Wife playing alone and I'm not sure I'm ok with it

[CandPinSA]

Originally Posted by nexteltx

Well I have to go pick her up from work...I know I got alot of good advice...It's just overwhelming a little...Uh it's just a little hurtful to sense the direction this is headed and I was just looking for anyone's and everyone's advice...Anything that I could point out for someone to say "It's all good" to remove this weight...I don't think I'll say anything tonight...

Oh and the marriage is like half and half we both have respect as far as that...I'm certain that if I approached her and asked her to stop I believe she would...I just don't want to do that if I'm over-reacting...Anyway Thanks to those who didn't make light of the situation...

If you're still around.... have her get on this website and read read read read read read, especially the New Swingers and the FAQ forums. There's A LOT of information there, including very detailed descriptions of what swingers consider swinging and cheating. Mrs. P and I know this well... we ARE new to experiencing the lifestyle, but before engaging in any activities, we've been reading these forums quite a bit and getting all the information we can. It has helped us greatly to understand many questions we had.

Mr C

[NewAndScared]

Just have her read what you just told us!

head bang

[CandPinSA]

Originally Posted by nexteltx

I'm certain that if I approached her and asked her to stop I believe she would...

Obviously, no she wouldn't. As your original post points out. See below:

Originally Posted by nexteltx

On Monday she asked me again and after 4 times of saying no she wouldn’t let up so I said okay whatever…

She didn't stop when you said flad out "NO" 4 times.

Originally Posted by nexteltx

Anyway Thanks to those who didn't make light of the situation...

No one here makes light of a situation like this that I am aware. In fact, no swingers I've ever know or read of make light of cheating at all. Nor do they make light of others in a relationship experiencing the kind of problems you described. There may have been some light banter going on, but trust me, no one takes it lightly... I'm sure.

Absolutely very sincerely,
Mr. C AND Mrs. P

[slolrner]

He may have made light of it but the best advise so far has been:

You say that "she's planning to meet again this Saturday night but for actual intercourse…" In other words, she's sort of "lifting her leg in the direction of your furniture," but she hasn't actually started spraying the sofa yet. Now's the time you have to make some noise! In as loud and authoritative voice as you can muster, tell her, "NO!...STOP!" and wave a rolled-up newspaper at her. Sure, it will startle her. She may even try to do it again a few moments later, at which time you repeat the commands "NO! STOP!" over again. Repeat as often as necessary.

Like it or not you will have to be the man here, it is your responsibility to let this puppy know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. In my mind craping all over the house is not acceptable behavior, and it will get worse if you don't stop it now.

JnCC great post

[intuition897]

Okay, I've read through the entire thread (WOW! I can't believe how many responses to this in only a day), and nexteltx you have received some pretty good advice. I don't know if you are a troll or not, and I don't care. Please don't take offense at the insinuation; we get a few trolls every now and then here, trying to stir shit up and prove some unfathomable point. :rollseyes Anyway, I'm just going to answer your post seriously, because sooner or later, troll or no some other guy out there is going to come to this board and be dealing with this exact same dilemma.

Your wife is manipulating you. The world is just a-revolvin' around her right now, and the only reason she would care about others' feelings on the matter is because NOT caring about other people is a bad thing...and she doesn't want to be a bad person. Because HER quality of life is what is most important to her. Being nice to other people (ie: you) means she gets to be able to say that she is a kind and generous person. Ultimately, this desire to be a good person, a good planetary citizen, is rooted in her vanity, in her ego.

I recognize it, because I used to be this way. Oh yeah, I was a selfish bitch. Mr. intuition finally gave me a reality check when he handed me back my ring and said it didn't mean anything to him anymore. To this day we don't wear wedding bands, because to us, they're symbolic of the old view we had of marriage, where we felt we owned a piece of one another somehow. I don't own any part of that amazing man. I refuse to bind him to me. I, instead, am attaching myself to HIS life, not trying to attach him to MINE. My life is forfeit. I don't give a damn anymore if I ever get all those things I dreamed about. I could live in a shack without running water, and die a happy woman...as long as I know that this is the life that is best for HIM. Whither thou goest, my love, I will go.

nexteltx, this is the kind of love you need. It's the kind of relationship you both deserve. Scrap the marriage. Throw out the old way, because it sure as shit isn't working for you. Have an epiphany, grab your moment, take BACK the life you are squandering on complacency and be the man you've always known you could be. Stop treating your wife like she's your wife, and start treating her like the adult she's supposed to be. If she's not adult enough to handle caring about someone else more than she cares about her own self, then she's not ready for an adult relationship as serious as marriage. Period.

Don't wait. I wasted 9 years of my life...of Mr. intuition's life...not treating him the way he should be treated, not feeling the love that was right there - right fucking there! - for the taking. And every moment of those 9 years is a moment I cannot get back. I regret that bitterly, because the way I feel now...this feeling is so big...there aren't enough moments left in one lifetime to do it justice. She's right there. Giving her your still-beating heart on a silver platter to do with what she will, while asking her to please, please not hurt you, is probably the stupidest thing you could do. But you know what? Nobody ever said love was easy. If you want it, if you really want it, this is exactly what she needs you to do. And make sure she understands the gravity of this thing you are giving her.

This probably didn't make sense to anyone...

[Alura]

The best way to tell her how you feel, Nexteltx, may be to bring her here and let her read this thread.

Both of you need to listen to each other better. When you think something may be a "joke," ask, "Are you joking?" Make sure you really want her to do what whe suggests before you grant permission.

Unless you really like hearing the story afterwards, my guess is that you need to solve this problem as early as you can... which is now.

Mr. Alura

[LOL_OMG]

Holy shamoly Intuitions...that was awesome.

Mrs LOL

[AZ Dreaming]

Dito

You continue to blow me away with your posts, Intuition!


Thanks.....

[CandPinSA]

Originally Posted by CandPinSA

...said flad out...

and where the hell did 'flad' come from LOL what's that all about

C

[LICouple4u]

I meant to reply to this last night and forgot - sorry OP.

Early 20s, with a child and some extra weight due to said child. Is she depressed? Maybe she's hiding it from you or you can't see it, but it sounds a LOT like it to me that she's depressed. Not sure how old the child is, if it's still post partum or what.

A lot of the following is based on assumption of depression..

You tell her you love her - she doesn't believe it. After all, how could you still love her stretched out belly when you know what it looked like before?

These other online men listen to her (so she feels) because they are reading what she types. These other men tell her what she wants to hear (maybe they truly feel it or they are just saying it to get in her pants). She feels that they like her for who she is and without the obligation to say that they like her (marraige = obligation).

She's committing infidelity - period.

I know you work graveyard and she is working while you are at home with the child, but when are you spending time together? You two need to get back to spending time with each other and enjoying each other AND this beautiful child you created.

It is possible that she is addicted to this online chatting (I myself have been at times) and she just can't tear herself away from it. This IS something you can work through. It may take some time, but it can be done. You are welcome to send me a note and we can discuss this more.

We've been through this in our marriage, not the same exact thing, but something similar. I was 19 when we got married and apparently within a few hours of saying "I Do" I was expecting our first child I know how it feels to be young with a child, hubby working long hours, etc. Fast forward - we're about to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary and are more able to work through issues now vs our 1st wedding anniversary. Some of it comes along with life experience and maturity, no doubt, but that's not something an early 20's person tends to want to hear

I wish you guys luck! If you made it through this note - congrats

[NewAndScared]

[quote=intuition897]

Intuition, the depth of your posts amazes me.

[CandPinSA]

[quote=NewAndScared]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Intuition, the depth of your posts amazes me.

You still here spending WAY TOO much time on this board? LOL Me too... and I agree... Intuition, your ability to look into a story/situation and read it, analyse it, and offer deeply thought inspiring commentary, is truly amazing.

C

[HappyPeople]

What ever it is, it doesn't sound safe... Meeting someone on the internet and going off with them alone to get drunk and have sex is not safe. Should you both agree that she continue doing this, I strongly advise her to meet up with the men somewhere safer. A swing club might be a good place since there are other people around.

[TL31]

Everyone has given great advice here. I can only say the same thing you really need to talk to each other not at or around each other. My husband and I got married in our early 20's and had all 3 of our kids within the first 4 years. I stayed at home while he worked long hours. It cause alot of issues with each other because instead of talking to each other we talked around or at. We both started spending more time online then with each other and it hurt our marriage. I know from my point I thought key word there is thought. I thought I was getting more attention from the people I talked to online then from my own husband. We both look back at it now and shake our heads.
We know now if we had just took the time to sit down and talk to each other we would have save alot of heart ache in the long run. Its been 9 1/2 years together now and we are still learning everyday new things to keep our marriage on the right road. But if you can sit down and talk be as open as you can with each other hold nothing back. You 2 might find out there is a problem that she is trying to fix by being online with these other guys. And hopefully you can fix it and move on to a better place in your marriage.
I hope that helps you I know a bit of what you are going through and it breaks my heart to see others hurting in that way.