She wants freedom to play - Should we swing?

[JustAskJulie]

As others have said, this isn't a swinging issue but definately a relationship one. Marriage isn't for everyone and there are plenty of couples on this board who have opted to not marry but who understand that while marriage isn't a requirement that committment is. It sounds to me (from what you say) that perhaps your wife still has alot of growing up to do before she will really be ready to committ to the level that you need her to, and to the level that she will need to be able to before the two of you can really consider swinging.

Your descriptions of your relationship remind me a lot of my relationship with a boyfriend I had 13 years ago. We broke up often thinking that we were screwing things up by being in a relationship. We had to go our seperate ways finally and grow up. 10 years later he became my husband.

[Mr.Essex]

Just separate. If it's meant to be, you'll find yourselves together again. And, in this case, it looks like you're trying to block an opened vein with a glass-covered bandage. Unless, of course, you're willing to live with an "part-time wife". (AKA, my weekend date, my weeknight "booty call", my "willing to take off a week from work to see my parents but can't get used to sleeping beside me on a daily basis" wife). I've seen it done. Sometimes it actually works. (Hubby's a snorer and wifey's a violent sleeper, etc.) And sometimes, sadly, it doesn't.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by leoinheat

Does any of this make any sense???????????????? It does to us, but our families don't get it.

That totally makes sense. Sounds like you both just like to think outside the box. Married...and then went back to DATING? Heaven forbid! How disgracefully unconventional!

You sound a bit like Mr. intuition and me. I am like your girlfriend: genetically and environmentally wired to loathe rules, schedules, and pigeon-holes. I friggin' hate them. Mr. intuition came from a family that prided themselves on punctuality, efficiency, and their commitment to duty, family, and community. Appearances are important to his family, and I'm not saying it's wrong. It's just that I was raised more to fly by the seat of my pants. But we seem to have it more or less worked out. He keeps my head from floating too long in the clouds, and I keep him from miring himself down in the muddy details of things.

Like I said, I have no idea what your plans are for your relationship, or if you see yourselves having a family and a house with a picket fence, or if you're the type to pack the kids up on the sailboat, homeschool them, and sail around the world. Maybe you won't want kids at all. I'm not about to judge you by your marital status when it's obvious you know yourselves well enough to realize that marriage isn't right for you at this point in your lives. Or that you don't want to be associated with it because of the assumptions others will make, the boxes they'll put you in, the rules they'll expect you to live by. I actually admire that. In fact, Mr. intuition and I got out of the habit of wearing our wedding bands for similar reasons. We don't need a piece of paper and a couple of rings or a public ceremony for us to feel our relationship is successful. We don't measure it that way.

Have a look for more threads about penis size and jealousy. There's tons of them here. It's all been said on here at least once before.

[SamuiCouple]

Originally Posted by leoinheat

Thanks to everyone for all your advice! I agree that Swinging may have to be put on hold while we strengthen our relationship, if that's the way it goes.
She moved out because she wanted to be with her family, she missed being able to come and go as she pleases (I NEVER told her sho couldn't do anything). She missed not having to come home and be on a routine. She is a VERY VERY VERY change and freedom oriented individual. Most people have kind of a set daily routine, she resents those people. She HATES predictability. SHe takes a different way to work every other day just to avoid seeing the same scenery. I too am some what like this, but not to the degree she is. So, really she did not want to be one of those "typical house wives" types.
Many people don't understand her (or us) because we are different from most couples in the way that we both kinda do our own thing. Marriage was just a bad idea for us, once we got married EVERYTHING changed. We started to take each other for granted, being around each other constantly started to drive us both insane. We have taken a few steps backwards as we are now just dating again. We see each other a couple times per week and when we do we really have a GREAT TIME in and out of the bedroom!!! Our relationship is starting to feel "new" again. So we plan on being faithful to each other, but not being married or "tied down."
Does any of this make any sense???????????????? It does to us, but our families don't get it.

"Swinging will destroy an insecure relationship". This is true, most times. But in most cases that relationship will either settle down into boredom, if it is saved, or fall apart eventually anyhow, probably both.

What you describe are two people who have personalities that desire excitement and constant renewal. There is a case to be made that trying to 'fix' such a relationship in the standard 'suburban' way is a recipe for failure, and will lead to future regret of life wasted.

On the flip side, such personalities may just find each other more stimulating if swinging is introduced, and grow closer because of it. Boredom is the greatest foe of sexually adventurous people, and can kill a relationship before it can even start.

There is no blanket statement that can advise a couple. Everything depends on their personalities.

I submit that the majority of swingers are what i would term vanilla swingers. Suburbia breaking the boredom. The two of you don't sound like you fall into that category.

I'll put my asbestos suit on now.

[azaria_lyn]

I agree that marriage isn't for everyone and even living with your partner isn't for everyone...and I don't think that these things make you and your wife crazy or wrong, just different from what a lot of other people do.

It's great that you are rediscovering each other. If you do attempt swinging, as someone already mentioned, swinging does involve commitment to rules. In order for the two of you to swing successfully, you BOTH have to be able to agree upon rules of behavior which neither of you will break under ANY circumstances. Is this something you could do? Would she agree to this or would she feel it is limiting?

[the roman]

relationships can be so confusing. since we are not all clones but rather individuals with different parents, cultures and experiences - it stands to reason that we will have many conflicts. we interpret, process and solve problems differently. if u think about it, every time you as a couple work through a conflict - not ignore it but really understand it and figure it out - man..the love and intimacy you gain is awesome....its that warm, deep, secure feeling that is probably the best feeling one can experience.
without children the level of connection (and devotion)is different and that can undermine your efforts to "re-unite". Your justifying her behaviors doesnt make sense to me. People marry because they love each other, want to be with each other, want to experience life together. Her reasons for separating are BS. Most people separate because they cant make headway with the conflicts. Its too emotionally draining. Because its easier. My wife tried that and I wouldnt have it. Im Italian and she's German. Rather then push through the veil, she'd just be done...finished.
If she's made her mind up and decided she is entitled to sexual freedom - you cant change her mind or stop her. Only you know if the current scenario is really OK with you. Or maybe your taking whatever you can get to avoid losing her. (fear - i know it all too well). Regarding swinging - ya'll arent really together right now so its impossible to swing - ya'll are just 2 single people. My wife and I tried a few MMF & MFM 3somes. I dont think swinging will get u both back on track. The whole thing is about experiencing together as a cpl. I dont know man. I think you need to think long and hard about her and ya'lls relationship. it just sounds like your taking the crumbs shes tossing. i wil always 100% of the time say divorce is not an option. But life is short and if your spouse isnt committed to really working on it with you - i almost have to say move on down the road. i used to be really lost in that freaky fear place because my wife seemed to choose separation with hardly a thought. It was my worst nightmare. I let that shit go. i think she either needs to get her ass back into the house with you and b a wife or move on down the line.

[swvacouplelookn]

I have a somewhat different take on it. I agree whole heartedly that swinging will not repair a bad relationship in any manner. One thing on which I differ from most people is that I think if sexual problems are the only issue in the relationship and not any fundamental emotional issues, swinging may possibly be a good option for that couple. If emotional issues are not present and sex is the only thing lacking, then I can see having some friends come in to help out.

[willyoats]

A few years into our marriage, we hit a rough patch that was mainly caused by sexual problems. She asked if I would argee to a separation. In the back of her mind, a separation would give her permission to screw other guys.

I emphatically said NO! That turned out to be a really good thing, as it told her that I really wanted to her to be my wife for all time.

But at the same time we sort of agreed that if either of us found another person that we wanted to have sex with, that we should go ahead and do it. She did find another guy who romanced her and screwed her brains out for months, unbeknownst to me.

After the affair was over, she realized that I was really the right life partner and all has been fine ever since. That includes all the years of swinging.

[herpob]

Ditto Ditto and DITTO!

Swinging is not a fix for a relationship problem.

You sound very wishy washy and I’d bet it would make things unbearable for you. On the other hand IF you could get past your issues then you guys might be able to have a blast. But sounds like a big IF. Take the advice of so many here and work on the relationship first, go back to dating one another, etc.

I repeat, swinging is not a fix for a relationship problem. Though I our case it was the fix for the sexual issue.

All that aside, if you were able to handle your wife having all the sex she wanted with other men since you are turned on by the thought you might just surprise yourself and become quite the sex maniac she could be seeking.

My husband and I had a good monogamous sex life but over time he simply did not have enough time or energy for me physically. I had about all the sex imaginable I could do by myself when he was gone, it was fun and all that but not the same as with a real person. Sure I could orgasm but I didn’t have that interaction I craved and no male cum (which is a major deal for me).

When we finally agreed to me having sex with other men not only did I get all the interaction I wanted, the sex, and the cum I wanted, my husband would come home from traveling sooooo amazingly hot and horny for me. Our sex had been good but it got better. He is stimulated more by thoughts and mental pictures (loads of verbal and written explanations or detailed descriptions) and me sending him emails or leaving messages telling him what all went eventually turned my husband into as much as a sex nut as me. We found his secret even after all the time we had been together and didn’t know it. The more I text him or voice message him my lurid details the more prepared mentally for sex he gets.

So as I mentioned, since you are turned on by the thought and if you were able to handle your wife having all the sex she wanted with other men you might just surprise yourself and become quite the sex maniac she could be seeking after all.

If it is a sexual issue I have found that is the easiest of all to tend to, but if it more than that you need to be very careful how you move forward. Make certain to clarify the problem.