Open Marriage vs Swinging?

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by sexychoclit

I think that an open marriage is more "don't ask, don't tell". Swinging is when the couples choose to allow other sexual partners into their lives. How they choose to do it could be by playing together, playing separately, watching while the other one plays, etc. However, they still have the consent of the other person. A person going outside of their relationship without the other partners knowledge and lies about it if they are confronted is just plain cheating.

I think you'll find that is going to depend a LOT on the couple in question. MOST open marriages that I know are just that OPEN in that they are very open with each other about what they are each doing, the big difference between those who classify themselves as open (typically) and swingers who play seperately is that those in the open relationship and have OPEN permission set - as in they have permission from the start to do who they want rather than having to get permission on each individual beforehand. The discussions after the fact tend to be the same (as far as filling the other partner in on the details).

That said, I know there are some that fall into the generalization that you made... and I think that those couples are probably the ones that others look at and base their view of open marriage being a bad thing that pulls the couple apart (because they aren't really being open, are they?!).

[ownerspet]

I know what I think on this subject? I'm just currious as to what everyone here thinks, because I saw a thread that got me thinking. Is swinging and open-marriage the same thing? If you think it is or is not, then tell us why or why not?

[two42lovers]

Depends on what is meant by "open". Our guess is you will get as many different opinions as we saw in Lee's "Are You A Swinger?" thread, both as to what open verses swinging means, and whether talking about such labels is useful or not.

In our opinion swinging is a version of open marriage - assuming the swingers are in fact married. (Closed marriage = monogamy, verses open marriage = outside partners are approved.

[gnb4u]

I think they are completely different. To me swinging is something that a couple does together and has a strict set of rules under which they operate.

Whereas an in an open marriage the individuals may choose to be married and they may still have a set of rules they follow but they are each able to pursue and enjoy separate relationships on their own outside of their marriage.

For us when we swing it is something we do together and is part of our sex life as a couple. We do not each pursue our own interests or engage in any kind of sex or relationships without the other.

The only thing that separates us from June and Ward Clever ( from the TV show "Leave it to Beaver" for those of you under 35) is that we sometimes share our bed with others on a purely recreational basis.

Those in open marriages often have "relationships" in addition to their primary marriage. We call ourselves "sexual swingers but emotional monogamists."

Obviously the lines between "open marriage" and "polyamorous" and "swinging separately" etc can get pretty blurry and often overlap at various points.

[rpu3]

I think both are in the same "family", definitely related, and definitely both "alternative".

Whether or not the have the same definition ends up a personal choice.

I view the term open marriage more as a catch-all for a non-monogamous marriage. Swinging and poly and fuck buddies or friends with benefits all tend to fall into this catch all for me.

I think open marriage is more descriptive of our relationship together. But we might swing or have friends with benefits, or the like, and those are more descriptive of the what we are doing with those other people. So, open marriage is what we are as a couple. But in relation to others, we may swing or have individual friends w/benefits, etc. Don't know if it makes much sense, but that's where my opinion lies.

[Pensacolapair]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

Depends on what is meant by "open"....

Agreed! It's all about how you define it. The people we've known who consider themselves in 'open' marriages have seek out and have sex with others separate from their spouses. And our experience has been that they tend to shun the idea of involving others in sex between themselves and their spouse.

"Po-tay-toe or po-taa-to?"

[MIbbwcpl]

Originally Posted by geminigrey

So newbie here.. the wife and I have decided that our marriage is 'open', meaning that if we met someone we want to have sex, we have approval to go play. It's still in the theoretical stage at this point, but it's still early on.

I think the difference in what we're looking at and swinging is that even though we're a couple, I don't know that we'll play together. Honestly, I think she's more comfortable with the idea of having one-on-one with someone she's built up a friendship with than being 'exposed' to several people. Self-conscious and all that.

Which actually puts me in a worse boat than if I were a single man. The assumption (and probably with good reason!) is that a married man playing alone is cheating on their spouse, which is worse than some single guy just trying to get laid. Of course, that sounds like I'm being whiny. I'm not really out and looking for people to go have sex with, I'm just leaving the door open to possibility.

I can honestly see your worry. As a couple, we are put off by people who claim it's ok for them to play alone, unless I've heard from the other half myself that it's ok. We don't wish to get involved in cheating. Too messy, too much drama. I don't know an easy solution to your problem, unless there is some way for your wife to tell others it's ok, w/o it being too awkward for her.

I'm not saying you're in an impossible situation, just an interesting one. Good luck!

[slevin]

Originally Posted by geminigrey

Yeah, in this case it's a little less likely to happen, since dude lives in England, but still. I've tried to get on SL, but like you said, it's just boring to me. Early on I brought up the option of divorce to the wife, and she's insistent that that's not what she wants. *shrugs* So we continue to try to work on things, and life goes on.

I won't try and claim I know a whole lot about swinging or open relationships since we've only been swinging for less than a year, but we have been together for a long time and I think I've got a decent handle on building and keeping a healthy relationship.

To me her online addiction is a symptom of her being bored with her life, you mentioned some depression, she doesn't know what she wants (the shrugs) and is enthralled with her online game and the people she is meeting there. She is hiding within there to shelter herself from the monotony of her daily life. You can't force her out of that place, you can only control yourself and your own actions. I hesitate to get too personal, but if you're not comfortable answering just think about a few things to yourself: do you have many hobbies that get you out of the house? Are you physically active (playing sports, going to the gym etc.)? Do you go out a few nights with your friends on your own? Do you and your wife do anything together (hobbies, travel, trying new experiences other than having sex with others ?

When my relationship was at a point where this kind of thing was happening (although not to quite the same degree I'll admit) what got us past it, and brought us closer together, was me getting out and being active outside of the house. Spending time with friends, trying new activities, meeting new people (just friends, not sex), picking up old hobbies and generally leading an exciting life. Doing things that were fun and exciting to me. After a little while of seeing me having such a great time my wife poked her head out of her stupor a bit and rather than just waiting for her to tell me what she wanted to do, or ask her how she felt I lead her into my exciting life. One day when she seemed to be in less of a funk I told her that she and I were heading out for the night. She jumped at the chance for a night out together and I took her out for a date just the two of us. After that I started to get her out doing activities that we'd used to do together and things that I know she loves to do. Trying new things together, doing activities we both loved and sometimes activities only one of us loved (I so love to see her super excited and am happy to sit through the opera to see that).

What happened with us is that we'd gotten bogged down into a monotonous life together. We had stopped doing the things we loved to do and forgot what it was like to have an exciting relationship. I have made a point to ensure that we don't slip back to that. It doesn't mean that every night or every week we have to be doing crazy new things, but we consistently are doing something we find fun and we try new things together or do old things that we love whenever we can. Focusing on that has meant we haven't slipped back again and we both have been happy and get closer all the time.

My advice, take it for what it is (not trying to say I know all your problems lol, it just seems a lot similar to your situation).

Take care and good luck with everything!

[dayhiker]

Your are a wise man sevin .. more couples in trouble need to think about your post.

thanks

[hotwife_jenna]

We started as a traditional swing couple and slowly migrated to an open relationship. I travel alot for work and it just worked for us. We still play together when we get a chance, but most often play separately.

PS. One of our rules is that we must tell the other immediately after playing alone.

[Begood03]

I am for swinging, but against an open marriage. To me it is all about trust, and I myself don't feel we would have the same amount of trust if we were having sex with other people when we were without each other.

[willyoats]

The early years of our marriage were filled with ho-hum sex. Around year 4 we discussed having other partners and agreed to do that. We did a little fooling around with friends but no real sex. Then some guy at work got her into bed. It was OK for her but not really great. After 8 or 10 encounters, he moved away and it was over. It just satisfied her curiosity about whether there was better sex out there, and she never wanted to do that again.

Knowing about it really turned me on, and that made a big difference in our sex life for a long time.

After a few more years, we were having great sex, but I was starting to wish I could have another partner just to see what it would be like. There was nothing wrong with the marriage; maybe it was only what you might call a mid-life crisis. That's when we started swinging. That improved our sex life even more.

Now, I am the only one who has other partners but always with her complete knowledge and approval.

So, we started out "open", switched to regular swinging, and ended up "open" again.