Wife wants to be with another man alone- I don't know how to handle this. HELP!

[dr&mrs@px]

I am very new to the swinging thing. My new wife on the other hand was a swinger for several years with her previous husband. For the first time she confided in me that she as a desire to have sex with another man by herself. She says its a curiosity. I dont know how to handle this. I love my wife want our marriage to work. Please help me to understand this better. We talked about it last night and this morning I feel worse than I did before we talked. I am ok with bringing in other couples to share and enjoy sexually but it seems selfish and wrong and not good for a loving relationship to just go and have sex with someone without your partner. I genuinely want to understand and be ok with this. HOW???? HELP!!!!

[NaughtyKitten]

We are pretty new to this also but I would say that communicatioin and respect for your partners wishes are at the top of my list of importance. I know that my hubby would not be comfortable with me meeting a guy alone. We even have a single guy friend that he is very comfortable with and still wouldn't want me to meet him alone. That is a perfectly reasonable request, in my opinion. Maybe in time our feelings will change, and maybe yours will too, but for the time being it is a no go for us. I think you should tell her how uncomfortable this makes you and ask for her understanding.

Communication, communication, communication......If you are not ok with it, then you are not ok with it.....that's it. Many couples have this rule....you are not alone.

Good luck and don't feel bad that you don't want to do this. It's ok.

[BradAndJanet]

It can be difficult when one partner brings up the subject of swinging for the first time, particularly when only one of the pair has any experience with it.

First off, you need to get her to agree that she won't actually do anything until you are comfortable with it, if that ever happens. Next, you should educate yourself as much as possible about swinging and swingers. I can't think of a better place than this board and we will try to help you as much as possible. Getting Started is one link you should visit, as well as checking out other threads in the New Swingers forum.

Then, talk at length with your wife about what she wants, why she wants it, how you will be involved, how you feel about it, etc. Ask her to tell you how it will improve your relationship, or at least not hurt it, for example. Find out, if you don't know, how she and her ex started swinging, why they did and whether it contributed to their breakup.

Come back and ask your questions here. There are a lot of people who will share their advice and experiences with you.

-B

[todafun]

Speaking from personal experience, you two need to discuss swinging in a lot more detail. Be totally honest, even if it might be hurtful to your spouse. If you hide your true feelings, it will fester inside of you & cause great problems for your relationship! It is hard to be completely honest at first, at least it was for me. I told my husband that I wanted to be with another man, and that I had been thinking about him for a week. I also told my husband that the "other man" made me feel something that my husband did not. That was hard to tell my hubby, but now we can be totally honest, and I feel so much better! If you don't want her to be alone with the other man, have you ever thought of watching them? It is a big turn on for some. Be honest and chat with her. Setting limits and talking about "what if" situations is always a good bet in my opinion.

[NakedInSeattle]

Agree with all the above. In addition, I'd like to add that if she wants to go ahead with another man by herself knowing that you are bothered by it, then you have a bigger problem, my friend. No partner should do anything that is not agreed upon by all and all are comfy with.

As has been said time and again on this board - go at the pace of the slowest partner.

[dr&mrs@px]

I wanted to thank you all for replying. I will try all of the above and hope for the best. What's the worst thing that could happen? She does him anyway. There are no such thing as secrets. I hope she lets us go slow so I can learn to enjoy this situation rather than reject it.

[starlinn]

Originally Posted by NakedInSeattle

Agree with all the above. In addition, I'd like to add that if she wants to go ahead with another man by herself knowing that you are bothered by it, then you have a bigger problem, my friend. No partner should do anything that is not agreed upon by all and all are comfy with.

As has been said time and again on this board - go at the pace of the slowest partner.

Dito to this..if all do not agree, it is a no go. There should be no hurt feelings.

[BethandTom]

Just my opinion but your wife needs to honor how you feel about this; especially since you mentioned you are still newly married. This could tear your marriage apart. Talk to her open and honestly and if she still insists she wants to do this - there are serious problems in your new marriage. She needs to respect your feelings.

[Paramour2_99]

You don't need to discuss a thing. You should recognize that swinging is wrong,,,,point blank. Don't come to this forum expecting understanding. All you will get is instruction on how to pull it off.

The relationship you have with your wife is a Holy bond between you, God and her. Your gut is telling you something isn't right and you need no more intuition than that to know what you have to do.

You may need to check your wife out to see why she want's to swing. Chances are if she's got the nerve to tell you she want's another guy then her and this guy may be tired of hotels fees behind your back.

I tell ya what, tell her "honey that sounds like a good idea and that you've had your eye on her sister and maybe the four of you can hook-up and see what happens,,,lollol.

Sincerely "X" Swinger

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by Paramour2_99

You don't need to discuss a thing. You should recognize that swinging is wrong,,,,point blank. Don't come to this forum expecting understanding. All you will get is instruction on how to pull it off.

If you take time to read these forums you will find there is 1000's of posts telling may people that swinging is not or may not be right for them. It is not for everyone. No lifestyle is. You will learn that in time.

The relationship you have with your wife is a Holy bond between you, God and her. Your gut is telling you something isn't right and you need no more intuition than that to know what you have to do.

Most people do not marry God. He is not part of all relationships. In time you are just going to have to accept this fact.

You may need to check your wife out to see why she want's to swing. Chances are if she's got the nerve to tell you she want's another guy then her and this guy may be tired of hotels fees behind your back.

The chances of this are about as good that YOU are the man that she wants to have sex with. You back making those left fielded assumptions again. You seem to have a real problem dealing with facts.

I tell ya what, tell her "honey that sounds like a good idea and that you've had your eye on her sister and maybe the four of you can hook-up and see what happens,,,lollol.

So far you have proven that you have problems with facts, comedy and preaching. I PRAY you have a good day job. I don't like to see anyone have problems taking care of their OWN lives in this world.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Paramour2_99

You should recognize that swinging is wrong,,,,point blank.

Swinging IS wrong for couples who are not right for it. It takes a lot of introspection and communication to make the leap from fantasy to swinging. However, if you have the type of relationship that can handle it, swinging is a healthy, exciting enhancement to an already blessed and fulfilling marriage*

Originally Posted by Paramour2_99

Don't come to this forum expecting understanding.

Actually, James - that is exactly what you get here. Except for the occassional pharisee, you will not find judgement or condemnation. We save our harshest words for those who, through the guise of "swinging", put others in physical or emotional risk (see various threads on cheaters... I think they tend to get the brunt of it... People who lie to their spouses and sneak around behind their backs - those types...).

As for the original question, as a couple you have to establish boundaries that you are BOTH comfortable with. She needs to accept your comfort zones and honor those. Without doing so, swinging can be disasterous.

Spoomonkey

*by marriage I mean commited relationship

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Paramour2_99

You don't need to discuss a thing. You should recognize that swinging is wrong,,,,point blank. Don't come to this forum expecting understanding. All you will get is instruction on how to pull it off.

The relationship you have with your wife is a Holy bond between you, God and her. Your gut is telling you something isn't right and you need no more intuition than that to know what you have to do.

You may need to check your wife out to see why she want's to swing. Chances are if she's got the nerve to tell you she want's another guy then her and this guy may be tired of hotels fees behind your back.

I tell ya what, tell her "honey that sounds like a good idea and that you've had your eye on her sister and maybe the four of you can hook-up and see what happens,,,lollol.

Sincerely "X" Swinger

You know, if your posts reflect your own experiences and attitudes (yours and your wife's as well as the other unfortunates that you've met), it's no wonder you're as bitter and delusional as you are. Yeah, I said delusional!! Do you really believe that your experiences are the norm for swingers? Speaking from personal experience, I've never encountered anything - or anyone - remotely like what you've described. Ok, there are some misguided people actually living the lifestyle (you were admittedly one of them, I guess, for something like 10 years, and birds of a feather...), but if we noticed someone had a shitty attitude about swinging, we never pursued them! In fact, given a chance, we would have loved to suggest that maybe they needed to rethink their priorities! Of course, it's never polite to do so (as their relationship is their own business and no one else's), so we simply withdraw and hope they figure this stuff out on their own.

dr&mrs@px - Sorry for getting off on a tangent there, but Paramour likes to bait me and I just can't seem to help myself. I am hopelessly drawn. <EG>

I feel that you have come to the right place for understanding and perspective. It's sometimes difficult for those who have grown comfortable with swinging to remember what it was like when swinging wasn't so comfortable. She understands it, she knows she's ok with it, but she has trouble remembering what it was like to believe that the quality/quantity of your love was relative to the degree of devotion to sexual exclusivity with each other. She has since tossed that value system out the window. I think the scariness of this idea horrifies many people. They gasp in shock, "But whatever will become of the marriage?! There will be nothing left!" Our philosophy is that if that's all the marriage is made of, count yourselves both lucky that you figured that out so you could put things to rights. It means that, yeah! you have to deal with it now. You can't pretend that problems don't exist anymore. It means you find out exactly what it is that holds your relationship together, what it's lacking, what it's strengths are, and whether or not you both want to salvage and restore it, build on what you have, or cut your losses and part amiably.

Perhaps there are some who don't understand why anyone would want to rock the boat like this; it's true, your marriage could survive an entire lifetime of contentedness if you didn't open Pandora's Box. Some people are perfectly happy never knowing the Bottom Line. Others, however, prefer to pursue absolute truth, whatever it may be, and know for certain that this relationship with their spouse is exactly what it is without gloss or pretense. Then they KNOW. It is resolved. It is solid. It is as absolute as a relationship can be between two imperfect human beings. This knowledge is unbelievably liberating. When others worry that their spouse is having an affair, if you have achieved this level of communication with your own spouse, you will sit beside this friend of yours and feel sorry that she would not know this about her husband already.

dr&mrs@px, you mentioned that she's "doing him already". Is she in fact having sex with him? An affair? Do you know this, or are you assuming it? It's difficult to give advice without knowing what your wife's experiences were in the lifestyle. If her experiences were like those in Paramour's post, I would strongly recommend NOT pursuing it until you can both build yourselves and your relationship up to it. The most important thing you can do is to express how threatening this feels to you. She needs to understand that if you are to learn to love swinging, you need time and patience from her to ease into it at your own pace, and learn about it. Moving slowly and without pressure is the key. I wouldn't automatically assume that she's having sex with the guy if she's merely mentioned an interest in doing so; thinking and doing are two different things and one doesn't always have to preclude the other.

The other thing I'll say is that allowing her to go out on her own to screw some other guy probably isn't a great way to start! You'll only feel neglected, left out, abandonned, unwanted, unloved...resentful. If she expects you to join her in her views of swinging, she should be supporting you right now, making you feel like her knight in shining armour. She should be reassuring you of your place in her life and her heart. It's okay to let her know if you're feeling any of those things I mentioned above. She might be simply assuming that, since you're a guy, you understand that love and sex aren't the same thing (right?), and that you're always horny so you'd understand. I think gender-based assumptions like this can be pretty dangerous; although I've heard it's easier for men to differentiate between love and fun sex, it's not as automatic as is commonly believed I think. See if you can find out what she's thinking and feeling about this stuff.

Long post. Sorry. Hope I've helped some. Please keep us updated!

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by dr&mrs@px

I wanted to thank you all for replying. I will try all of the above and hope for the best. What's the worst thing that could happen? She does him anyway. There are no such thing as secrets. I hope she lets us go slow so I can learn to enjoy this situation rather than reject it.

Seems to me there is a total lack of respect for you from her if she is doing this against your wishes.

If I follow this right it is CHEATING not swinging and as such should be dealt with as a marital problem.

If this were Mrs. Chicup, she would be out on her ass.

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by BradAndJanet

Then, talk at length with your wife about what she wants, why she wants it, how you will be involved, how you feel about it, etc. Ask her to tell you how it will improve your relationship, or at least not hurt it, for example. Find out, if you don't know, how she and her ex started swinging, why they did and whether it contributed to their breakup.

Come back and ask your questions here. There are a lot of people who will share their advice and experiences with you.

-B

Excellant advice!! I would want to know why she wants to be alone with another man? Did she do that when her and her first husband were swinging. Plus, hasn't she had opportunities to know what it like to be with a different man alone? Like in dating .... in meeting her first husband.... in meeting you. There have been plenty of opportunities to be "alone" with a man. I know I have had them and we swing now because we like to see each other enjoy sex. We NEVER swing alone or in separate rooms. What's the point in that?

Do let us know how it goes. You have gotten lots of advice here so take advantage of it. Maybe you can get her to read this board too and find out for herself the pros and cons of what can happen.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[starlinn]

Originally Posted by Paramour2_99

I tell ya what, tell her "honey that sounds like a good idea and that you've had your eye on her sister and maybe the four of you can hook-up and see what happens,,,lollol.

Sincerely "X" Swinger

And you call swingers freaks??