Pretending to cheat?

[Additude]

Speaking purely in generalities, I think in general society as we know it not accustomed to "swinger etiquette", it's difficult, especially for the female gender to separate sex and love; separate the heart from the mind; or to comprehend the term "recreational sex".

So I have to agree that it would be more productive or beneficial for the male component to keep the "sex with permission" issue silent, which essentially is a "borrowed male". However, not telling is deception and coercion for the gain of sexual satisfaction. If the female is not aware of the males’ status, then the male is using the female sexually.

I think the greater percentage of the female gender in regular society (I'd guess 90% +, give or take), even knowing or not knowing she is having sex with a married man, still thinks, if even unconsciously (98% of thought is unconscious), that there is a chance at a "long term relationship". The lower percentage (other 10%, give or take), are experiencing a physical or emotional sexual infatuation with the male. I think most women in the 90% category want that man, emotionally for themselves, monogamously because separation of the heart and mind do not come easily.

When the female finds out that another woman (the males wife) is allowing her to "borrow" the man sexually, then for the greater percentage of those women contributing to the "affair", there is a confusing, practical realization that it's virtually impossible for her to maintain any form of a monogamous relationship with that male. Her options immediately become "Friends/Sexual Relationship" or "No Relationship".

Of course once the females mind has been re-conditioned thru the experience of swinging, then the mind is more able to disassociate the "heart/mind" and the greater percentage / lower percentage gap decreases depending on other factors, like the females marriage status, etc.

[IvoryTowers]

So several people in this thread have pointed out that women will back away from a man with permission because they realize he can never be theirs, that they're just a fuck buddy, etc.

But other people have related anecdotes of single males fleeing as fast from a married woman. Stereotypes of male behavior should have those single guys jumping around like they just won the lottery--commitment free sex!

So why are some single guys also freaked out by the idea of a married woman with permission?

[Additude]

I don't think anyone is saying that there is not a relationship that also exists in males that can be comparable to females, only that the examples provided were in line with the OP's question.

It's already a speculative question/answer, however appending further conditions to an answer (conditions which are true and do exist, only in smaller percentages) may only lend to complicate any responses.

I almost want to say that I feel the male sex for recreation thought process is about equally opposite to the females sex for love thought process, which would also make the males sex for love thought process equally opposite to the females sex for recreation thought process.

In nature, I think those opposites tend to hover around the 90/10 comparison. That's just my best guess based on my experience.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by IvoryTowers

So why are some single guys also freaked out by the idea of a married woman with permission?

I had to think about this one.

If I were a single male, at say a bar at a hotel and a attractive woman on business hit on me, told me to come up to her room and that her husband knows she does this kind of thing, I'd go. This isn't swinger chicup but the guy I was as a single.

Now take that same situation and she says 'my husband is upstairs, he wants to watch' and I've had run for the hills.

Once the husband is involved that primal fear of getting caught doing something that normally gets your ass kicked sets in. Even though you have permission you get the weirded out feeling, somethings not right, whats going to happen, is he going to come on to me, etc.

Its wondering what HE is getting out of it, and not understanding.

[slevin]

I think there is a lot of ego involved in it for some guys. Many single guys seem to be seeking married women who are cheating and I think it has to do with them getting an ego boost out of the woman fucking them on the side. Presuming that she is fucking them because they are better than her husband. There is no ego boost involved if the husband knows and is cool with it. That doesn't account for everyone, but I think it's a very common reason.

[CXXC]

I thought about this topic for a while now. Since my last post, I think there is another end of the spectrum that I missed.

What is in it for the woman? I have two associates that have been cheating on their wife/GF. One is now getting divorced. That one was no surprise. The other one just got engaged! CRAZY, I know!

However, in both situations, the women having the relationship with the cheating men, had less to lose than the cheaters. These women, I believe, were after something that they could not have within their own marriages. Yes, both women are married.

I think that one thing has to be taken into account for the pretend cheater. What is the perception of loss/gain in the other person’s eyes. Perhaps that is also a weight with which they judge the possible activity!

Who knows? It could be as simple as the thrill of being caught! I’m not sure. This may deserve further study!

[maniaco333]

here is what happened to me:
I'm the male half of a happily married couple, we play together and also have the freedom of playing separate.
I got a FWB who I've playing with on and off for over a year I was upfront with my marital arrangement and she was cool with it although a bit skeptical at first until she met my wife and saw for herself.
She was fascinated by the idea that my wife was cool with it and one day she tells me about this coworker of hers that really had the hots for me and I really liked her to we flirted for some time and exchaged a few phone calls.

She told me that she wanted to go out and spend a night with me I agreed and explain that my wife was aware of what was happening that she would always know and she shaid that that was creepy and did not go through.

so go figure which one works best!!

I'm sticking with Honesty

If it does not work out at least I don't feel bad about lying

[mixtupcpl]

Originally Posted by slevin

I think there is a lot of ego involved in it for some guys. Many single guys seem to be seeking married women who are cheating and I think it has to do with them getting an ego boost out of the woman fucking them on the side. Presuming that she is fucking them because they are better than her husband. There is no ego boost involved if the husband knows and is cool with it. That doesn't account for everyone, but I think it's a very common reason.

100% spot on... We've seen this first hand. We also had a case where one guy was "let in" on our arrangement after the fact and he was OK/intrigued by it (which I had predicted he would be). As a guy you can typically tell on which side of the equation another guy will fall if you've had the chance to meet them a time or two.

As for women, I've found its definitely way easier if they think you're cheating (esp these days), but there is always definitely an expectation that they are going to pull you away (especially if you are fairly well off). With ONE exception. That being if they're married also. But then that puts you in a weird spot. You're pretending to be cheating (thus lying), but they're ACTUALLY cheating (thus lying, but a more hurtful lie)

Stuff like this is what ultimately burnt us out on the open arrangement (at least for now)

[Meetussoon]

I struggle with this issue because when I am interested in hooking up with someone I knew from the past (like one or both of the two HS friends who live in Chicago) I don't want to be known as a cheat. So I struggle with that issue. They know I'm a flirt and that is ok, but if it goes to another level, they percieve that I am stepping out on Marie. If they were to ask about my marriage I think I might be honest, but, I don't know. Part of that descision is what Marie wants them to know, because they both know friends we have back home. I thought perhaps I would tell them Marie is bi, which is true, and that because she has a GF on occasion, our agreement is I likewise can have a fling. We have had the instance where after the fact -- when the other lady was feeling guilty, MArie called her and explained that it was ok. But this was a very unique situation.


OF course the simple answer to the question is, don't try and fuck old friends or GF, and only look for fuck buddies within the lifestyle.

[BigNikki]

Big Nikki here.

When my John is on the separate prowl, he reads his target and if he thinks they would be more excited, he lets them think he's cheating. (Of course when he tells the girls that he has a hall pass, they may not believe him. And I'm not going to stand by the phone to confirm a hall pass; usually I'm working my butt off on a late night assignment and wouldn't tolerate the interruption.)

When he's with guys, there's no gamesmanship. Guys believe a husband is on the down-low.

Myself, when I'm on the prowl, I don't bother with that stuff.

-- Big Nikki

[Big Rock]

Having been cheated on, and realizing how odious real cheating is, I would be pissed if somebody tried to, "
pretend", to be a cheater. I'm an upfront guy and I prefer upfront women, married or single.

[BigNikki]

Big Nikki here.

Originally Posted by Big Rock

Having been cheated on . . .

Indeed. I apologize for treading on your toes, and others'. What is an amusing play kink for some, is real pain and destruction for others.

-- Big Nikki

[BigNikki]

Big Nikki here, again.

This whole topic is bizarre to contemplate. Being cheated on is a source of so much pain and grief for so many. And yet here we are discussing the idea of cheating as being a fun turn-on. The lure of "forbidden fruit".

I don't expect anyone else to be this way / feel this way, but to John and I our loyalty to each other is that we live with each other, we love each other, we're intimate with each other. We are emotionally faithful to each other, and sex has nothing to do with it.

That lets us do all the things we do, including swinging together, swinging apart, and also being on the prowl (which, as near as I can tell, isn't at all within the value system of this board).

I have a close friendship with the wife living next door. It's a friendship that has segued into friends-with-benefits -- we have sex. But to her, in her naivete, she isn't cheating and it isn't lesbianism; it's just a very close girl-type friendship.

The twists and turns of sexuality are a wonder to behold.

-- Big Nikki

[BigNikki]

Once again, Big Nikki here.

Originally Posted by maniaco333

. . . this coworker really had the hots for me . . . I explained that my wife was aware of what was happening . . . and she said that that was creepy.

Boy, there is so much psychological truth in that experience. Slip sliding around -- cheating -- was something she understood and accepted. But a hall pass was beyond her kin.

There is so much difference between us and conventional folks.

-- Big Nikki

[Big Rock]

I take no offense from your words, Nikki. I was just pointing out the value of honesty. What if one person is," pretending", but the other one isn't? Pretending to be a cheater, isn't the same as roleplaying. In roleplaying everybody is on the same page. Pretending to be a cheater involves deception, and deception is never a positive thing., To elaborate, I knew an asian/American girl in college, who looked considerably younger than 18. She used to make a game of dressing like a school girl and finding men who wanted the , "forbiden fruit", of an underaged girl. She used to laugh and tell me about how much money/presents they would give her whether she slept with them or not. One man wasn't playing though and he raped her and held her prisoner for 4 or 5 days. I'm all for roleplaying but deception will almost always bite you in the ass, at some point.