Open Marriages (Bliss or Disaster)

[Flori_DAMAN]

I'm just a little confused about the "mis-quote".

I did not mean to imply anything except that I give you my utmost respect for dealing with the issue rather than doing the knee-jerk reaction that I personally probably would have done.

I understand you are not tolerant of cheating, but it takes a helluva person to take a deep breath and rebuild. I too wish you the best of luck and it is always healthy to vent. This board is a great place to do just that....

Cheers,

John

[friskyous]

Over the past 10 or so years mrs F has been involved with a few single guys that she sees occasionally for sexual encounters.
I encourage the activity because she always brings me home detailed descriptions of the evenings events which always leads to days of mind numbing sex for us. I love how hot she is when she comes home after being with one of her guys, she plays more of a dominate role when she's with them and that really turns her on.
I'm not interested in pursuing single partners so this arrangement works well, it's certainly not for everybody but it's great for us and has kept things interesting for several years now.
We have just recently started looking for other couples to explore a bit further and that's how we came to find this wonderful website.
So open relationships? Works for us.... but I agree with the masses... it has to be truly open to work.

[DBStPete]

For us, it's pretty much do what you want as long as you tell all afterwards (part of the best part!)

That said, it has been extremely rare for either of us. Maybe because neither of us really learned to flirt when we were kids? Dunno.

But to get back to the original question, I think successful open marriages are possible, they're just really, really hard, and therefore rare. In practice, it's a considerable risk for many couples.

Do you put your partner's pleasure above your own, freely and happily? Do you KNOW, deep down in your heart of hearts, who you're going home with, and who you're spending the rest of your life with? If you can't instantly say yes to both questions I think an open marriage is too risky.

Mr. DBStPete

[midnight hour]

We do not like the concept of a open marriage...poly yes sounds great with everyone in the same house...open no. To us the romance etc that is in some of the open marriages smells so much like cheating to us. We are not fans of *pillow talk* alone with the other partner...that does appear to be our only rule. I could never be relaxed enough to date someone while Mr. Midnight was not present. That is just us. I feel though if you are into swinging..it causes no problems..why go there...to us it is a chance of too much involvement with someone else...I of course understand the theroy behind the Hot Wife etc. But to me it is a no go.

[jsnps]

Originally Posted by DBStPete

But to get back to the original question, I think successful open marriages are possible, they're just really, really hard, and therefore rare. In practice, it's a considerable risk for many couples.

Do you put your partner's pleasure above your own, freely and happily? Do you KNOW, deep down in your heart of hearts, who you're going home with, and who you're spending the rest of your life with? If you can't instantly say yes to both questions I think an open marriage is too risky.

Mr. DBStPete

I agree with what Mr. DBStPete said. They are very rare and take an immense amount of trust, consideration and communication. The last paragraph is particularly important because it is how my husband and I feel about each other. We have just began to entertain the idea of an open marriage and we have established some boundaries, just as we did when we entertained the idea of swinging for the first time.

We always communicate about the encounter, before it happens. We need to have at least met the person, if they are local, before anything happens. (if they aren't, the likelihood of seeing them again is pretty nil). It is about carnal pleasure, not emotional fulfillment. If it begins to become an emotional attachment, we reevaluate our priorities or break it off with that person - this is still something we do for each other, just like swinging. We allow these actions for the other person's pleasure / sexual fulfillment because we believe that experiences outside of the marriage can truly enhance our marriage and our sexlife if approached correctly. We also believe that you can not truly possess another person - the effort to do so often leads to deceipt and infidelity. We agreed that after the encounter, we always share the experience with each other.

For me, it took a long time to get to this point. As a female, who had been cheated on (not by my husband) and who watched her parents divorce over infidelity, it took a long time to arrive here at this point. My husband respects me in the utmost fashion - in fact, the swinging and the open marriage were both my suggestions. Neither are things we do often as we believe in quality as opposed to quantity. We make sure the choices we make build up, not tear down. It took me four years to learn to trust my husband, to not think he would cheat on me. He shares a lot of characteristics with my biological father (intelligence, interests, etc.) and I just got out of a REALLY bad breakup before we met. Swinging actually helped to solidify the trust I place in him.

Just as swinging is not for everyone, neither is open marriage. It's not good or bad, just something you have to be able to accept in totality before committing to it. Some people can never get their heads around it and there is nothing wrong with that either. People should always move at the pace of the slowest person in the partnership and do what feels right to both parties.
For us, an open marriage works, for us it requires the ultimate level of trust.

Mrs. JP

[invisibletouch]

well, I guess I get to answer on both threads. We started out with an open marriage which now has turned into a polyamorous one.

For us it's working out wonderfully; no jealousy, no insecurities and no secrecy!

I guess it takes two people who are can communicate (in ways you'd never dream) and that are on the same page as to the level of committment to the marriage in order for it to w0rk well.

We've been married 30 yrs so we knew each other very well, maybe that makes it much easier, although I never want anyone to believe it's a walk in the park. Subjects you never thought you'd discuss with your mate are now freely discussed and it's a continual work in progress to make sure the committment to each other is intact & healthy.

Can't wait to answer the poly thread!!

[CliffandKeira]

i've seen the "open" marriage thing before... more in the form of the 3rd couple than the others. when in the service i knew quite a few couples that had contract marriages....they got married for financial reasons. they lived under the same roof...slept together...but dated others. most of the marriages ended after the spouse got out of the service. i've never seen a "true" open marriage...and don't see how it would work for most. even those in the contract marriages got jelous of each other.

[charlottefreaks]

Well we are an open cpl but playing without each other is out of the question because we both loving watching each other play. As far as separate rooms, our first swinging experience was in separate rooms and I did not enjoy myself. For one we had already address to the cpl that we do not perform in separate rooms. The female half of the other relationship got up in the middle of us playing and took my fiance out to another room. Instantly I got out of the mood of doing anything. This made the male half feel as though he wasn't perforing well, even though that wasn't the case. To make a long story short, after that experience I told the woman that we do not play separate and her responds was YOUR NEW TO THE LIFESTYLE YOU WILL GET USE TO IT. She eventually started talking about leaving her hubby. To make matters worst she would make me feel like if i wasnt there they would have so much more fun. That drew the line for me and we decided same room is the best for us. More exotic!!!!

[HotMoCpl]

I"ve heard this term before and around the military it has quite a different meaning. Married 'military couples' face quite a challenge since both are in the military. Now I know that in the Army, the Department of the Army does try to keep the couple together as often as possible, but there are times that this cannot, or simply won't, happen. :rollseyes These for the most part, are couples that understand that for they're SO need to get laid about as often as they do.

[Kyndashi]

We have an open marriage. We swing and also see others seperately. Most of the singles that we have seen have been in the lifestyle. There are some friends we party with that are not in the lifestyle though but know we are. It wouldn't work for everyone I'm sure. But we haven't ran into a problem.

[WesternSwing]

For us swinging is a couple activity, that is us as a couple. It is sharing the fun, the excitement, and the anticipation together. And then talking non-stop like teenagers about it for days to come.

My beautiful bride has given me the okay to play solo in the past when I was out of town and met a girl that just did it for me. But in the end it didn't happen. As it turns out she only lives several hours away so we tried to arrange a threesome, but she flaked. Oh, well. I think she had different ideas of the relationship, which just seems like it would be a problem if the other person wasn't in the lifestyle, or had a clear definition between love and sex.

We know couples that do play solo, and it works for them. But it just isn't our gig at this time. Someday our play may morph into solo play, but I don't see it happening at this time.

Mr. WS