She wants freedom to play - Should we swing?

[leoinheat]

I'll keep this as short as possible (try anyways) First of all this board is AWESOME!!!
Here's our situation: I am mid 30's, she is mid 20's. I am the only guy she has ever did ANYTHING with. We been together 4 years and she is now really craving her "freedom" to do what she wants, this has sent us into a seperation, though we still talk and have sex, we're no longer living together etc etc. But not at all on "bad terms."
I have suggested maybe we try Swinging, this would give her that open marriage that she desires,and it would also be fun to experience new things in the bedroom (or HOTEL room, hahaha!)
I have never been the jealous type, however, I am afraid if we do this the other guy may be "better" and "bigger" and it may eventually end our marriage/relationship altogether because I will not be able to compare to the other guys. I guess I have some ego issues in that department but it's one of my fantasies to watch her with another man. I feel very confused and no matter how I weight this all out I never seem to really find a solution.
She is TOTALLY down for trying this because she is craving some new "you know what."
She is also VERY Bi-Curious and I have zero problems with that, none at all. I told her to do as many girls as she wants, but just the thought of another guy scares me...and also turns me on at the same time. Does this make ANY sense?????????/ I'm I alone here? Is this a normal feeling?
Thanks for any advice, I could sure use it right now.
PS- There are no children involved so that's no issue at all.

[NakedInSeattle]

In a word (or two, actually) - NO WAY. Fix your relationship before you try swinging. Swinging NEVER, I repeat, NEVER should be used to try to fix a releationship. Some of my erstwhile fellow board members will take many more words to say the same thing.

[knb2004]

I agree with Naked, swinging will not fix a bad relationship, in fact it may tend to hasten it's demise.

That said, I think worrying about somebody being bigger or better is a waste of time. We don't select our spouses based solely upon sexual skills. Unless the only reason she's with you is the length or girth of your penis, I would tend to think you are worrying about things that don't exist.

[bbarnsworth]

10000000000% agree with posters so far. Red flags all over the place on this one. Fix your relationship, and keep it stable for a long while. Then think about swinging. You can NOT fix a relationship with swinging. No matter how much she wants her freedom, craves other men, etc...no way, no way, no way. The choices here are simple. Either she commits to developing a fundamentally sound, committed, loving relationship with you and THEN the two of you consider swinging, or she heads for the door. There's no inbetween.

As to your insecurities, someone else posted in the blogs about this and I responded with some advice that may help you. http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...nsecurity.html

[Malachista]

I think you should go with it.
You seperatet because she wants to try out other guys.
If you have no problems with her maybe staying seperated with out afterwards, you shoud try it out

[SW_PA_Couple]

Looks like you're getting some answer to your question. I have nothing to add but just wanted to welcome you to The Swingersboard. Hope you'll stick around and look around a bit.

~Michael

[jdavisauto]

Swinging is never an answer to fix problems in a relationship. In fact swinging may very well make the problems worst. Swingers are in a very stable loving relationship with their spouses and nothing can come in-between them. Swingers also know that this lifestyle is made up of many different people, and not all people are the same but being secure in their relationships the size thing is not an issued. I may enjoy a lady with bigger breasts then my lady half and like playing with them but I love my lady half and will always be with her, the same with her and a bigger dick guy. It don’t matter as long as there is love for your spouse.

[iapr]

Please define "freedom" for us. and more specifically what does it mean to her? Is the issue here only sexual or is it your marriage and your relationship in general?

I'm assuming that you are separated because of a wide variety of issues and dissatisfactions in your marriage and not just because you are the only person she has been to bed with and is curious about sex with another person. Am I correct or is this all about her wanting to play touchy-feely with another warm bod?

If I and all the other posters are correct in the assumption that you have a laundry list of maritial problems then yes, you need to avoid swinging like the plague.

I'll go a step farther than the other posters and say that if you are having serious maritial issues then swinging will probably bring about all of your fears. If she is fundamentally unhappy and dissatisfied with you in general then she WILL enjoy someone elses dick more than yours even if it is half as big, half as hard and last half as long. She will like it more because it is attached to someone else!

If you want to save this relationship then you need legitimate and standard maritial counseling and therapy. She is fantasizing about other people because she having doubts about you. Voluntarily bringing someone else into her bed is like hammering the last few nails into your own coffin.

[intuition897]

I can agree with the folks above in one respect, that swinging won't fix a problem rooted in the relationship itself. But it doesn't sound to me like you really have a relationship problem...do you?

To me, the defining characteristic of a strong relationship is its ability to see past the circumstances of the present, realize that the rough patch that the relationship is going through is just that: a temporary rough patch. Growing pains. And that you still accept one another and the existence of the relationship in spite of the separation you both feel you need in order to grow and mature as individuals.

I don't know what each of your plans are for this relationship, but if you both feel this is one of those relationships that was divinely pre-destined, and you are just working out the bugs in it, then I don't see why swinging can't be a possible direction for you to both grow in. There's no rule that says you have start out as hard-core vanillas and then "see the light" and convert to swinging. You just need to have your heads in the right place.

It sounds like jealousy isn't really a problem for you, Leo. The fears that you have are indeed common, but they originate with you and your own insecurities. They also indicate that you need to a) strengthen your confidence in the solidity/security of your relationship, and b) broaden the lines of communication between your girlfriend and you. There should be nothing that you can't discuss with one another. If you are feeling afraid or jealous or angry...whatever you might be feeling...you need to be able to tell your girlfriend about it and trust that she will take you seriously and want to help you solve your problem.

Done the right way, swinging can definitely give you opportunities to grow closer. In this case, it's where you show your vulnerable pink underbelly to her, giving her the opportunity to either rip your heart out or show you that she can be trusted with it. It IS scary! It IS risky. But it wouldn't be nearly as much fun if it wasn't. This is where you tell her what you are feeling, what you are afraid of, and why you are hesitating...and where she's overcome with a desire to love and protect you, and to prove to you that you are safe with her.

From my experience, if you're coming into swinging from the right angle, penis size and sexual ability are irrelevant when it comes to love. It's like comparing apples and oranges. One has nothing to do with the other. The whole point of this exercise is to give one another the opportunity to experience your sexuality to its fullest. The whole point is to offer variety, and the more, the bigger, the better the experience the better! For me, for example, the better the experience was for me, the more I thought of my husband. "I am married to the most AWESOME man on the freakin' planet! Just LOOK what kind of life he offers me! What kind of an idiot would I have to be to leave a man this amazing??" And for him? The better my experience, the more pleased he was. "Isn't that the whole point?" he said.

Look...Love doesn't live between your legs. Sex is just one of the better ways to express it. If your girlfriend is confused about this and believes this fallacy and consequently "falls in love" with some guy because he has a huge dick and/or knows how to use it, then she's in the wrong. She's deceiving herself and she isn't ready for swinging. I'd find out if this is where her head is before you get started, but that's about my only real concern to be honest.

Good luck!

[maniaco333]

Swinging is never a solution to any problems in a marriage.
Swinging is one of the many step two's a healthy marriage can take.
To us swinging is kinda of a test of the foundation of our relationship, since you already know that that foundation is not solid don't be surprised when everything crumbles down.
maniaco333

[amid]

Originally Posted by intuition897

I can agree with the folks above in one respect, that swinging won't fix a problem rooted in the relationship itself. But it doesn't sound to me like you really have a relationship problem...do you?

To me, the defining characteristic of a strong relationship is its ability to see past the circumstances of the present, realize that the rough patch that the relationship is going through is just that: a temporary rough patch. Growing pains. And that you still accept one another and the existence of the relationship in spite of the separation you both feel you need in order to grow and mature as individuals.

I don't know what each of your plans are for this relationship, but if you both feel this is one of those relationships that was divinely pre-destined, and you are just working out the bugs in it, then I don't see why swinging can't be a possible direction for you to both grow in.

I would like to know why she had to move out? If the relationship is strong and it is just an issue of sexual exploration I don't see that as reason to seperate if in fact the base relationship is a strong one. This spells trouble in my book.

[leoinheat]

Originally Posted by amid

I would like to know why she had to move out? If the relationship is strong and it is just an issue of sexual exploration I don't see that as reason to seperate if in fact the base relationship is a strong one. This spells trouble in my book.

Thanks to everyone for all your advice! I agree that Swinging may have to be put on hold while we strengthen our relationship, if that's the way it goes.
She moved out because she wanted to be with her family, she missed being able to come and go as she pleases (I NEVER told her sho couldn't do anything). She missed not having to come home and be on a routine. She is a VERY VERY VERY change and freedom oriented individual. Most people have kind of a set daily routine, she resents those people. She HATES predictability. SHe takes a different way to work every other day just to avoid seeing the same scenery. I too am some what like this, but not to the degree she is. So, really she did not want to be one of those "typical house wives" types.
Many people don't understand her (or us) because we are different from most couples in the way that we both kinda do our own thing. Marriage was just a bad idea for us, once we got married EVERYTHING changed. We started to take each other for granted, being around each other constantly started to drive us both insane. We have taken a few steps backwards as we are now just dating again. We see each other a couple times per week and when we do we really have a GREAT TIME in and out of the bedroom!!! Our relationship is starting to feel "new" again. So we plan on being faithful to each other, but not being married or "tied down."
Does any of this make any sense???????????????? It does to us, but our families don't get it.

[beachguyz]

Leoinheat,

This is not a swinging issue in my mind. In today's society we look for gratification. While your SO has only had you she feels that she's been missing out. That's not abnormal. In fact, I would question her if she didn't feel that way. Do you have a fundamentally good relationship? If so, and if you could deal with it, let her experiment. One thing we MUST always realize is that we do not own our spouse or SO. She is going to do what she wants whether you like it or not. It's not your choice but hers.

The consequences of her actions may change the dynamic of your relationship forever. If she leaves you for another guy or girl then your relationship was not strong and isn't it better to go on with your life knowing that now?

Look, you both need to take a good look at your relationship and get some marital counseling.

My own situation is very similar and I encouraged my SO to do what she has to to be satisfied. I don't know if she has but I also realize that I don't own her.

[screaminggood]

Leoinheat,

A thought for you to ponder: If she's so against routine, what kind of rules would y'all have if you try to swing together? Will you get what you need from it and from her within the relationship?

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by leoinheat

I have suggested maybe we try Swinging, this would give her that open marriage that she desires,and it would also be fun to experience new things in the bedroom...She is TOTALLY down for trying this because she is craving some new "you know what."


So we plan on being faithful to each other, but not being married or "tied down."

If I understand by "faithful" you mean that you aren't going to have sex with other people, you are contradicting yourself in the above statements

I think she does want to be free to have sex with others, she's only in her mid-twenties and you're not that much older. I don't think she wants to be tied to one man right now. She may never want that.

If you are meant to be together forever, let each other go, see what happens.

Swinging together might work one day. I don't think you're ready for it now. First you have to figure out where you're at in your relationship.

LM