Dealing w/ the Green Monster

[HappyMdCpl]

Hi all... Mrs. Happy here... so things w/ my new female FWB!! really really really really well (lol)> her and i are in a blissful state. Hubby couldn't be happier for both of us.

As mentioned previously, i swing / play alone w/ her, we email and text every day, and i would say she could be considered my GF or something of that sort now.

The arrangement we worked out is on occasion, hubby joins her and i for fun/play... say once every 10 times. The fist time, they did not sleep together, and we all played intensely and had a great time. However, i did feel some funny / mild jealousy. I almost think this case is a little worse / different, since i am emotionally involved in both her and him. So, we had another get together recently. I gave my blessing for them to sleep together, I had my TOM (maybe not the best idea in hindsight), but i knew i could still play, just limited.

Hubby and i discussed everything over and over the bounds/preferences (i would like to be included as much as possible, i dont mind them kissing and being intimate, but not to do it "over kill" ie: enough to get turned on, but not so much to freak me out, ...) well, its kind of hard, she is not from the US, and is more touchy/flirty/open then i am.

It bothered me recently b/c hubby was showing her some PDA, which we later discussed was a no-no (i got jealous, but i also worry someone we know could see us since it was daylight). I also realize as much as i plan and plan and talk openly, you cant think of everything, so i need to be open minded and forgiving that way. I was fine when they had sex, b/c i was laying next to her and he had his arms around both of us, kissing us both, it was really nice actually... at the end, he pulled out and let me finish (in my mouth). It was how we discussed - beautiful i loved it.

But, then he mentioned a "round 2"... this is where things got weird, we never discussed that.. I said to him that i would like to have sex w/ him (even tho it was my TOM i put a special "device on"). he said OK, and he said "how about i "do" her a little and then finish w/ you" (since i have TOM). i said "OK" and went to the bathroom. I came back, he was "doing" her doggy style and really going at it... looking at me and happy... i hated to intrude, and i felt left out. Soooo... i layed next to her, kissing her (difficult tho) and was giving him the look like "OK, any day now, lol"... he kept going, and i got upset. Finally, he switched to me, and then ended up going soft of all things after a few mintues (granted, it was round 2, which is common for him, and it was really late). But, i still took it personally .....

So - its silly but things like this that set me off.... i was not happy last night, and the prior time, i also was not happy. I feel there is potential for this to work all around, but he needs to cooperate w/ me.... and be able to resist her openness and flirtations better. She and i are not really PDA so i feel its not fair for them. And... maybe it was a bad idea to plan the sex for when i had TOM...

Hubby and i had a argument after we dropped her off (admittedly, i was drunk, and it was waaaaaay past Mrs. Happys bedtime lol) that i feel bad about... i think i got too dramatic. I think i am taking this too personally. For him, he feels like he might insult her if he waves her hand away when she reaches out to hold his/tickle his, and she likes kissing him, and im fine w/ them doing that but to a point (to get turned on mostly)...

So i guess my question is.... how do i deal w/ this jealously? Does it sound like its never giong to work involving my hubby? He asked for another chance, and if it doesnt work then, he is fine w/ bowing out and leaving it to her and me.

The other thing is... i guess i feel like i do so much work towards her and I , and our friendship... he is involved, but i am doing tons of planning and wooing her, and i feel like he sweeps in now and then for some benefits. It makes me angry in a way.

And, her and i are planning a weekend away together, and then the 3 of us were supposed to go away together, just for a few days.... i really WANT this to work .... but i dont know if it can.... Maybe its too soon to tell...?

Also maybe it would be helpful if we include HER and let her know about our preferences/boundaries? This way she is more careful...?

I want this to be FUN. So, if i had to weigh having an occasional jealous night, and keeping my GF, and hubby both happy, VS him no longer playing and changing up the arrangement .... i think i would rather deal w/ the jealousy. I do think its a manageable level and all, and i DO think w/ communication this is something we CAN work through. Thoughts are appreciated!! : ) THANKS!

[exploringRM]

My opinion is when it get down to comparing who gets what when; measuring if one is doing more work than the other and not getting their "due", it's time to re-evaluate/re-communicate. I feel that swinging is as much about letting your partner have fun as your own fun. There have been a number of times where my wife was not able to play and I did, or the fem. half of our playmates for the evening was out of commissions and my wife played. Your situation is different from ours in that you are in a 3-some where we interact with couples.

I also can't relate well. We've been swinging for over 1.5 years and have never had a disagreement/argument the resulted from something involved with our swing activities.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- You feel if you have more controls (rules) it will control your jealousy. I believe you have discovered that it doesn't. Instead, the rules control you AND control how you feel . That is too much power to give up. So, try not having any rules or boundaries, just say to yourself it's fun sex. You may be surprised that if you stop looking for trouble, you stop finding it and have a lot more sexual fun in the process.

Alternatively, he needs a heightened awareness that he has TWO women to keep happy.
He may be looking at the other girl as a 'fun treat' and you as the 'regular' and that's not fair. Both of you are the 'fun treat'. That would serve him well and diminish potential jealousy and the need for rules.

Just like I know I have to keep things fair with two men at once. Ed, my husband, knows the same when he has two women. I've never felt more or less than an equal in a fmf threesome and that is as it should be. Lastly, people often make a mistake of keeping a sexual 'scorecard' in a threesome of who is getting more of this or that. Don't. Accept the moment for what it is and you'll do much better.

[SuperJast]

..Including her in the decision making would be the first thing. She is her own person, and as some type of v-format or triad, she deserves to be a part of the process, or at the least, aware of rules and boundaries.

It`s also not much fun, when you have to engage in sexual activities, giving your spouse smoke signals, and secret codes.

If your husband, said he went soft when he switched from her to you, because at that point he felt worried/stressed, from sensing your anxiety,.....BELIEVE HIM.

I think you can work on your jealousy, but my senses tell me your girlfriend and husband are a bit more into each other then just as fuck buddies.they are probably crushing on each other.
That isn`t a bad thing, but If you were wanting to keep it fuck-buddies between them, then you need to have a open 3 person discussion about this.

Otherwise, you need to acknowledge the fact that they might have some NRE going on. If they do, you need to sit back and figure out why this is scary to you. Do you fear losing him ? His attention ? The control over how things will go ?.....

NRE ( New Relationship Energy) can be hard to deal with, but there are ways to kill the green eyed monster, or at least put the green beast to sleep.


Best of luck.

[GeorgeofJungle]

If you swing because...

you want to meet good people and enjoy their company...

you want to meet people that you are sexually attracted to...

you want to have great sex...

you want to enjoy this with your spouse

you want everybody involved to know what's going on...

Then you are going to find situations where your spouse is having sex with somebody and really liking it. I say to myself...well...I like having sex with her...of course he likes having sex with her...my wife likes having sex with me...this guy has all of the same parts as I do...of course she likes having sex with him.

I just can't bring myself to think of the people that we swing with as unfeeling, unthinking sex toys...there's going to be attraction, there's going to be crushes...unless you only have sex with people that you don't like....and I can't quite think of how I could do that.


What I'm more concerned with is how my wife and I get along...and it seems that we get along even better since we started swinging.

And speaking from a man's perspective... my wife calls me "everready"...but the least little bit of anxiety on either of our part and...(insert deflating sound here)...and I love my wife...I can't think of life without her....I've literally risked my life for her (yes, literally) and would do it again in a heartbeat...so a man going soft is a good measure (no pun intended) of his level of anxiety...but not a good measure of his commitment.

We were married a long time before we swung...and I have to admit...I've been humbled by swinging...in order to stay monogamous, we perpetuate little myths to ourselves along the lines of..."Of the people that my wife meets in her life...I'm the most handsome, most well endowed, best lover, best cook..best ...everything" When these myths start to unravel...jealousy, fear, insecurity...you name it, they all surface. I haven't come unglued from them yet...but it does pay to take a step back and reason it through. It's a different realization to realize that your spouse may want to be with you...just because of the things that you share together...not necessarily because you are the best at everything.

I do think that there are destructive situations...I haven't been doing this long...so I can't claim to be an expert...In my mind the difference has to do with the motivations of the relationship.

If your spouse is swinging to fulfill something meaningful (love, attention, respect) that they aren't getting in your marriage...then there's probably trouble...if you and your spouse have a good relationship and it spills over to your swing partners...then that's something different that hopefully would lead to everyone enjoying the ride.

[HappyMdCpl]

GeorgeofJungle: I really appreciate your response. I liked hearing your perspective. Since its been brought up before, I wanted to clarify the "going soft" issue. ACtually, the first time us 3 were together, hubby and I had sex twice in front of her, it was AMAZING, he had no performance issues (he has had them the first few times, so he gets anxiety worrying about that, even w/ the other women). He worked on his health, and stress levels drastically went down recently in our life (financial stuff), and WOW he is a performer now.

So, the fact that we had discussed, in advance, that i would NOT be having sex, and he would only have it w/ her, needs to be clarified.

I threw the wrench in there (maybe a bit of greediness and selfishness in hindsight), asking that he does a round 2 w/ me involved. Perhaps i should have been fine w/ them doing a round 2, however they liked, and I have a strong suspicion he would have "gone soft" eventually w/ her as well. Or maybe not, but the whole stopping, switching off condom, now need to get hard again, was tough on him. That, and knowing i was upset, was likely a little bit weird. im not trying to make a justification of why it happened, but its been brought up as a sign or problem, that i think is totally incorrect. Just more of a physical exhaustion issue. He was totally covered in sweat by then, and it was 4:00 am LOL, and we had been drinking a lot.

Speaking of which, I am not a nice drunk.... i have had some issues w/ this in the past,... and we drank quite a bit that night. I prefer to limit to 1-2 per night, especially since i am a lightweight. We had a lottttt more then that!!!

Actually, the next day, we (all 3 ) hung out again,... It was SOOOOO NICE!

My GF called me and invited me to the pool w/ another friend. I went, it was beautiful to be w/ her after that night. In private (in the pool, so sexy) she said to me (w/ her sexy accent) "if there is anything that bothers you, or anything you guys prefer, please let me know... i dont know you 2 as well as you know one another,". She is so mature. Scary that i think in some ways (sexually speaking) she is more mature then me. But, funny, she does have a BF back in her country, and she admits that she could probably never watch him having sex w/ another woman...she would be too jealous. So... i give myself a pat on the back..

So, after the pool, we went back to the house where she is living, and ate together, and i showered there (not together, cant b/c of others around), and dressed... i lotion-ed up her body, wow, it was amazing.. and then we invited hubby to get dinner... we ate and laughed, took pics, and enjoyed.... she grabbed hubbys hand in the car, and it didn't bother me ... so i think being drunk is a factor for me. her and i sat in the back of my car (convertible) and made out while hubby drove her home.... I dont think it gets any better then this.

I think i am successfully getting over my jealousy. Also, the next day, i sent her a email explaining some things to her about how things went well or not so well in the past, and some of our preferences... She was very mature in asking if anything like that ever happens w/ her, to please let her know. She really enjoys BOTH of us, and i think, initally, since my expectations were to ONLY have a GF for myself, but then hubby got involved, it made me a touch bitter or resentful that she couldnt be all mine. So, now that i am adjusting to the fact that its the 3, and sometimes just her and I, but that we are all 3 friends, is something i am warming up to. I just needed to change my expectations. and, accept the fact that she really likes hubby also. And me. she likes us both, a lot. We like her - a lot.

I am reading the book "Open" by Jenny Block, its very good. I realize i flash back to seeing them having sex, doggy style, and recalling that memory is a HUGE turn on for me (it makes me desire them both more). I am actually realizing i was a jealous person, which was not a good quality. I think this is all going to help me get over a lot of fears. Hubby constantly reminds me how lucky he is, how much he loves me. I think honestly I am the one who is over reacting here. Time will tell..

This weekend she is going to stay w/ us.... i am so excited. We are going to bring her around friends and family for the first time (on the "dL" as just a "vanilla" friend).

This honestly has been a really amazing experience for us both .... it is forcing my hubby and I also to grow up, to be accountable. Even coming here and hearing feedback, its hard, but it helps!! so, thank you. THANK YOU!

ps - hubby (who never opens up about fantasies, at one time saying he had NO fantasies, lol) said yesterday "i finally have a fantasy - want to hear it?"... i said "yes!!! sure i would love to!!"... he said not to get too excited but that "my fantasy is to have the option to have a 3 some, on demand, with my wife and a hot woman, any weekend that i like, and have my wife happy to arrange it". I laughed at him, thinking he was joking (b/c that is exactly what hes living now) and i then realized, he is living his fantasy, as I am mine. This is GREAT. This is open, and honest and fun. This is AMAZING...... This is LOVE!!

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by HappyMdCpl

He switched to me, and then ended up going soft of all things after a few minutes (granted, it was round 2, which is common for him, and it was really late). But, i still took it personally .....

You shouldn't. Ever.

Can you control how wet you are? You might be able to affect it to some degree, but you don't have control. It's the same with a man. Humans don't have on/off switches on their sex organs. It would be convenient if we did

There are a zillion factors that can affect a man's erection. His every conscious thought can be rooted on how much he loves you, how incredibly sexy you are, and how incredible the sex is the two of you are having...and still go soft. There's no explanation for it. It just happens sometimes.

[DigginIt]

I think everyone has given some great thoughts and opinions and I especially agree about the NRE SuperJast mentioned. This is probably one of the single biggest reasons that Mrs. Diggs and I stay in the lifestyle. Just the excitement of someone new and the lustful feelings that you experience.

As far as the PDA, I truly believe that after you have built up any type of friendship, even vanilla, flirting is natural. We flirt all the time with many vanilla friends but because we are swingers, I think we are hypersensitive to it and we have to remind ourselves that we will often think more into the flirting because of our swinging.

There isn't a single person that we have sex with that we do not have, to some extent, a moderate and emotional attachment with afterwards. Sex is a very personal thing for us but our love for each other is actually strengthened through our experiences. Trust is the hardest thing to embrace in this lifestyle. If you trust in your relationship, your love and your bond then this relationship you are in will continue to evolve and the more you can comfortably let go, the better it will get, as long as you two alway remember to communicate.

It sounds like some great opportunities for you two and I hope it continues to get better and you two work through the small things. I think you are amazingly self aware and because of that I believe you two will figure it all out.

[HappyMdCpl]

Thanks all for such great responses. Im happy to say that my GF and i are legit (officially gf's) and hubby joins us from time to time. we are all very happy!!!! we just did a vaca, her and i for 3 days (shes so cute and called it our honeymoon, lol) then hubby joined me when she had to leave for the latter 3 days. it was amazing .... to say the least.

This weekend we are doing a concert and hotel room the 3 of us. We have 2 more vacations planned, 3 of us, but hubby will give her and i "alone" time which is so great.

we have come really really far in a short time. only problem is she is not from the u.s. and will leave at the end of year. this will be very hard. since i gave her a "love" ring this past weekend. :'(