Open Relationship vs. Swinging

[tcphoenix]

Hi, this is my first post on this forum. Our basic story is that my wife (36) and I (29) have had a VERY vanilla sexual life thus far (married almost 9 years). Recently though we both got very honest with each other regarding what we wanted sexually from our relationship. We both discussed threesomes, she's open to that. In addition, I told her that I would like to try swinging. She was quite shocked but not immediately turned off; conflicted is more the word. We've talked about it extensively for the last couple of days and she feels like after sleeping with only me for the last nine years, she is decidedly nervous and unsure about sleeping with others as a couple.

She did suggest we try an open relationship, she said she was ok with that because we wouldn't have to "perform" in front of each other and she felt it would be easier to lead into threesomes and other things if we got used to having sex with other people before we tried together. Initially I was a bit leary but I agreed; she said I could have a sexual encounter first and we'd go from there. One thing I'm finding though is that there's no one out there on places like AFF that's even remotely interested. I've read on here that this is actually quite common.

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm asking here but I'd appreciate any opinions ya'll might want to share. My wife is gorgeous (she doesn't think so) and I KNOW she could get as many sexual partners as she wanted. I just think I'm going to strike out and either not start this process at all or agree to let her go first and then never get "my turn" so to speak. Does that make sense? She's open to considering just about anything but swinging together makes her very nervous because it's been so long since we've had sex with anyone but the two of us. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated! What helped ease your fears as you tried this out?

T

[two4youinswva]

First of all, welcome to the forum.

Trying to give your post a little bump, since it has fallen off the front page of the New Posts tab.

Your assumption that she will find it easier to hook up is most likely correct.

Have you two considered separate room swinging? Some couples prefer this for a variety of reasons.
It would take away the pressure to perform, and still allow you two to discover the world of recreational sex together.

Continue discussing your concerns with each other. That communication may shed more light on each of your concerns and desires.

[mixtupcpl]

I feel replying to these is becoming my specialty!!!

My wife and I are 10 years ahead of you guys. We're in our upper 30's and had an open marriage for 10 years.

My wife is exactly the same as yours in that she feels very strange with the idea of "performing" in front of each other and is more comfortable alone. She's also similar in that she's gorgeous but doesnt realize it.

So we closed the marriage shortly before joining this site... Our experience was that an open marriage is VERY easy. Easier than swinging I think. As you'd imagine, for the lady, finding fuck buddies is as easy as breathing. For the guy, its not so easy, but one night stands arent really as hard as you might think (esp if you travel)

The downsides are endless. We had way too much drama over the years and singles that didnt "get it" even though they said they did. Some were cheating, most got clingy, all ended badly. Emotional attachments tend to to form also. You can be insulated from the power of these (we were) but "vanilla" singles never are.

So that comes back to this lifestyle. Swinging (which we havent done yet) is interesting, but its very difficult. We've been casually perusing and are realizing that 4 way attraction is pretty unlikely for us, I think. I have lots of theories on why this is, but to net it out, we would need a couple with a really good looking guy and a kind of average wife. LOL. (Im not picky at all, she is pure physical attraction in a fuck buddy) Not a likely scenario. The opposite is very likely though!

For threesomes, neither one of us are all that excited about MFM and are already EXTREMELY gunshy with single males. She is interested in FMF or maybe FFM, but good luck with that one! Swinging single females are called unicorns for a reason!

so that may confuse you more, but welcome to the club! feel free to PM if you want more detail on what we've been through over the years. And WELCOME! this forum is great.

To leave you with some advice...

Take a closer look at why you want this. Some things really are better left as fantasy. Also, you will ALWAYS be behind in the count (I sure as hell am... LOL) Make sure thats something that can plug into your fantasy and not cause trouble. I'm not the kind of guy that is massively turned on by my wife with another guy (although it IS a turn on, its not something I fixate on), but I'm also not bothered by her being way ahead. The other thing is, I know what we have together and I know it cant be replaced. As a result of that, everything we do starts and stops on a dime at the request of either of us. Before doing ANY of this that kind of foundation is mandatory.

If you feel you really are ready to experiment, I would say avoid the open marriage for now and attend some meet and greets to test the waters on swinging. If you find that you're easily attracting other couples that you find attractive, then you will, I think, ultimately find this lifestyle more rewarding. You can always find a more experienced couple and say that you want to start out full swap separate room (thats what we would do) Many experienced couples would be cool with that.

[tcphoenix]

Hmmm.... mind if I ask why hot guy and average wife? I'm kind of curious about that. lol

Thanks for replying and the welcome BTW, I'll probably PM you at some point if you don't mind.

[mixtupcpl]

Thats an easy question.... Im very open in what I find generally attractive in a woman. I mean I have some very strong preferences, but like most guys, pretty much any decently HWP woman is great!

For my wife, when it comes to just sex, personality and charisma take a way back seat to physical attraction. After all, she's not marrying the guy. So she's pretty picky. Most couples we find have a male half where she says "bleh". If the male half is an "ooooo", then the female half is WAY out of my league There you go... Total honesty

[MRSfun]

Welcome to the Swingers Board

This is going to take some time for either of you to really get an understanding of what the possibilities are. I wouldn't think just a few days of extensive talking, would work for many. I hope you and your wife can sit and talk about many things over a few weeks at least, and be willing to change at anytime. Even if you decide playing separate there is allot to consider.

Bring her to this board and listen to some of the advice from everyone. It would be nice to hear some of her views.

Glad you found us here on the board

[tcphoenix]

Ah.... ok, that makes sense. lol thanks for the honestly!

[tcphoenix]

Originally Posted by MRSfun

Welcome to the Swingers Board

This is going to take some time for either of you to really get an understanding of what the possibilities are. I wouldn't think just a few days of extensive talking, would work for many. I hope you and your wife can sit and talk about many things over a few weeks at least, and be willing to change at anytime. Even if you decide playing separate there is allot to consider.

Bring her to this board and listen to some of the advice from everyone. It would be nice to hear some of her views.

Glad you found us here on the board

Thanks, glad I found this board too! I know that if we decide to go down this road it's not going to be a quick and easy thing. We're destined for many a conversation I think because there's an understandable difference between fantasy and reality. That said, she knows I'm on here; hopefully she's reading and is willing to make a post at some point.

[slevin]

For a guy in your position I think it will be far easier for you to pickup non-swinging-lifestyle women than to find a woman on a site like AFF or Swing Lifestyle that doesn't just assume you're a cheating husband. It's pretty amazing how often a woman out at a bar or at a coffee shop just won't care that you're married. Scary how often actually. If you're not the most adept guy at approaching women and picking them up there is plenty of information out there that can help you learn how to do that. Despite what most guys think, it is something that can be learned.

[tcphoenix]

Originally Posted by slevin

For a guy in your position I think it will be far easier for you to pickup non-swinging-lifestyle women than to find a woman on a site like AFF or Swing Lifestyle that doesn't just assume you're a cheating husband. It's pretty amazing how often a woman out at a bar or at a coffee shop just won't care that you're married. Scary how often actually. If you're not the most adept guy at approaching women and picking them up there is plenty of information out there that can help you learn how to do that. Despite what most guys think, it is something that can be learned.

I "could" do that although picking up women has never been a specialty of mine, the missus can definitely vouch for that! lol... The problem though is that I have a profession that would not take kindly to that type of activity. I could potentially end up in a world of trouble if caught hunting for ladies in local bars, etc. Hope that makes sense...

[slevin]

Originally Posted by tcphoenix

I could potentially end up in a world of trouble if caught hunting for ladies in local bars, etc. Hope that makes sense...

No, that makes no sense to me at all.

[ViSexual]

slevin,

He's, obviously, in the Marines and the US military is pretty right wing.

Hey, btw, I went through my recon training at Geiger a very long time ago..., Ohhyaaa!

May I make a suggestion? I'd think you two could find another, inexperienced, couple to talk about this with. That just might make your wife more comfortable. There are a lot of couples, thinking, but not doing.

And when it got right down to some 'doing' it would be possible to simply double date..., separately, if that would make your wife more comfortable. And, of course, the other couple agreed.

Good luck, and thanks for your service!

[slevin]

Having not been in the military I still don't get it. The military would actually care that a married Marine picked up a single girl while out during his daily life away from the military?

[JustMrJ]

My wife and I discussed, talked, communicated quite a lot for over two years before we actually began what is commonly known as 'swinging'. We only wanted to see each other while our partner was with someone for the first time to make sure we would be okay with the situation. Our first time was at a house party.

Our first 'play date' was at a single male's home with one of his regular playmates. This was our first time for separate room sex completely. It was a bit easier to focus on the task at hand than at a house party for one thing, for another we were close enough we could hear the other couple if we wanted to, so it was good to hear my wife enjoying herself while I was doing the same just one room away.

Since then we have been to quite a few house parties and on a few 'play dates'.

I'm not quite sure if your definition of an open marriage is how I would define it... Our marriage is open, but we also KNOW who each other plays with. I don't think I would feel comfortable with my wife going off by herself on a 'play date' unless I knew the players involved and I KNOW I would feel really weird doing that with her at work or staying at home. Feels too much like cheating to me... even if we know the players. She has already expressed to me that she would feel 'weird' if I wasn't within earshot during play too.

Either way you choose, make sure your communication with each other is open, honest and complete... no holding back.

I mean, you wouldn't want to give a pilot only partial coordinates for an air strike near your position would you?

Good luck... communicate and have fun, no matter your path in life!

[JTcamp05]

Why dont you to try with swinging couples, but state clearly that you prefer seperate rooms. Then of course there is no pressure of "watching", yet still the comfort of knowing the other 1/2 is ok.

Even if she's not ready yet, everyone has boundries and if they are stated upfront, I think most couples will understand and take the time with a new couple to make them comfortable.

Just an idea...