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I came on here one time about a year ago maybe a little less and posted anonymously, and I never came back. I know in general swinging is not just about sexual things, but in some cases it can be. And I knwo there may not be anyone able to help but this is the only place I can think of to go! Here's some background. My boyfriend of 4 years brought up the whole open relationship thing about 1.5 years ago. We've talked baout it but I told him that if he ever found someone he wanted to be with that we could discuss it again. the topic had never come up seriously since then. Well he jsut met this girl that is willing to do this. I am not willing to be a part of it because of her age, it's not illegal or anything just too young for me. he has told me that it will all be purely sexual he has told her that(I think that she is too young) He has supposedly made clear to her that it is just about sex. And has told me that I am also allowed to have sex with other people. There are other rules specifically pretaining to us that aren't important to my quesiton also. but he is ot to ever insinuate that they are in a relationship, or let her think that this is about love at all. I am the person that he loves in a way that is toatlly different from anyone else. But I'm not quite sure I'm ready to deal with this. He said I can either deal with it or get out of the relationship but that he really doesn't want to lose me he said that I am allowed to participate in anything and that I could watch if I wanted but i don't really want to...so yeah any advice from anyone?

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The biggest red flag for me in your post (and probably to others here as well) is basically the ultimatum of deal with what he wants or leave the relationship. Whether he loves you more or in a way he doesn't love anyone else is irrelevant to the fact that you have let him know you are not comfortable with his proposition...any person who is willing to give up their relationship for some young piece of ass isn't the kind of person I would want to be in a relationship with.

 

You don't state your ages or the potential playmate's age...but if something makes you uncomfortable first of all you should be able to express that (so should he). On the flip side, when raising an objection how does he act? I mean, you haven't posted a huge amount of detail...but if he reacts like a petulant teenager whose mommy is putting a damper on their good time...that's just not the adult way to handle things.

 

Please register! Welcome to the board. There is some very good info here, hope you stick around! :)

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I came on here one time about a year ago maybe a little less and posted anonymously, and I never came back.

Welcome back!! We'd love it if you registered!! There is so much great information here!!

 

I'm going to have to break up your large paragraph into smaller ones so I can understand your dilemma a little bit better.

 

I know in general swinging is not just about sexual things, but in some cases it can be. And I knwo there may not be anyone able to help but this is the only place I can think of to go! Here's some background. My boyfriend of 4 years brought up the whole open relationship thing about 1.5 years ago. We've talked baout it but I told him that if he ever found someone he wanted to be with that we could discuss it again. the topic had never come up seriously since then.

OK... I'm following so far.

 

Well he jsut met this girl that is willing to do this. I am not willing to be a part of it because of her age, it's not illegal or anything just too young for me. he has told me that it will all be purely sexual he has told her that(I think that she is too young) He has supposedly made clear to her that it is just about sex. And has told me that I am also allowed to have sex with other people.

Ok.. still following you. He's met a girl and wants a threesome with her. Purely sexual, no emotion. He told her that you think she's too young. You don't say how old you two are or how old this other woman is, and sometimes it helps to know that kind of stuff. He actually sounds very immature like a petulant child.

 

There are other rules specifically pretaining to us that aren't important to my quesiton also. but he is ot to ever insinuate that they are in a relationship, or let her think that this is about love at all. I am the person that he loves in a way that is toatlly different from anyone else.

This is where I get confused. I'm not sure who is and isn't in the relationship. From what I'm reading from you, you and him are in the relationship and she is just the outsider who is ready for a threesome with you two but you think she's too young, right?

 

But I'm not quite sure I'm ready to deal with this. He said I can either deal with it or get out of the relationship but that he really doesn't want to lose me he said that I am allowed to participate in anything and that I could watch if I wanted but i don't really want to...so yeah any advice from anyone?

OK... Here is the GIANT red flag!! You're not comfortable with the whole situation and he's telling you to just leave then, right? He doesn't want to lose you but he wants this threesome pretty bad -- do I have that right? Well, if what I'm reading is correct and he's telling you to hit the bricks if you don't want to do this -- he's not loving you or is he respecting your feelings in this. He's not willing to go at your speed, either which is a hallmark of swingers. We don't do anything that would make our spouses/partners/significant others uncomfortable. :nono: It sounds like he's giving you an ultimatum and you're either going to do it or pack your bags.

 

No guy is worth that in my opinion. If those are his rules, you'd be better off without him. It would make me wonder what else he'd have you do under duress with the threat of having to pack your bags.

 

This guy wants what he wants no matter what you want, right? I'd kick him to the curb and let him have his little fling. No man who supposedly loves and respects his girlfriend would expect her to do this.

 

Just my humble opinion, but I'd be packing.

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He said I can either deal with it or get out of the relationship

 

Hope you really come back and read this time.

 

Time to pack your bags and hit the road. If he is so into wanting the young stuff that he is telling you to deal with it or leave, make the right choice and leave him to the young stuff.

 

If he is going to do this just over some sex what is he going to do in the future.

 

I am normally one to tell people to work things out but there are way to many things in your post that says you are nothing but a convenience to him and it is time for you to find the life you deserve.

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He said I can either deal with it or get out of the relationship but that he really doesn't want to lose me...

 

This guy is bullying you, plain and simple. Your choices are a reflection of who you are... Choose wisely. You can be this dude's victim or move along and find someone who loves you for who you are and has your best interest at heart, always.

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I'm the originial poster, I have registered, hopefully I will be able to remember my name on here and whatnot.

 

We established things like she is to never htink that she is in a relaitonship with him. And he's not trying to force me into a threesome, it was just an option to make me feel better. And I think that I was a lottle harsh in saying I could accept it or getout. I know that's what I said, but it's not exactly true. what he really meant was that this is something I can learn to accept or that maybe we aren't meant to be together. he really wants to be with me and we were together a lot of today and he was treating me better than he has in a really long time. My biggest issue is trusting him, and not because he's ever doen anything in the past that would lose my trust, but that other relationships I've been in were not trustworthy, and not even as far as sexual things goes just no trust in general. Ages don't really matter in thae situation other than I feel she is too young for me to be with. He is a few years younger than I amand she's a few eyars younger than him. And we're relatively young to be getting into this kind of community.

 

and yes it is just the two of us in the relationship...this other girl is completely third party. I am actually a lot more ok with all of this now than I was before. There are 3 people he has said he trusts for us to talk about htis with in our lives. and I've talked to two of them. both of them have said they don't really understand and one is prepared to beat the ever living crap out of him if he hurts me. so yeah...he has promised to try harder in our relationship. And I do need to give him some space outside of even the sexual exploits that he wants. Jus tin general in life. I dont have a lot of friends outside him. I have a few sadly a lot of them don't live here. So it's hard. My biggest problem is feeling that he is going to abandon me for her. He swears he will never do that. he ahs told me that he has no intention of starting any relationship with anyone else. And that I was allowed to tell a few peopel ifi wanted to go out to local clubs or parties or anything to meet people for myself or for both of us. and I'm kind of open to that. He has some situations and so do I that it's not really approproate for this to get out,a nd I really trust the people who have been told.

 

But as i said it's not that he doesn't love me or doesn't want to marrying me, and we've even discussed this being a temporary thing, because of extemporary circumstances.

 

oh and she has also been told that I come first and foremost above everyone else in his life. ie if they were planning to do something and I was in an accident or something just bad happened in my life he woudl come help me and leave her. and I think it is only fair that she know that.

 

the big problem here is my excess of jealousy and lack of trust and I relaly should be able to trust him. We've been discussing this for 1.5 years and it'snot my fault that he found someone before me and someone that I didn't want to be with. We never said only threesomes. I think before today as a whole there just wasn't enough communication between the two of us. It's not good and we need to work on that some more.

 

any other details people htink are necessary just ask, I may not give them but you are free to ask.

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oh and also as far as being bullied in a relationship this is nothing compared to relationships I've had in the past.

 

I dated a guy who cheated on me multiple times told me he'd quit drinking and smoking, and doing drugs(all things i didn't like at the time I'm still against smoking and drugs...at elast for anyone i'm going to be with) It was not a good situation. the guy i'm with now got me away from that. he's never done ANYTHING that I've ever asked him not to, and he really is going out of his way to try and make me comfortable with this. He has told me that if it would make me feel better we could "take a break" while he does his experimentation but that he'd really ilke to sitll be with me and would relaly like me to be a part of it, and is still totally open to the option of finding another female to participate.

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I said a lot in the previous two posts(I am the original poster)

 

if they are not here by morning i will restate it all...but if they are then that's that I'm too tired to repost all the information I processed

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Welcome to the Swingers Board ready_to_learn :)

 

Maybe we can help, we all have questions about how you feel. I think thats pretty important..... How you feel about all of this and especially how you feel about your relationship.

 

How did you come about meeting these other women/playmates of his ?

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My boyfriend of 4 years brought up the whole open relationship thing about 1.5 years ago. We've talked baout it but I told him that if he ever found someone he wanted to be with that we could discuss it again. the topic had never come up seriously since then. Well he jsut met this girl that is willing to do this.

 

Ok.. still following you. He's met a girl and wants a threesome with her.

I could be wrong, but I think you're assuming that he wants a 3some, LFM. The OP talks about an open relationship, and the male half has "found someone he wanted to be with" and she is willing.

 

Sounds like to me, this guy just wants multiple but separate partners and isn't necessarily wanting ready_to_learn to participate. Honey, this guy is being a jerk and isn't thinking about your wants or feelings, nor the health of your relationship. I don't see this ending well, but I do see it ending.

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he's willing to have a threesome but i am not(with this particular girl) therefore he was giong to have her by himself.

 

But there's a whole new kink in this chain...

 

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

 

I todl him tha tI am now actively trying to find someone else...

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Thanks for registering! :)

 

Just because his actions aren't as bad as some previous relationships still doesn't justify his actions.

 

Yes, it's alot easier saying that from the outside looking in...but sometimes it needs to be said.

 

Of course he may be on some superb behavior with you, possibly in part to get what he wants. I'm not trying to be ugly with that statement...because I think on some level we all try to sweeten the pot if there's something we really want.

 

If he's really interested in doing this...why not just stick with only couples to swap with for the time being? Perhaps if you are both involved it would help ease your trust/jealousy issues. Also, what helps with us is the notion of veto power. If one of us isn't comfortable with a playmate/couple then either one of us has the right/ability to put the brakes on the activity for that evening.

 

To keep the relationship intact, you both have to find common ground. Not basically looking for your girlfriend to give you permission to go fuck any partner you find willing and in retaliation you are now actively looking for someone to play with because he's found someone. Eventually there will be resentment and other issues to come to bear.

 

Have you met the other girl? Sometimes that can alleviate some of the jealously and nervousness issues. Because you know an overactive imagination will do you in. lol But seriously, if you meet her then you can reiterate the 'ground rules' and know for sure that she has been informed. Plus it makes you seem more involved and aware, not some poor little victim whose bf is stepping out on her.

 

Good luck!

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I think me informing her might be a good idea...and yes I ahve met her and she and I haven't discussed the situation at all

 

as for right now I think he needs to talk to his friend, and he needs to stay away from being alone with her

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Some poeple are going to be talked to today. His best friend wants to talk to both o fus separately today...but I don't htink his friend ahs contacted him yet. I have already started looking for couples or single females through SLS...because that's what i'm interested in...and doing this together. I really think that's where we need to head.

 

also I am amazed by the number of young people on SLS

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oh and also as far as being bullied in a relationship this is nothing compared to relationships I've had in the past.

 

I dated a guy who cheated on me multiple times told me he'd quit drinking and smoking, and doing drugs(all things i didn't like at the time I'm still against smoking and drugs...at elast for anyone i'm going to be with) It was not a good situation. the guy i'm with now got me away from that. he's never done ANYTHING that I've ever asked him not to, and he really is going out of his way to try and make me comfortable with this. He has told me that if it would make me feel better we could "take a break" while he does his experimentation but that he'd really ilke to sitll be with me and would relaly like me to be a part of it, and is still totally open to the option of finding another female to participate.

 

He is giving you an ultimatum and does not seem to be willing to compromise - his way or the highway, with or without you involved. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to us, and you sound like you might be in denial about it.

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I can't really express this in a way that everyone seems to understand so it's not necessarily his way or the highway. I'm aware that is what i originally made it sound like. A person that he trusts has almost sort of figured out what's going ona nd wants to talk with us separately. He is a great friend and I'm very glad that we have him here and that my boyfriend is willing to talk to him.

 

he is willing to help me look on SLS for couples or women that we could start out with. And i'm very excited to see the number of people I've foudn in our area.

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I am very reatful for all of your input. I really want to see how this pans out before I makeany definite decisions. he really needs to take astep back and I think that we are on the right path for that we'll see how the conversations go today and then we'll go from there. I really don't want to lose him. and he doesn't want to lose me. we just need to figure out how to make this work.

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he is willing to help me look on SLS for couples or women that we could start out with. And i'm very excited to see the number of people I've foudn in our area.

 

Before it sounded like this was something you did not want to do or be involved with, it was something only he wanted. Have you changed your mind or are you just trying very hard to hang on to your guy?

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he's willing to have a threesome but i am not(with this particular girl) therefore he was giong to have her by himself.

 

But there's a whole new kink in this chain...

 

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

 

I todl him tha tI am now actively trying to find someone else...

 

I couldn't say it loud enough...get the hell outta this thing! Any guy who gives you an ultimatum is bad news. He's gonna cheat later if you say no to this now. Or, he's just gonna leave you. What an ass. From what I've learned on my short road into this lifestyle...swinging is about sharing and pleasing...not about threatening. It's a way to get closer. What he's suggesting is cheating, plain and simple. It's not about you, it's about his childish needs. Find a better man, there are a lot of them out there! Don't even try to talk about it with him or try to "make him understand". From what I can tell, he probably isn't capable or willing. Maybe you should give him an ultimatum. It's you (and only you)...or the highway! Better yet...it's just the highway.

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I don't want to sound judgmental or harsh but I see several things in your posts that worry me.

 

1.) It sounds as if you've been through a string of bad relationships, going right from one to another without taking any time between to get your own life together. When all you've had is bad relationships it hard to really see it when you're just trading up for a lesser kind of evil.

 

2.) Your BF (from what I gather from all your posts) is going to have a fling with this other woman knowing that you don't feel comfortable with it. He's done everything he can to try to convince you why he should be allowed to do this with your approval, tried to 'balance' the playing field by giving you permission to do the same.

 

3.) He's told you that you can either accept that he wants an open relationship or you two can go your separate ways (anyway you want to word it, it means the same thing). "Taking a break" really means, "I get to fuck whomever I want knowing it will be forgiven when this break is over". My guess is that he knows you desperately want this relationship to work and are willing to compromise yourself in order to do so. He might love you, or he might just love you right now.

 

4.) You have poor communication. All good relationships have good communication. If you can't talk to each other in a constructive way than your relationship will not last a lifetime.

 

5.) You have trust issues. If my guess is right these stem from previous experience and maybe one or two times with your current BF. Trust is a delicate flower, easy to crush. It takes nurturing, it doesn't sound as if he's nurtured the trust in your relationship.

 

Let me ask you...

 

Do you feel like you need him financially, or emotionally, or mentally?

In your past have the men in your life told you or made you feel like you couldn't survive on your own without them?

Does he make mention that he helped you out of your last relationship?

Does he go through periods where he treats you badly then makes up for it with a 'gesture of love'?

 

If you can answer yes to any of these you might want to consider getting out of this relationship cycle. You have a self worth and it isn't dependent on whatever man is in your life. You should not have to just accept, or resign yourself to his wants. You're looking on SLS and considering couples or other females...but is that something you really want? By want I mean, it sets your heart aflame with desire, it will fulfill a fantasy for you?

 

Anyone on this board can tell you the way love is supposed to be. From your posts what you have is the illusion of love. When you love someone you accept that they aren't ready for something and you put it aside until they are ready (if ever). If they never are you accept their decision and love them anyway. Respect, trust, and love go hand in hand. If there isn't one then there isn't the others.

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he's willing to have a threesome but i am not(with this particular girl) therefore he was giong to have her by himself.

 

But there's a whole new kink in this chain...

 

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

 

I todl him tha tI am now actively trying to find someone else...

 

We could support your side of the situation...... You can at least think about things and posssibly understand what swinging is... I think you get it.

 

Your partner however needs to learn a few things.... Like what it will be like, if your not around any more while he is in his open relationship.

 

I cant see it any other way..... He is stepping on you, and others, to get what he wants.

 

This is not a good idea :bricks: I don't know if its even swinging !

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:welcome3: ready_to_learn. I'm glad you decided to register. :)

 

LFM, I could be wrong, but I think you're assuming that he wants a 3some. The OP talks about an open relationship, and the male half has "found someone he wanted to be with" and she is willing.

Thanks for the clarification Dynamar, you were right.

 

he's willing to have a threesome but i am not(with this particular girl) therefore he was giong to have her by himself.

Wow..

 

oh and also as far as being bullied in a relationship this is nothing compared to relationships I've had in the past.

He might be better, but this still doesn't excuse his behavior.

 

But there's a whole new kink in this chain...

 

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

 

I todl him tha tI am now actively trying to find someone else...[/Quote]

Good luck in your search, however, I think there is much needed work to be done in your own relationship before you find a third or couple. I'm still not seeing the love or respect you deserve from him.

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If he's having a relationship with this girl, there is a relationship whether it's just sexual or not. Unless you are there for 100% of their interractions you will have no idea what is going on between them and you have NO control over what may happen between them. Just because he tells her that it is JUST sex will not keep her from wanting more or perhaps developing feelings of her own.

 

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

 

Good. Show him this thread and let him read it, and have his friend talk to him. If you are going to do this, do it together or not at all. What you originally posted sounded more like his desire matters more than anything else (including you). If you can't do this as a couple with both of you being happy, don't do it.

 

oh and also as far as being bullied in a relationship this is nothing compared to relationships I've had in the past.

 

I dated a guy who cheated on me multiple times told me he'd quit drinking and smoking, and doing drugs(all things i didn't like at the time I'm still against smoking and drugs...at elast for anyone i'm going to be with) It was not a good situation. the guy i'm with now got me away from that. he's never done ANYTHING that I've ever asked him not to, and he really is going out of his way to try and make me comfortable with this. He has told me that if it would make me feel better we could "take a break" while he does his experimentation but that he'd really ilke to sitll be with me and would relaly like me to be a part of it, and is still totally open to the option of finding another female to participate.

 

This really concerns me. What I see here is a guy who wants what he wants without regard to the woman in his life. He's willing to "take a break" while he pursues his desires? WTF!? In the end, he's giving you an ulimatum whether you want to see it or not. He's telling you that he's going to do what he wants to do one way or another and you are trying to justify his actions by comparing them to WORSE boyfriends!? You (as a woman) deserve better, not just better than the last.

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I think it's great everyone is trying to kind and helpful here but honestly, this question isn't about swinging. The guy is just a jerk. I've so many like him and so many girls are willing to rationalize it in a vain attempt to hang on. Best to leave him and move on.

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ready_to_learn, we have to ask.

 

What would you consider to be a good outcome for you, in all of this ?

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