Open Relationship VS Swinging Separately

[JustAskJulie]

In your mind, is there a difference? If so, what is the distinction? If not, why not?

[Speed & Trixie]

I would say YES there is a difference. I have "permission" to play solo with other women (though I haven't yet), but I would not say we have an open relationship!

I've recently met a married woman who is in (what I would consider) an open relationship -- she and her hubby can go play with others whenever they want. They don't have to meet the spouse's playmate, and she often meets single males for playdates. They basically can do whatever they want, with whomever they want. Of course, their first priority is each other, and she won't spend time with a playmate unless the hubby is unavailable.

She and I met for drinks to see if we'd be compatible playmates, and we hit it off right away. Sure, Speed doesn't mind if I go play with her on my own -- but it felt weird for me to contact her for a playdate without Speed even meeting her. (He has said if I like her to go for it, he doens't feel the need to meet her first.) We've both been invited to her house (and her hubby will be there too!), which is awesome.

To me, swinging is a couples' activity (when you're part of a couple), and solo playdates should "include" your SO in some way. For some people (me), that means my SO meets my playmates before play, and will hear about the encounter/s in as much detail as he wants (...for Speed, that's probably a play-by-play ).

What does it mean to everyone else?

Trixie

[willyoats]

This is, for us, a distinction without a difference. We both have had separate encounters without the other's foreknowledge. So far as I know I have always heard about every encounter afterwards. So, it is clearly open and swinging.

I have never had intercourse with anyone that my wife does not know personally, but she often leaves the house to let me be alone with the other woman. That sounds like open and separate.

I have a friend who had many afternoon delights ( and maybe many evening delights as well). Her husband said that she could and should do it whenever she wanted, but he did not want to know anything about it. That is a one-way open marriage. Whether you call it swinging, I don't know.

[JustAskJulie]

My reason for asking this question is that from reading some existing threads on both subjects, it's obvious that there is some overlap. Some people seem to lump them both into one category with different names, others seem to put a very large chasm between them. Often it seems the difference comes from those who enjoy one or the other activities (seem to differentiate them more) vs those who are not open/do not enjoy either activity (seem to lump them together).

I have been involved in both with in the same relationship (not the current relationship).

While we had an open relationship, we also swung separately. There were times where one or the other of us would go out and pick someone up and play without discussing it with the other one first. We would fill each other in after the fact... to me that is open relationship. There were other times where we were both involved in every aspect of choosing the playmates (perhaps they were someone we'd played with together previously) but in that case we were playing separately, because one of us was not present for whatever reason.

[Alura]

Since Mrs. Alura and I always talked about any possible playing, I guess ours was not an "Open" relationship. From time to time, we both had sex alone with another partner, but always discussed it first.

Mr. Alura

[Dave_kat]

We ourselves are very open. If we know the people involved, either of us can play when we feel like it. It seems to alleviate the 4 person scheduling, limiting it to three or even two trying to get schedules to match. Heck, as much time as Dave has spent deployed (39 months in the last 8 years), we can't rightfully ask Kat to be a nun.

Yet there does seem to be a very fine distinction made by a lot that allowing your partner to do things like that is not swinging. Again the same with polyamory.. Is it swinging or not? Especially when it's a 3rd lady in the mix on a semi to permanent relationship. You can't help but get to know someone, and begin to have some kind of feelings for them.. which makes it a deeper relationship to begin with.

One thing we've noticed. As couples get more experienced in the lifestyle, the more likely they are to swing alone at times. It's a matter of a trust thing we feel, that couples tend to build a whole lot more trust in regular playmates to be comfortable with it. Just an observation though.

[Oleg&Lena]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

My reason for asking this question is that from reading some existing threads on both subjects, it's obvious that there is some overlap.

I think Julie is right. As I have said in other thread to my mind swinging have different borders in mind of different persons. In one couple to play separately is not allowed, other suppose it essential part of swinging. So may be open marriage and swinging separately have different meaning in mind of one person and same in mind of others. At any case these conception are very similar.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

In your mind, is there a difference? If so, what is the distinction? If not, why not?

Yes, in my mind, there is a difference.

In my open-marriage definition, it simply means that we are open to whatever might develop from an emotional/relationship viewpoint. That doesn't mean something necessarily will, but we are open to it if it fits. However, I've got the emotional intelligence of a worm allegedly, and I truly just don't feel comfortable with a poly label when it doesn't feel like it fits at all, and not everything in my life is strictly swinging. As such, "open marriage" is a definition that seems most flexible for us and as such, it's our "label" for the time being. However, it's not a permission-based definition. Others might choose to not talk beforehand - I prefer to at least talk to my spouse before I do anything. I don't think that my preference to talk to my husband first changes the definition for us.

I view solo-play as a more "strictly swinging" term and tend to view those who use "solo play" as being "less involved" from an emotional or relationship viewpoint.

Just my working definitions.

[**Macbeth**]

I realize this is an older thread, but since it's something we've been talking about a lot, I thought I'd step in.

We're thinking of adopting what we would consider an 'open marriage.' It wouldn't fit under some folk's definition, but that's the term that works for us.

Basically, we would allow each other the freedom to take advantage of an opportunity, should it arise. We would need to inform the non-present spouse before we took action, so to speak, and we'd both definitely want to hear the details about it after. She would rather take a more organic approach and be open to what comes along, but has said that she'd be fine if I wanted to be more active. The primary requirements we've been discussing, other than informed consent between us and apart from safety issues, has been that it can't be a long-term arrangement, and the other party needs to be aware of our status.

Now, neither of us has actually done anything yet, and we haven't even turned the key to start it up, but this is what we've been talking about. We're not opposed to the concept of a threesome, or couples play, but want to start this way.

[mixtupcpl]

In my mind there is a very big difference. The biggest, I think, is that swinging separates seem to have evolved to that point after having started swinging together.

In our case, and in the case of everyone else I've known who has had some form of "open" relationship, it started (like the above poster) with that arrangement.

I think it can work and I think it can go badly. Same is probably true for "traditional" swinging (LOL... "traditional swinging"). I think established couples who evolved to a comfort level where they can then go separate, are a lot less likely have anything go really badly (because, in theory, they're experienced)

I do think that starting off "open" is more risky than embarking as a couple, but thats just personal opinion.

Of course there are lots of shades of gray here that can fall into their own category as well...

[Rackir]

To us it is a difference in semantics only. While I personally never refer to our relationship as "open", if people ask if my relationship is open I will generally reply that we are both open to playing with other people. To me there remains a difference though as our relationship has only room for the two of us. We may both play with other people, but those other people do not become part of our relationship.

So I guess that qualifies us as "swinging separately", though that really only happens on occasion. In general the other will be notified ahead of time, or if that doesn’t work for whatever reason the other will always be notified after the fact. While I don't really think there is a difference in most people minds between "open" and Swinging separately", to me the phrase "open relationship" seems to close to a potential polyamorous relationship, which is something we do not want and is actually the one thing that our rules are designed to prevent.

[mixtupcpl]

Originally Posted by Rackir

While I don't really think there is a difference in most people minds between "open" and Swinging separately",

One difference that people might not realize or consider is that many people in what they define as "open" relationships *only* see other people separately. Thats how it was for us and, as I've learned recently, for some other couples we know but never knew had that arrangement. So there is no 3 some or "couples" activity at all. Its basically like you maintain separate relationships that are sort of tiered, I guess is the best way to put it, from your marriage or primary one.

You're right in that there is most likely more risk for emotional attachments in this type of arrangement and drama as well. I do think it is more likely to end badly (although of course many folks make it work - one couple we know has been this way for 25 years)

[**Macbeth**]

Thought I'd post both an update and response in this thread.

Since my last post, we've modified our position, probably to the extent that we won't be frequenting these boards much anymore.

Essentially, we've chosen to go with a poly/open marriage arrangement. This definitely is more in line with our personalities and desires.

The primary difference, in my opinion, between an open relationship and swinging, is that an open relationship may or MAY NOT include sex with other people. In our take on it, it's more of a removing of the societal/ingrained moral restrictions that we've placed on what a relationship outside of our own marriage can be. We're still in the early stages, but my wife has actually struck up a relationship with a mutual friend, other than the one mentioned in my other posts. It was a quick set-up, because when she allowed herself to be aware of her attraction to him and actually discussed it with him when a nearly perfect opportunity arose, he admitted he'd a has a crush on her for months. There's still a lot of discovery to be done in that one, but it's also helped us to truly refine our thoughts and parameters.

We're not doing the polyfidelity thing, but we are allowing ourselves to pursue secondary relationships based on friendship, intimacy, and mutual attraction.

The key to all of this, as with swinging, is communication. We've had some of the most emotionally exhausting conversations of my life over the last few weeks. Physically exhausting too, sometimes, since we're often walking when we talk. We've opened up to each other to a degree we've never done before in fifteen years of marriage, and have become SOOO much closer because of it.

Is this arrangement for everyone? Hell no. It's working for us, but it's a work in progress . . .

[Rackir]

Originally Posted by **Macbeth**

We've opened up to each other to a degree we've never done before in fifteen years of marriage, and have become SOOO much closer because of it.

Even if nothing else ever comes of it, for this I congratulate you! My wife and I experienced the same thing a number of years ago and I just hope your futures are filled with as much mutual exploration and amazing communication and closeness as ours have been.


But don't leave the board, us Oregonians have got to stick around and represent!

[rpu3]

Thought I'd post both an update and response in this thread.

Since my last post, we've modified our position, probably to the extent that we won't be frequenting these boards much anymore.

Essentially, we've chosen to go with a poly/open marriage arrangement. This definitely is more in line with our personalities and desires.

We do have an open marriage forum and a poly forum, in addition to the swing-related forums.