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Thread: Not sure what she means? Is she cheating with him?

  1. #16

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    Quote Originally Posted by titanicmale
    I wrote a long update, but don't know what happened to it. Suffice it to say, she freaked when I suggested the four of us talk and things are status quo. All the different perspectives helped me to step back and see things from the outside. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Thanks to all I'm in a better place. She said I deserve better than her.
    CURIOUS? Any other advice?
    So have you had an opportunity to talk to the other couple at all?

  2. #17

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    Quote Originally Posted by titanicmale
    She said I deserve better than her.
    How magnanimous...

    I am sure she doesn't quite realize how very right she just may be.

    My advice - step away from, swinging; step away from this couple; get counseling to find out what her core issues are; and when you discover those things allow yourself to be hurt, move on and find better...

    Spoomonkey
    "Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." - C. S. Lewis

  3. #18

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    I asked her why can't the four of us sit down and talk. She said "no" and if I tried to contact them, she would "destroy" me. Thanks all for the advice. Spoo-witty and wise. I packed a bag and left.

  4. #19

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    Update: My dad gave me the advice to only say "things didn't work out". Don't say anything bad. I will follow that advice fom now on. I am seeing a couselor. He knows everything. I am feeling better every day.

    As to the thing I thought could destroy me, I came clean with everyone I needed to. Actually it worked out better than I could have imagined. What a burden lifted off my shoulders. Let the truth set you free!!!

    To those friends I hurt along the way, I can't say sorry enough. To those friends that helped along the way, including here, THANK YOU!!!!!

  5. #20

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    titanic, I am so sorry to hear of the split. I just came across this thread, and was reading up and thought I would share what happened to me and my husband.

    Spoo, I believe hit the nail on the head with the definition of her comments. Reading your post I thought that perhaps my husband was talking about our marraige as it used to be a few years ago. I went to him and asked him if it was him just to be sure. But I used those same lines nearly 5 years ago, when I had a "friend" that I also happened to be cheating with. When my husband sat down with me and told me that I was to stop communicating with this friend immediately (he suspected at the time but was not sure) I put up a damn good fight.

    Then my husband did the one thing I am truly grateful for. He packed a bag, set it by the door and said "Either you call tommorrow and get us in to see a counselor, or when I leave for work and take this bag with me, I won't be back. I love you, I love our children, I love our marraige, BUT I DESERVE BETTER." Next day, found a counselor, and over the next several months changed counselors in order to find the right one for us. We did and went to him for a year. We found the core root of our problem. For us it was I was self-destructive. I did not believe that I deserved to be happy.

    We fixed our marraige and are happier now than most we know. It took a lot of blood, sweat, work, searching for our deepest secrets and fears, and yes a whole lot of tears. But it was worth it. But I had to be willing to do the work. It doesn't sound as if your wife was willing to do the work. Yes, at the time I was willing to do the work for the sake of our children. Now I do the work for ME. Sometimes marraiges fail, because one or the other isn't willing to work for it. So in other words, chin up, and don't let it get you down. Whether you and your wife end up back together or divorced, I do not know, but things have a funny way of working out for the best.

    All my best wishes,
    MLK
    Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. - Marianne Wilson

  6. #21

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    This reply will have nothing to do with the relationship advice that was requested by the originator of this thread. I was simply curious what the result would be if I clicked the link "Find More Swingers Near titanicmale" since he contends he lives in the Abyss. It seems the Abyss is somewhere near Fort Lauderdale.

    M
    Seize the moment. . . Remember all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert. ~~ Erma Bombeck

  7. #22

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    MLK, you wrote
    "For us it was I was self-destructive. I did not believe that I deserved to be happy."

    When she said to me that "you deserve better than me", I told her "I deserved a better you". Unfortunately, this feel on a closed mind. I'm happy for you that you realized you deserve to be happy. I am not as sure as the others above that one day she will realize what she lost.

    By the way, the abyss is a cold, dark, highly pressurized place from which I am coming out of.

  8. #23

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. During the breakup, I thought the world would end and I was miserable. I then found wife #2 after 4 months of feeling sorry for myself and have been ecstatic every since. I was so busy watching the door that just closed on me that I was not seeing the one that opened for me. Best thing I can tell you is look forward, not back. If you have kids, take care of them best you can and start looking for a new mate, if you are worth you salt, there are plenty out there.

    I also canít begin to tell you the satisfaction I got when my son told me the ex had admitted to a friend that she had screwed up losing me. I look at her now and then my current wife and just smile.
    Life is only as good as you make it!

  9. #24

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    Update:It is always interesting to read how things are turning out, so I thought I would also. The wife of the other couple called me in a panic. She is worried sick with what's been going on. Can't sleep. Can't eat. She asked me what I knew. I told her that I had been threatened that if I talked with either her or her husband that I would be "destroyed" (innocents would be hurt). She begged me to tell her so I told her what I knew. She told them (her husband and my Ex) she talked to me and the threats were made good by my EX. Doing damage control, but glad I'm done with them all. Hindsight:Couples need to have a very strong love and respect for one another or swinging will help destroy the relationship.

  10. #25

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    Quote Originally Posted by titanicmale
    What do you think and what do the following really mean:
    1. "It's not that I don't love you."
    2. "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm in love with you."
    3. "He and I have a connection."
    4. She doesn't want to give up his "friendship".
    IMO, the proper question would be, what does this mean to someone (you, her).

    1, 3 and 4 are feelings I already had without disturbing my marriage... just because my wife already had the same feelings too, without disturbing our marriage.

    Those are ways to express the feelings, and to analyze the feelings, that you're likely to find out in a polyamorous/poly-friendly someone's mindset.

    What would worry me (someone with a poly-friendly mindset) is the 2nd statement, understaning it as "the love/tender feelings for you didn't change, the thrill and the atraction (currently) isn't the same".

    I think the problem comes not from your wife's and your feelings, but from the different ways you have to think of them, and the expectations about your relationship.

    It seem a mistake to start swinging without knowing each other expectations and mindsetting enough as to foresight this sort of problem could bring up, however, there's no reason to suspect there is some "evilness" nor a "selfinesh" involved from none of you two... You two are just more different than what you think.

  11. #26

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    Quote Originally Posted by titanicmale
    Update:It is always interesting to read how things are turning out, so I thought I would also. The wife of the other couple called me in a panic. She is worried sick with what's been going on. Can't sleep. Can't eat. She asked me what I knew. I told her that I had been threatened that if I talked with either her or her husband that I would be "destroyed" (innocents would be hurt). She begged me to tell her so I told her what I knew. She told them (her husband and my Ex) she talked to me and the threats were made good by my EX. Doing damage control, but glad I'm done with them all. Hindsight:Couples need to have a very strong love and respect for one another or swinging will help destroy the relationship.
    Hurting innocents to try to hurt you............You are much better off without her. Hang tuff, it does get better.
    Why is it we can pleasure ourselves but not tickle ourselves?

  12. #27

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    Everything happens for a reason.........your new partner is waiting somewhere and you will appreciate her even more with the experiences you've just made.

    Good luck to you and hold your head above the water!

  13. #28

    Default Re: what does it mean?

    Quote Originally Posted by titanicmale
    She begged me to tell her so I told her what I knew. She told them (her husband and my Ex) she talked to me and the threats were made good by my EX.
    My god man what kind of monster were you living with,you are way better off without that person in your life.

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