Husband Suggested Open Marriage

[rms3p0]

K, here goes. I will be married 2 years in September. My husband has been talking about having an "open marriage." He has a female picked out that he wants to bring home, for us. But also be free to explore our own needs, individually. I have to admit, I am a little intrigued. And I guess I'm realistic in knowing that passion and lust for others will always be there, so why not know what is going on then be cheated and lied to. I'm a little scared, but i think it will make me a more secure person to know that this is what we are doing. He has confessed his love, wants to be married and come home to me everynight, but needs more...... Do I sound crazy? I have more to say, but I don't wanna ramble. I am down to try new things. I don't know if I will feel the same way when it actually happens, but i don't think it would hurt to try.
Any advice for someone just starting?

[windsor4fun2]

Originally posted by rms3p0
Any advice for someone just starting?

First off , take things slow. Next spend some time, maybe a lot of time talking between yourselves to determine what you both want and what rules you will have. Also spend time here reading the various threads to get more info. Do not rush into anything and whatever you do, only do what you are comfortable with.

Good luck and enjoy your journey.

Jesse

[rms3p0]

Thank you for your comments. I have learned so much going through the coversations on this website. It has been very helpful. It has answered a lot of questions I have. Though, I have some in my head that I don't think can be, answered. Does that make sense? I guess they will be when the time is right.
Thanks again~

[naughty A]

Originally posted by rms3p0
He has a female picked out that he wants to bring home, for us.

this statement sends up a few warning bells for me...

he wants a threesome with you and her or he wants a poly relationship or... he just wants to start seeing other people and leave you free to pursue your own interests...

I guess I'm confused by your/his definition of open marriage but it is more important that YOU are not.

Advice: yes take it slow and communicate at every step

hey and it is supposed to be fun...

[rms3p0]

Thanks for your interest. You probably aren't as confused as I am. He wants my persmission to go and bump anything he wants to. He is trying to imply that it won't be all the time, just when he see's something exceptional. As he quoted, "I just don't want to order the same thing off the menu over and over again." My suggestion was to take it slow, and involve me. The idea of bringing someone into our bedroom is kind of entertaining. So I suggested we start there, and work our way into bigger endevours, that I would probably be able handling sharing him with others. Unfortunately, he has made enough comments to make me think he's not willing to wait. "What difference does it make if I do or don't?" is his response. So I talk about taking my feelings into concideration, blah, blah, and we end up agreeing to disagree. He keeps telling me that I should find someone to have fun with. That if I do, I can call him (my husband), and tell him to leave the house for awhile so I can have some company.

I'm interested in new adventures, but doesn't it sound like he's asking for something more??? He keeps reassuring me that he loves me with all his heart, but isn't he sending mixed messages. Any advice and insight is appreciated.

[saranmark]

Can I just ask a question?

What would happen if you told him that this is NOT something that you wish to participate in- or have HIM participate in?

It sounds as though he is not giving you a choice here. Am I wrong?

SARA

[Yummi]

I agree with Naughty A & Sara on this one...

I hope you don't take this the wrong way - but it sounds to me like he wants to screw around & in giving YOU permission to screw around, it makes him feel justified. If my man told me he wanted to have an 'open marriage' & he already had a woman picked out that he wanted to have sex with...geeeeez. That's not the best way to approach the swinging subject in my opinion.

Good luck to you, just be absolutely sure of your feelings & his feelings for you before you agree to try anything new!

[wrnakedru]

I recognize that everyone's view of "swinging" may vary, and also the degree or method in which they participate in "lifestyle" activities.

Even so, it just seems to me that what you have described is actually more properly termed "dating". Except that dating for singles can mean there is some "future" to it. I assume the "dates" each of you might have would be informed of your married status.

I believe that successful lifestyle ventures begin as discussions of desired shared experiences as an enhancement of an existing, established, excellent and adventurous sex life.

It sounds like there is open communication between the two of you, since he openly stated his desires. No one else can determine for you whether or not this type arrangement will be successful and not harmful to your marriage.

[windsor4fun2]

After reading your second post and rereading your first, I also have concerns about your husbands intentions.

Unfortunately, he has made enough comments to make me think he's not willing to wait.

This sounds like he has decided what he wants to do and is not giving you a choice and does not care about your feelings. That is a major warning flag to me.

He keeps telling me that I should find someone to have fun with.

This is just his attempt to justify his actions.

just don't want to order the same thing off the menu over and over again

This I find a little insulting. Swinging should be about enhancing your relationship, not relieving boredom.

YOU need to decide what is best for you. Once you have done this talk to your husband. You both need to be agreement about swinging and what form it takes. If not it will destroy your relationship.

Jesse

[naughty A]

Originally posted by rms3p0

I'm interested in new adventures, but doesn't it sound like he's asking for something more??? He keeps reassuring me that he loves me with all his heart, but isn't he sending mixed messages. Any advice and insight is appreciated.

MIXED MESSAGES!!! that's an understatement...

wow.

well what he wants doesn't sound like swinging to me... but everyone has a different take on the situation...

it sounds more like ... he wants to go out and party... date a different girl whenever he wants but still keep you around for same old same old.... and hey... if he's busy that night... feel free to get yourself a date...

I am really really sorry -

I'd be really questioning a lot of things... including whether this was a guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with?

Swinging is for us a LOT about sharing the experience with each other...

He really seems to be disregarding your feelings... "agree to disagree" on something like THIS? I don't know...

lots of red flags...

I hope someone can offer you better advice.... HELP?

but you know... I'd be a little tempted to go out to the bars everynight... especially if I knew he couldn't go because he was at work... lot easier for a girl to get laid than a guy...?

[JustAskJulie]

Honestly, it sounds like he wants permission to cheat. THere's a big difference between that and both of you agreeing to swing.

Even in swinging some people prefer to play seperately and allow their partners to play without them there, but it all has to be agreed on and both partners have to be happy.

It sounds to me like he doesn't really care about what you want and just wants to do his own thing.

[Additude]

I agree with everyone else.

This just doesn't sound right. It almost sounds as if he has already cheated on you and is finding a way to make it right and do it some more.

[rms3p0]

You are all right. I actually just got off the phone with him (he is in Germany), and he again is adamate about what he wants. He also confessed that the person he has "picked out", he is already sleeping with. He is "being honest" to protect me, so that I have a choice. I am leaving the end of August to go be with him in Germany (for three years) and he has made it clear that if I can't handle this lifestyle, then I shouldn't bother coming over. He continues to reassure me that he loves me, wants me to be ok with this so we can be married and live together forever, and that I need to accept this. My heart and my head are not agreeing right now. And, I'm sure that this is probably one of the most crazy things you've all heard of. Am I wrong for trying to go along? I know this isn't exactly a swingers topic, but you all have experience sharing the person you love in the most intimate way.
Thanks again for all your replies.

[Alura]

Well, RMS, I think I'd fight fire with fire. flamethrow Most of the men who insist on their wives agreeing to an "open relationship" find themselves at the rec center playing pool with other guys, unable to get a date, while the wife is out having a ball several nights a week, if she wishes to be. It will become much harder for him to find a single woman to date if she knows his wife is in town. It will be no trouble for you, especially if, as I suspect, you're going to be on a military base. As an American woman, you'll get hit on more than you can imagine. Do you mind telling us where you're going in Germany?

It's a beautiful country! Most of the bases are in southern Germany, lots of forests, mountains and lots of exciting things to do. Paris, Switzerland, Amsterdam, and several other fun cities are only hours away. I know the country fairly well and can give you better advice if I know where you'll be. Buy a red sports car, an Alfa-Romeo, Audi, or BMW. If you can't afford one, date guys who drive them, and borrow their cars to go shopping.

Say "Yes" to that offer for a weekend in Paris.

If your husband is an enlisted man or non-com, date officers. If he's an officer, date men who out rank him.

Do you want a never-ending list of guys wanting to date you? Get a job tending bar in an Officers' Club or working for the folks who sell Harley-Davidsons to American soldiers.

So pick up that chin, drop a few pounds if you need to, get a new hair style and makeover, and walk off the plane looking like one hot chick. Mrs. Alura suggests you save some money to shop for clothes in the German stores. The clothes are sexier and you won't stand out as an American except when you're on base.

After this goes on for awhile, he'll be coming around suggesting that y'all give up the "open marriage" idea. You can then suggest that y'all can try swinging instead, but don't cave in right away!

If he falls in love and decides he wants a divorce, you'll be the winner! You'll have gotten rid of him earlier. Mrs. Alura just added that if you've never been to Europe, you'll have gotten a free trip. How much fun that trip is depends on you.

Mr. Alura

[rms3p0]

oh, you were reading my mind!!!! As horrible as this sounds, I'm going to Europe (for free). As it is, i'm 5'5 126 lbs (at the moment). I'm not eating much these days. I have long reddish brown hair, kinda kinky with the freshly fucked looked. Not to sound vain, but i'm not bad to look at. I have some nice features.
I figure I'll at least go and see the country. He is stationed in Mannheim. And no, I've never been. And, i'm wagering on exactly what you said. I think the first time he sees me with another guy, he's gonna flip. He doesn't even want me talking in chat rooms (though he's there all the time). I figure, I'll go along for the ride, make it the best for myself. If I can't handle the sharing part, I can resort back to "roommate" status, and stick it out. Is this being deceptive? Or just going into survival mode? Thanks Mr. and Mrs. You made me smile