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Showing results for tags 'quitting'.
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Just wondering how many have quit swinging due to STD concerns? -
Before we had gotten into the lifestyle, I always had an issue with keeping true to a monogamous relationship. Finally we discovered swinging and that was a total game changer. I was no longer dishonest with my wife, we indulged in many things together and I had a new found passion. However, now my wife has decided she no longer wants to be a part of it and I couldn't honestly or happily continue on without her. Not to mention my new favorite fetish is cuckolding and ya kinda need the wife in the picture for that... anyhow, I truly feel like if we were to completely stop and never do this again, I would not be happy or feel completely fulfilled. But I can't lose or leave my wife, we have too much together and I love her so much. Any advice? Her reasons are because we never have time, our location is not the best, and she has found religion that obviously has rules against such acts. -
How to know you're on track for relationship success or pitfalls?
Guest posted a topic in Curious About Swinging?
I'm MADLY in love with my wife and I want to make 100% that nothing jeopardizes our relationship... well, ok, 100% is kinda ridiculous and I know someone will say "If you want those odds, don't swing!"... so we're willing to take some risk, but hopefully you understand the context of my point. We're both very interested in getting deeper and deeper into the lifestyle. So far we've gone to about 5 on-premises club events and mostly watched, had people watch us, and very light / soft swap (lots of touching and rubbing, but no oral or anything past that). We've been taking it slow and feeling things out. My feeling right now: We are interested in playing in the deep end eventually, but we want to feel out for sharp rocks before diving head first. I'd hate to "dive in" and do a full swap and then find out that one of us is thrown for an unexpected loop and it messes things up. I've been reading as much online as possible about relationships coming out of swinging. Here's the problem: Non-swinging blogs, forums, etc: "I know a few couples whose relationships were destroyed by it!" The problem here is that anybody who was into swinging and no-longer is, probably isn't inclined to post their own experiences. Swinging blogs and forums: A self-selective group where most will say, "It's benefited our relationship and made it stronger." This is expected since most people who hated swinging, fought, got divorced over it, etc. probably won't be here chatting everyone up and shooting the breeze about the lifestyle. I read post after post that says, "If you have any jealousy, don't do it!" (meaning keep getting deeper into swinging). The first time we went to a swing club it was perfect. The second time there was some communication problems, jealousy, and a pretty heated argument. Should we have quit right there? Our third and fourth time was great and no problems. The fifth time there was a little bit of an issue, but after some slight emotional back and forth everything was fine. Should we have quit? Should we quit? We're both SUPER excited about what lies ahead. Talking and thinking about what we've done and what we will do gets us crazy turned on. We're both at our computers right now and each of us are on lifestyle sites... I think we're addicts! So, here's the big question: How do you know when the "jealousy" and "poor communication" crosses the line from "Meh, many swingers, especially new ones, go through this and find their comfort level... it's just part of the process." vs. "DANGER! STAY AWAY! DISASTER AHEAD!!!!" If we had a crystal ball that showed us "If you keep down this path you'll eventually break up" we'd quit immediately. On the flip side, if we quit right now we'd feel like someone was about to hand us the keys to a brand new Ferrari and then yanked it away from us at the last minute. Is there any way for us to know when what we're feeling and dealing with crosses the line from "par for the course" into "danger, turn around!"? -
So most you you have followed some of our posts know that we just hit our 1 year mark back in May and everyone picks up funny stories when you swing right? So one of ours starts off as "so how many couples have you run out of the lifestyle?" Yes, it's meant to be in jest and only after you have had a few drinks and everyone is having fun but the surprising responses are actual numbers. Four, one, We have actually had two couples delete their profiles after we slept with them...were we that bad They just closed shop and disappeared (just in case your wondering our thoughts on why, couple one - we think their family found out and they deleted their profiles and repented, lol. Couple two - no real clue). So how many people have just up and deleted their accounts after an encounter with you?
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I've seen a lot of threads lately where the wife has an experience that shakes the husband's confidence. I've also seen posts, periodically, that say something like, my wife/my husband, wants to quit swinging, and I don't, what should I do? All situations the did, or could, call into question continuing in swinging. Which made me wonder... Could you quit? I mean for good. Not bide your time until he/she comes around again. Could you walk away from it today, (virtually) never look back, and live happily only having sex with your spouse for the rest of your life? I'll start... I could. -
I posted previously about the swinging history of my husband and me in another thread. It hasn't been pretty. I've been talking to H about our feelings regarding the whole matter the last couple days, and we're at a stalemate. I can't handle watching him with another women and would be content to leave the lifestyle entirely. H points out that I have had some good times with it, he has had some good times, why can't we have good times together in the lifestyle? To him it's not just the sex- he says he also enjoys the atmosphere of the clubs, the sexy, edgy vibes that people give out there, the thrill of going against norms. And don't I enjoy refusing to become the frumpy wife that a lot of his friends have? I pointed out that the occasions when I had the most fun were the ones when I was by myself- I can only enjoy it if he's out of sight, out of mind- can't do it with him. Couple activities I have problems with. He asks why I would be willing to give up having that fun? I've pointed out to him that I can live without this and be content with one man for the rest of my life- I don't need this and it's not working for me as a couple. We can find social outlets elsewhere. His response: he believes it's made us stronger as a couple and really improved our sex lives. He has the best sex with me after being with someone else. I believe the total opposite: I have put a wall up around me that keeps me distant from him emotionally and sex afterwards feels really off. I have asked him previously which was more important to him- me or the freedom to have a variety of swing partners. He won't answer that because he feels I'm painting him into a corner to say he'll drop it for me- and claims he could easily ask the reverse: if H was the most important thing to me, then I would be willing to do this. Thing is- that's exactly why I've done it this long (6 or 7 years), and I can't anymore. We're at a stalemate- has anyone else had these kind of discussions/impasses? Am I making too much of the whole situation and should just go along with it like I have been? -
Well, its happened....because of a couple bad experiences the wife has decided that she is thru meeting with couples for now. We've met 3 couples while in the lifestyle, the first one there was way to much drama, rules kept changing, and she always felt "obligated" to fuck him, the 2nd was jealous of the fact she has had a long time bf, that he knew of before we started playing, and was tryiing to get her to break it off with him, the third couple was going great, we were both looking forward in getting together, the problem was that the hubby never even talked to her once in 3 weeks....Shes doesn't want to fuck someone that wouldn't even talk to her....So she is just going to stick with the 2 guys she has now, and I'm on my own if I wanna meet others....
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I am posting this question for a swinging couple we play with often. We are both wondering what she and her husband SHOULD have done in this situation. We as well as they have been in the lifestyle for about a year and a half....so while we aren't newbies, we arent seasoned either which obviously resulted in my friend and her hubby's awkward situation.....she is here with me as I type this btw. Here's what happened. We (as in my hubby, her hubby, she and I) went to a swinger club together. We met up with a couple that we had all viewed on SLS we'll call them "The XYZ's". None of us were very attracted to this couple but we are always up for making new friends. To make a very long story short, my friend and her hubby ended up going back to a hotel with "The XYZ's". She and hubby had both had a few drinks. Before they left my friend pulled me to the side and said "do you think I will regret this in the morning" to which I replied "ugh....maybe?" I didnt want to say OMG RUN because while they werent attractive to me they may have been to her and so I just said maybe. She explained to The XYZ's that she has a MAJOR body hair issue...and asked the guy if he was hairy. He said OH NO NOT AT ALL, so she believed him. On the drive to the hotel, Mr. XYZ kept saying "i might be 40 but my cock is only 25"....."i can go forever so I hope your hubby won't get mad"....etc etc etc. These things were NOT turning her on in fact, she started to feel suddenly very sober....wishing for a way out. They get into the room initially things were going well, Mr. XYZ then took off his shirt and my friend was MORTIFIED. He was a SASQUATCH. So here's my friend......with her hair issue, (that she had explained to said man) faced with a man that is so hairy you could braid his nipple hair. sigh He also had quite a belly BUT that wasn't so much the issue. She does not expect perfection at all but the INSANE amount of hair excentuated the belly. Then he removed his pants and that's when my friend realized her night was not going to go well........ He was uncircumsized......which she has NEVER encountered before, never even seen one in real life and so let's add things up HAIRY BIG BELLY EXCENTUATED BY HAIRINESS UNCIRCUMSIZED PENIS (first one she had ever seen) But wait there is more. He could not get it up......at all. She tried with all her might despite being mortfied. She thought if she just closed her eyes she could overlook all those things but he just could not get an erection. His wife then came over and tried for a while and still NOTHING. At this point both women are with hairy man TRYING TO HELP HIM while the other man laid on the other bed watching basketball....eventually falling asleep. They continued trying to get him hard AT HIS INSISTENCE for about an hour and a half. He kept saying things like "your not leaving here until I fuck you".My friend was ready to give up on several occasions but he wouldnt have it. Finally my friend went to go to the bathroom thinking when she came out everyone will have given up...no such luck. She came out and he was sitting in a chair masterbating....still with no erection. He motioned for her to come to him so she began sucking him as did his wife. Then he SNAPPED at my friends husband and pointed towards his wife as if to say go to her. The hubby came to her, put a condom on and began having sex with Mrs. XYZ when she motioned for him to stop. Mr. XYZ (aka hairy man) still was not getting hard. A few minutes later he did start to get an erection, he picked my friend up carried her to the bed, put a condom off and lost the erection. Finally at that point he said I GIVE UP and then told his wife to play with my friend and her hubby that he would just sit there. They all agreed that was a bad idea and that maybe it was best they just try another time. They left and have not really talked to the couple since. What would you have done to cut this situation short of the two hour horribleness that it was without hurting anyone's feelings?
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I have been asked by a large popular magazine to comment on the number of people that drop out of swinging and the reasons why. Although I do I know a few couples that have quit swinging, I would like to ask if you either know people that are no longer swinging (and why), or if you you ever thought that you may drop out (and why). I would appreciate any feedback or commentary.
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After a whirlwind first year of swinging, with one couple rather regularly (couple #1-including some separate play), and another couple (couple #2) twice, my wife was diagnosed with herpes and says she will not do it anymore - she is totally done. Everything was great until the diagnosis. When we found out we were both devastated and I felt guilty. I thought we were done at that point, but even after the diagnosis we went to a party recently with couple #2 and after the party they came to our house and we told them about the diagnosis and we still swung. On top of the herpes issue she is also afraid the other people at the party know about us and doesn't like sneaking around and now she is sure she is done with it and attributes it to drinking too much each time. But during the last year she told me several times when she hadn't had too much to drink that she was just as into it as I was (which was a lot). I think we both enjoyed our foray into the lifestyle immensely and if she had not gotten herpes and we were smarter and more discreet we would continue with it. It looks like our swinging is dead but I think neither of us really wants it to be - what should I/we do. Thanks in advance for all the advice I can get. -
I'm curious, what things in the lifestyle have made you consider calling it quits? I think most of us at some point have taken breaks for various reasons, but have you ever considered completely throwing in the towel? If so, why? There are times when I seriously feel like all the work just isn't worth the outcome. In the end, we keep at it and just re-arrange the way that we do things to fit what works for us. Right now we are "on a break" from actively swinging (due to health issues) but we still go to the socials and enjoy the atmosphere and the friends.
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Some of the discussions in the thread: "Is it a lifestyle or a hobby?" got me thinking.... If you are not actively swinging, are you still a swinger? What is it that makes someone a "swinger", anyway? We have so many different definitions of what swinging is, who it includes, what it includes... but what is it that determines if you are a swinger? If you haven't played in a year but think you might again, are you still a swinger? If you haven't played in 10 years and probably never will again but you still hang out and are friends with swingers because you like their attitude better than vanilla people, are you a swinger? Or just a wanna-be?
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My gf and I have been swingers on and off for about five years now. We enjoy the thought of swinging! However, when we do the actual deed...swapping of course. We feel a little unfulfilled. We are not saying anything bad about the couples we have played with. They were very nice people! And we don't feel bad or anything about what we did. We just don't have fond memories of the experiences. Actually, there have been some good times! We have gone from "one nighters" to trying out the friendship thing and nothing seems to work. Like I said, we enjoy the thought of swinging. Maybe swinging isn't for us anymore?? What do you think we should do? Any advice would be helpful.
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We have been married 17 years; good, close relationship. We have done some "soft-swinging" in the past; very limited experience with a few different people, two with couples and one with another M. She is concerned about discretion, etc. She doesn't want it with people we know, or close by, doesn't want it with strangers. We met a great couple online, and after 10 weeks of emails and phone calls she agreed to meet them and we had a nice picnic and talked for 6 hours. We all enjoyed each others company and we all hit it off, even she said they were attractive, intelligent and very much like us. They are beginners too. We agreed to meet again in a five weeks at our house, and to use our hot tub. We all agreed that we would keep it to light soft swinging. Now she says she doesn't want to; says that we're going too fast. She says she just wants to be "friends" with them, and maybe after a year we might go in the hot tub, and doesn't want a sexual relationship with them. I and the other couple were looking forward meeting again and using the hot tub; she says she feels like it's the three of us against her. She says if we do anything at all that she would be doing it just for me, and would be very passive about it. Do I just drop the whole thing and apologize to the other couple? Or how can I salvage this situation? It was very difficult to find this couple and we felt lucky that we all got along so well. I'm afraid if we let it go we'll never get this kind of opportunity again. -
We didn't ever really get to do anything but go to one house party, which was fun, and also my Wife's first time with a woman. Read on for my (our) story... It began when my Wife dared me to find a place to post naked pictures of her online. I found a couple of sites where you could put adult content and profiles up, and she started down the road as a sort-of internet porn star. Shortly thereafter, she revealed to me that she was bisexual, and had been interested in girls since she was a teenager. I was shocked, but not disappointed The next subject we found ourselves discussing was swinging. It was something we talked about for several months before we finally were invited to a party. We both enjoyed the experience, and were looking forward to doing it again. Then, probably due to some changes in her (menopause?), she became depressed. It was during this time that she started to spend enormous amounts of time late at night on her computer. I found out later that she was having an online relationship with some guy she met. We struggled with this for a while - we had agreed that this wasn't an 'open marriage' emotionally and if we wanted to play together with other people, that was fine, but no emotional involvement. The relationship ended when she discovered that the guy was just using her. After a period of recovery, just when things were starting to get back to normal, she calls me and says that she's deleting all her profiles, etc, and there's something she wants to tell me when I get home. She told me that she decided to get 'closer to god' and that she wasn't going to be doing the internet porn thing anymore, no more swinging, and that porn, swinging, etc. are sins, etc. And that she's not bisexual anymore. We had been together for 10 years. I was sheltered very much when I was growing up, and it took a lot for me to become comfortable with myself and open up to her (she was wild, and me being a 'prude' for most of our marriage didn't help). We opened up to each other, and became closer, and had a lot of fun, up until her depression and online relationship. There are so many things that changed, overnight. I now have to learn how to cope with someone who despises the fact that I still like to watch porn (and always have, so it's not some new thing), aside from the fact that she has become a very different person. Sorry for the long post. I'm not sure this is posted in the right section. But I would appreciate any comments or thoughts - this is so confusing and somewhat scary.
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Hey all. Well it seems our swinging life has come to an end. Husband last night comes to me and says "We need to talk." Naturally I am thinking "Uh-oh, kids did something, money is tight or something." Once the kids are in bed, and we settle down at the kitchen table (which is where we have all our discussions) he tells me he doesn't want to swing anymore. I was kinda surprised at this because he always seemed to have fun when we went out to have fun. But I have always said on this board that at any time a spouse wants to stop, then you stop. And I am a firm believer in practicing what you preach...so... I looked at him and said that was okay, we were in this for fun, and if he was no longer having fun then its okay. He asked if I was mad about it, and I chuckled and said "of course not, why would I be? I love you, not the play partners. You matter more than anyone, and if you wanna stop then because I respect you we stop." Or something along those lines. But I did ask him why. I made it very clear I was not asking why to try and find a reason to change his mind. The bottom line is stop means stop and the only reason I was asking was so that I understood why. It helps to know why, I would think. I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't something that was done by me or said. But all I get from him is "just 'cause". We have really opened up lines of communication during this time in our lives and I do not want to see them close just because we have decided to call it quits. But I do not want to pester him and push him to answer a question either. Am I wrong for wanting to know the why's? If I am I guess I will just drop it. And if I am not wrong for wanting to know why, does anyone have any advice on how to approach him now. I am afraid that now if i approach him he might think I am pestering him, and I don't want that either. I just have no idea how to get this in the open. I feel like part of him has just closed up, with no explanations. Anyone else deal with this? -
I just read this fascinating poll of the age of people in the lifestyle The poll shows a gradual and steady increase in swinging, with the peak population in their mid-to-late 30's. After that, there is a gradual and very consistent, steady decline with age. This got me thinking about why the decline with age. So, for the over-40 crowd: Are they just tired of it and moving on to other things in their lives? Are they not making the kinds of connections they want to anymore, either because they're not attracted to people their age, or people aren't attracted to them? Are they feeling self-conscious of aging, such as skin and bodies that are not as firm any longer? In other words, is it just harder to get naked with people, than it was before? Are there sexual dysfunction issues that cause them to get out of the Lifestyle - like erectile dysfunction for men or some loss of libido due to menopause for women? What other reasons might they be getting out? I'm just very, very curious as to the reasons why people leave the lifestyle after a certain age, and why the very steady decline in it. My hubby and I are age 45 and 46. That explains my interest in this topic. To me, after 40 seems a great time to get into it, finally. No more babies and kids to raise, and finally, many people have an "empty nest" to play in! Not to mention all the free time they finally have, once the kids are gone. It seems like a prime time to not only continue, but even to start getting into the Lifestyle.
