What have you learned?

[lustylearning]

For those of you who swing separately or have open marriages, what have you learned through your experiences? What general knowledge have you gleaned? And has this knowledge enhanced your marriage?

[BiloxiCouple]

Keep it drama and Trickster free. Keep honest communication open. Everyone has a say in what goes on.

And right before you orgasm, call the wife so she can listen

[IvoryTowers]

Things we have learned from opening our marriage:

1) No one satisfies us as well as we do, so while sex with others is hot and group sex is even hotter, at the end of the day we're happiest with each other.

2) Neither of us is jealous in any significant way. This came as a real shock to me (Mr. Ivory), as I'd expected to be a bit jealous but so far have not been at all.

3) Even though the goal of an open marriage is open communication, it's not easy to communicate, especially in matters of the libido. We've certainly had our arguments and miscommunications. In the end, though, I've learned a lot more about Mrs. Ivory through our attempts to communicate effectively in this new context.

4) Don't play with a couple if both of you are not into *both* of them. "Taking one for the team" is a recipe for disaster.

5) Despite the pop culture stereotypes of swingers, there are a lot of really nice people in "the lifestyle."

6) There are a lot of jerks and posers too, and quite a few people who reinforce said stereotypes.

7) Scientific studies have found that sex with one's primary partner is hotter when that partner has been flirting with (or even playing with) someone else first--those studies are *so* true!

8) Swinging is supposed to be *fun*: when it ceases to be so, it's probably time to stop.

(I wanted to get to 10 things we've learned--it's so metric--but couldn't quite do it).

[willyoats]

One problem of swinging in the same room is the distraction of your mate making it with another person. Sometimes that distraction is welcome because you like so much to see your mate getting such pleasure. Sometimes it is not so good, as when you are really into your swing partner but your spouse's presence is somehow inhibiting.

However, once you are sure that you are not jealous about your mate screwing somebody else while you are not there, going it alone has a great advantage. Namely, the distraction is completely gone, and you can concentrate completely on your present playmate. We both found that to be a really welcome change occasionally.

I don't think either of us would have predicted that when we started. I, at least, found that watching my wife was a very big part of my pleasure. So, after several years we learned that it is OK to go separately with another partner when one of us is out of town or otherwise not available for "conventional" swinging.

[exploringRM]

When we first started (2 months) ago, we said we were same room. Additionally we both like watching, and being with a couple where the interaction is not just a swap, more of a tangle of people and switching around briefly into MFM or FMF.

But since then we have learned we're ok with separate rooms sort of in this order, 1) if we are comfortable with the couple, 2) the other couple prefers separate rooms or 3) 1/2 half of the other couple is not feel well (cold, time of month, etc).

But we always start with same room, and then at some point feel the possibility of separate room is there. So far we have not ventured into full separate swinging where one goes out with out the other, not sure if we will ever go there.

[JustAskJulie]

Great Question. While my current marriage is not open, my previous marriage was open. What I learned from that combined with my current. I prefer playing together, as it feels more like we are sharing something and engaging in something together. I've also learned that if you are going to have an open marriage there must be 100% communication about everything. Share the details of every encounter asap. The second that communication starts lapsing it will continue to do so. Once you stop sharing small details it becomes easier to not share the larger ones.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

For those of you who swing separately or have open marriages, what have you learned through your experiences? What general knowledge have you gleaned? And has this knowledge enhanced your marriage?

My wife and I have both have one other person whom we can call for "a date" for certain occasions. We always tell in-advance who, when and where.

1) Meeting singly is not something we would recommend to people just starting out in The Lifestyle or a married relationship.
2) Trust had to exist before even contemplating the idea.
3) Our trust in each other had been confirmed and strengthened.

~Michael

[sexylady1970]

Keep it drama and Trickster free. Keep honest communication open. Everyone has a say in what goes on.

While new posters, we are far from new to the lifestyle. Everyone has a definition of drama. To us drama takes place during an encounter, not before. After an encounter what a couple chooses to say or do is of no concern to us and vice versa. We discuss what we liked, what we didn't like and what we can do to make things better or capitalize on something we liked.

I have a peeve when people try to play the "drama" card. One time a couple was discussing something with us which I was not particularly happy about. "Oh, here comes the drama again" Well you know what...if we can't express our feelings without someone playing the drama card, then find someone else as far as I'm concerned.

Remember, drama is not an excuse to say as you want and do as you do without the feelings of others. Keep it real and above board. Be honest with each other about your feelings, and be honest with your playmates about your feelings as well as theirs.

[Nitati]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Great Question. While my current marriage is not open, my previous marriage was open. What I learned from that combined with my current. I prefer playing together, as it feels more like we are sharing something and engaging in something together. I've also learned that if you are going to have an open marriage there must be 100% communication about everything. Share the details of every encounter asap. The second that communication starts lapsing it will continue to do so. Once you stop sharing small details it becomes easier to not share the larger ones.

Whoo... I totally second that. And for us, it was certainly a lesson well learned! Years later & we are being very picky & moving very slowly, but doing *everything* together.

[mixtupcpl]

This is a really good thread that I had missed so Ima bumpin it!

I think experiences will differ greatly depending on how you came to the open state.

For some folks here, it was an evolution gradually from "traditional" couples swinging. For others (us for example), we never even considered "swinging" and have always just been "open" (nearly always anyhow)

The devil is definitely in the details on that one.

So for what I've learned from being "open only"?

RESIST the temptation to get entangled with people who don't know the deal. It is tempting to just go with "normal" dating rules, but they really don't apply.

Be extra sensitive to your own emotions and the emotions of your play partner assuming you are going to have someone that sticks around

DO NOT think that this situation can fix a weak/bad marriage. It will just effectively end it. Only the strongest marriages can work this way and not become a farce.

[sweet_tna]

We don't swing separately as a matter of course. But I've played alone a couple times. The biggest thing I've learned is that it's a nice change of pace.

I like to be able to concentrate on my partner . . . but I also enjoy the togetherness that Mr. Sweet and I share when we play together.

I'm still waiting to see how it goes when Mr. Sweet takes his turn at playing alone, though.

=)

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

So for what I've learned from being "open only"?

RESIST the temptation to get entangled with people who don't know the deal.

This is interesting. I sometimes think that those involved in such an arrangement are tempted to play with those who don't "know the deal," because they think to themselves, "it can't hurt me or my relationship," without considering the impact on or motivations of the person they want to play with. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

[mixtupcpl]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

This is interesting. I sometimes think that those involved in such an arrangement are tempted to play with those who don't "know the deal," because they think to themselves, "it can't hurt me or my relationship," without considering the impact on or motivations of the person they want to play with. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Yes definitely. Also, temptation is just a strong thing for us weak humans right? Sometimes it is just something you would know is wrong if you stopped to consider, but in the moment, you just dont. Your own relationship is solid. You have permission. The other person is attractive to you. If you tell them up front that there is no future and it is a fling b/c you are committed, there is a GOOD chance they will run away. So it is tempting to just say "well no need to bring it up". This is bad obviously.

Another dangerous thing is to connect with one of the zillions of cheating spouses that are out there. As an open couple, you really do need to excersize restraint and it is doubly hard b/c on your side of it, there is no issue. But getting involved with someone cheating or someone who thinks they can pry you away always leads to massive drama.

We have first hand experience with this, unfortunately. This is the primary reason why, after many years open, we are trying to slowly gravitate towards couples swinging.