Co-Workers may be swingers, should we 'out' them?

[intuition897]

This isn't really much of a situation or problem, but I thought some folks on here might enjoy reading about this.

Mr. took me out for my early birthday dinner to a really nice lounge that we've often used to meet other couples at. You know, I think this particular establishment is a swingers haven as it's absolutely perfect for a first meet & greet (I'll start another thread about this). Anyway, Mr. and I are enjoy a glass of wine sitting in the comfy sofas they have instead of chairs, and he overhears some conversation from another booth about 20 feet away. He said he recognised the girl's voice as that of his co-workers. When they accidentally made eye contact he simply said 'hi, how are you?' (just your standard acknowledgment that you recognize someone, not necessarily inviting more conversation) and she returned the greeting. They didn't stay long. But Mr. is pretty good at reading people, and he noticed their conversation was the usual "SiIms" conversation (all that was missing were the thought bubbles above their heads and the green check marks or red X's that showed how compatible they were). They didn't seem to know each other very well, as there weren't any "remember when" type forays into past shared experiences. It was that usual getting-to-know-you kind of conversation that we all have when meeting a new couple the first time. We could be totally wrong about this.

Anyhoo, Mr. works fairly closely with this girl and they're fairly comfortable about where conversation goes. He wants to bring up something that might make her blush a bit, or break out into a cold sweat. Any suggestions? Nothing too evil, just in good fun! More like a Ha-ha-busted! kind of thing. We have no interest whatsoever in mixing business with pleasure as that's just a recipe for disaster, but we're not too worried that someone (trustworthy) finds out about our 'hobby'.

I don't know... are we just being too naughty here? Is this really mean? We're just goofing around, but some people might be totally offended by someone 'busting' them like this. What does everyone think?

[two4youinswva]

I don't know. Sounds like something that would come back to bite you in the ass. "No we're not swingers! That couple was our new preacher and his wife and they just got into town. Why in the world would you think we are swingers?"

I would think that if they are in the lifestyle, you'll run into them again in such a situation, and that will confirm it. (for you and them)

Maybe it's just kharma, but everytime I try to be "cute" or a "smartass", I get burned in one way or another, so I tend to be a little more cautious when it comes to such endeavors.

[northindycpl]

There is a bar here that is famous for those types of hook ups, however my old manicurist and her husband go there constantly, as it is on their way home from work and within walking distance to their house if they have too much to drink.

She is absolutely oblivious to the lifestyle and has no idea why there are so many 'nice looking couples' there everynight of the week.

Just becasue she loves their club sandwiches and bud light, doesn't make her a swinger. And I assure you after converstaions about it, she really doesn't understand the concept or know that is what her favorite bar is all about.

Just because you know that your place is a swingers place, doesn't mean they know it is. I wouldn't want to bring it up with a co-worker at all, ever.

I agree, it could bite everyone in the ass.

[staugcpl]

I say just ask her how her dinner was the other night...see where the convo goes from there.

[jcbicouple]

Originally Posted by intuition897

He wants to bring up something that might make her blush a bit, or break out into a cold sweat. Any suggestions? Nothing too evil, just in good fun! More like a Ha-ha-busted! kind of thing. We have no interest whatsoever in mixing business with pleasure as that's just a recipe for disaster, but we're not too worried that someone (trustworthy) finds out about our 'hobby'.

I don't know... are we just being too naughty here? Is this really mean? We're just goofing around, but some people might be totally offended by someone 'busting' them like this. What does everyone think?

What we think depends:
If you were actually interested, and wanted to know if they were as well. We might think "go for it", but the one line says it all "He wants to bring up something that might make her blush a bit, or break out into a cold sweat." That's not cute to most of us. It's mean. Just read through all of the posts where people thought they were busted and worried about their jobs etc.
If she were comfortable enough to say what she was doing there when you asked how dinner was: Then it's not mean, it's just poking a friend that they were busted.
You also have to consider what others have said if she's not a swinger: She may want to know why her conversation which obviously had no sexual content (since you just "think" she is) would make you believe she was. Do YOU feel like being busted? Because you may likely be setting yourself up to be!

[intuition897]

As I said, they left very shortly after Mr. said hello. We were there alone and the place was nearly empty. So it just made us wonder. And yeah, we were eavesdropping (not that we really cared exactly what they were talking about) but we just recognized the kind of conversation they were having.

Mr. is an awful tease, and this opportunity to razz this girl a bit is almost too good to pass up. Nothing bad, nothing that she couldn't talk her way out of, and certainly nothing that would necessarily give us away either. As far as office politics go, he and she are very friendly and work well together. They complain about how expensive kids' sports are, the hassle of owning pets, trouble they're having with other co-workers or occasionally sharing tid-bits of their personal lives (I said tid-bits, not life stories). We're thinking of something simple like saying, "Yeah, it was nice seeing you on the weekend...XXXXXX is a nice place to hang out....You know I hear that a lot of swingers go there [insert look of incredulity/shock]" And then just wait for the reaction. If she mirrors the look, she's either a really good liar or is genuinely shocked. If she stutters, blushes, or presents some other similar body language, we'll know she knows exactly what we're talking about. Whether Mr. would pursue the teasing beyond that I don't know. I'll leave that to his good judgment as he knows the ins and outs of his office politics.
This is on about the same level as having a swinger's secret decoder ring and noticing that someone else is wearing one too. You say the magic pharse and if they give you back the correct response, you know they're part of the club.

Again we're not interested in swinging with these guys, but we like the idea of being in good company. Swinging is not a big deal to us, and if someone found out about it, unless he chose to proclaim it from the highest mountain (or post a nasty email), it's water off a duck's back. I'll have to get Mr. to post his take on this, too.

[curiousagain]

I wouldn't say a word. Whether she is or isn't, you could be turning a friend into an enemy. I don't think the risk is worth the thrill you might get froms scaring the Hell out of another swinger.

Maybe if you just HAVE to have this thrill, do it away from work on a Friday night where you might have the weekend to "fix" things before Monday. I know I have had a couple of things mentioned to me at work and I have yet to see the humor in them.

[EvilMJ]

Dito to Curious.

You never know who you are going to end up hurting. She could just as easily turn it around and 'out' you guys. I enjoy a good razzing too, but there is a time and a place for everything. Swingers tend to enjoy their privacy and would prefer to keep their vanilla lives kept apart. My thoughts are to put yourself in her shoes, would you want people bringing up an aspect of your life that you would rather not have shared at work.

It reminds me of a time I met a guy in a bar.. we danced a lot...had a few drinks and really had a good time. Luckly nothing bad happened. The next day I go to work and guess who the new employee that i have to supervise is. I didn't bring up our little night of fun and kept it professional. In the end I think it made our work relationship better, and we ended up being really good friends. Knowing him as I do now, I realize that if I had teased him or razzed him about it, he would have become irritated by the whole thing and it would have caused some serious tension.

I can't see any good of your husband teasing her.... I would leave it to her to set the comfort level of the conversation.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

Dito to Curious.

You never know who you are going to end up hurting. She could just as easily turn it around and 'out' you guys. I enjoy a good razzing too, but there is a time and a place for everything. Swingers tend to enjoy their privacy and would prefer to keep their vanilla lives kept apart. My thoughts are to put yourself in her shoes, would you want people bringing up an aspect of your life that you would rather not have shared at work.

Frankly I wouldn't give a damn unless someone was really nasty about it and went out of their way to persecute us...which is absolutely not what we're talking about here.

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

It reminds me of a time I met a guy in a bar.. we danced a lot...had a few drinks and really had a good time. Luckly nothing bad happened. The next day I go to work and guess who the new employee that i have to supervise is. I didn't bring up our little night of fun and kept it professional. In the end I think it made our work relationship better, and we ended up being really good friends. Knowing him as I do now, I realize that if I had teased him or razzed him about it, he would have become irritated by the whole thing and it would have caused some serious tension.

Okay I think we're overestimating the aggressiveness of the teasing here. We're talking about limiting it to a carefully chosen phrase or two just to see what sort of reaction is produced. It wouldn't be anything accusatory, nor would it seem like Mr. was 'cornering' her in any way. If they're not swingers, she won't react at all except to perhaps voice her opinion of swingers in general. If she is, she'll likely react with a twitch of the eyes, or flare of the nostrils or a blush or a change in the way she's breathing. We're talking very subtle body language here. We don't want her to think "OH MY GOD HE KNOW'S!" We're thinking along the lines of "I wonder if they know..." Ok, so that's a little mean, but she'll get over it! There are lots of folks out there who might make the very same statement with much nastier opinions of swingers, and in a worst-case scenario, we're hoping she'd walk away from it realizing that there's no danger whatsoever to her being 'outed' by us. That she has a silent ally of sorts. Plus my husband is a well respected team-player in his workplace; she might just figure out "*gasp* Maybe they're swingers too!" and perhaps having known Mr. intuition as long as she has and working with him, she'll see that regular everyday people are into this stuff too. Depending on who you ask, swinging totally acceptable.

I just wanted to note that we have no sinister intentions here at all. We really are a nice couple (honest!) and we wouldn't do anything that would truly make someone uncomfortable. If she totally freaked out, then I'd say the problem was NOT with us, but with her.

[curiousagain]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Frankly I wouldn't give a damn unless someone was really nasty about it and went out of their way to persecute us...which is absolutely not what we're talking about here.

You might feel that way, but she might not.

Okay I think we're overestimating the aggressiveness of the teasing here.

I didn't think about the aggressiveness of the teasing, just the mentioning of it AT WORK.

I just wanted to note that we have no sinister intentions here at all. We really are a nice couple (honest!) and we wouldn't do anything that would truly make someone uncomfortable.

I don't think you would, but I also don't think you're realizing she may not have the same attitude about it that you do.

If she totally freaked out, then I'd say the problem was NOT with us, but with her.

The problem might be WITH her, but trust me, it would be your problem too.
Is the thrill worth the risk?

Look at your poll numbers.

And, that's all I have to say about that.

[two4youinswva]

Sorry the feedback and the poll numbers aren't what you were looking for. If you do decide to go through with it, let us know how it turns out. It may be a "learning experience" for all of us.

GOOD LUCK!

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

Sorry the feedback and the poll numbers aren't what you were looking for. If you do decide to go through with it, let us know how it turns out. It may be a "learning experience" for all of us.

GOOD LUCK!

Yes, I guess I'm sorry too. I just hope that this doesn't reflect too negatively on us, as we value the good opinions of the board members here.
I think it's one of those situations where you truly have to know the people involved (as in 'you had to be there').
Mr. is very conscious of his career and how things like swinging could negatively influence his success. We know that there is nothing wrong with it, but we know that others - as a general rule - do not share that same opinion. I trust that if he felt she couldn't take a light ribbing, he wouldn't do it. Mr. intuition is the poster-boy for discretion and propriety in the workplace, and he doesn't seem to think this would be out of line with her. Now, there are some other employees that he works with that are much more malicious and given the chance would use whatever leverage they had to further their careers. If she was questionable that way, wild horses couldn't drag it out of him. I don't know if he'll have an opportunity to discretely and casually pop it into conversation with her this week or not, but if he does, we'll let you know how it goes.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Yes, I guess I'm sorry too. I just hope that this doesn't reflect too negatively on us, as we value the good opinions of the board members here.

I still love you!

I don't think this reflects negatively on you at all, if anyone else does, that's their fault. People have different points of view, nothing wrong with that! That's what makes life interesting.

Mr. intuition is the poster-boy for discretion and propriety in the workplace, and he doesn't seem to think this would be out of line with her. ....If she was questionable that way, wild horses couldn't drag it out of him.

I think some people might be taking the politically correct approach a bit too seriously. It sounds like your husband has a good rapport with this woman.

Ultimately, your husband knows this woman's personality and probably knows that he can slip a little 'good humor' dig to her. If your husband feels comfortable doing so, I'm sure she wouldn't be insulted by whatever subtle comment he tosses her way. The key is being subtle and making sure the comment can be amusing to either a swinger or vanilla person, and to make sure it's not a comment that she has to backup with fact.

There are some people in the world that do have a sense of humor. I'm sure your husband wouldn't have thought much on it if she was without one.

[NekkidHedonists]

Intuition - while I can't come up with a funny comment to say to this girl, I completely see what you're saying. I'd want to do the same thing in this situation, and don't think there's anything wrong. Most likely, this girl would think it's cool that she's in good company at work.

[intuition897]

Thanks Ves & Nekkid! Everybody's pickin' on me!
Just kidding. I know everyone has their own POV, but I agree that we can often get into the rigid habit of being politically correct (it's really difficult to get yourself in trouble that way! ). But we are of the same mind as you two; if it was a situation where you were trying to back her into a corner and pry a confession out of her, or make it look like she'd been 'labeled', then that's just wrong. We just remember back to our newbie days when, after we'd played on the weekend with a couple, we'd go to work and someone would smile and say "How was your weekend?"...well you know...your heart kinda skips a beat. You wonder, "Oh my God, can he/she tell that we got our brains screwed out last weekend?? Does it show? Are we that obvious???" When in fact, it was just your co-worker being polite and asking about your weekend. Now, not knowing what stage they'd be at if they even areswingers, we'll likely take it a small step further and simply introduce the word 'swinger' into everyday conversation. Then just sit back and wait for the response.

I don't think I explained this poll very well in the beginning. *sigh* Oh well, we'll just see what happens.