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Lied to and wondering if I should bother

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This isn't exactly a question concerning swinging, which I have never done, but it's something I felt could be addressed by the readers of this forum more appropriately than anywhere else.

 

CLIFF NOTES:

Girl had sex with friend (in open 'relationship')

Girl told me condoms were used after which I had sex with her again

I found out from friend condoms were not used

???

 

 

FULL VERSION (Long and incoherent read, sorry):

I started seeing this 20-year old girl recently (I am 25) who told me originally she had an open relationship with her boyfriend but that it mainly means that she cheats on him and she suspects he may have cheated on her, and that she believes they have an unspoken understanding. We started sleeping together and immediately she was lying to him when he called her while she was with me, making up details of where she was, what she was doing... but not mentioning anything about seeing me or that she was sleeping with anyone at all. I personally consider myself muddled somewhere between poly and swinging but have never really done either.. I am completely on board with the tenet of honesty that both lifestyles depend on to work, but not necessarily interested in commitment to exclusion in a relationship... to be honest I'm not sure exactly where I stand but do know that monogamy isn't for me (even though I'm not exactly just banging chicks left and right).

 

However, I was appalled at this girl's behavior towards her boyfriend and told her so and that I thought that the right thing to do was to be honest with him (which never happened). We talked about our past relationships and she admitted to me that she has pretty much just cheated on all her boyfriends, and that that's the way she generally likes to do things because she doesn't like being exclusive either but does like the security of having a boyfriend.

 

I explained to her how I am similar in that I don't like being exclusive, but I think one of the most important things in any relationship, or friendship even, is honesty. She seemed fascinated by the way I talked about how I'm not jealous and even for happy for a partner who gets off from sex with other people as well as me, and over time she expressed interest in being in an open relationship with me (having never really been honest with her boyfriend, who went to jail).

 

I told her I'm unwilling to date her because that would require me to trust her, and also a couple other personal lifestyle issues on her part that I could not tolerate in a partner (which she needs to deal with anyway). She countered that she would have no need to lie to me because I have no problem with her sleeping with other people anyways. I said I would think about it but first she have to start being honest with other people in addition to me (I believed she was being honest with me).

 

Fast forward a little bit more and we are still not 'dating' but are hanging out A LOT and she is telling me she is in love with me and I am starting to realize I love her as well and also growing to trust her. But of course trouble rears it's ugly head and things don't really work out like they should. My friend Rob who had gone through a recent break-up had expressed interest in her, and I had told both her and him separately that I wouldn't at all be bothered if they slept together. In fact I may have encouraged it because I knew he really was trying to get laid and really was attracted to this girl. Well about a week ago, after a nice sex session I had to go back to work, and Rob came over to hang out with her and smoke pot (since they are both into that though I am not), and she pretty much asked him for sex. I should have mentioned earlier that this girl is EXTREMELY high sex drive and can ONLY get off from vaginal penetration of some sort by another guy or girl other than herself... she is unable to masturbate and never has been, so when she gets horny, which she does, A LOT, it's almost like she has an uncontrollable desire to have a dick in her.

 

Well she told me when I got back from work that she had slept with Rob and seemed genuinely surprised that I didn't care, because she is so used to her boyfriends not being ok with it. She also told me that they had used a condom, which I was glad for because we had been going bareback and she had brought up with me that she wanted me to use a condom if I slept with anyone else and tell her about it immediately and that she would do the same. We had sex that night again.

 

A few days ago, I came to find out from rob that they did not actually use a condom during sex, and that she had lied to me about that, and then had sex with me afterwards. I wouldn't have even cared if she had told me the truth because I trust that Rob is clean, but I think the important thing was that she should have told me the truth and let me make that decision for myself.

 

The thing is, now I don't know if I can even trust anything this girl has said to me... if she lied to me about that, what else might she lie to me about? So I told her I had to stop seeing her and may not be having sex with her any more, and if I do will definitely be using a condom. She texted me saying she was crying uncontrollably and was more in love with me than she had ever been with anyone else and she feels SO bad about the situation and that I need to give her another chance because she's never met anyone like me who she feels like she can be so open.. but I don't know if I can trust her again.

 

Sorry for the off-topic ramble, but I was really wondering if anyone here had any advice on the subject, and if it is possible to rebuild trust in this kind of situation, with someone who has a history like hers.

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I told her I'm unwilling to date her because that would require me to trust her...

 

She is a young adult who is still acting like a kid. I think your above quote is all you need.

 

From what I've learned, a pattern of lying isn't easily changed...don't expect her (or anyone, for that matter) to change; move on. You seem competent enough to be successful without someone like her.

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Personally, I would RUN the other direction. The fact you are seeking out advice says something positive about your maturity. Why would you waste time with someone who does not value you enough to be honest with you?:confused: Especially since you have been going bareback with her--AND she has a boyfriend in jail. I'm not judging, but I think you may want to consider some of the possible health inclinations and/or drama that may ensue.

 

We have a motto in our house that we live by: DOUBT MEANS DON'T. You know deep down that her dishonesty is not good for you--trust your instincts! ;)

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Yeah, if you want trust, I don't think you will find it there. She seems inclined to lie, and that probably wont change in the near future if ever.

 

So, unless you want to accept that, move on.

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You've indicated that she has not been honest in her past relationship(s) so I can't see how that would change. Going into the relationship you obviously felt that she was untrustworthy so I can't see how that would change.

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The behavior you describe is often indicative of abuse. Abused children learn to lie reflexively as a defense mechanism, and the insatiable "sex drive" may well be more an insatiable need for reassurance, or a re-living of the abuse, but whatever the cause, your girl has big, big psychological problems and they are not going to go away. She should be in therapy, but that is no magic wand. You need to understand that whatever is behind this behavior, and no matter how much you care for her, if you stay with her, it's going to be trouble all the way. You decide.

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Thanks for the responses guys! And anyone who read that whole thing I'm sorry I put you through that.. Brief update: I've moved on, she's moved on, she is actually maybe about to start dating the friend I mentioned in the near-novel I wrote up there ^. I'm going to just remain friends with her (without benefits). Sorry to barge in here since I'm completely uninvolved with the swinging scene.

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Jesus... Drop her. Now. No one needs to deal with whatever issues she has. If she won't be honest with you about the simplest of things then there is no future with her.

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...this girl is EXTREMELY high sex drive and can ONLY get off from vaginal penetration of some sort by another guy or girl other than herself...

 

From the whole initial post, she seems the type to mentally get off by attempting to get away with something, kind of like the 'sex in public' thing. It's not the sex in public per se that's so exciting, it's the thought about possibly being caught that is so thrilling (a turn-on for my wife in fact).

 

The girl you described probably mentally masturbates by subconsciously knowing that she's deceiving someone by having sex with another and going against the condom pre-set rules.

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Nine times out of ten or more, I counsel forgiveness and acceptance of human imperfection. And, unlike many on the board, I'm more liberal on the parameters of trust, which to me is not binary, it's a spectrum. (I'm not calling for anyone to agree with me.)

 

So in many ways I don't agree with all that's been said above. But I do agree on the conclusion: run the other way.

 

Boy friend who went to jail? Unless you have friends in jail, don't hang with anyone who does.

 

Maybe I'm too middle class, too bourgeois, but boogie me, I saw way too many red flags. Run, run, run -- and have your friends counsel you on how you choose the people you might love.

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You are dating a drama filled teen (ok barely not a teen) who doesn't know how to be honest. If you choose to continue with you you have to expect her to lie to you, and you won't be able to trust her. Either accept that or move on. Perhaps you moving on will teach her a BIG lesson and she might grow up a bit.

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