My husband wants us to swing separately - Does everybody do this?

[swing_cpl2]

Hi,

My husband and I have been in the lifestyle now for a short period of time. First we started off having threesomes with another guy. I guess to sort of make me feel more comfortable with all of this. They went well and we had lots of fun with it. Next we tried the threesomes with other girls, and just the same they went very well. We then moved on to couples, met some really great people and had a fun time. Now my husband wants to do more of the me on my own thing and him on his own... I am a little un-easy about this. I thought swingers had fun because it was something we did as a couple. He tells me that almost all swingers have no problem with their wife going off on her own to play or the guy going off on his own to play. He tells me it's just part of the fair and open trading. I am still now too comfortable with this. Maybe is the other woman knew me and I knew her and it was something we were all cool with I would be ok. But it's hard to find women like that. He thinks he needs to act like a single man and sweet talk them and have a one night fling this way. To me this is wrong because he is leading them on and who knows they might get upset or jealous and then cause problems for us, even though it's something I know about. Has anyone else ever had to dela with this type of scenerio? Is going off on one's own just another part of the "game"? Are most wives comfortable with this? I really hope I get some good input. Thanks!!!
Mary

[VegasLee]

First off if you are not comfortable with something then DON'T do it. That is the first rule of couples swinging. You only do what you BOTH are comfortable with.

Married men should not be running around pretending to be single in this lifestyle. That is not normal I don't care what your husband says about other swingers. He does not appear to know much about other swingers.

Laura and I will party with others at the club without being together but we are both at the club. We do not go out pretending to be single, we don't "date" others at all anywhere. We go to the club together and find people that we might want to party with. Couples and singles. Now we don't tend to party with couples often and there is many single guys there that want to party with Laura so she might go to a room and party with them while I am off doing other things but we are both there, together and never pretending to be something we are not, SINGLE!

Never do anything that causes drama with the two of you or anyone else. This is not about doing things you are not comfortable with or causes drama. This is about BOTH of you having fun in ways that you both can agree on.

Also, don't ever do something because someone thinks others do it. Even if they do that does not mean it is for you.

Time to sit him down, talk to him and let him know you don't like the way this is heading. If nothing else have him come read this thread so he can see that other swingers DO NOT ACT SINGLE.

Good luck to you.

[Spoomonkey]

Dito to Lee...

No - this is not what "most" women do - nor is it what "most" couples are comfortable with. And even if it IS what most couples do - it doesn't mean that it is what you should do. You shouldn't feel "peer pressure" to do certain things within swinging - you should do what works for you and your spouse.

Mrs Spoomonkey and I do not play separate. It is the one rule that we just can't bend. We have tried it before and it wasn't something that we enjoyed. It wasn't for us - and that's good enough for me.

Personally, I would back off until you can both agree. Swinging just isn't worth the hassle - and if he is trying to manipulate you into doing something uncomfortable, it is time to take away his chew toy...

Spoomonkey

[swing_cpl2]

Thank you VegasLee for that imput. This makes me feel a little bit better. When you two go to the clubs you mean swing clubs right? I think this is something that would be easier for me to handle even if he was in one room having fun and I was in another because everyone there is there for the same reason and everyone knows there are no commitments or anything else other than some fun. There are many things I am willing to try and sometimes he makes me feel like I am really not be open minded. But this whole thing of going off on our own just doesn't get me excited unless perhaps we were in a swing club as you described.
Thank you!
Mary

[swing_cpl2]

Sometimes it just feels like there has been so many changes. At first it was we were going to do everything together and as a couple. And now that we have it feels like that is not good enough and now he wants to go of on his own. I don't want to be alone with anyone, personally. Part of my excitement is just knowing that he is watching me and having fun too. But trying to imagine me at home while he is off with another woman who thinks he's single is just not fun for me at all. But he acts like I am all of the sudden getting jealous and possesive and not being a "true swinger"........ I really don't want to end the fun or in any matter spoil it for him but I just want to feel the security of doing this together.

[TLO7777]

But he acts like I am all of the sudden getting jealous and possesive and not being a "true swinger"........ I really don't want to end the fun or in any matter spoil it for him but I just want to feel the security of doing this together.

"True Swingers":

- go as slow as the slowest participant needs to.

- don't pressure their partner or others into doing something they don't want to.

- put their primary relationship first in all things.

- communicate clearly and are considerate of the feelings of all parties involved.

Perhaps you could invite him to read this thread?

My partner and I also won't swing apart. There's nothing at all wrong with those that do, but both people need to be comfortable with this. Pushing the boundries of your comfort zone is a good thing when it's exhilirating for everyone involved. It's not a good thing when any participant feels hurt or dishonored.

Wishing you the best...
Dante
--
YoungMauiCouple @ SLS

[good times]

Dito what Vegaslee and Spoomonkey said, great advice as usual. I actually know very few couples that will play seperately in the way that your husband would like to. We will play in seperate rooms occasionally but we are always "in the same building" and we have a rule that either we both play or neither one of us does. The important thing is that if either one of you are not comfortable doing something, then don't do it.

[VegasLee]

Yes, I meant swing clubs. We are very busy people and we like to party so we are at the club every week. Saves time dealing with online trolls and such. Works well for us. If we are in a social mood, we hang out, if we are in a play mood, we play. That is the great thing about the clubs, most times there is something for everyone.

[TNT]

I'll triple Dito Lee, Spoomonkey and Mr. GT...

When at a social, club or house party we will play separately. One of us staying at home while the other goes out...Nope, probably will never happen, we have too much fun together. Should at some point in the future we decided together that this is something that we want to do, it would be because it was a mind game/fantasy between Ted and I and the other person would definitely know and understand this and that we felt they were special enough to play along with us.

I have played once without Ted...it was a very special circumstance with a man that we both have been friends with for close to 20 years, who was spending the weekend with us. Ted had to leave the house for a short while and it had been discussed well in advance that it was okay to play without him there. Although it was an enjoyable time for myself and also enjoyable for Ted to hear about it once he got home there was still something missing for me...Ted.

Like the others have said, you only do what you are comfortable with. There are couples who play separately but, the ones that I know of that do, don't act single and those that they play with are also swingers and/or know exactly what's going on.

Teresa

[sexyshelby]

My boyfriend and I do play separately, but only due to convenience (we dont live near each other). However, we have discussed the issue, know our limits and rules and are both ok with this situation. It works for us, for now anyway.
So, there are some couples who do this. But, as you can see, many couples (probably most) only play together. If you are uncomfortable with the idea, then don't do it. It's that simple.

From here, I'll just Dito everyone else, rather than waste my type retyping everything that the experts have already said. Surrender

~SS

[Alura]

When we were new in swinging, some twenty years ago, we heard of the excitement some people get when their spouses go out on their own and have sex with others, much like some singles do.

Mrs. Alura met an attractive man and we decided to give it a try. Frankly, it was a huge disappointment. She successfully got laid but found the experience underwhelming. The guy was not a "bad lover" but neither did she get a thrill. I also got no thrill when she told me all about it later. We decided it was a waste of time and never tried it again.

Years later we decided to try a somewhat different "on your own" experience when we agreed to each try to "seduce" our high school sweethearts at our class reunions. I was successful, but Mrs. Alura's HSS must have been dumb as a rock because he never seemed to understand what was being offered to him. All she got was a tongue-kiss which surprised the hell out of him.

Mrs. Alura was pleased with my success which was a lot of fun for me, probably more so because my HSS and I hadn't had sex back then... well, not intercourse, anyway.

We'll probably never try it again... well... unless her HSS wises up at a future reunion. She has retained the right to do it if she wants to. There is no need for me to play with my HSS again.

Certainly, we would never lie to someone... pretend to be single, etc. Life is too short for such nonsense. Besides, here in Oklahoma, we have a "concealed carry" gun law so you never know who's packin' a shootin' iron.

Have you considered that if your husband is willing to lie to other women that he might do the same to you should it suit his needs?

Frankly, your husband pisses me off.

Mr. Alura

[fun4Ds]

we talked about this yesterday and mrs.fun was quite pissed and said a lot of stuff that i cant post. yes this morning she is still quite pissed about this one. i feel that you shouldn't do what you are not comfortable with. acting single? that is way to big of a leap for us. we think you should put your foot down on this one! untill this is something you can agree on and do together.

[Sweet_Candy]

Dito to all! Very good insight into our way of seeing the LS as well. We are in this together.

[dayhiker]

Originally Posted by swing_cpl2

He thinks he needs to act like a single man and sweet talk them and have a one night fling this way.

Hi Swing cpl2,
I'm going to share a thought I had when I read this line. Its centered on the sweet talk part. He might be missing the flirting and ego boost once gets from flirting and all the nice things that are said in that process. Have you guys started swinging and you didn't / don't do a lot of flirting but just look for couples you can be sexual with? Maybe he is learning its not the extra sex that he was really looking for in getting into swinging? Maybe its all the flirting and impling that he's wanted leading up to sex that he is looking for.
If you feel this is it, I think you can provide that. Instead of looking at finding a couple to swing with like your buying a car. Where you looking at style, mantience record, MPG, etc. Talk it up like in a way that is flirt and an ego boost for him. Things like oh I bet she is going to want you. Your oral will sure get her off. I'll be so ready for you when we get together.

Well, I hope I communicated the idea that came to me. Could that be it?
dayhiker

[Alura]

Dayhiker has made a good point. If your husband is simply missing the flirting and interaction of "the chase," his needs may be filled by "seducing" a couple. That has always been one of our favorite parts of swinging.

This is an idea worth exploring.

Mr. Alura