Problems with our "open" marriage...What would you do?

[curiouscpl72]

hey all, its been months since posting, but have been luring here and there...

to get to the matter at hand...My DH and I had decided mostly because we can;t get a sitter most of the time, to try our hand at an open marriage.It was fun and exciting for me at first, and he didn't get too much action but kept saying he was a patient man, which he is.Finally he started a relationship with the female half of a couple we swing with, although now they are divorcing.This makes me very uncomfortable as she turns to my DH for all kinds of support, emotional and otherwise.This is not ok with me....they have a strong bond,and I feel it goes beyond physical tho both claim to have no interest in each other besides the sex.He waited til I was asleep one night, and told me he was going out for cigarettes then went to her house for ...well who knows his reasoning.I was awake and wondering why he would be gone a half hour to get smokes then did a bad thing by checking his facebook( by this time I was hurt by their relationship and the major thing that the attention I was craving from him he gave to her...I know dramdrama..)I saw that they had had a conversation and he was seeing her.If he hadn't lied to me I probably would have been all right with this,but now a seed has been planted in my mind that they are more than fb's especially when he sneaks around....another night he was chatting online with her claimed to be talking to someone elses and it was her(I had checked again) now this here shows my jealousy, and inability to accept them as nothing more than fb's,I am ashamed of my behavior and inability to trust him.I also said we had to stop the "open" marriage for it was jeapordizing our relationship.Next step for me was to tell him to stop contacting her...she had a couple messages where she stated she loved him and he had told her one night on the phone "luv you" which to me throwing around the l word is unacceptable.I asked him how he would feel if he heard me tell some dud I was with that I loved him he said yea i get you.But he claims they are just "friends"...she claimed she was my friend but what kind of friend can you be by telling your best friends husband you love him?I am very confused, I have stopped swinging cold no kind of relationships like that I am trying to close pandora's box.I am not sure if there is hope left in the box after I close it.I love my husband and want this marriage I am ready to stop the swinging for good, if need be.I asked him to cut all contact with the woman he had the relationship with, i felt hurt and betrayed, and now am not sure if swinging is right for us especially if it means an open marriage.has anyone else had any kind of experience with this sort of thing? and what do you do?

[luckycple]

to me an open marriage is allowing your spouse to go off with other people and get laid. But swinging generally is something you do together. That is our rule, togetherness. This sounds like something else and I don't blame you for putting your foot down. But i think you should go out and have a good orgy or same room sex with another couple and get yourselves back on track. I always find it amazing that a woman who got divorced because, many times, her husband cheated but then they go out and try to get their claws on another married man. I hate cheaters but I think you can get this under control

[curiouscpl72]

thank you- we had an open marriage where we did just that go out and got laid...but then it changed when this couple split, we would swing with, and she became his BC, it just got to be that she was leaning on him for things other than sex.I feel you are right maybe we should go out as a couple and have a good time, see if we can't get this behind us.I appreciate your comments.He did step over the line but at the same time I was behaving like a jealous wife. we will work through this just a matter of seeing where we are at when the dust settles....

[luckycple]

Flush her out of his mind, go out and have an orgy or whatever, have a great experience, I am not judging, but I never understood the open marriage concept, I have seen too many people get split up because of it.

[VegasLee]

Cutting off contact with the offending party is the first real step and you appear to be taking that one.

You should shelve even thinking about swinging or sex with others until you and your husband build that trust factor back up.

You are running around behind his back checking on him, he is lying to you about things. You two have lost the most important pars of a relationship, trust, communication and honestly.

You have no business even thinking about swinging or having sex with others at this point until you rebuild your own relationship.

Time to shut down the "Swinging couple" and rebuild the family couple. Maybe once you rebuild you might want to think about swinging together, or not.

Swinging will NEVER fix a messed up relationship but it will sure has hell brake one up that has cracks in it already.

[luckycple]

Thanks for the "reputation" Vegas but my point is she seems to want to continue in the lifestyle and I am sure he does too, so make sure he knows now that she wants them to be together and not be alone with other people.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by luckycple

Flush her out of his mind, go out and have an orgy or whatever, have a great experience,...

I can not advise this.

As VegasLee said, this is the time to hold off on swinging/sex with others and work on the problems you're having. I would follow Lee's advice.

LM

[VegasLee]

Just because she may want to does not mean she should.

I could not believe anyone with experience would encourage her to do so.

Broken marriages have no business even thinking about swinging.

That is the problem with forums some times, people will tell people what they want to hear instead of telling them the truth. Good way to help break up a marriage.

Have you had a discussion with him about honesty?

While you may have been upset by the amount of him being consumed by the divorcee (to be?), it seems that the shit really hit the fan when he started sneaking behind your back.

(This may be because he didn't expect you to approve, or he expected you to go ballistic about it, or because he was stupid. But for the moment, give the benefit of the doubt and assume he was shielding you, not himself...)

So go back and replay his behavior with him, and explore together with him what would have happened if he had been honest.

When they talked online so much, what would have happened if he'd showed you the conversations?

What would have happened if he'd ask for permission to go to her instead of sneaking out for "smokes".

What would you have done (together) if he'd come and told you that she was falling hard? That she'd used the "L" word?

The object is not to pick fights about "should have done", but explore how you could have supported each other, set limits together, helped each other deal with madam D's pushing at (and beyond) those limits.

You've got to get back together working as a team!

[curiouscpl72]

thanks all for the advice, as for telling me what I want to hear? no body knows my mind don't assume things....At any rate I was venting, and maybe I shouldn't use an online forum for such.I have shelved this lifestyle for more than a month now,I have not been persuing anything I have closed my accounts to dating sites etc....All I can say is we enjoyed every bit of the fun we had separately and together, and know there is a time and place for everything.I am not a stupid woman and we are not going to throw away 17 years on a whim or because there was a misunderstanding.My intention is to forgive and move on from here. where we go from here is up to us on our journey, we just have to start looking in the same direction again,forward and on our children and our future.Together.

again thanks for all the words of advice, weigh what people have said carefully, was really just looking for an appropriate forum in which to bounce this off of....the written word is no replacement for a heartfelt and honest "I love you and I am sorry..."which is what I have been given, my husband and my family are a gift from above.We have weathered years of mistakes agonies and heartbreaks,this is a small chapter in a longer story.

Not picking fights,we have discussed this in length, a number of times.Mind you our marriage is far from broken, maybe shaken a bit but we have been through worse and come from darker places..this man has had my back since we were children, he does not love any but me and I the same.We would not go dallying with a group or a couple right now, we have both said we would shelve this for a time....As for the lady in question, It is with pain that I cut her from my life , for there is a history with us(she and I) and to let adrift this friendship as I said causes me sadness.I seldom post on boards,I don't want to start people down a road with me,no one knows us or our history just a couple of blurbs I or he has written over six years.

I think this may have been misleading it was one isolated incident where they had met without my being aware and as soon as I found out I contacted him he came home right away.Ive really only "checked on him" twice, in 17 years together,and this the one and ONLY time he has ever lied to me.which took me by surprise .I was more confused and hurt than anything else.I know he is contrite I know he will be honest with me from now on as I will with him....I am not an innocent party by far and have made my own mistakes I do not mean to color anyone's opinion or put myself in a victim's role.I claim responsibility in that I was not clear about my thoughts on their relationship I have as much a role in this as anyone else.This posting will be my last on the subject, as I feel like an ass for even posting on something that is already growing cold.....

[snapps]

You have a problem with it now.... but you didnt have a problem with it when you were the one getting all the action when your hubby stayed home.... lol... funny how the tables have turned huh?... You keep saying you are prepared to stop swinging for good... what yall were doing was not swinging in the least bit... you both were playing with fire... and it seems you are the one now getting burnt... Good luck though... Cant say I feel for you too much though, as I myself have gone through something similar... But, as I said, its always funny when the tables get turned around and the other person cant deal with it or handle it...

[hands4fun]

Snapps. I don't even know what to say here. I almost never post on these boards, and maybe you shouldn't as well. what possible good can come out of your hateful comments? I am so glad that people like you are such a minority in the lifestyle and the public in general. Courious, I hope all is well with you and yours, we have been there and done that and still doing it, and going on 17 years now. I love my wife like no other as she does me. That is all that really matters at the end of my day when my head hits the pillow. :-)

[Trace Ekies]

Curiouscpl72,

You come to these boards with a haphazardly told story and two questions...some of the best minds on this board (you know who you are VegasLee and LikeMinds) answer you...

The answers are not what you want to hear so you make a statement in your last post..."nobody knows my mind don't assume things".

Then you go on to thank everybody for their thoughts but that we can't know you or your hubby based on one blurb posted by "I or he"....

Then you go on to tell us it was one isolated incident and that you're as much to blame as anyone.

And you close by telling us you feel like an ass for posting on something that is already growing cold.

You must be careful when you come to Swingersboard...we WANT to help and will offer any advice that we may deem appropriate to the situation...

You cannot ask for our advice and then reject it by telling us we don't or can't understand the situation...It is YOUR job to bring us up to speed on YOUR situation so that we may offer appropriate advice.

I sincerely hope that the others have helped you in your quest for information and that whatever resolution you come to is what you want.

Trace