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Played alone, now the other female wants an apology because I didn't know their rules

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Hi Y'all,

Here we go again. :(

 

I went to a party Saturday night. Laurie couldn't be with me. She had family obligations out of state. With both our schedules being so busy this is a problem we have faced before. If one of us can't be home for the party weekend, AND it's an crowd we know and trust, AND we both agree before hand, then we're free to go have fun. Having satisfied those requirements I went by myself.

 

At the party was a couple we've known since we've been in the lifestyle. I've never had the chance to play with the lady. She's had some nusance health troubles and hasn't gotten naked at a party in a long time. Her husband has taken Laurie up to a play room a time or two though. I didn't go up there with them. They were within earshot and I trusted him so I didn't feel the need to supervise.

 

As Saturday evening got going really good I went upstairs with her, her husband, and another lady. It started with the two girls playing and us guys taking pictures. (Great pics by the way.) :D

 

After a while the other guy put the camera away and started playing with the other lady. I got busy with the other guy's wife. She didn't object. She made happy noises as it was going on. She cheerfully co-operated with my requests to change positions and such. It seemed to me that everybody was having a good time.

 

I get a call from the guy today telling me that I need to apologize to her. She is upset. They have a rule that they only play with couples and since Laurie wasn't there that means I was a single and therefore out of bounds.

 

I AM going to apologize to her. If she's not happy about what happened then I'm not happy about it either. This is supposed to be fun, not upsetting.

 

I mentioned to the husband that if she'd given even the slightest sign that she wasn't happy with the situation I would have stopped immediately. I'm no rapist. A woman does not even need to tell me no. An apathetic response will send me looking for someone who is more interested in my attention.

 

He said she won't say no. It's his job to enforce their agreed upon rules.

 

I'm completely at a loss as to how I was supposed to know that she was not ok with this. I have considered them friends for a while. We've spent time with them in a non-sexual context. While I was laid up from my big surgery she was one of the internet chat buddies who kept me company. We've joked about me dragging her off into the bushes.

 

I've even played with her in a soft swing kind of way from time to time. It never went any further than that until Saturday because of external circumstances. The first time I was recovering from major abdominal surgery and wasn't capable of anything vigorous. The second time we were about to have intercourse but someone came into the playroom that Laurie found so objectionable that she threw me the "We're leaving NOW" hand signal.

 

Am I missing some warning sign that I should have seen? Is this odd? Can I expect this sort of drama on a regular basis? Laurie and I both just want to have fun but lately we feel like we're trapped in a soap opera.

 

My first reaction to how to deal with this is to give her the apology she wants and be politely distant toward them in the future. Decline all invitations to spend time with either of them be it in a sexual or non-sexual context. I just don't want to do something like that out of ill temper over it though.

 

What do you think?

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Ummm, sorry but we don't see what you have to apologize for.

 

We assume you were invited to go up-stairs with them and that they knew your wife was not with you that night.

 

No one is a mind reader. If the lady didn't want your attentions she should have said so...or at the very least given her husband their secret sign and had him say something.

 

Apologize if you feel you must, but we don't see what you would be apologizing for.

 

 

TNT

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Can I expect this sort of drama on a regular basis? Laurie and I both just want to have fun but lately we feel like we're trapped in a soap opera.

Naw...don't expect this kind of thing...

Only a fool would suggest drama won't be encountered in this pursuit...Ya know....issuses will be encountered...this woman has some...

 

What we do, listen up 'cause we've devised this plan after careful consideration,

we run like the wind & we don't look back...

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I have to go with the flow here, I don't see that you have anything to apologize for either, I know I wouldn't. In fact, I would have told the guy as much, issues on their part don't make a problem on my part. Furthermore, if he was supposed to be the one that was responsible for stopping it (a stupid arrangement, in my opinion), he should be the one apologizing to his wife, not you.

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Ah yes, to apologize or not to apologize, das iz de question...

 

So you say "Apologize" and then keep your distance from them or "Do Not Apologize" and do what? The same thing?, keep your distance from them?

 

Some people can't see the forest for the trees. If they feel they can expect you to apologize for what I consider entrapment by them then I think you need to keep your distance from them.

 

Whats it going to be next time? Which rule of theirs will YOU break next that you have no knowledge of? You didn't wear a condum? You kissed her on the lips? You spanked her butt?

 

You see, what they don't understand is that THEIR rules are soley for them to follow, their rules ARE meant only for other people to follow if they themselves follow their own rules. If they do not follow or enforce their own rules how can they expect you to abide by them?

 

I say bail and no apology, other than an apology that includes "I apologize for not knowing your rules in order to avoid this discussion".

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I love it when someone demands an apology for something you don't feel like you need to apologize for. This is how I've learned to handle these things.

 

"I'm sorry if you felt bad. That was not my intension."

 

You're not apologizing for your action(s), because there is nothing to apologize for in that case, from what you've said. You're not a mind reader, for christ's sake. But, you may feel badly that she feels bad. So if you want to, you can be sorry for that.

 

Would I play with them again? That's a good question. Y'all need to be upfront with that couple and say, "we enjoy your company, but we just can't deal with mis-communications that someone later has to apologize for. If we're all on the same page, great, let's get naked!" -- I'm with you. Don't want no drama -- no no no no drama drama

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So you are not a mind reader? Shame on you Bama! :) :)

 

spectraschain is very insightful... run like the freaking wind away from them. I would say "sorry that 'she' misinterpreted my advances and I hope the two of you accept my most sincere apologies!" And do this at the next party, LIVE BABY! Then simply turn your body and walk away.

 

If they approach you again simply say "Under the circumstances Bud and Alice, I think I need some time to reflect on this whole situation and I will gladly get back to you both when I am in a better place on this." Smile and go about your "bidness".

 

Some people just suck! And not in a good way.

 

M&N

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Her husband has taken Laurie up to a play room a time or two though. I didn't go up there with them. They were within earshot and I trusted him so I didn't feel the need to supervise.

 

As Saturday evening got going really good I went upstairs with her, her husband, and another lady.

 

After a while the other guy put the camera away and started playing with the other lady.

 

They have a rule that they only play with couples and since Laurie wasn't there that means I was a single and therefore out of bounds.

 

In my little reality, having the SO in the same building does not equal "we only play with couples".

 

He has played with Laurie without you in the room. They invited you to a playroom. He started playing with a woman without her SO in the room. He didn't stop the play and say, "get the hell out, Laurie isn't in the building." She didn't stop the play either.

 

I get a call from the guy today telling me that I need to apologise to her. She is upset.

 

He said she wont say no, It's his job to enforce their agreed upon rules.

 

I am no puh-sy-kik, but I don't think she's the one upset. I think the Mr. was so focused on getting his play on with the other lady that he forgot to be upset about her having a good time. Now that he looks back on it he sees that Mrs. was having a good time right along with him and he's all freaky about it. There's a big difference between "won't say no" and "Yes, Yes, pound me like a cube steak".

 

I wouldn't apologize for your behavior. I might say, "I'm sorry you feel badly." or "I'm sorry that we won't be able to play anymore." If they give you some line about her being "all sexed up" and you "taking advantage", they could have stopped play at any time. You could have said, "Mi scuzi" and left.

 

I've been the drama guy before, but I got over it. (S)he or they should too.

 

Your mileage may vary.

Mr FC4L

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It seems folks are quick to blame the lady here, yet this communication came from the man. She may be clueless as to what this nitwit is demanding.

 

In any case, I would avoid them both and spread the word. Maybe next time these nuts won't just demand an apology and, given the political climate in this country, could lead to Bad Things...

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Thanks Y'all. Because of scheduling issues the house party group we attend isn't having a June party. we're going to try another local group during that time and if it goes well we may just fade from the scene at the current one. Maybe we'll have better luck elsewhere.

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We agree with the rest, kind of. Instead of giving an apology I (Mr. Cpl.) would have demanded an apology for having to listen to such drivel. 1) He has played with your wife before when his wife could not (or would not) play. 2) He was playing with a woman who was not with her hubby. 3) His wife enjoyed what was happening and neither one of them asked for a stop. He has issues with "sharing". Do not apologize, and and if he brings it up again tell him to go away. Just our opinion.

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I would find it hard not to laugh in his face, or at least stifle a grin. ::P:

 

Pure Bullshit on his & her part. This "she can't say no" stuff. Yes, Goodtimes. The wrong thing is going on here. The OP has nothing to apologize for.

 

Male D

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This is an old one, but I (evidently) just read it and I'm completely flabbergasted.

 

You are supposed to apologize because her husband didn't enforce their rules? You were evidently supposed to read her mind and KNOW what their rules were and enforce them yourself? You have nothing to apologize for and I would have let them know that.

 

It's been a while and I am curious to know what ever became of this, if you did apologize and if you did continue to be friendly with them and/or play.

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Julie I am with you here. The other thing that I don't understand, is that this couple already knows both the OP and his wife. Soooooo....they had to know that she wasn't in the building and yet is appears that they asked him to goto the play room.

 

I agree that he really shouldn't have to apologize and it "sounds" like the classic situation of where it is ok for the husband to play, but not the wife and he is pissed now because his wife played around. Bottom line is if you are going to be in this lifestyle, you need to communicate, not just with your SO but any play partner you might be with.

 

-Van

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I find the demanding of an apology to be the most amusing part of this. If someone did something that upset either my wife or I we'd never demand an apology from them. We'd let them know that something happened we weren't happy with, or comfortable with or whatever and we'd take it from there. If it was really bad we'd just let them know we weren't interested in playing with them anymore and move on.

 

Demanding an apology; hilarious.

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Ok, let me get this straight - she invited him upstairs to play, then got upset that his wife wasn't there when she knew all along that his wife wasn't there, and now she wants an apology? In other words, she violated their rule, and she wants him to apologize for it?

 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Why do some people insist in creating drama where it doesn't exist?

 

Not only would we not apologize, we'd let the couple know that it's their responsibility to live by their own rules - nobody else's - and that by demonstrating that they can't or won't do that, we're probably less compatible as couples than we originally thought. I'd let them know that we don't appreciate being drawn into their problems, and that we'd appreciate it if they didn't contact us anymore.

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We have had this kind of thing happen before, where the stated reason for the hard feelings does not make any sense. In those cases, we choose to believe there is another, unsaid reason why the other couple has a problem. In any case, it is on their side and you can't do anything about it. Choose to apologize or not, whatever was bothering them will still bother them.

 

Sorry this happened to you. It is really frustrating when you thought you were playing nice, and you probably were, and then all of a sudden something is put on you that does not make any sense. Good luck, and I hope if your friendship is worthwhile, that it can be preserved.

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We have had a different version of this. We played with a couple on several occasions, during which it was openly discussed that the hubby played alone on the road, and that the wife and I played seperately on occassion as well, when schedules conflicted etc.

 

On one occassion the other male contacted us about getting together, his wife and kids were travelling. We agreed, and in fact, my wife went over by herself because 1) we knew and trusted them, and 2) I had to work. After they were done, he made the comment to my wife "lets just keep this between us" WTF!! We were pissed, but did not want to start drama, deciding it was their issue. But we stopped seeing them all together. We share mutual friends with them, and on occassion saw them at the swing club and it was always tense. We don't know what he told her, and we decided not to tell her why we had backed off. His dishonesty/fear effected us all.

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This is exactly the sort of thing that gets me so frustrated. Not your actions...you did nothing wrong.

 

But hers.

 

I don't get why so many women have these rules and then leave it up to their other half to enforce them. We are not in the middle ages folks, stand up for yourself. It's like at a club where a guy hits on a woman that she doesnt like...instead of saying 'hey, no thanks' she expects her other half to 'save her'. Ugh.

 

I have a guy who will keep an eye on me during a party BUT, he also expects that i will handle things.

 

If you don't have the balls to say 'no thanks' you shouldn't be doing this....be you make or female.

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I don't get why so many women have these rules and then leave it up to their other half to enforce them. We are not in the middle ages folks, stand up for yourself. It's like at a club where a guy hits on a woman that she doesnt like...instead of saying 'hey, no thanks' she expects her other half to 'save her'.

 

Playful, I agree with whoever it was who suggested it was not actually the female half of the couple who was upset. All the communication about the distress came from the man.

 

It makes a lot more sense to me that the man is upset that his wife played "separately" than that a woman who was quite happy to go off alone with a man to a private room would wake up the next day and feel upset that his wife wasn't in the building.

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Well you sound like a very upstanding man for apologising for something that was NOT your fault. They should have made clear to you of their rules and she could have told you no before the play got started or even during the play. It's not like she didn't know what was going on. It seems like the drama is coming from them and not from you and they should be the ones apologising to you.

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I don't see that you did ANYTHING WRONG HERE.

 

I seewhy they only play with couples but IN THIS scenario HER HUSBAND was not left out. He had a play mate to play with and so did she. What was the problem? If she didn't want to do it she should not have plain and simple. Not your fault AT ALL. If people dont communicate their rules then they can't expect that everyone else knows whta they are.

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