Letting the spouse know you want to swing.

[ViSexual]

I ran across this essay the other day and really enjoyed it.

http://ohiovalleypoly.150m.com/artic...n_marriage.htm

I think it really explained how some of us feel in a way I'd never seen before.

I thought there might be many of you who would love to explain just this to your reluctant, or not knowing, spouses.

Hope it's helpful!

[fun4Ds]

It will be interesting to see where this tread goes. Its good that one can know ones self, and share this idea in such a way a Jasmin has done here.

I'll say we are different though, swinging for Jasmin seems to be about her. Thats the difference. Swinging for us is about us, together. We know what we want and its amazing how much our feelings are on the same level. Yes its true that things change the longer we find ourselves in the lifestyle. We are quite open with each other, about all aspects of swinging. But, even when we talk about sexual desires independently, we still end up how we together pursue things.

This is one thing that we found about (other) sexual play partners that has changed. We used to search for compatible partners that were on the same page as us in every way.We used to cut out those that could play alone. But now knowing more about the lifestyle and the different aspects and feelings that (others) have, we can see their reasons and feelings and have more of an understanding. Being different doesn't make or break possible play partners. Not understanding and respecting our differences could.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

we used to cut out those that could play alone. but now knowing more about the lifestyle and the different aspects and feelings that (others) have, we can see their reasons and feelings and have more of an understanding. (being different) doesn't make or break possible play partners. not understanding and respecting our differences could.

I appreciate seeing your comment, as a person that could label myself as in an open marriage label, with a side of swinging (if I was big into labels, that is). Thanks for sharing what you've learned!

[good times]

Interesting read, but one should keep in mind that an open marriage and swinging while having at least one thing in common, are two totally different things.

I agree with fun4Ds except that we have actually decided that we will not play with people in open marriages any more. The reason for that is clearly pointed out in that article. The people we have played with were primarily looking for people outside of their marriages to have an emotional relationship with. Something that, as swingers, we are not looking for at all. We have played with several couples in an open relationship, and it always ended in too much drama for us when the other couple realized that we weren't interested in the emotional connection they were seeking.

[lovinher]

One thing I have learned is that there are many different reasons people are here and it's good to know them. I'm sure this essay applies to many and that's fine. But not us. I have no need for "other". I do a have desire (not a need) to expand our sex life together. To be honest I think I would avoid somebody looking for an "other".
The day we need it is the day we are done with it.

[fun4Ds]

Thoughts ?

[xxxboxy]

We don't swing to avoid cheating, we don't swing for a new emotional connection. For us, swinging is a team sport...we both give and receive as in a true partnership. I confess that I don't really understand those who seek emotional relationships outside of their marriage, I won't condemn it just don't understand it.

[padoc]

We both came from oppressive marriages where for Mrs Doc, shutdown was the result and for me, it was multiple affairs. When we got together, I broached the subject of swinging after seeing a news story on the now defunct Club Kama Sutra in Philly. Mrs Doc gave it some thought and after some discussion, we slowly dipped our toes and then jumped in the deep end. The point is, to be a successful swinging couple, both people must be open and willing and a free discussion is the first step. If you can't even talk about it with your s/o, the lifestyle is definitely NOT for you as a couple.

[RDfnd]

We were living in the Philly area at the time and I had read about Kamasutra. I (R the male) really wanted to go and see what it was all about. When I casually brought it up, D, my wife reacted rather judgmentally in a negative way to put it mildly. Yet as the weekend approached the subject somehow came up again and the decision was jointly made to go.

I was fascinated, and found it extremely erotic, D didn't seem to be enjoying herself at all. We limited ourselves to the lounge where plenty of activity surrounded us and it overlooked the group room below which was in full swing. We just observed and ended up leaving after a short night and not so good time. I thought "oh well, at least we went to see that is was for real"

As the next Kamasutra party night approached, D asked if we were planning on going. I was floored.

Ended up becoming regulars and some weeks attended every night they were open. Happened to be there the night it was raided and shut down.

You can just never tell.

[mixtupcpl]

I'd want to actually talk to the author to see what she really meant, but the essay does kind of read as if an open marriage is a way to mitigate the damage of having made a mistake in partner selection to begin with.

The part that jumped out is where she called out "socially acceptable" solutions, one of which was "divorce to be with other", and her reasoning behind why this wasn't an option had to do with the ugly logistics of a divorce when kids are involved.

She says "sometimes couples just dont WANT to divorce." This seems to imply that, from her point of view, open marriages are for the most part broken marriages where the folks are sort of striking a truce to protect the kids.

While I do know some people for whom this is true, it sure isnt us and I wouldnt call this out as anything to want to celebrate, hate to say it. Being more thoughtful and honest with yourself and your partner before marriage, during, before childbirth and after, is probably a better approach.

I think the miserable failure rate of marriage in our society is more due to people making impulsive decisions and having no connection to their own true feelings and needs (much less someone elses) than it is due to some twist of genetics.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

I'd want to actually talk to the author to see what she really meant, but the essay does kind of read as if an open marriage is a way to mitigate the damage of having made a mistake in partner selection to begin with.

Sometimes we can choose the best possible mate, but still have needs that are unmet. I don't see the contradiction in this. I think for most of us, no one person can meet all of our needs. That doesn't mean we have made a mistake.

I cannot imagine anyone in this world who would be a better husband for me than Mr. Fuse. Having done both the swinging thing and the poly thing, I can say for sure that it is both a way of finding the exciting newness, AND -- sometimes feeling the immense relief of having a relationship with someone who has the qualities I miss in Mr. Fuse. I am absolutely sure I made the right choice in a husband. I also know that he is missing a few qualities I wish he had. How I could I expect more from him? I don't believe there is any conflict in saying there's no one on earth I'd rather spend time with, and still enjoying and wanting relationships with others, and wanting that for my beloved.

We have a friend who's not in a broken marriage -- it's just that his considerable sexual needs have never been met. However, they have a wonderful marriage and life together, and a fantastic daughter. Did he make a mistake in mate selection? Maybe, but I doubt it. I've never heard him express any teeny little desire to divorce. He would like to have an open marriage, but is sure his wife would never hear of it. So he does one of the "not acceptable, but understood" things: he cheats. Again, that doesn't mean he chose the wrong wife. Just that life and marriages and relationships are imperfect.

[mixtupcpl]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Sometimes we can choose the best possible mate, but still have needs that are unmet. I don't see the contradiction in this. I think for most of us, no one person can meet all of our needs. That doesn't mean we have made a mistake.

I cannot imagine anyone in this world who would be a better husband for me than Mr. Fuse. Having done both the swinging thing and the poly thing, I can say for sure that it is both a way of finding the exciting newness, AND -- sometimes feeling the immense relief of having a relationship with someone who has the qualities I miss in Mr. Fuse. I am absolutely sure I made the right choice in a husband. I also know that he is missing a few qualities I wish he had. How I could I expect more from him? I don't believe there is any conflict in saying there's no one on earth I'd rather spend time with, and still enjoying and wanting relationships with others, and wanting that for my beloved.

We have a friend who's not in a broken marriage -- it's just that his considerable sexual needs have never been met. However, they have a wonderful marriage and life together, and a fantastic daughter. Did he make a mistake in mate selection? Maybe, but I doubt it. I've never heard him express any teeny little desire to divorce. He would like to have an open marriage, but is sure his wife would never hear of it. So he does one of the "not acceptable, but understood" things: he cheats. Again, that doesn't mean he chose the wrong wife. Just that life and marriages and relationships are imperfect.

Well this is debateable really... That said, this wasnt really what I was driving at when it comes to that article. I agree that people can be completely happy and still get an itch for something different. I dont feel cheating is ever justified, but I can see why even totally happy people would want to have an open marriage...

But I think the author doesnt sound like she sees that though... Her point seemed to be that having an open marriage is some sort of divorce alternative. I may be misreading, but she did list "divorce" as one option along with "open marriage" and "cheat".

I just dont see any of those as belonging in the same list. If your relationship is doomed to divorce, you can come up with various ways to somehow stay together for the sake of the kids, money, or what have you, but ultimately I think thats a sad thing.

A *functional* open marriage isnt that (at least from our point of view being in one)

Again, I may be misreading here... Id be curious to see if that was her intended message or not.

[Chicup]

While I can say we didn't swing to avoid cheating, I can't say that swinging hasn't avoided cheating.

The reason is that if the cheating was of a sexual only nature, we have met those desires. I noticed that when we started swinging I became LESS flirty with women, it wasn't a conscious thing.

So while I can say certainty Mrs. Chicup would have never cheated on me (its completely against her nature, she wont' even read a book where a main character she is suppose to have sympathy for cheats) and I would like to say that about myself, who knows for sure?

I will say I have less sympathy for swingers who cheat, as they have very limited excuses

[Chicup]

Just for fun I did some digging and the author is still very active in the poly life style, including combining it with the UU church.

Her posts seem quite articulate and intelligent, so points there. No idea if her original husband is still part of the mix.

If you search the authors name, you can find her email and ask her

[mixtupcpl]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Just for fun I did some digging and the author is still very active in the poly life style, including combining it with the UU church.

Her posts seem quite articulate and intelligent, so points there. No idea if her original husband is still part of the mix.

If you search the authors name, you can find her email and ask her

Sent!