Feeling like a hypocrite

[sexcupid]

We have agreed that we would like to play separately on occassion. As a show of 'good faith', I got to have my playtime first. Now 9 months later, he has found a playmate and wants to set something up. And I'm feeling apprehensive about it. Does this make me a hypocrite?

The woman he will be playing with is a former 'friend with benefits' (like mine was). They talk on the phone at times (usually when he is at work..his job is not in an office and he has time to talk on his cell while doing his job). Some of the conversations include her recent break up with an ex, her desire to find a 'family' man, a companion, etc. He has told her that this is for nothing more than playtime and if he gets the 'fatal attraction' vibe from her (his words not mine).

Am I just paranoid? I can't figure out what my deal is. I want to give him the same opportunity that he has given me. Any feedback is appreciated.

TIA,

Maria

[Darkblue]

Sorry but i dont like the idea of her wording

her desire to find a 'family' man, a companion, etc. He has told her that this is for nothing more than playtime and if he gets the 'fatal attraction' vibe from her (his words not mine).

If i were HIM i would not be looking to play as she sounds like trouble!!

I´m not going into too much detail but she has said herself she is looking for a family man!! well she should look elsewhere and playing with Mr sexcupid isnt a good idea.

It sounds very much like she isnt out just for play but for a new partner and remember the old saying alls fair in love and War!!

Maybe some of the other posters will be of a different opinion.

Steve

[swyngtyme]

Yes, hypocrisy is something to be concerned about, sure. But of much bigger concern is the idea of letting him go off and do something that you're not comfortable with. It's not wise.

One of the rules my wife and I decided on when we thought about getting into this was that either of us could call the whole thing off at any point if need be, and there was no concept of "fair"--if she'd gotten to play and I hadn't, and either of us wasn't comfortable with the whole thing for some reason, it all stopped, and it didn't matter that our experiences were lopsided. It was far more important that nothing happen without both of us being okay with it.

At the very least, I'd suggest that you need to talk to him about how you're feeling. You don't need to have made up your mind just to talk about it, right?

[sexcupid]

We talked about it a bit yesterday...when he wanted to make plans with her for today. His work schedule doesn't really permit for making plans too far in advance. When I was trying to set up playtime before, he had me cancel 2 before going through the 3rd time. And he always had plenty of notice (usually around a week or a few days).

The feeling of 'fairness' or keeping score seems to be all in my head. He has said that if I really don't want him to do it then he won't and will not hold my previous playtime against me.

I want to let him have this opportunity, but it just makes me uncomfortable.

As for Ms. looking for a companion...she is aware that I know what is going on and has stated that the 'conditions' set forth are ok (playtime only, no spend the nights, this isn't poly per se, he isn't looking for another girlfriend). I know that she had feelings for him previously, even though they didn't really date or have sex for very long. And after him relaying some of the recent comments and ex-drama that she is having (she still loves him, blah blah blah), the situation just makes me uncomfortable. I mean one day, she would have a phone conversation with her ex-....then call Jeff and ask for advice...then call the ex back...then Jeff again...This went on part of the day. When he told me this...I was like "WTF? Are we back in jr. high?!". Stuff like that just sends up red flags to me...but they don't seem to for him.

Am I blowing things out of proportion? We talked some last night, but it didn't really resolve anything. We will probably talk more later today, I guess I'm just trying to get some other insight.

Thanks

Maria

[lovinher]

You and your husband both know this woman has had feelings for him in the past and still loves him! Yet he would still play with her alone? IMO, it should never have gone this far and I wonder why it has.
Your hypocrisy is understandable.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by lovinher

You and your husband both know this woman has had feelings for him in the past and still loves him! Yet he would still play with her alone? IMO, it should never have gone this far and I wonder why it has.
Your hypocrisy is understandable.

Lovinher...I don't think my phrasing was clear, she still loves the boyfriend she just broke up with...that's what I meant by ex-drama. Her and my SO only 'dated' for a month or so (seeing each other only a handful of times just before we started seeing each other over 2 years ago). The depth of her feelings towards my sweetie are pure speculation...sorry for the confusion

Maria

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

Hi Maria,
If you're not comfortable, then you just aren't comfortable. It's not like this lady is the ONLY lifestyle woman in the world. If this one has issues you're not comfortable with then say so and he can pick another.
There are a very few that Mrs. Nice has disqualified for reasons like that. One lady is obviously shopping for a new husband. I FINALLY noticed what she was talking about with that one, but there's another one she has crossed off the list because she says the lady does not respect men. I've never noticed it, but I'll defer to her judgement. There are still plenty of nice ladies Mrs. Nice has no trouble with at all.
I'd suggest you find a differant playmate for him. I think this lady sounds like more trouble than she's worth.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Some of the conversations include her recent break up with an ex, her desire to find a 'family' man, a companion, etc. He has told her that this is for nothing more than playtime...

At the very least, she's trying to make him her confidante and shoulder to cry on. It's already more than playbuddies, to her.

Originally Posted by sexcupid

I know that she had feelings for him previously, even though they didn't really date or have sex for very long. And after him relaying some of the recent comments and ex-drama that she is having (she still loves him, blah blah blah), the situation just makes me uncomfortable. I mean one day, she would have a phone conversation with her ex-....then call Jeff and ask for advice...then call the ex back...then Jeff again...This went on part of the day. When he told me this...I was like "WTF? Are we back in jr. high?!". Stuff like that just sends up red flags to me...but they don't seem to for him.

She sounds like a clinger - she gets attached fast. Women going through a big break-up are even more prone and more vulnerable to fall for the next guy that comes along. Break-ups leave people confused, terribly lonely, longing to be loved, needy.

The added drama of going back and forth repeatedly between her ex and Jeff is ridiculous. She's already treating him like her closest confidant. Too much!

Originally Posted by sexcupid

The feeling of 'fairness' or keeping score seems to be all in my head. He has said that if I really don't want him to do it then he won't and will not hold my previous playtime against me.

I want to let him have this opportunity, but it just makes me uncomfortable.

I would be uncomfortable with this woman, too. Primarily, it seems that she doesn't "get" swinging. I doubt that she's cut out for this. She already got overly attached to your man once before, who's to say she won't again? You two can lay down all the rules you want with her, but that doesn't mean she won't feel what she feels, or manipulate the situation when she's in private with him.

It's great that your husband will respect your wishes and already told you that if you're really uncomfortable, he won't do it. In the playing separately scenario, it seems that each member of the couple should have veto power "just because". If it doesn't feel right, it just doesn't.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

We have agreed that we would like to play separately on occassion. As a show of 'good faith', I got to have my playtime first. Now 9 months later, he has found a playmate and wants to set something up. And I'm feeling apprehensive about it. Does this make me a hypocrite?:

Maria, you may not have an issue with him playing alone, it may be the woman. Women give you vibes...some good and some bad. Some women I have NO problem with, heck I'd go to the mall while she and Jay play...then some women I get THE VIBE...won't trust them as far as I can throw this house. It may be the woman and not the situation.

Originally Posted by sexcupid

The woman he will be playing with is a former 'friend with benefits' (like mine was). They talk on the phone at times (usually when he is at work..his job is not in an office and he has time to talk on his cell while doing his job). Some of the conversations include her recent break up with an ex, her desire to find a 'family' man, a companion, etc. He has told her that this is for nothing more than playtime and if he gets the 'fatal attraction' vibe from her (his words not mine). :

Remember the woman I said I do NOT trust? A woman talking like this would definately have my alert up...I personally would not trust a woman who uses terms such as looking for a "family man"....why? I do NOT think you are paranoid....its good to listen to your gut girl. She is leaning on your husband's shoulder over the split up, sees how he is a good family man....may just want a taste of that. Not just the sex, but the life. She is vulnerable right now and prone to bad decisions. I would suggest he not do it, but thats just my personal opinion. Best of luck to you!
Shelly

[mrs good times]

I have to ask straight up, what is the real problem here?

Is it the girl or is it letting him play separate? They are two different issues.

[lovinher]

And after him relaying some of the recent comments and ex-drama that she is having (she still loves him, blah blah blah),

Your phrasing was clear, I misread it, sorry.
My opinion doesn't change and I like mrs good times question.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by mrs good times

I have to ask straight up, what is the real problem here?

Is it the girl or is it letting him play separate? They are two different issues.

Mrs GT,

I think my main problem lies in the potential playmate. We have done separate room swap, so it's not the idea of him being alone with a playmate that bothers me.

I think it's just the potential person? Maybe I would be more comfortable if I could talk to her myself. I'm just hearing the man-version from my sweetie (ie: not many details...just 'eh, she was belly aching about her ex again' type of things).

Maria

[sexcupid]

Also, to Tybee and ShellyM....thanks for your feedback, I always enjoy reading your replies on other threads.

I'll try to respond to both here.

The potential playmate in question doesn't really seem to have any 'confidante' type friends from what I understand from Jeff. She could really use some apparently. I did comment to him that is how some women try to draw you in at first (ie: what I call the 'poor little ol' me' situation, some men can't help but try to rescue a damsel in distress...lol ). He is standing his ground stating that he is not and will not be drawn in.

As to her comments about looking for a 'family man'. I'm not sure Jeff is that. And I don't mean that in a bad way really. He doesn't want any more children, he is ok with my two from a previous relationship (and they try to be well behaved). But he is to the point in his life, he doesn't want more responsibility (we will not be having children together) and he wants to focus more on himself (he helped an ex-wife raise her 3 kids, 1 or 2 others they kind of 'adopted', and his own daughter). But he is good with my kids and likes to do 'family type' things when we have them.

She has a total of 5 kids I think (4 for sure), only 3 of them live at home with her right now. And to say that the older kids have 'issues' might be an understatement...but I think that may be more of a product of not being overly supervised and having to be more self-sufficient while mom is working to take care of that many kids by herself. (And that I will give her kudos for....4 kids by yourself!?!?! Wow.)

We each do have the 'veto power' over any potential playmates. To the comment that Tybee made about it being more than just playbuddies to her, they are friends first...so there is already a friendly attachment there, but I think she wanted something more from him and didn't get it before we got together (that is JMHO and based on pure speculation).

But on the flip side she has said that she doesn't like being alone. Well no one does, but sometimes you just have to learn to like the person you are before you try to keep molding yourself to other people's expectation. Sorry to jump in and analyze her like that, but I think she is, as you put it, a clinger.

Maria

[BiloxiCouple]

Sex with strangers is a better way to go.

No baggage. Especially in your case.

[waitress1]

There is definately something to be said about a woman's intuition! Go with your gut feeling. Be honest with your SO and tell him you just don't feel comfortable with him being with HER! Help in the search for someone that you both feel comfortable him playing with alone. The key here is that YOU BOTH are in agreement with whom he plays with alone.....otherwise you may be opening yourself us to trouble later. Just my opinion. Best of luck to you both!
T~