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Hopefully I can get some help here. I am the Male of a couple. We have been to a couple of clubs as a couple, and it is not for her. She tells me if I want to, go alone. I am not sure if she really means that. I really want to play, but do not want to hurt her. Do I just go and not tell her?

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If you want to stay married, I'd suggest you make damned sure she meant it. Once you pass that hurdle, you'll find it very difficult to find swingers who will be interested in you.

 

Read some of the many threads on this subject on this board. They will be enlightening.

 

Alura

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Many (most) couples will not play with a married male as a single, especially if the wife is not aware of the activity. Yes she sort of gave you permission but you need to communicate to your wife about your activities.

 

And if you do actually get her permission you need to make sure you let any prospective playmates know that you are married.

 

Swinging is about honesty and communication.

 

Now that I'm off the soapbox :) would your wife consider going to the club for the social aspects and not play while you do. That keeps things out in the open.

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. . . I really want to play, but do not want to hurt her. Do I just go and not tell her?
How much do you value your relationship with your wife? Are there, for example, other frustrations or significant problems?

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Now that I'm off the soapbox :) would your wife consider going to the club for the social aspects and not play while you do. That keeps things out in the open.

 

I love this idea!

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I am a married male who has gone to our favorite club alone on a couple of occasions. Maybe our situation is different because she is as "into" the lifestyle as much as I am, and we typically frequent this club together and have many friends there.

 

Regardless, I still felt "guilty" about going even though my wife practically pushed me out the door. So, before you go, be sure of two things -- make DAMN sure she is truly OK with it, and second, make sure YOU are OK with it. I'm not sure I'll ever go alone again, to be honest. Just doesn't feel right for me. It might work for the two of you, and if so, that's great.

 

I would agree with the previous post that you will have a difficult time finding people willing to play with a married male who is flying solo. Right or wrong, there will likely be an almost immediate suspicion from those who do not know you - a suspicion that you may simply be a man who is stepping out for something "on the side." Of course, there may be exceptions, but that seems to be my impression of the perception of others.

 

I was able to get playtime as a third with a couple that we already knew and were friends with. My guess is that will likely be your best chance for "quality time" -- those who already know the two of you and know the situation.

 

Perhaps if your wife is truly willing to let this happen, she may be willing to meet with some of your potential playmates outside the club just so your new friends know what's going on.

 

It will also be vital that you be reassuring to your wife every step of the way -- talk to her before, during, and after you go out. Keep her in the loop, communicate with her a couple of times through the night. Find out if she wants you to call her before playing or would prefer not to know that it's about to happen. Remember, even if she's not going, she's still involved in this -- she's your life partner, after all. She still needs to have her say.

 

Good luck!

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Hopefully I can get some help here. I am the Male of a couple. We have been to a couple of clubs as a couple, and it is not for her. She tells me if I want to, go alone. I am not sure if she really means that. I really want to play, but do not want to hurt her. Do I just go and not tell her?

 

Without knowing a lot more about your relationship and your specific situation it's really hard to know what is going on. Based on this extremely limited amount of information I'd put my money on this being her passive aggressive way of testing you. She begrudgingly gives you 'permission', but it's more of a test to see if you'll follow through with it. If you go and she knows I would expect a lot of arguments and fights at home. Maybe not on this subject specifically, but it will be caused by it.

 

I'd encourage you to provide a lot more information about your relationship and how you got to this point:

 

- How is your sex life with your wife?

- Why did you decide to try swinging?

- Did you do anything more than just go to the club?

- How long have you been together?

- What do you and your wife do aside from sex and trying swinging? Hobbies, activities?

- How is your communication with your wife? If you went to her to discuss you swinging alone how would she react in general? How did she react when you brought up swinging?

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She tells me if I want to, go alone.

 

You can take her statement many ways.

 

1. Sure, I am alright with it, really!

2. I don't care what you do because I have pretty much had it with you.

3. She is going along to get along. That will not last forever and it will bite you in the butt.

 

If you want to keep your wife I would sign off the swingers web sites and forget about swinging. She has not interest.

 

You have to decide what is more important to you in the long run. Keeping your wife or getting a bit of strange once in a while.

 

Your call!

 

Also interested in why you registered here as a "single male". Your not.

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If a couple is to swing, they need to do it together.

 

Ask her if she'd like to go to Sturgis on the bike and stay in the campground for swingers. If she say's "yes!," make sure any play on the trip is initiated by her. If she says, "No!" give up the idea of swinging completely. It's not worth the damage it will do to your marriage.

 

Alura

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It is so interesting to hear all these opinions about a married guy who wants to play alone, with his wife's permission. If this situation were reversed, no one would think twice about it. In fact, there's are two words (hotwifing and cuckholding) invented to describe this practice, because it is so "common." But when the situation is reversed, people worry about how the wife really feels about it, and advise caution.

 

Why the double-standard? Why is it perfectly acceptable for a wife to play alone, but a husband is expected to either play with his wife or not at all?

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It is so interesting to hear all these opinions about a married guy who wants to play alone, with his wife's permission. If this situation were reversed, no one would think twice about it.

 

Can you cite an example where one of the above posters has said as much in a thread where the situation was reversed? That would be an interesting read.

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There is no "double standard" in this case, funat40. The original poster himself was unsure if his wife was really okay with his playing alone. Most folks made the point that he'd better be sure.

 

Others made the valid point that even if his wife is alright with his playing alone, he'll have a tough time finding playmates who will take a chance with him.

 

Alura

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If she's not a partner in swinging, than as a married man, you're nothing but a cheater. If it's not for her then its not for you as long as you're married to her.

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Why the double-standard? Why is it perfectly acceptable for a wife to play alone, but a husband is expected to either play with his wife or not at all?

 

Read though my posts from over the years here. You will NEVER see my presenting a double standard. I have brought this up here many times.

 

Will many set aside their standards to get with another women, yes. Is it right? Not in my opinion. Many here will ignore the fact a women is married to get with her, mainly if she is BI. I don't agree but your right, many will play the double standard game if it suits them at the time.

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It is so interesting to hear all these opinions about a married guy who wants to play alone, with his wife's permission. If this situation were reversed, no one would think twice about it. In fact, there's are two words (hotwifing and cuckholding) invented to describe this practice, because it is so "common." But when the situation is reversed, people worry about how the wife really feels about it, and advise caution.

 

Why the double-standard? Why is it perfectly acceptable for a wife to play alone, but a husband is expected to either play with his wife or not at all?

 

My opinions with no statistical data to support it is that there are many men playing in swinging without their wife's knowledge or approval. And given that there seems to be more single guys in the lifestyle than women, the odds are that some of them are cheating.

 

Though we are not into singles, we would not consider playing with anyone that is doing so without the permission of their significant other.

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Do I just go and not tell her?

 

You may try to call this "playing alone" but she will call it cheating and adultry and everyone including the divorce court will agree with her.

 

She will rightly consider it cheating if you even TRY to swing without her knowledge and approval but the real kicker is you will not succeed in actually playing because most swingers HATE cheating males and won't touch them with a ten foot pole.

 

So you will end up divorced for something that you never really succeeded in in the first place.

 

You may want to look into the root cause of your dissatisfaction in your marriage in the first place and address that in a constructive manner instead of this.

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..glide, what would be easier : hitting yourself in the head with a hammer repeatedly or shelling out $200. ? The first choice is akin to you trying to hook up in the lifestyle as a 'married male with a hall pass' : the second, my recommendation, is just go hire a girl for the night. You'll get treated better, NSA, and if you're as lucky as Elliott Spitzer you may even get a talk show out of it. :lol:

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You may try to call this "playing alone" but she will call it cheating and adultry and everyone including the divorce court will agree with her.

 

Whether this matters or not depends on where you live. Often times cheating is a reason to file for divorce, but has no bearing on anything other than that. There is often no impact on custody, alimony or child support. From a legal perspective anyway.

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To my mind the swinging lifestyle is about married people. There are singles involved, and I don't disrespect them.

 

But if you said "Honey, can we..." and she said "not so much."

 

That's your answer. Just because you WANT to do something really badly doesn't mean you HAVE to do something really badly. We're capable of controlling our emotions if we choose to.

 

In my opinion you need to choose to respect your wife and control your desires... or get a divorce.

 

Your wife cannot tell you no. She is smart enough to know that it is a decision that you need to make on your own (and I would bet my last dollar she wants you to decide to not do it) because if she makes it for you there will be resentment and she doesn't want that. The only answer she CAN give you is "sure honey, if you really want to do it than do it."

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Hopefully I can get some help here. I am the Male of a couple. We have been to a couple of clubs as a couple, and it is not for her. She tells me if I want to, go alone. I am not sure if she really means that. I really want to play, but do not want to hurt her. Do I just go and not tell her?

 

I don't think there's a person on this board who will tell you it's a good idea to go swinging and not tell your wife. Why would you lie to your wife like that????

 

If you're not sure she really means what she says, then TALK to her. Over and over again if necessary. If you're not comfortable talking with your wife about such issues, you have no business swinging.

 

My wife and I will NOT play with a married single male unless we have specific permission from his wife IN PERSON. We spend a lot of time looking at profiles of single males in our region. About 5-10% of them are not single at all, and are cheating on their wives. That's the ones we can detect. The number that we can't detect is probably at least equal to that (wild guess). So, 10-20% are cheating on their wives. We've turned down many 'single' males who refused our suggestion of meeting his wife in person. We will always do so. So, if you're going to play, be prepared that a number of couples are going to ask to have permission from your wife.

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..glide, what would be easier : hitting yourself in the head with a hammer repeatedly or shelling out $200. ? The first choice is akin to you trying to hook up in the lifestyle as a 'married male with a hall pass' : the second, my recommendation, is just go hire a girl for the night. You'll get treated better, NSA, and if you're as lucky as Elliott Spitzer you may even get a talk show out of it. :lol:

 

Very Funny !:)

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It is so interesting to hear all these opinions about a married guy who wants to play alone, with his wife's permission. If this situation were reversed, no one would think twice about it. In fact, there's are two words (hotwifing and cuckholding) invented to describe this practice, because it is so "common." But when the situation is reversed, people worry about how the wife really feels about it, and advise caution.

 

Why the double-standard? Why is it perfectly acceptable for a wife to play alone, but a husband is expected to either play with his wife or not at all?

 

There certainly is a double standard in the lifestyle, implied or otherwise. Just because it wasn't mentioned earlier in the thread doesn't mean these things don't exist. Hotwifing, cuckholding, women having sex with different men in one session who in turn get bent outta shape when their man wants the same thing.

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