Open Marriages (Bliss or Disaster)

[Lovers6770]

I would like to hear peoples ideas/comments/experiences on the subject of "married" (unmarried, but LTR committed counts) couples that "decide" (no cheating spouses here) to have/try the "open marriage" concept. This should include ALL types of sexual preferences and combinations be it 1on1, 3some, group/orgy, gangbang, same sex, mixed sexes, etc. Don't count "cyber/penpal" only direct encounters.

I define an "open marriage" as when:

one or both "spouses" are "free" to have "casual" (not considering "poly" relationships here - future thread) sexual interactions (not just sex & includes fetish encounters) with partners they:

individually choose (i.e. not mutually chosen) OR

choose jointly, but decide individually when. (I don't count "occassional" times when one "spouse" decides to "opt-out" of playing but "let's" their spouse still play. Key word here is "occassionally".

Suggestions of areas to include in your posts are:

Break this out into vouyer and non-vouyer non-playing "spouses" as a youyer spouse has "some vested interest in the activities.

Please make a distinction between playing "solo" and "mutual separate nights out" be it concurrent or alternate days (i.e. couples with children where one watches with the kids or without but doesn't play the same day).

I would also like to make a distinction between

"swinging" couples that "occassionally" play either in separate rooms with unrelated partners or have a "yearly" solo sexual excounters AND

couples that make a regular occurance (over an extented period of time) in addition to sex just the two of them. Don't count a "yearly week long fling" i.e. (couples that have an annual sexual vacation apart at hedo for example).

Please make a distinction between couples that have one or both spouses that are "professionals" (i.e. sexual interactions are part of their livelyhood (i.e. strippers/porn/prosititues) and non-pros (all others).

Sincerely,
Paul & Kalin

[Roxysbayou]

Hmmmm...I don't know. I don't mind hubby meeting/sleeping with somebody if he is say away from home for a while. As long as he tells me about it and there is no emotional/love connection. But that would be the only time. Other than that we strictly play together. Maybe that is a little crazy, I don't know.

[oleretired1]

i also don't have a problem if hubby has an occasional get together without me, as long as it is something we have discussed first and of course he tells me all about it later. For the most part, we also only play together and that gives us the most enjoyment and satisfaction.

R of D&R

[Flori_DAMAN]

I won't vote cuz i'm single. Having been attached most of my adult life though and having met lots of couples with open relationship here is what I think.

Most don't work out. The reason is that most people really don't have enough security in themselves to feel comfortable about it. I have seen quite a few couples go that way and end up splitting up. Now on the other hand some couples do great with it. If I got the gist of your inquiry I believe you are wondering if you think it is a good idea or not.

Absolutely if you are really capable of handling it. In a perfect world I guess we should all be able to handle it but most of us just don't have that much security that it wouldn't be threatening to watch your spouse go off with some good looking sex bomb for the evening. What if she/he wants to do it again tomorrow and then the next day too? There are lots of variables there that I personally could not deal with.

Just swinging is a huge leap above what 99.9% of couples in general can take. Open relationships are a step beyond that concerning total trust and testing insecurities.

I wouldn't recommend it unless both parties absolutely are gung ho for the idea. IF one has to talk the other into it then it is bout doomed to fail i would think. Lots of couples have been convinced by there SO, especially the male to swing, but when you are both together and observing what your partner is doing and picking up on possible emotional attachments at least you have awareness. The step inbetween swinging and open relationships woud be seperate room swinging. Many couples prefer it and many just can't do it.

John.

[JustAskJulie]

I think there's a big difference between occasionally getting together with someone that you both know and approve of and each of you going off on your own and having sex with whomever you please (basically acting as if you are single).

I think the latter will eventually lead to problems.

[Lovers6770]

Its good to see people have interest in topics like this. I find it really gets the "grey matter" working. LOL. To answer anybodies curiousity about if the question is a round about one or not. The answer is no it isn't.

While my personal opinion is still up for grabs about the true "health" of this kind of activity. Kalin & I already know that this is not a likely state for us to gravitate torwards since we both enjoy too much, the opportunity to watch each other in action. We have talked about the subject in determining where the "limits" should be for us and figured out that while I think I could deal with it in her she could likely not with me.

We have met three couples that do/did have an open marriage. Last we checked one was still doing so successfuly, another stopped abuptly just short of a breakup a couple months after we met them and the third is a rather interesting case study in and of itself.

The first are happily married and both have very open minds and free-sprinted egos with lots of sex drive. Each knows what they want in life and are will to allow each other the freedom to explore and express themselves as they desire. They each continue to remain commited to each other and love & care for one another and have a great sex life together and separately. i.e. the model "open marriage" couple.

The second couple got into it, it seems, to "fix" a problem in their marriage. He initiated the idea to satisfy his need for additional sexual encounters and she agreed as long as she had the same "rights". Seems she was having more fun than he was due to substancially greater opportunities then he had. And there in lies what I supect to be the fundamental problem with this scenario for most couples. Unequal access/opportunities. If this could remain in balance then I suspect that it could work out more frequently for couples that try it.

The third are a husband and wife that are remaining married in the techniqical sense and living under the same roof for the sake of their two small children which they both love and addour, but for all intenssive purposes they are each living separate lives. So in essense their relationship doesn't really constitute an "open marriage" since they are "uncommitted" to the relationship per se.

What have you seen or experienced? Curious minds want to know?

Sincerely,
Paul & Kalin

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by Lovers6770
Its good to see people have interest in topics like this. I find it really gets the "grey matter" working. LOL. To answer anybodies curiousity about if the question is a round about one or not. The answer is no it isn't.

While my personal opinion is still up for grabs about the true "health" of this kind of activity. Kalin & I already know that this is not a likely state for us to gravitate torwards since we both enjoy too much, the opportunity to watch each other in action. We have talked about the subject in determining where the "limits" should be for us and figured out that while I think I could deal with it in her she could likely not with me.

We have met three couples that do/did have an open marriage. Last we checked one was still doing so successfuly, another stopped abuptly just short of a breakup a couple months after we met them and the third is a rather interesting case study in and of itself.

The first are happily married and both have very open minds and free-sprinted egos with lots of sex drive. Each knows what they want in life and are will to allow each other the freedom to explore and express themselves as they desire. They each continue to remain commited to each other and love & care for one another and have a great sex life together and separately. i.e. the model "open marriage" couple.

The second couple got into it, it seems, to "fix" a problem in their marriage. He initiated the idea to satisfy his need for additional sexual encounters and she agreed as long as she had the same "rights". Seems she was having more fun than he was due to substancially greater opportunities then he had. And there in lies what I supect to be the fundamental problem with this scenario for most couples. Unequal access/opportunities. If this could remain in balance then I suspect that it could work out more frequently for couples that try it.

The third are a husband and wife that are remaining married in the techniqical sense and living under the same roof for the sake of their two small children which they both love and addour, but for all intenssive purposes they are each living separate lives. So in essense their relationship doesn't really constitute an "open marriage" since they are "uncommitted" to the relationship per se.

What have you seen or experienced? Curious minds want to know?

Sincerely,
Paul & Kalin

Great post. You really hit the head on the three most likely scenarios.

You are right. Lots of grey matter better be involved beforehand.

The last scenario sounds like they were doomed to begin with. If you have a bad experience swinging, or in anything you really need to have the communication skills to work it out. I cannot see how healthy it can be for the family unit to exist like that.

John (the "counseler" that is still figuring out why he is single again). Maybe cuz I moved 1500 miles away? NAH. OH shut up John.

Im kidding. Our breakup had nothing to do with swinging at all.

But this is great food for thought for those considering how to set boundries.

[Alura]

Speaking only for ourselves, there are far too many aspects of our life already that keep us away from each other. We would not be willing to invest the time required to meet other people individually. We'll continue to channel our sex lives into each other and other couples we play with together, when the opportunity presents itself.

Alura

[OhioCouple]

This would spell disaster for us. Having been a woman that was cheated on (by my ex) and being one that another was cheating with (which I did not know about), I am left with a very bitter taste in my mouth about any sexual activity that doesn't involve the other party.

It most definitely would not be acceptable in this household.

[Botcpl]

I believe most of you are looking at only one small peice of what an open marriage is. If you read the book "Open Marriage" (I found it in the library, it did sell over 15 million copies!) that people can have open marriages and be monogamus (i'm sure I'm spelling it wrong). An open marriage is where two individuals form a partnership (marriage) yet remain individuals.

The open marriages that I've seen break up happened when the two partners started hiding and lieing to each other, ie. no longer an open marriage.

P

[curious24]

Originally posted by Lovers6770
The second couple got into it, it seems, to "fix" a problem in their marriage. He initiated the idea to satisfy his need for additional sexual encounters and she agreed as long as she had the same "rights". Seems she was having more fun than he was due to substancially greater opportunities then he had. And there in lies what I supect to be the fundamental problem with this scenario for most couples. Unequal access/opportunities. If this could remain in balance then I suspect that it could work out more frequently for couples that try it.

guys just get screwed all the way around don't they? lol

[ArcaneReference]

We've been very open to encounters since we got together, however our rules are that this is discussed beforehand, and up until recently the other party was always involved - at least in the same house, if not the same room or bed.

Mr. AR went on a vacation with his buddies, met some woman, lied about being married, played the tropical single guy, and then lied to me about it (until I got an e-mail from her going on about how fantastic it was) - then I was pissed!

Open is "open", i.e. open for discussion and action, not behind the back. The damage done by his cheating has taken a long time to repair.

Face it, a fuck is a fuck, but his lying to me and hiding it from me turned it into cheating, and the lying about being single while he was on this vacation, I felt, disrespected me and everything to dowith our marriage and was very, very hurtful. We are now re-exploring the boundaries of our relationship and working on re-establishing the trust that was battered.

So, the long and short of it is, I am for an open relationship as long as it is truly "open" - no lies, no bullshit.

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by ArcaneReference
We've been very open to encounters since we got together, however our rules are that this is discussed beforehand, and up until recently the other party was always involved - at least in the same house, if not the same room or bed.

Mr. AR went on a vacation with his buddies, met some woman, lied about being married, played the tropical single guy, and then lied to me about it (until I got an e-mail from her going on about how fantastic it was) - then I was pissed!

Open is "open", i.e. open for discussion and action, not behind the back. The damage done by his cheating has taken a long time to repair.

Face it, a fuck is a fuck, but his lying to me and hiding it from me turned it into cheating, and the lying about being single while he was on this vacation, I felt, disrespected me and everything to dowith our marriage and was very, very hurtful. We are now re-exploring the boundaries of our relationship and working on re-establishing the trust that was battered.

So, the long and short of it is, I am for an open relationship as long as it is truly "open" - no lies, no bullshit.

Personally as most people on this board know, I take honesty kinda half way. But when it comes to my lover fucking someone behind my back.....OH NO.

I give you a lot of credit to re-establish the boundries..thats much more that I could do.

GOod luck and I wish I had that tolerance....

John.

[ArcaneReference]

Mis-quote of FLORI-daman "good luck, I wish I had that tolerance". Thanks. I wish I had it [tolerance] too.

There is no tolerance involved here - I am absolutely intolerant of lying and/ or cheating - it is attempting to re-establish boundaries and see whether or not the trust will be able to be re-built. A lot of time and effort has been invested and it would be a shame to see it all blown because of a knee-jerk emotional reaction. If our marriage NOW does not work, I can honestly say we gave it a serious try to repair damage.

Will we swing again? Likely not for awhile. If again, then only together as before. I still have some healing to do to get over it.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by ArcaneReference
There is no tolerance involved here - I am absolutely intolerant of lying and/ or cheating - it is attempting to re-establish boundaries and see whether or not the trust will be able to be re-built. A lot of time and effort has been invested and it would be a shame to see it all blown because of a knee-jerk emotional reaction. If our marriage NOW does not work, I can honestly say we gave it a serious try to repair damage.

I commend you for taking the challenge to try and see if your relationship is salvageable. I do know the difficulty in which you are facing. Although we were not swingers, my ex cheated on me. I tried very hard to overcome the feelings of mis-trust and I couldn't, but there were other factors involved too.

I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to work this out.

Lori