Wife playing alone and I'm not sure I'm ok with it

[nexteltx]

Alright…Here’s the deal…Me and my wife are in our early twenties with a child…For a couple of years I always thought my wife with another man watching them and participating would be sexy…She never gave it any thought…Until January…

She always enjoyed chatting on the computer…She’s a flirt but never would go to far…Since the child she’s gained a little weight and she used it to sort of help her self esteem…In January a guy she had been talking to came to our town to visit his family…She asked me if she could meet him, I thinking it was a joke said to go right ahead…Later that week she asked a second time…Still thinking it was a joke I said go ahead…She came home drunk and told me she had given him a blowjob…I was speechless I have always been turned on by that but didn’t know what to think I never thought it would happen…I was angry but I couldn’t be I gave her permission…I was hurt that I wasn’t included, or I guess that she would rather do that alone…And that was as far as it went…Until

Last Monday…She has recently been chatting with another man daily for about a month…Calling him on the phone and staying up until the wee hours in the morning…I work graveyard so I don’t have an opportunity to see her that often and when I do she’s talking to that guy…We had previously agreed that in the future if there was to be a future with this kind of play that it would be for the both of us and not for just our singular pleasure…Anyway I had let it slide, until last Monday…She had been asking me for days if she could go meet him, each time I had to work that night I was hesitant I would’ve preferred to be there…On Monday she asked me again and after 4 times of saying no she wouldn’t let up so I said okay whatever…I went to work and tried calling her over and over again to tell her I wasn’t comfortable but she did not answer…Finally around two in the morning she called and gave me the details…She had given him a blowjob and described everything that had occurred…I guess the things that make me kind of uncomfortable would be that she behaves different with these men…I mean she’s more sensuous she usually when being intimate with me doesn’t go out of her way to seduce me or kiss but every time she goes out she does that kind of stuff…So the next couple of days I kind of was upset I saw this lack of attention and lack of sexual interest with me as a major problem…I spoke with her for a couple of days and told her that I felt ignored and well that she wasn’t into me anymore…She assured me that I was just blowing things out of proportion and that she did love me, she didn’t feel any different…

So here’s the dilemma…She’s planning to meet again this Saturday night but for actual intercourse…This was never really discussed before I asked her if she wanted to fuck him and she said sure…I don’t know if I am comfortable with this seeing how it doesn’t seem to be for us, it seems this is solely for her…Am I reading to much into this, because it feels like she’s growing attached…She doesn’t spend half her time being with me then she does talking to this man…What am I supposed to do…?

Is this bad…Is this good…Do I have to worry…Is it all in my head…AAAAHHHH

[NewAndScared]

Call your attourney. First to file wins!

Sorry, still having a bad day.

Wait, no, file. What your wife is doing has nothing to do with swinging and mutual sex. It is cheating with permission. She is one step out the door.

[TeamSoBe]

You say that you're not cool with it but you seem to be in control and you're letting it happen anyway. I sense a moth-to-flame attraction on your part to her behavior, which is perfectly normal. If you like the thrill of the threatened feeling and the uncertainty then you're not alone. If you don't then stop her when she gives you a chance.

[JnCC]

Ahhh...young wives. They're like young puppies. When they piss on the furniture, you gotta whack 'em on the ass right then and there, or they'll get the idea that whatever they're doing is OK with you.

You're problem, my young friend, is that you didn't whack your wife on the ass the first time she gave some strange guy a blow job. Oh well...too late now. But there IS something else you can do...

You say that "she's planning to meet again this Saturday night but for actual intercourse…" In other words, she's sort of "lifting her leg in the direction of your furniture," but she hasn't actually started spraying the sofa yet. Now's the time you have to make some noise! In as loud and authoritative voice as you can muster, tell her, "NO!...STOP!" and wave a rolled-up newspaper at her. Sure, it will startle her. She may even try to do it again a few moments later, at which time you repeat the commands "NO! STOP!" over again. Repeat as often as necessary.

Eventually, she'll learn what you'll stand for, and what you will not.

Yep...they're just like puppies. The sooner they know what the rules are, the better. If you don't do something about it now, there will never be any peace in your home later. Like Tony Soprano says...

"The shit don't go back IN the donkey!"

[CandPinSA]

In our opinion, and not even having anything to do with our desire to swing, there are huge differences between swinging, an 'open' relationship, and cheating. I wouldn't even consider what she is doing, 'with' permission, swinging. With permission, I would call it an 'open' relationship. However, I wouldn't call it that either, as you tried many times more than should have been needed to tell her you are not comfortable with it, you don't like it, and no you don't want her to do it. She basically badgered you into saying 'fine whatever'.... and did it... yet still knowing you didn't want it to happen but not caring. Simply put, she's cheating on you. Being coerced into submission is not submitting. If you finally gave up the argument for the sake of not arguing, which it should be obvious to ANYONE that's what happened, it is not permission. It's "I don't want to fight about it anymore." As sad as divorce is, I agree with NewAndScared. I might not file for divorce right this second, but I would put it to her as being 2 choices. Stop, or get out, so I can begin to rebuild my life, my heart, and my happiness.

IMHO
Mr. C

[NewAndScared]

That was the funniest thing I have read in a very long time!


Now if they just had the unconditional love of a puppy and forgot your mistakes as fast......

[confunktion]

Where do I start...hmmm...damn, there's a lot that's not quite clicking here. Let's step back, take a breath, and prioritize:

1) Figure out how you really feel about this. I'm really not sure from your post, because I see a lot of hesitancy and indecision. Do you like the fact that she is blowing other guys and wants to take the next step without you, or is this getting out of control and making you feel trampled on by this runaway "sex-on-the-side" train? Take some time for yourself and meditate on it. Once you've got that...

2) Communicate your feelings to your wife. Yeah, you've talked to her already, but it just doesn't seem like the whole message is out there. You two need to sit down and hash this out before anything else happens. I'm not telling you what decision you need to come to or how you are supposed to feel - to each their own - but you need to take a position here and open up a dialogue. You'll be able to more accurately gauge how she is taking things as well, and your next steps will become clear.

I gotta be honest with you, I don't like where this is going at all. One-way ticket to Disasterville. I picture you as a little kid on a basketball court, helpless as your wife scores on you at will. The signs are as bright as a hot-pink miniskirt - I just hope you are able to step back and take an objective look before it gets removed by another guy, without your participation or attendance.

In short, take a stand. Stick up for yourself and your opinions, whatever they turn out to be. I wish you much luck and a huge-ass shot of self-esteem and courage.

Mr. Funk
Bartender, another martini, if you please.

[clearlykt]

WORRY! In our opinion she is cheating with your knowledge.

Your first question was – is this a problem. You stated several times that you were not comfortable with this. I (Mr.) have learned long ago that if it is real to you it should be real to her, where she feels so or not. This has to be addressed – and soon! You are not comfortable with her activity – end of story.

Second, if I read it correctly your fantasy was to WATCH her. This is not your fantasy; she is getting something from these guys that she is longing for. It could be several things, attention, and the idea of being desired by other men or a myriad of other possibilities.

And no, this is not normal….

[nexteltx]

So what if it's a desire to be wanted...? She was a virgin when we met I just kinda thought she wanted to explore...I'm not sure what to think...So it definetely sounds like she's doing this for herself and not our fantasies...? Thats what you all are kinda saying...

[NewAndScared]

This is a great example of uncontrolled fantasy and the lack of reality dealing with online relationships. This is how many children and housewifes are getting into trouble. It starts with just an innocent friendship then develops into an emotional dump of feelings that you would not share in real life. This person does not exist. You will never meet them. Then artificial feelings and desires start to develop due to the amazing ability they have to listen. They have to listen! You’re typing! Then it spirals out of control into addiction to the person and the online community. She is stuck within her own reality that she can live both lives. Unplug the computer! Or start splitting up stuff and friends…..

[2jersey]

Ditto to what was said previously. In addition, rid your mind of the mistaken impression that you had "given her permission" for the first (blowjob) encounter. There is some blame to be shared, but in no way did you give her your approval to go out, get drunk and blow this man.

[nexteltx]

Wow I was afraid of this reaction...I guess I knew it thats why I'd been all upset...I just don't want to believe it...And it's pretty unanomous feedback...What am I going to say to her that I haven't before...? Is there no doubt about her intentions...?

[NewAndScared]

Originally Posted by nexteltx

Wow I was afraid of this reaction...I guess I knew it thats why I'd been all upset...I just don't want to believe it...And it's pretty unanomous feedback...What am I going to say to her that I haven't before...? Is there no doubt about her intentions...?

Unless we are all missing someting, she is trying to cheat without losing you. I agree with above that you will be run over the rest of your life. Too late to turn back!

We need Intuitions feedback on this one. If she says dump her than you are in trouble.

[TeamSoBe]

Originally Posted by nexteltx

So it definetely sounds like she's doing this for herself and not our fantasies...?

If you're communicating poorly with her then she may not be aware of that. One way to interpret what you wrote is that you enjoy what's going on and you're allowing it. She has kept you informed and repeatedly asked permission and your response has been to go "okay sure, well ... I don't know, twist my arm..." She probably thinks you're getting off on it just like she is. Even I think that you're getting off on it just like she is.

A guy who I met recently who shares my love for watching the little wife act like a slut, told me a story at a party after fucking my wife senseless got him to open up about his fantasies. One time this co-worker of his wife somehow found out that they swing and started sniffing around and making hints that he'd like some. But he wanted to just see her, not a threesome. So the couple completely played the guy for their fantasy. She agreed and made the guy feel like it was a one-time, totally clandestine meeting. In reality her husband was hiding in the closet the whole time and he saw and heard everything. All three of them thought it was INSANELY hot and the guy never even found out that he had been monitored. And no he never got a second visit.

[CandPinSA]

Originally Posted by nexteltx

Wow I was afraid of this reaction...I guess I knew it thats why I'd been all upset...I just don't want to believe it...And it's pretty unanomous feedback...What am I going to say to her that I haven't before...? Is there no doubt about her intentions...?

If you really want to watch her with another man... tell her "I'll go with you, or pack a bag before you leave." then go to wal-mart (every town in US has one now don't they?) and get new locking doorknobs and deadbolts. Disconnect the doorbell and don't answer the door when she knocks. Let 'him' take care of her and house her and whatever.... then let it be his problem to deal with when she does the same to him. Sorry.... I hate the idea of being in your position. And in my phylosophy (for what that's worth) the sooner you can start putting your own happiness first again, the better.

Put your foot down man. It's not a game she's playing. It's not a sex toy she's playing with... neither you nor the other guy. IT'S A COUPLE OF REAL HEARTS AND A HUGE SET OR REAL EMOTIONS! If she won't let you go with her, and won't stop... then..... there's the freaking door! Drop you key on the coffee table on your way out. ..... and here's your suitcase.... don't forget it. You'll need when you find a place to stay.

C