simply not interested.

Oh, whatever. Freakin' words. Like everything in these alternative lifestyles, it's personal choice and personal expression. I don't care what people call themselves; I just want the ability to label myself as I see fit.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

Regardless of the words used, the article is eloquently done and something I feel even the staunchest "monogamist" could read through and at least get a glimmer of understanding about a lifestyle we have freely and openly chose together.

Mr. WS

I agree with Mr. WS. This article is well written and gives a great overview of the basics. It would be a good primer to pass on to anyone who has never considered swinging, and if they were asking for my input on the subject I'd pass this article on to them. I think it's a positive first glimpse for people who have questions about non-monogomy.

The article is titled "Are you open to an alternative lifestyle?" and the term 'alternative lifestyle' as well as '(ethical) non-monogamy' are terms that would have been understood and used 40 years ago and will also be understood 40 years from now. For this reason I feel they are the best words to describe the subject and much better than the words that have come before and gone, i.e. "wife swapping" and our present word "swinging" which will probably be replaced with some new descriptive in years to come.

Let's look at the bigger picture, focus on what we're all talking about - a choice we've made in how we live - not the latest trend in pop terms for 2007. Let's look at how well the article focused on the positives of sharing ourselves sexually with more than one person.

If you took the article and replace the words 'non-monogamy' with 'swinging,' then put the article in front of the public, most people would likely never read it with an open mind. The author was smart enough to realize this and has written an article that will never seem outdated. It will be as viable decades from now as it is today.

LM