Pretending to cheat?

[iapr]

Ok for starters I need to be upfront in that I am not a poly and we do not swing or play alone at all and neither one of us has ever had any intentions or aspirations of finding a girlfriend or boyfriend on the side. But another thread got me thinking about this question.

For the guys that are looking for a girlfriend on the side with permission from their wife, do you think some of them would be more successfull at finding that FWB or GF if they lied about having permission and were pretending to cheat?

I mean this seems really ironic in that as swingers we claim to value honesty and openness and look at cheating and adultry with disdain but as was pointed out by Julie on another thread, a lot of people just can't handle the truth. Some actually want to believe that they are cheating and that they are "the other woman." Once some learn the truth that they have permission and it is all right the relationship ends. In other words they would rather be with an adulterer having an affair than be a FWB or GF with someone playing with permission.

While we try to claim it is all sactioned and authorized, most of the general public has an easier time accepting adultry.

For women it's easy to get FWBs on the side but for guys a lot of women run if a guy trys to explain his wife is ok with it. While I can not condone dishonesty or deceipt, is the reality of the situation that a guy would be more successfull at finding a FWB if he were to lie about his permission status and pretend to be a cheater??

That flies in the face of all that I believe in as traditional, play-together swinger but I can see how it may be a reality in the world.

What are your thoughts on this? Are their times you are more successfull if you are a lamb in a wolf's clothing?

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by iapr

What are your thoughts on this? Are their times you are more successfull if you are a lamb in a wolf's clothing?

I don't have any personal experience with this but I could see why it works that way.

Having a man cheat with you makes the female feel powerful, shes desireable and shes better than the wife. He's willing to risk divorce and drama to be with her.

If she knows its with the wifes permission then shes just doing a job the wife doesn't always want to, shes just a fuck buddy without the forbidden fruit aspect.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I don't have any personal experience with this but I could see why it works that way.

Having a man cheat with you makes the female feel powerful, shes desireable and shes better than the wife. He's willing to risk divorce and drama to be with her.

If she knows its with the wifes permission then shes just doing a job the wife doesn't always want to, shes just a fuck buddy without the forbidden fruit aspect.

I was thinking along those lines as well, although I was also thinking that if a gal thinks he is having an affair she is also able to think that he is ultimately going to leave his wife and be with her.

If he comes out and says he and his wife have a happy marriage and that the wife approves and condones it, that probably means that he is never going to leave and that she truly is just a fuck buddy and always will be.

[fun4Ds]

"What an evil web we weave, when first we try to deceive"

We have never felt the desperation, to play with someone who gets a kick/thrill, out of cheating.

[rpu3]

For the guys that are looking for a girlfriend on the side with permission from their wife, do you think some of them would be more successfull at finding that FWB or GF if they lied about having permission and were pretending to cheat?

Yes, on behalf of the Spousal Unit.

I've said in plenty of threads in the Poly or Open forums that my spouse would be far more successful if he said he was just looking to cheat. He's had enough offers, but the "okay with cheating" women are out of here once he tells them he's married and doesn't need to cheat because of our arrangement. Seems easier for some to wrap their heads around cheating than around an open marriage with a spouse that's going to want to meet you first. Or else they are hoping to cowboy him out of the marriage.

What are your thoughts on this? Are their times you are more successfull if you are a lamb in a wolf's clothing?

The Spousal Unit doesn't lie about his marital status, so actual numbers as to success through lying are not available.

[MrkLin]

Originally Posted by iapr

... although I was also thinking that if a gal thinks he is having an affair she is also able to think that he is ultimately going to leave his wife and be with her.

If he comes out and says he and his wife have a happy marriage and that the wife approves and condones it, that probably means that he is never going to leave and that she truly is just a fuck buddy and always will be.

I think that may be the case. If she stands no chance of ever getting him to herself, it becomes a case of; "What's in this for me in the long run?" I've never understood this mentality. Think about it - if he was so willing to cheat on his wife to be with you, what makes you think he won't cheat on you to be with someone else? What makes you special? Oh well - enough digression...

Anecdotally, we were on the receiving end of this equation a few years ago, but with a single male acquaintance. He was more than ready jump Lin's bones (even had a motel in mind) until she told him that we had no secrets, I knew all about it, and it was ok with me. He immediately backpedaled and told her to forget the whole thing. When she pressed him for an answer as to why not, he told her that swinging was weird. I told her that he was just an Adam-Henry (the right people will get that - if you don't, ask a cop.) He was more than ready to help my wife cheat on me when he thought I didn't know, but it was weird if I did know. So who was really the weird one?

She did forget the whole thing, and it's funny, but we haven't seen him since...

[Trace Ekies]

Maybe, just maybe this explains why, when asked, two, not just one single males told us the truth about their marital status. They think that if we believe there's no chance of strings we'll be more receptive? Interesting. Do you suppose that in single male circles they discuss how swingers prefer to think that they are cheating?

Chicup's point is well made. An opportunity to taste the forbidden fruit with the added bonus of feeling more desireable than her competition at his house. A bit scary but probably more true than I want to recognize.

Trace

[IvoryTowers]

Everything everyone has said here seems absolutely true and I just want to comment on how incredibly sad that it.

Most people would rather be involved in cheating and the possible breakup of a marriage or LTR than wrap their heads around swinging/poly.

[creamylips]

Originally Posted by iapr

Ok for starters I need to be upfront in that I am not a poly and we do not swing or play alone at all and neither one of us has ever had any intentions or aspirations of finding a girlfriend or boyfriend on the side. But another thread got me thinking about this question.

For the guys that are looking for a girlfriend on the side with permission from their wife, do you think some of them would be more successfull at finding that FWB or GF if they lied about having permission and were pretending to cheat?

I mean this seems really ironic in that as swingers we claim to value honesty and openness and look at cheating and adultry with disdain but as was pointed out by Julie on another thread, a lot of people just can't handle the truth. Some actually want to believe that they are cheating and that they are "the other woman." Once some learn the truth that they have permission and it is all right the relationship ends. In other words they would rather be with an adulterer having an affair than be a FWB or GF with someone playing with permission.

While we try to claim it is all sactioned and authorized, most of the general public has an easier time accepting adultry.

For women it's easy to get FWBs on the side but for guys a lot of women run if a guy trys to explain his wife is ok with it. While I can not condone dishonesty or deceipt, is the reality of the situation that a guy would be more successfull at finding a FWB if he were to lie about his permission status and pretend to be a cheater??

That flies in the face of all that I believe in as traditional, play-together swinger but I can see how it may be a reality in the world.

What are your thoughts on this? Are their times you are more successfull if you are a lamb in a wolf's clothing?

You are so right when you state that the the general public has an easier time accepting adultery versus swinging or an open marriage. Totally screwed up and ironic- but it is the truth.

[arvcpl]

Wow, what a shocker! Guys lying to chicks to get in their pants??? Who would have ever thought of such a thing???? Yeah that is some cutting edge material you have there.

C'mon are you serious? Guys have been lying about their relationship status' and intentions for a piece of ass since the beginning of time. This is no news flash. All it is is just twisting the words around a little bit to fit a different niche.

If a guy wants some side action and doesn't want his wife to find out he tells his potential side action mark that his marriage is crumbling and that he wished he had found her before he met his wife and that she has all the qualities and assets that his wife doesn't and as soon as he can take care of all the details with the kids and the paperwork he will leave his wife and they will start their new lives together.

As chicup pointed out, they often fall for it hook line and sinker because it is what they want to believe.

the only different with this scenario with an open marriage couple is the wife and husband have an agreement that it is ok, but the concept is still the same. The "other woman" will be interested and enticed because she thinks she will end up with the fairy tail .

If a guy comes out says his wife is ok with it and knows all about it the other woman realizes no red blooded american male is ever going to leave a woman that lets him fuck around and she will realize that she is just sperm desitory to dump his extra left over load into. No chance of ending with the fairy tail dream = no poontang.

So yeah, just like every Jr high boy that learned to tear off a piece of ass at 14 by letting the girl think that he was in love with her and that they would end up together, so too it works for the 35 year old man with a happy wife and marriage at home.

some things are universal and timeless and men preying on the instinctual aspirations of women for a piece of ass is one of them. This is just a slightly different twist for a small unique population segment. It may be sad and pathetic and wrong but it is true nonetheless.

[Nitati]

Originally Posted by MrkLin

Anecdotally, we were on the receiving end of this equation a few years ago, but with a single male acquaintance. He was more than ready jump Lin's bones (even had a motel in mind) until she told him that we had no secrets, I knew all about it, and it was ok with me. He immediately backpedaled and told her to forget the whole thing. When she pressed him for an answer as to why not, he told her that swinging was weird. I told her that he was just an Adam-Henry (the right people will get that - if you don't, ask a cop.) He was more than ready to help my wife cheat on me when he thought I didn't know, but it was weird if I did know. So who was really the weird one?

She did forget the whole thing, and it's funny, but we haven't seen him since...

This has happened to us a couple times now. The guy thinks I'm cheating, everything is great! The minute I say "actually... we have no secrets & the hubby would love to talk to you about having a straight, mfm 3some with us" they run. Quickly. Explaining that, for various reasons, they don't think they'd be able to actually "do it". And of course, the only thing left behind is a vapor trail LOL. Add to that the fact that most guys we've come across on Swing Lifestyle *are* cheaters (or lie about even the small things), and we are just dumbfounded and not quite sure if we'll ever find who we're looking for.

[Nitati]

Oh on a side note (kinda off topic, but kinda not)... recently it was said by a single male acquaintance, "If you were my wife, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you!" to which I replied, "What makes you think my husband's able to? We fuck like bunnies and we love it!!!"

I think his implication was that we are seeking a male 3rd because I'm not satisfied at home? When of course, it's quiiiiiiiiite the opposite! Daddy keeps *this* mamma VERY happy lol! But as members of this board, I'm sure you're all probably very familiar with how that works

[CXXC]

I think the matter is actualy quite simple. People are program to forgive and forget. They are rarely taught to reason and accept "out-of-the-box" Ideas.

It is easier for the man/woman to accept the cheating and forgive the individuals (Never really forgetting the affair) than it is to accept the thought that the individuals have consentual sex with others outside of their marriage bed.

If I have an affair, it is only reasonable that I will be forgiven by Mrs. CXXC or divorced. Either way, the out come is easily rationalized and the thought process is not too difficult.

If I go out to a club, have sex with several ladies (Perhaps Mrs. CXXC joins me in the lady play) return to my home with Mrs. CXXC, what is it that we should "Logically" be doing after?

To the vanilla society, we should be fighting. We should be yelling and screaming as jealousy should have taken hold of us. BUT NO! We are back in bed having HOT Monkey Sex. They cant wrap their heads around it.

That is my take on it. I could be wrong.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by arvcpl

C'mon are you serious? Guys have been lying about their relationship status' and intentions for a piece of ass since the beginning of time. This is no news flash.

You could extend that to say people in general often misrepresent themselves and pretend to be what they aren't in order to achieve their agenda. IE: It ain't just a man and poontang thang.

As to the OP's question, I would concur that yes, men playing the role of a cheating man would have more success. We've got plenty of anecdotal stories to support this, and the general public's lack of reason and understanding lead to this conclusion as well.

Can't say I condone it, just that I understand why it is that way.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by CXXC

I think the matter is actualy quite simple. People are program to forgive and forget. They are rarely taught to reason and accept "out-of-the-box" Ideas.

It is easier for the man/woman to accept the cheating and forgive the individuals (Never really forgetting the affair) than it is to accept the thought that the individuals have consentual sex with others outside of their marriage bed.

If I have an affair, it is only reasonable that I will be forgiven by Mrs. CXXC or divorced. Either way, the out come is easily rationalized and the thought process is not too difficult.

If I go out to a club, have sex with several ladies (Perhaps Mrs. CXXC joins me in the lady play) return to my home with Mrs. CXXC, what is it that we should "Logically" be doing after?

To the vanilla society, we should be fighting. We should be yelling and screaming as jealousy should have taken hold of us. BUT NO! We are back in bed having HOT Monkey Sex. They cant wrap their heads around it.

That is my take on it. I could be wrong.

No, I'd say you were spot-on