issues w/my friend who is playing w/out her husband

[lil_darlin]

My husband and I have only been in the lifestyle since April and so far we have had some fun experiences. We both enjoy playing separately w/the right couple and since last month, we've been seeing another couple fairly regularly, have only been w/one other couple once, other than that we see this couple, almost every weekend it seems. One night my girlfriend and I went out and met up with the hubby(this was already planned, my hubby was out w/the wife and I was going out w/the hubby). After a fun night of karoake, the 3 of us went home and had a threesome. It was fun, but then she and him started talking alot and seeing more of eachother. I'm starting to feel some jealousy. It's weird cuz he's not my husband! However, she is married but her husband does not want to be in this lifestyle, and unfortunately does not know what all she does/has done behind his back.

First of all I should explain that there is a bond between us cuz she was the one who got us started in all this in the first place not to mention she was my first girl experience! I had a 3some with her and her guy friend who is single in the LS and then my hubby came over and we did a full swap! Hubby and I went full force since that experience and haven't really looked back. But, it's a strange situation all around, to be so close to her, playing w/her, etc. while she is married and her hubby does not know! I don't know him very well at all, she did try to get him involved a while back, hubby and I swapped w/them...... then we had a swap session at the other couple's house but her hubby just was not interested. They have alot of issues obviously that will not be solved by becoming swingers. But she is not stopping......

So I have a couple of issues I'm struggling with: on one hand I feel like by allowing her to play w/us, whether it's w/me and another guy or couple or my husband(not that anything's happened w/my husband since the first time), I am encouraging her to cheat on her husband, but on the other hand it's none of my business and she is a consenting adult. And then the other issue is the jealousy, like she is interfering w/my fun w/this couple that hubby and I like very much, both in and out of the LS. I brought some of this up to her, and of course she immediately got defensive, saying I'm judging her and stuff. So I backed off and told her well it's none of my business I guess but I do feel like she is in some kind of competition w/me. For example, she was talking to my hubby once and he told her that the other guy(from this couple we're seeing) texts me and calls me sometimes....and she was like "really, well he called me and we talked for over an hour". Things like that, like she's trying to one up me. Of course she denied all of this and said she is just having fun w/this guy, not trying to "steal him away" or anything like that. And I know it sounds stupid to feel like that but I guess I worry she is going to try and do this w/every couple my hubby and I play with! I guess I've learned my lesson not to introduce her to any of our "friends" but she is my only "real" friend outside of the LS that knows what I'm doing, we met in our kid's playgroup for pete's sake! No one else of my friends or family knows.

The other couple and even my husband do not seem to be bothered by any of this one bit. They seem to think I'm causing all this drama, that I should not worry about it so much, lay back and have fun! But it keeps popping up in my head and I wanted to get some other viewpoints on everything. So glad I found this message board!

[fun4Ds]

Well, I can see your point. Welcome to the Swingers Board

We don't play with anyone hiding something behind their partners back....knowingly !

They can keep their drama themselves. Don't bring it in our relationship.....

If Mrs.fun told me about not wanting to play with anyone for what ever reason... Thats the way it is !!! We both make each other happy by keeping each other above everyone els.

Telling Mrs.fun to lay back, enjoy herself, and don't cause drama. Because I want to fuck someone who is sneaking behind her husbands back....... that wouldn't work.

[2inVT]

What a messy situation. Like fun4Ds, we don't play with folks who are married and cheating.

Regardless of that, buying into possessiveness and jealousy over someone who is not your husband, is a huge mistake.

[des1re06]

Hi and welcome!

Sometimes we have to step back from all the fun and excitement, and just communicate. Is this still fun for us? Is it enhancing our marriage?

Re-examine your reasons for swinging.

From your initial post, it sounds like you go out and play separately. So, you have a different dynamic than we do. I have a hard time understanding a husband not putting his wife's feelings first. Your relationship should be priority one.

On the other hand, you've known about her situation and continued to play with her until you felt threatened by her. If the other couple weren't involved, would you still play with her?

Mrs. D

[spvcouple]

Two things that we see in this situation...

#1- If g/f's husband doesn't know what she is doing, then it could get really sticky when he does find out. Although when we attend a house a house party or a club we aren't sure if someone is stepping out on their spouse, we never meet someone outside of those times who is attached without their mate present. It works for us and that way we are assured (with a reasonable certainty) that they are NOT cheating.

#2- You would have to be pretty dog-gone naive to believe that either one of them was exclusive with you. If that is what you wanted, you should have made it clear from the get-go with your male play partner. Of course, if you were exclusive (or wanted to be) you never would have had the three-way with him and your g/f. You need to drop the jealousy.

Since we only play with our spouse present we have avoided some of these issues. Many people are suprised that we have that rule, but it is what works for us and what we are comfortable with doing. But in your case, the Genie is already out of the bottle and he would be hard to put back in there.

One thing I am curious about. Are you seeing less of him than you were because of his play with your g/f? If not, who cares??

K and D

[realcplub2]

Ok, lets settle down now.. No need to cast fire and brimstone..

Here is the thing, regardless of how ANYONE spins it, you are in the middle of someone else's mess.

Because you DO have a bond with this other girl, maybe thats the place to start.. Sit her down and tell her where YOU are coming from..

Yes you did enable her to cheat, HOWEVER, in reality no one actually makes you DRINK THE KOOLAIDE.. The next thing is, Regardless of what your girlfriends activity with the OTHER GUY, yes he is your Special friend, but he someone elses HUSBAND.. Clue her in, and let her deal with it, if its that big of a concern..

Finally, as much as you care for your girlfriend.. Maybe its time to limit her contact with you and your husband lifestlye friends.. As the old saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea..

In this case, since she wants to FLY solo, there are plenty of playmates looking for a solo female.. and they are EVERYWHERE

[lil_darlin]

Thanks guys. You've given me alot to think about. And I guess I've realized one thing: I think I've been transferring my emotions about the jealousy onto this other guy when it's really about my husband.

First of all I didn't mean to give the impression that my husband is saying all those things...."Telling Mrs.fun to lay back, enjoy herself, and don't cause drama. Because I want to fuck someone who is sneaking behind her husbands back....... that wouldn't work. " No one has ever actually said to just lay back and don't cause drama! I am sensitive and felt that was what they MAY be feeling but no one has actually said those words to me.

Hubby and I talked alot last night and although I'm still having some issues w/the lifestyle, we are enjoying ourselves for the most part and we have taken a step back from when we first started out.

I'm realizing that this has nothing to do w/the other guy or even my g/f...it just brought up the fact that I have some insecurities about being in the lifestyle and also need to communicate much more w/my hubby. He tells me not to worry that I'm the one he wants to be with and that this is just a fun way of experiencing something new and different, we can enjoy ourselves w/other people without the cheating part and be totally open and honest with eachother. And I totally get all that, I guess I just have these moments where I feel unsure of why I'm doing this in the first place since we're so new to the LS....is that normal? Or does it mean I shouldn't continue swinging??

Maybe I should post a new thread!

[lil_darlin]

Originally Posted by realcplub2

Ok, lets settle down now.. No need to cast fire and brimstone..

Here is the thing, regardless of how ANYONE spins it, you are in the middle of someone else's mess.

Because you DO have a bond with this other girl, maybe thats the place to start.. Sit her down and tell her where YOU are coming from..

Yes you did enable her to cheat, HOWEVER, in reality no one actually makes you DRINK THE KOOLAIDE.. The next thing is, Regardless of what your girlfriends activity with the OTHER GUY, yes he is your Special friend, but he someone elses HUSBAND.. Clue her in, and let her deal with it, if its that big of a concern..

Finally, as much as you care for your girlfriend.. Maybe its time to limit her contact with you and your husband lifestlye friends.. As the old saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea..

In this case, since she wants to FLY solo, there are plenty of playmates looking for a solo female.. and they are EVERYWHERE

Very true, very true! Thanks. I was in the middle of posting my reply when you posted yours! I am definitely gonna limit our contact w/her, and if she or anyone else doesn't like it, OH WELL! You summed all of this up very nicely for me! And very simply cuz it was starting to get too complicated, which is flat out ridiculous.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by lil_darlin

No one has ever actually said to just lay back and don't cause drama! I am sensitive and felt that was what they MAY be feeling but no one has actually said those words to me.

Well that is different then. But for us, if those things were said.... It wouldn't work out. We have been there and know from experience. We learned allot about communication in the beginning. Mainly I learned to trust Mrs.funs instincts and hunches.We had some playmates that were close. Then the female began playing without her husband. And sure enough he was actually going elswhere also... I stood the ground of "but they are our friends" Mrs.fun keep saying all along something is just not right, "Why am I in a middle of hearing her say." " Don't tell this or that to whomever" We sat down and decided to just stop playing with them. They had to work out their problems and we wanted to pursue playing with others outside this situation. Sure we stayed friends to an extent, but no sex was the rule..... It got to a point where swinging was about them instead of how it should be about us We took some advice from Good Times actually. We have friendly sex with people. Not sex with our closest friends. We found a new circle of friends for swinging . Like others have said there are plenty of swingers out there. You don't have to mesh with everyone.

Hubby and I talked allot last night and although I'm still having some issues w/the lifestyle, we are enjoying ourselves for the most part and we have taken a step back from when we first started out.

Thats really for the best

I'm realizing that this has nothing to do w/the other guy or even my g/f...it just brought up the fact that I have some insecurities about being in the lifestyle and also need to communicate much more w/my hubby. He tells me not to worry that I'm the one he wants to be with and that this is just a fun way of experiencing something new and different, we can enjoy ourselves w/other people without the cheating part and be totally open and honest with each other.

I cant express this enough to anyone new. This is about (you two) first and foremost. Not them.... Then each other as independent people also.

Knowing what makes me feel good about swinging and Mrs.fun knowing what makes her feel good about swinging..... We can work together with that

And I totally get all that, I guess I just have these moments where I feel unsure of why I'm doing this in the first place since we're so new to the LS....is that normal?

There is nothing wrong with questioning ourselves It keeps me feeling normal. Helps me with knowing where I stand. Then helps with things that I can change .

Or does it mean I shouldn't continue swinging??

Thats really up to you.

What are the reasons you do want to swing ?

[newbieswinger]

if you weren't jealous of her would you still think it was wrong she was cheating?
i wouldn't tell her husband or anythign but if you disagree with her lying to her husband then stop playing with her.
i think you'll have to get over the jealousy. the couple is going to play with other people and you can't stop that. i guess if it really bothers you then talk to the couple but be aware they may not agree with your jealous and want to see you less

[iapr]

I didn't read every detail of your post or read any of the responses but since this is a topic dealing with personal morality I'll say this as a general concept.

You are the one that has to live with yourself and you are the one that has to follow your own moral compass whether others choose to follow your same path or not.

If you are feeling distress or discomfort over something, you probably should not be doing it.

[jdavisauto]

The lifestyle is open and honest with eveyone involve. Cheating is NOT a part of the swingers lifestyle. If my wife don't know about the other lady then there IS no other lady. I love my wife way too much to hurt her that way. Sorry but the sex is just not worth it.

[J & K]

To fix this might be to just not have any more contact with those two parties until the outside party is out of the picture. That may take some time, but your involvement is no longer around as a guilty party. Find some other new friends to play with and hit this other cpl up at another time.