Young Couple Swinging Separately

[Monolith]

Hello ..... my name is Robert and I am a 19 year old married man who has decided along with his wife to have other partners. She has had two partners previously but I have had none...mostly because I am always working and I am pretty selective. The concept of sex with other partners is great, but I just don't want that to be all it is for. I actually want to get to know someone at least a little bit and connect with them on some level. That would make the experience so much better to me. Maybe that just doesn't go along with the lifestyle; any suggestions? Or anyone interested would be even better ....anyway thank you all for any input you might have.

Monolith

[sensalicious]

Welcome Monolith!

Robert, a hearty Hoosier Hello!

I noticed you posted this under personal ads. Thats fine; you may also wish to post under introductions, as well. There are lots of friendly folk to say hello.

In terms of finding people, this is more of a place to talk to others in various stages and involvements in the lifestyle. There is a whole host of information in the archives, as well, about things you may wonder about. I read a shitload, err A LOT!!, when I was deciding if this was something I wanted to participate in.

The concept of sex with other partners is great, but I just don't want that to be all it is for. I actually want to get to know someone at least a little bit and connect with them on some level. That would make the experience so much better to me.

Don't worry; there are many, many people who play who want the same thing. And many who don't. Its just one of the things you talk about with another couple. Sometimes, in their ad you will get a clue about whether they are looking for this, or not.

You may wish to give Swinglifestyle and swappernet a look for places to find people. Around here, they are two of the most often-reccomended sites.

Good luck in your search! We all deserve to find compatible people to play with.

Warm regards,

Dian

[Spoomonkey]

Monolith

I ditto Dian of Sensalicious...

What you are looking for is not out of step with the lifestyle. In fact, you sort of define the lifestyle as you go along. Sure - how you define it determines who may or may not want to play with you, but I've found that swinging is always an individual work in progress; and no one is ever painting exactly the same picture.

For us, we figure we just don't have time for close friendships with others that we'd like to have, so our "adventures" tend to be with couples that we know more casually. Our fingers are crossed that as our life settles down we can find more long-term friendships and form an intimate little circle of friends (that seems like the ideal set up). But - who knows how this will all play out. We are having a great time and as long as you and your wife are mature, communicative, sensitive to each other's needs, we have no doubt that you guys will as well.

Good luck

Mr & Mrs Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie]

Are you guys doing this together? As in swinging? Or have you decided to just have an open-marriage where you each go out and do what you want without regard to the other?

[Botcpl]

Robert, first let me say you have come to the right place for these types of questions and you are going to get a lot of good information and some of it might be for you, but I am worried about you.

.....I am a 19 year old married man....

I'm sorry, but you are a child. You can't even legally buy beer in most states! I know many peope who married young, even as young as 14 years old (legal in Texas), but none of them want their kids to marry so young.

...She has had two partners previously but I have had none...

So young and already the marriage needs "spicing up". Do you see why I am worried about you? I'm going to step back now and start reading between the lines. What I am about to say may not be you exactly, but I bet it will be close.

You've been married a short time, one or two years. Very unlikely your parents signed off for minors to marry, unless there is a baby involved. So your working your butt off because you don't have an education and can't get a good job. If you are lucky, you have graduated from high school, but that is not enough in todays work environment. Take it from a college drop out, it's tough out there. The degree may not make you a smart person, but it will open doors for you. I could not even apply for the job I have today because I didn't finish school. It can be done, but why walk around dragging a ball and chain around for the rest of your life?

So your wife stays home watching the baby because she doesn't have an education and you can't afford childcare. She's seventeen or eighteen and board taking care of the baby and guys are a welcomed diversion. The sad truth is when a woman is in heat, there are plenty of dogs around! I work in the inner city and a phrase we use a lot is, "...babies having babies..."

Now I might be wrong about the baby, but I am not wrong about the education.

You have your whole lives to spice up your marriage, but if you guys continue this way, there will be no marriage in a few years and that will be bad for the child. As far as an open marriage? There is much more to an open marriage than sex with others, it is about the personal growth of two individules who happen to be married.
You can have an open marriage and never have sex with anyone but your spouse!

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are in for a tough time under the best of circumstances. You guys need to take a deep and honest look at yourselves and decide where you want to go. One of you needs to go to school and then the other, but I wouldn't send her first, because she might leave you high and dry. You seem like a nice person, you want to like the person you sleep with, most of us do. But just because you want your marriage to work doesn't mean she cares to. The fact she has a couple of lovers already doesn't look good. And it might just be the best thing for you to split while you are still young enough to build your own lives. I don't know anyone who married before twenty-one who is still married. That doesn't mean you can't do it, just that the odds are not in your favor.

I'm sorry if I am hurting your feelings here, but I've seen so many young couples flush their lives down the toilet trying to grow up too fast, I feel compelled to say something.

I have two children about your age and maybe that is what is driving me here. I want them and you to have the best shot at happy and productive lifes.

Paul Botcpl

PS: sorry to take up so much bandwidth here.

[Monolith]

Botcpl, you are really way off on all acounts...I am sorry. I have a better relationship with my wife then most people I have ever seen, and I plan on being with her forever. I am also planning on being a restaurant manager by the end of this year. Its not something we feel we have to do to "spice up" anything, its just something TO do, and if it didn't happen, no big deal.. How do I know I won't die tommorow anyway? Age means nothing to me, and I don't drink anyway. I wish I could have a child, but we have not been able to yet. Do you know any 19 year old men that really wants a child? DO NOT assume me to be just like any other man, and her just to be like any other women...we are actually quite different.


Oh and Julie, we are doing this separate, but we always keep the lines of communication open...that is the most important thing. If either of us had a problem, the other would know. There is no disregard of the other involved.


Monolith

[Monolith]

First of all this is Monoliths wife now... (notice I said wife not his babies momma or his little bedroom slut.)

Originally posted by Botcpl
So young and already the marriage needs "spicing up". Do you see why I am worried about you?

No, WE are not doing this because our marriage needs spicing up, we do this because we can. I started this because I am such a loving person and its not in my nature to simply be with one person.

I'm going to step back now and start reading between the lines. What I am about to say may not be you exactly, but I bet it will be close

oh, this should be interesting... be my guest

You've been married a short time, one or two years. Very unlikely your parents signed off for minors to marry, unless there is a baby involved. So your working your butt off because you don't have an education and can't get a good job.

Wow, you love stereotyping people don’t you? There is no baby, I was told very young that it would be very hard for me to have children. (and its none of your business why.) You're correct about one thing, our parents didn’t sign for us to get married, in fact at first they tried to break us apart because they thought that we were to serious about each other. (obviously their minds were just as closed as yours is) they didn’t seem to understand (neither do you) that we aren’t like other teenagers. Monolith said that he is a man (even though he is 19) because he is more of a man than most people 10 years older than him.

If you are lucky, you have graduated from high school, but that is not enough in todays work environment. Take it from a college drop out, it's tough out there.

let me paint a picture of reality for you... because you seem to have a very very pessimistic view.
Monoliths senior year in school he was taking College Calc and psychology, Challenge English. He had taken Japanese and Cisco for two years. (for those of you who don’t know it is a computer networking class) He was in the national honor society. He graduated in the top 30 out of close to 400 students. Oh and me? I was also in his college psychology class, and when there were tests it was either him or me that had the highest score in all the psyc classes. I might not have taken all the honors home but I am not ignorant either. Not only did we graduate from high school... we did it living on our own, together and without the financial or any other kind or support from our families.

So your wife stays home watching the baby because she doesn't have an education and you can't afford childcare. She's seventeen or eighteen and board taking care of the baby and guys are a welcomed diversion. The sad truth is when a woman is in heat, there are plenty of dogs around! I work in the inner city and a phrase we use a lot is, "...babies having babies..."

hmm... you really have some nerve talking about me like I am some kind of animal in heat, some nerve presuming to know anything about us at all really.. let alone trying to describe our lifestyle. As I mentioned before there is no baby, and even if was one I would have absolutely no problem at all with staying at home and taking care of it. I know its kind of cheesy but ever since I was a little girl my dream wasn’t to go to college and make lots of money... It was to have the average middle class family, pretty traditional in the sense that I would take care of the children and he would go to work. You seem to think that money is the most important thing to people... in reality we are nothing like that... money and success are meaningless to us. The guys are not a diversion, they are not a hobby or a side project... and I am in no way bored or unhappy with my life. Wow... you work in the inner city! *feigns an awestruck look* big deal buddy I've lived in the inner city almost all my life...

but I am not wrong about the education.

yea, you really hit the nail on the head with everything you've said so far.

You have your whole lives to spice up your marriage, but if you guys continue this way, there will be no marriage in a few years and that will be bad for the child.

oh yea.. the nonexistent one that my life is centered around...

As far as an open marriage? There is much more to an open marriage than sex with others, it is about the personal growth of two individules who happen to be married.

You think that we don’t know this? Monolith is my best friend... my soul mate.. my high school sweet heart. It will work... not only because we are perfect in every single way for each other... and because we have the communication and honesty to make it work... but simply to prove all you nay-sayers wrong.
True love doesn’t wait for a person to be a certain age before it presents its self... true love can over come all obstacles.. and sorry if it seems like romantic silly ideal from a love sick teenager. I’ve seen love work in the most unlikely ways with the most unlikely of people... why? because their emotions are genuine and they don’t give up.

You guys need to take a deep and honest look at yourselves and decide where you want to go. One of you needs to go to school and then the other, but I wouldn't send her first, because she might leave you high and dry. You seem like a nice person, you want to like the person you sleep with, most of us do. But just because you want your marriage to work doesn't mean she cares to. The fact she has a couple of lovers already doesn't look good.

*takes a very deep breath*
out of all the things you have said so far... this paragraph affected me the most... you really might be the most presumptuous person I've ever been in contact with...Monolith and I lost our virginity to each other.. and I have Never in my life ever cheated on him or did anything behind his back. My experiences with other men were simply that, experiences. The fact that you come on a swingers board and denounce a woman for having other lovers, and expect that to be a good judge of character amuses me. I would do anything in my power to make Monolith and my marriage work... the funny thing is that you act as if it is already in trouble.

And it might just be the best thing for you to split while you are still young enough to build your own lives. I don't know anyone who married before twenty-one who is still married. That doesn't mean you can't do it, just that the odds are not in your favor.

Let me ask you an honest question. Why do you think that there are so many divorces now when people in general are waiting till an older age to get married as opposed to when couples got married early in their teens and divorce was almost unheard of?
sure it might have been because of the religion factor.. but I believe its because people in current society give up way too easily.. they don’t take the time to sit and work through things.. they just run off and get a divorce. Back then divorce was more taboo, so they tried harder to make things work.
creating a happy marriage is an art, but with all art... to make something beautiful takes effort.

, but I've seen so many young couples flush their lives down the toilet trying to grow up too fast, I feel compelled to say something.

its fine that you wanted to share your opinion, but I do think that you went about it in one of the worst ways possible.
Monolith and I aren’t trying to grow up too fast...
I simply HAD to grow up fast... I raised my sisters I raised myself.. and I think I did damn well.
soapbox
~luxuria

[EternallySingle]

If you were both single and wanted to try swinging as a committed couple, it would be one thing. However, you are a YOUNG married couple trying to swing...and swing seperately at that. My questions are:

1) Was it your idea to get married or hers?
2) Was it her idea or yours?

I ask these questions because it seems like either you are trying to gain more sexual experience by being with someone other than her, or she is looking to continue exploring her sexuality without you and is giving you permission to do the same. Either way, from someone who also started swinging at 19 and had it change his opinion of women in a bad way for several years, I would say hold off until you had a little more life experience.

If she is the only woman you've been with, sex is still new to you and it will be easy to get distracted by other people and worse, start comparing their home life to yours.

From someone who is more or less EternallySingle because of bad relationship choices early in life similar to the one you are considering, work on your marriage FIRST. Even if it is good now, every relationship needs work in the beginning, since that is when its easiest for the most dissatisfied person to leave. And something tells me thats not you.

[Monolith]

(wife again)
Marriage wasnt something that neither of us forced the other into... meaning that the decision was mutual.
The reason why we decided to allow other people into our sex lives was because we've seen too many relationships ripped apart my jealousy, cheating and lies...
my opinion was that there will be no cheating if sleeping with others is allowed... if I am attracted to someone, I tell monolith and we talk about it before hand... and we go into my having an experience with another man with the full knowledge that if my husband has a problem then he will talk to me about it and i will stop. We decided that instead of jumping into this with both feet we would test the waters some, thats why Ive had partners now its his turn... mono and I have been together for over 3 years now. (no not married that long but together)
im not doing this to explore or broaden my horizions.. I do it because its fun and its who I am.
and thank you for your post eternallysingle, even though you had a a different opinion than we you expressed it in a very noncombative way.
~luxuria

[EternallySingle]

Well, now that I heard Luxaria's side of the story, I don't think either of you are dissatisfied with the relationship (I wrote my post at the same time Luxaria wrote hers), but I still think you two should hold off another year or so before swinging with seperate partners, for the same reasons I stated before. If you've been together as long as you implied, swinging together may work for you. But even with experienced swingers, swinging seperately can raise serious problems if the primary relationship hasn't been tempered through various trials and obstacles unique to the marriage. Even if its a partner(s) that won't accept the fact that neither of you will leave the other, it can cause stress on your relationship and no matter how mature you are, there are somethings you only know how to handle after experiencing them three or four times.

[Xellos]

You know I find it funny how fucking stereotipical you are Botcpl. You have no idea, and yeah you seem to think that you(not knowing these people at all) can "help" them, .
My favorite part was the whole "What I am about to say may not be you exactly, but I bet it will be close." because of how far from what it is you are.
Oh wait no "but I am not wrong about the education." I find that a better line. Tell me where did you come up with all of this?
BTW, WTF is up with that Bandwidth note?

[yawanna]

This tedious path I've chosen here...Hello ..... my name is Robert and I am a 19 year old married man who has decided along with his wife to have other partners. She has had two partners previously but I have had none...mostly because I am always working and I am pretty selective. The concept of sex with other partners is great, but I just don't want that to be all it is for. I actually want to get to know someone at least a little bit and connect with them on some level. That would make the experience so much better to me. Maybe that just doesn't go along with the lifestyle; any suggestions? Or anyone interested would be even better ....anyway thank you all for any input you might have.

It read to me like Botcpl offered their opinion, which was part of your request.

It is also my opinion that 19 is very young to be venturing into what reads to me like the beginnings and some first steps toward an open marriage.

Open marriage is not the same as a swinging relationship. Sure, some swingers like some level of friendship as part of their extracurricular sexual activities, mostly with other couples on a friendship level, as couples. Some don't. It all depends upon the couple and what they find they are comfortable with and what can further, not hinder, their primary relationship with each other.

It has been my observation that generally, when one half of a couple meet one other person on their own for sex, encouraging or eliciting an emotional involvement that is separate from the primary relationship, is asking for trouble down the line.

Now perhaps this has not posed a problem for you two and you see no reason right now that it would ever pose a problem. However, you two have come onto this board asking for input to your personal relationship relating to your exploring sexual activities with other persons.

And that is what you asked for and have been given.....input and sharing from others as to what they think or feel or discern from what you post here.

[Monolith]

I didn't ask for someone to tell me my life story when they don't even know me. Also, opinions usually are more constructive than "you were probably lucky if you even graduated high school." I did not ask for someone to make assumtions about our lifestyle. Anyone can have problems in the swinging lifestyle. Our ages should not make a difference, but our maturity level should. We know what we are getting into, I just wanted advice on how to do it. I would assume you all would be open-minded and mature enough to understand that if you are in the swinging lifestyle yourselves. I do want to thank you and EternallySingle for having more intelligent posts that we not flat out attacking us though .

Monolith

[BradAndJanet]

Monolith, my impression is that you're both intelligent people and have thought a great deal about this. I think you'll be fine.

Robert, to your original question:

If making an other than sexual connection with people you swing with is important to you, then that's what you should look for. Don't worry that it doesn't 'go along with the lifestyle' ; there really aren't any strict rules. As you say, it would make the experience better for you and presumably for everyone involved.

Obviously, this is something you both should discuss with each other. But I think you knew that...

-B

[Botcpl]

Really, I'm glad I'm wrong about you, but I'm not completly wrong. You didn't say anything about being in school now, only that the male half wants to be a manager in a restaurant. Not much use for calculus there.

As for money, I've been rich, I've been poor and I've been middle class; middle class is best. It is very hard to keep things together if you are worried about the rent or worried about being able to see a doctor when you need to. And it is very tough to be looking for work when everyone has better qualifications because they finnished college. That doesn't mean they will be better at the job, but they are more likely to do a better job. For one reason, they were able to finnish. Employers like people who can finnish this and if you don't have that, yet.

If you had said you were going to a hotel management school because you want to manage your own place some day, I'd say great, your on the right track.

The sad fact is, of all the marriages performed in the US today, only 1/2 will last. Don't believe me, check the stats yourself. I personally don't know anyone who married before twenty-one who is still married to their first spouse. That doesn't mean there aren't any, just that they are the minority.

I really wish you good luck, I don't want people to be unhappy, I want everyone to have a shot at the American Dream. The sign of adulthood is not age, but the ability t take responsibility for your words and actions. The actions you take today, you will live with for the rest of your lives.

Good Luck