Incapacitated Partner

[DigginIt]

If I became incapacitated and could no longer provide any type of intimacy with my wife...I would certainly not expect her to be a nun for the rest of her life. I believe that not having sexual activity is actually unhealthy. I don't know if there is any fact behind that but I believe it to be so.

Would I want her to do it without my knowledge, no, but I trust and love my wife. There is so much more we could do as a couple outside of the bedroom to continue to build our relationship. Sex is not the relationship but something in the relationship that we do.

Would it be uncomfortable for me knowing that I could no longer do something for her that I truly enjoy, absolutely, but what a selfish bastard I would be to condemn her to my fate because of jealously.

Just my thoughts.

[Alura]

I pretty-much agree that an incapacitated partner should allow his/her partner freedom to find sex elsewhere.

In actual practice, though, it didn't work for us. During Laura's eight year fight with breast cancer there were times when she was just too sick for sex, which was the last thing on my mind at the time.

I would never have left her, even for an hour or so, to make it happen.

Alura

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by Alura

I would never have left her, even for an hour or so, to make it happen.

To have that kind of love for someone is such a beautiful thing. You are such a beautiful person.

It's so easy to think of what we would do in theory but the reality of it is so much different.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by ALilOEverything

To have that kind of love for someone is such a beautiful thing. You are such a beautiful person.

It's so easy to think of what we would do in theory but the reality of it is so much different.

I agree.

I think there's different realities here though.

If my wife had some bad illness that wasn't going to go away, and was slowly killing her, yes I'd have a hard time going off having sex with another woman rather than being at her side. I would want every minute I could have with her. That's one reality.

If it was something that wasn't terminal, but prevented her from having sex and didn't otherwise detract significantly from her life, then I could see it. Different reality.

More likely is that I'll pass on before my wife does. I hope she goes out and finds someone else if I do. If I should die soon, while our kids are still young, I think she should stay in swinging. I've said as much, and she's said she's not sure she would. But, she wouldn't want to start dating again until our kids are out. I've said it would be wrong to deny sexual self for years while waiting for that time. She's said she doesn't know how she could feel comfortable being a single female in the lifestyle. I've said, well, start out with some of the single men you've played with, and get them to help. It provides a door to the lifestyle, one that she can trust. She agrees that's a possibility.

I know I would NOT be happy, whether I'm alive or dead, if my wife denied her sexual essence for years because I'm incapacitated or dead. She loves sex too much, and it would be wrong to repress that. Ultimately, I think it would make her very sad to repress it, and I think it would make her less of a good mother (and were I alive) and less of a good wife. Repressing yourself for years is a recipe for depression.

[softswingpei]

Interesting and thought provoking posts.

My wife and I talked it over and are in agreement with the concept of proxy sex. Our rules, if somebody has a permanent incapacity - ED, back problems, confined to a wheelchair but is not sick or dying, then the other spouse is free to find a partner for discreet physical only needs. The incapacitated spouse is informed and must approve first. Priority is given to somebody in a couple with a similar type situation.

But this does not apply if someone is recovering from an illness - heart attack, cancer etc.

[-jb-]

I think most of us here would tell our partners to go for it. Face it.. At least half of us are voyeurs, and pretty much all of us enjoy living vicariously though others, why else hang out on a swingers forum?

[MN Tom]

Yeah, this depends greatly on the cause of the incapacitation.

If it's due to some long term debillitating illness, it's likely neither spouse would want sex anyway. If it's some minor illness that for some reason manifests in no desire or performance yet isnt being fixed, then it's a different matter.

[lotsoffun201]

We have discussed this very scenario from time to time. A few weeks ago we were at a club where they allowed single males. We met a nice looking couple from out of town and it appeared the husband went around the club finding single males for his wife. One after another, after another. In talking with them, it became apparent the husband was quite ill with cancer and I can assume didn't have much time left. We didn't discuss much with him but did notice no participation on his part at all. We could only assume he was unable to perform and wanted his wife happy.

Also, if you can recall a movie called Absolute Power with Clint Eastwood, the sub plot of the movie addressed this very situation of one partner being unable to perform sexually due to infirmity.

[exploringRM]

As long as everything is out in the open we have no problem with the idea of finding some fun with another. We are in that situation right now. I'm on chemo-therapy and between potential immune deficiency and lack of interest/energy I have no problems with my wife playing. I do get out socially on non-treatment weeks. Wife went to a m&g this past friday (I was a zombie due to treatment) and another couple (friends) drove her there and back. They pulled off into a parking lot on the way home and had some fun (pre-planned)! Hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be back into the fun!

[sweetandspicy]

I have lived this for nearly 15 years. We had just started to swing when my hubby got brain cancer. To make a long story short, after a very long and dreadful time he is much better now. But one of the side effects is his loss of sex drive. We are working on that and we have come pretty far, but there came a time recently, after being a virtuous wife, where I got totally turned on by a stranger to the point that my knees got weak. I spent many days talking with God and finally told my husband that I loved him but could not go the rest of my life without hot feverish sex. He was not happy.
He has been trying and I still love his body and what he can do with his amazing tongue, but, and I would love help with this, please, if anyone can, he has developed a very unarousing habit of giggling uncontrollable when I approach him. Last night I went to unzip his pants so I could blow him. It got so bad we played scrabble instead
Back to the topic: No, my husband would not want me to have sex without him. I, on the other hand have a different view. I would encourage him and, to be a part of it, I would like him to tell me all about it, after all, good sex starts in the mind. Pictures and videos would be a plus!

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by sweetandspicy

. . . Pictures and videos would be a plus!

As I read through your message, several thoughts run through my mind. But this last sentence seems to make no connection with the rest of your story. In what way, please tell me, would pictures of video help? And to what kind of pictures and video are you referring?

[Alura]

Originally Posted by ALilOEverything

To have that kind of love for someone is such a beautiful thing. You are such a beautiful person.

What a wonderful compliment, LilO! Coming from you, it's even more special.

Thank you!

Alura

[sweetandspicy]

Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple

As I read through your message, several thoughts run through my mind. But this last sentence seems to make no connection with the rest of your story. In what way, please tell me, would pictures of video help? And to what kind of pictures and video are you referring?

Pictures and videos to go along with the stories my husband would tell me about his escapades. Sorry for the miscommunication.