We've decided to have an open-marriage - so now how do I find women?

[lubeteck23]

Me and my wife decided not to go swingers route but the open marriage route. I am not the best looking man and I have low self-esteem and I have problems talking to other women. How can I start to talk to other women?

[SecretAsianMan]

Well... part of it is just getting out there & over-coming that fear. Realizing that the worst that can happen is they'll say "no" -- don't take it too personally. Just know that everyone's got different tastes & everyone's going to be attracted to different things.

Men aren't typically held to QUITE the same standards of "beauty" (you'll see far more "Barbies" than you will "Kens" in my opinion) ... and the lifestyle is very open to all types.

Try chatting with people online ... it's a great way to "break the ice" and get comfortable talking to women. Bring your wife with you to clubs / events and have her help you along with the conversations and introduce you to people. If you can talk to your friends... you can talk to women. It's really not THAT much different (especially in the swinger's world)

Be confident in yourself and know that you've got something to offer ... and don't worry so much about ONLY your looks. Personality goes really far.


Believe me, if I were only making it on my looks - I'd be getting no where fast! (*laughing*)

[jjtrindc]

First things first, try to meet other couples online and chat via email or IM. That way when you meet you'll already have some things in common. You can also try chat rooms. Also, when you do meet, meet as a couple. I tend to be a bit introverted at first, but once the conversation gets going it's easy to jump in. With four different people involved you can let others carry the conversation until you're ready.

If that doesn't work why don't you try to speak with a counselor. He or she may be able to help you work through your issues and recommend options to help you in a public setting.

My personal opinion is that if you go the "open marriage" route for the wrong reasons, you'll only suffer more self-esteem issues.

Best of luck.

[slevin]

So, I'm going to recommend a few things that are going to be a bit different than most I suspect. Chatting with women online seems easier (and it is), but it won't actually help you get over your issues with being shy and nervous about meeting women in public and learning how to attract them. Yes, I said learning how to attract women. There are certain things that innately attract someone (looks, style etc.), but there is a lot more to attracting someone and that is something that anyone can figure out and learn. Much of it has to do with building your confidence with yourself, recognizing that you have a lot of value as a person (not monetary, not 'stuff' but rather you as a person) and translating that into interactions with people. Approaching personal interaction with confidence is a very attractive thing for both men and women.

Email me or send me a PM and I'll get into a bit more specifics with you if you're willing to open up a bit more information about your situation.

On the subject of being "less attractive", there is a lot you can do about that too if you're not happy with yourself. Hit the gym, eat better, get more sleep, see a dentist, get a new haircut, get some new clothes that fit better (this can have dramatic impacts), ensure that you are clean and smell great. Looks are far from everything; being clean, smelling good and dressing well are often all someone needs. A good friend of mine is incredibly good at meeting women, attracting them and 'picking them up', and he's also one of the ugliest people I know

So don't let a self critical view of yourself limit you, don't let it stop you from knowing that you can do this.

All of this is aside from whether or not you should have an open marriage. That I have no experience with and can't comment on.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by SecretAsianMan

Well... part of it is just getting out there & over-coming that fear. Realizing that the worst that can happen is they'll say "no" -- don't take it too personally. Just know that everyone's got different tastes & everyone's going to be attracted to different things.

I posted my comment saying my advice was going to be a bit different, then looked back over the thread and see you and I said a lot of the same things lol. I must have missed this one when I read through. I feel dumb now!

There is a lot of work involved in getting to the point of knowing that you have a lot of value as a person, of realizing that the worst someone can say is no and most importantly realizing that getting rejected is not a bad thing. They aren't rejecting you as a person.

[fun4Ds]

Notice things about a woman first. What attracts you to the woman in question that you want to talk to. You know, beautiful women don't always walk down a runway like models. They are all around us everyday, in real life.

Ask subtle questions without being pushy.

Then listen.

Notice more things, and pay attention !

Listen to a womans tone, its important.

Some women don't want you to agree with everything they say. Just be yourself ! Have... or find confidence in yourself. Don't give a woman a reason to not like you or want you around. On a bad day, they can appreciate your apology for being a dick about things. Try to stay away from that conversation.. It sucks....

Some women don't want you to tell them what they need to do. They want to be heard and understood, and sort complex things out together... We men sometimes try to have the solution to everything way to quick and easy. Its not that easy.... Because we don't have the capabilities to understand and feel, what they are saying. Take time... I know I don't know what a woman thinks, I don't know how a woman feels about many things. Don't bullshit a woman, they don't like that ! It doesn't take long for a woman to see through that !

We may have things we can relate to, but its always from a different perspective. Never listen to a woman, then sum it up, and tell her what she needs to do. It doesn't work like that.... you will probably fail. Unless it a case of a flying object about to conk her in the head.... thats the times for quick evaluation and a suggestion of... Duck They like warnings.

Always appreciate a womans mystery... Its a beautiful thing
Always appreciate a womans conversation.... Let it be amazing and captivating with every woman you meet. They are all different in so many ways..... Give them valid reasons to trust you.

It takes time and patience I would hope that should get some kind of conversation going for you.

Are you wanting to know how to talk more about.., sex with a woman ?

Cant help ya...... were all on our own

Just kidding..... Its about passion..... Not always yours.... Hers

[good times]

Don't have any real suggestions for you on how to talk to women, as my experience is, some guys have it and some don't.

One observation we have made regarding open relationships might be something for you to think about though. We have met several couples who tried an open relationship before becoming swingers. Without exception the woman was able to find as many willing playmates as she wanted and the man found none. For some reason, men have an easier time accepting a woman for sex that is married than women do. The bottom line is, the only people we have met that enjoyed open relationships were the ones where the guy was more into the cuckold thing, rather than hooking up with other women.

[iapr]

I agree with what Good Times said in the prior post.

When you say you do not want to go the swinger route but an open relationship instead what does that mean to you? If that means you are each going to pursue your own playtime and extracurricular activities separately you need to understand that your wife's opportunies will be boundless and yours will be pretty much nonexistant.

Good times is right, it is very rare that many women will enter into any kind of recreational sex arraingement with a married man even if he is good looking, confident and charming. The exception to that is if you were to pursue an outright affair and promise some gal with a lot of issues that you are going to leave your wife and marry her.

If you want to sit at home alone every night while your wife goes out you are headed down the right track here If you actually want to be in the game you will need to do a little homework and reevaluate. The fact that you have some confidence issues indicates that an open relationship may not be in your better interests.

You will need a lot more than just a few catchy lines if you are wanting to get into that game.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by good times

Don't have any real suggestions for you on how to talk to women, as my experience is, some guys have it and some don't.

One observation we have made regarding open relationships might be something for you to think about though. We have met several couples who tried an open relationship before becoming swingers. Without exception the woman was able to find as many willing playmates as she wanted and the man found none. For some reason, men have an easier time accepting a woman for sex that is married than women do. The bottom line is, the only people we have met that enjoyed open relationships were the ones where the guy was more into the cuckold thing, rather than hooking up with other women.

Couldnt agree more..

As far as talking to women, Secret Asian Man Is absolutely right, Consider for a second, exactly what he said.. the worst thing a woman can say is NO.. But suppose, you do not gather the courage, and she would have said YES..

The only thing WORST than rejection, is a MISSED opportunity

[lubeteck23]

Thanks for all the messages.

[JustAskJulie]

I have to ask why you opted to go with an open-marriage over swinging?

Unless you just have a really out-going attractive personality (and probably body too) you (the guy) are always going to find it harder to meet women to play with than she will. Most guys simply don't care what the woman's situation is and many will be attracted to the idea that maybe he's pulling one over on some other guy. Most women, don't feel that way and will at best want a note from your wife (or a phone call) to confirm that you aren't lying to them.