Playing or Swinging Separately - What are your thoughts?

[sahajacpl]

As a lifestyle couple, married or commited, do you ever play separately and under what conditions and circumstances?

Of course, we realize that swinging is a couple/couple thing where you may do a foursome, threesome, or, moresome, depending upon the circumstances. This may involve same room play, partner swap and sexual intercourse with the other couple's husband/wife/mate or a single male or female. The key in traditional swinging is that both husband and wife or S.O. always play together.

Our thought is this: Provided your relationship is secure, there is very little risk in playing separately, sometimes, if not always. For instance, you may decide that either partner may engage in swinging in a threesome, with another couple, or, an individual of the opposite sex, that may include intercourse, when one half of the couple cannot participate. For couples, where husband/wife/mate, are both employed, scheduling a swing session may present insermountable problems. It is particularly problematic when both or one or the other is away from home due to business or even personal travel. Under these circumstances, you as a couple, may agree that it is OK for either one to play with, copulate and have sexual intercourse with someone else, when the other, husband/wife/S.O. is not present. They key is to have the rules agreed upon in place and keep your life partner fully in the know of your intentions and actions. These rules should include due diligence, and, safe sex, i.e., no condomes, no intercourse. For mature individuals, these rules are second nature and need no repetition. Playing separately and doing full blown sexual intercourse with someone other than your own mate, on some occasions, has its own erotic appeal.

We have been married for many years. We are in deep love, trust each other, and, consider our marriage extremely secure. Therefore, we are not in the least concerned about either one getting into a romantic relationship with the day's or night's play with a new or old sex partner.

In fact, we have both played singly on several occasions, when the other could not be present. She was away from home on her last birthday on business travel, to a town where a couple we knew also lived. I (the hubby) arranged for a surprise Birthday gift to the wife. It was the male half of the same couple we had done full swap of mates a few times, and, the wife had just loved sexual play followed by all out vaginal intercourse with him. As it turned out then, this guy's wife was also away and out of town. This couple also had a similar understanding as far as play and sex with another partner when the other was away. To make a long story short, the two (him and my wife), at my (hubby's) instance and planning, had a date, dinner, sex and intercourse with full knowledge and consent of all four of us. When my wife returend home, she was just still glowing from the intense orgasms she had had and thanked me no end for the most wonderful and unexpected B'Day gift. That night we had the most awesome sex with each other we have ever had. Needless to say, wife has allowed me similar privileges when either one was away. One of the most memorable was when I was out of town and met, played and fucked one of her longtime college girlfriends who is widowed. The wife had greased the skids (no pun intended) and had planned the randezvous for her gf and me to play and have sex.

What are your thoughts on this topic of husband and wife, or, S.O. playing separately for pleasurable sexual intercourse under certain and defined circumstances, with another person? Do your have similar understanding in place?

We would love to hear all thoughts and comments, pro and con.

[Ed & Bunny]

For us playing apart is a no go. It is just not what we are interested in. We both enjoy watching the other partner have fun. I dont have anything bad to say about the idea, it is just not for us.

[little firefly]

For NDN and I, His playing with me not involved in some way would never happen. I'm totally monogamous so I never play with anyone but him but we have an understanding that if he plays I'm to be in the room (preferably the large multi-bed play room of the swingers club we go to) so that I can exercise my right at any time to touch or kiss him. He's always been the kind of swinger that to him anything goes, but he respects my wishes that I be involved. He was actually approached just this past Sat. night at the club by a woman who after finding out I was across town at a dance club for a friends b-day party asked him to go upstairs to one of the private rooms with her. He politely declined and explained my rule which made me happy that he would respect it. He does have an interest in playing with her but only under my conditions and only if she herself asks me if it's ok (which other women have done in the past which shows they have respect for me as his SO)

[bbarnsworth]

We prefer playing as a couple. That, I think, will always be our first choice.

That said, I'm happy for my wife to go play solo if we can't play as a couple for whatever reason. She's not content with the same situation in reverse, and so it has not happened. Some day it may, but I don't have any great desire to do so, most especially if my wife isn't content with the idea and I am not a pusher.

There are those here that feel if one spouse can do something, then the other should be permitted to do so as well. We don't feel that way, and never have. We do what makes us happy, and equal doesn't always mean happy. I happen to be a lot more interested in my wife playing solo, and find it erotic to a degree (though less so than watching her have sex with someone). She doesn't find the idea of me going solo to be erotic. You can't make much of a difference in what someone finds erotic by talking. Either they do or don't. We both find playing together to be erotic. Playing solo, it's erotic to me for her to go, not to her for me to go. It works for us, and we are the only people for whom it has to work.

[Elena]

Although the situation has not come up for us, we have discussed it. I am still on the fence about it because we have always played together. I am certainly willing, but as we have talked before, I expressed that I wouldn't do it unless I was absolutely sure that he would be fine with it. I know that if he tells me he is, then he is. So maybe in the back of my head it is me wondering if I would be fine with it. I think I probably would, but like I said, the situation has never come up. Of course with either of us, it would have to be someone we are extremely comfortable with. Moreso for me than him. I would want him to completely trust the person I was with, as I would want to trust them also, just in case something were to go wrong. But then I would never put myself in that position because it would be someone we already have a relationship with.

Probably in the next year or so, I will be staying home more while he is out on the road. At that point, this situation could take place. We would just have to see what happens then. I do find the situation hot though. And I know we would have simply amazing sex when he got back home! But with him being out on the road, how could I return the favor? The people we know are all local. You never know, we could make some friends within the next year though that would allow me to return the favor and give him some playtime with someone else while he is out on the road. Hmmm We better start meeting people across the US with the intention of me being able to fix him up! LOL

[couplers]

Hubby and I agree with the basic premise of sahajacpl that the more schedules that need to be accommodated, the more opportunities for play will be lost. (And then I get tense and edgy.) The primary reason hubby and I do what we do is for variety, and secondarily to get additional sex when the need arises. Hubby is indifferent to watching or participating when I have sex with my bf, so we don't really make the effort to coordinate the schedule but let an MFM happen when it does. I really like watching and participating when hubby has a woman, so we make a little more effort to arrange FMFs. Since he has played serially with vanilla women, not all of them have been open to me being there, let alone participating, although all have known from me what the situation is.

There is no such thing as a "trust issue" in our marriage. We love each other and are constantly demonstrating it. I am emotionally involved with my bf; hubby's sexual relationships are pretty much just sex. Even if one of us struck up something different that wouldn't change changes the way we feel about each other. I believe deep down that humans were meant to be married; I also believe that we are not monogamous. So hubby and I acknowledge this reality in a deeply committed marriage that allows each other to enjoy sexual variety.

[JustAskJulie]

We currently do not play separately. Not to say we never will we just don't at this point.

That said, I did play separately with my ex, and we were as likely to do so as we were to play together. The one downfall/ warning/ caveat I would give about playing separately is that you have to have complete honesty and tell each other everything without a hesitation. I can honestly say that is part of what hurt my ex and I. Over time of playing separately it became just as easy to not share all the details as it was to share them all. It became easier and easier to the point where eventually it was just as easy not to tell... then it was easier to not share other things and the communication broke down over time. It may have been a chicken/egg thing, looking backwards it's hard to tell... whether our communication broke down first or leaving out small details was a step on the way to the communication breakdown. Perhaps it was just one small symptom of a much larger issue (I believe that is true).

I guess the moral is that no matter what you have to have complete communication in all things, any area that you let lapse will lead to lapses in other areas.

[The Fuse]

We play separately from time to time. I wrote about the last time in a blog entry. Most often it's because one of us has a match, but the other one doesn't. Sometimes it's because someone is away on travel (one of us or one of our playmates) and the one on travel wants his or her partner to have some fun while they are gone.

Julie is right, it is all about trust and communication. We don't get too much into hearing all the details, but we like to know the other has had a good time.

Playing separately is something we grew into. It's still not what we prefer, but I am happy that it doesn't feel at all threatening.

[lovinher]

I guess it depends on why you got into swinging in the first place. This is something we wanted to do together. Of course I want her to have a mind blowing good time and she feels the same. But we want to have that great time with each other. Contrary to what many swingers think (including on this board) it has absolutely nothing to do with trust or jelousy. It's just that neither of us wants to play alone. Simple as that.

[CXXC]

MRs. CXXC and I started out in the Lifestyle playing separately. My travels for work would have me in other states or countries for 8 of 12 months. My schedule of travel has dropped considerably this year but her work schedule has been HORRIFIC!

As I said, we started out as solo players but moved to couple/couple a little over a year ago. Once we saw how incredibly erotic and fun playing side by side was, we opted to do that as our prefered method of play.

Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts, we are forced to play solo more times than together. We are very happy with this arrangement but still prefer the couple play.

We make certain all safety measures are in place as well as communicate FULLY before and after each event. It keeps us excited and in some ways, engaged in the activity through the each other's involvement.

She has a boy toy with whom she has the freedome to make dates with at any time providing it does not get in the way of our limited time together. I attend house parties and have a couple couples who enjoy my participation in MFM's.

The only down side to our playing solo is that we regret that we cannot experience the activities together. There is no jealousy. Niether Mrs. CXXC nor I feel envy toward the other. We are very happy to give this gift of sexual freedom to one another.

The rules are quite simple. We must let each other know the names of our playmates, the address in which the activities will take place, a call upon arrival and a call upon leaving.

We share the tale of our endeavors with each other as soon as we are together. This generally sends us into a fit of passion where we are ripping each others clothes off and having some of the best sex in our lives.

We have not had an FMF to date nor has she been solo with another couple. Both activities are upon the horrizon as I know our time together, Lifestyle friends visit and desires run high for each.

By the way, we both have pre-recorded videos on our phones of the two of us giveing the other hall passes in case the intended pay mates wonder.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I guess it depends on why you got into swinging in the first place. This is something we wanted to do together. Of course I want her to have a mind blowing good time and she feels the same. But we want to have that great time with each other. Contrary to what many swingers think (including on this board) it has absolutely nothing to do with trust or jelousy. It's just that neither of us wants to play alone. Simple as that.

Lovinher is right... there are lots of couples who have no desire at all to play separately, and as he said, it depends on why you got into swinging in the first place. It seems to me that the ones who have no desire at all to play separately find the togetherness to be as much of a motivation in swinging as having sexual variety, or even more, and has nothing to do with their level of trust.

I wouldn't say one or the other preference is better or somehow more evolved. It's all about what each couple wants. It's amazing to me the different things that different people and couples find erotic. Such variety in what turns everyone on.

Mr. Fuse and I really like swinging together and seeing each other turned on and in action. But we also really like to experience sexual variety as a pleasure all its own, that can stand alone apart from the excitement of seeing each other play and experiencing it together. We plain old get excited over other people, and enjoy concentrating on our sex partners alone as well as in foursomes or moresomes.

I am sorry if my last post came off as putting other peoples' tastes down; that was not my intention. Vive la difference.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by CXXC

By the way, we both have pre-recorded videos on our phones of the two of us giveing the other hall passes in case the intended pay mates wonder.

Wow, how inventive! Combined with a wedding photo, this would be pretty convincing proof if anyone is skeptical.

[CXXC]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Wow, how inventive! Combined with a wedding photo, this would be pretty convincing proof if anyone is skeptical.

Ms. Fuse
Slight problem. I really dont look much like I did when I got married. I had long LONG hair then and no facial hair. I have a shaved head now and facial hair. What to do????

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by CXXC

Ms. Fuse
Slight problem. I really dont look much like I did when I got married. I had long LONG hair then and no facial hair. I have a shaved head now and facial hair. What to do????

"Let's do the time warp again!"

The video is a good idea though. Works well when you can't raise your spouse for some reason, and really works better than a phone call anyway.

[PB&J]

I played separately a fair bit over the summer, for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I had the free time and PB didn't, and also because I had found a playmate that I felt comfortable with alone, and whom PB felt comfortable with me being with. The video is a cool idea, but I can't right now see myself playing with someone PB hadn't met, so not applicable here.

Sadly, now that my busy season is here, I don't have the time, and not sadly, my playmate has found a "real-life" girlfriend who understandably is now his primary interest (and yes, she knows all about what he's been up to, and did before they ever "did" anything, and there's always the chance... but obviously their primary relationship is more important than having some fun)

So right now I'm not playing alone, and PB has had trouble finding a similar "perfect match" for himself. I think we're going to focus on couples play for awhile. However, given the chance, I'll go for it again. I won't go out looking for it, but if the opportunity comes along, I'll take it.