feeling abandoned, need advice

[artifacts22]

I'm new here. My wife and I (together for 3+ years, we're both in our mid 20's) aren't swingers persay, but we realize that complete monogamy can be taxing so we have an agreement which allows her to occasionally explore her sexuality with other men. I don't exercise the same freedoms since she's uncomfortable with the idea. I've never really minded the imbalance, since it added quite a bit of excitement to our sex life, as long as she assured me that our relationship came first and that it wouldn't become a frequent occurence. Everything was working out well until a couple months ago when occasional exploration turned into something seemingly more with one particular guy. Gradually he's become an everyday fixture in my wife's life. She spends time and talks with him on the phone as much as she can manage. I'm not one for snooping, but I pay the phone bill and it's difficult to overlook nearly daily 30-60 minute phone calls, and even harder to overlook an empty house. I've confronted her on the matter and let her know that I'm uncomfortable with her investing so much time into another man. Her only response is to get defensive and try to convince me that I have nothing to worry about.
I love my wife as much as ever, but nearing the end of my rope. I'm hurt and feeling emotionally abandoned. I'm not sure if I should believe her and confront my own insecurities or if I should really put my foot down and demand that she be more considerate of my comfort level.
None of our friends are aware of our arrangement and I have nowhere to turn for advice. I'm hoping that some the love experts here can offer an outside perspective and help me sort this out.
Obviously this is a condensed version of our story, and I apologize for leaving any vital details out. If there is anything else I should add to shed more light on the situation, let me know.

[Alura]

Artifacts22 wrote:

I'm not sure if I should believe her and confront my own insecurities or if I should really put my foot down and demand that she be more considerate of my comfort level.

I think you should do both. Definitely you need to communicate your misgivings to your wife. Since you deferred to her comfort level by not bringing other women into the marriage, she should be willing to work with you and your challenges.

I'd suggest you bring her here and let her read your post. It will be a good place for y'all to start.

BTW, from Oklahoma. We're glad you've joined us, hope your wife will too, and the good folks on this board will try to help!

Mr. Alura

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by artifacts22

I've confronted her on the matter and let her know that I'm uncomfortable with her investing so much time into another man. Her only response is to get defensive and try to convince me that I have nothing to worry about.

Looks just by the statement you have plenty to be concerned about.

She is getting to have her cake and eat it too.... Taking time away from you, spending her time on the phone and out playing when she should be with you and then she gets defensive? Ohhhhhhhh no. You got a problem.

Honestly, her playing at this point needs to stop. Her time with the other guy on the phone and anywhere else needs to come to a halt.

She needs to get her priorities straight and that is her relationship with you.

The relationship ALWAYS comes first in swinging and in "normal" life. She seems to have forgot who has been there for her and gone along with her going out to have fun other places. She needs to remember you are her husband and that you come before any sex on the side.

There is nothing to beat around the bush about here. You two need to sit down and lay it out. Games over until your relationship is back to where both of you are happy with it. BOTH OF YOU!. If, and only if that day ever comes and she wants to explore then you two need to have a real set of ground rules and as soon as the line is stepped over all games are off.

[good times]

Yep, sounds like it is time to put your foot down and have a serious meeting of the minds to me.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by artifacts22

I'm new here. My wife and I (together for 3+ years, we're both in our mid 20's) aren't swingers persay, but we realize that complete monogamy can be taxing so we have an agreement which allows her to occasionally explore her sexuality with other men. I don't exercise the same freedoms since she's uncomfortable with the idea. I've never really minded the imbalance, since it added quite a bit of excitement to our sex life, as long as she assured me that our relationship came first and that it wouldn't become a frequent occurence. Everything was working out well until a couple months ago when occasional exploration turned into something seemingly more with one particular guy. Gradually he's become an everyday fixture in my wife's life. She spends time and talks with him on the phone as much as she can manage. I'm not one for snooping, but I pay the phone bill and it's difficult to overlook nearly daily 30-60 minute phone calls, and even harder to overlook an empty house. I've confronted her on the matter and let her know that I'm uncomfortable with her investing so much time into another man. Her only response is to get defensive and try to convince me that I have nothing to worry about.
I love my wife as much as ever, but nearing the end of my rope. I'm hurt and feeling emotionally abandoned. I'm not sure if I should believe her and confront my own insecurities or if I should really put my foot down and demand that she be more considerate of my comfort level.
None of our friends are aware of our arrangement and I have nowhere to turn for advice. I'm hoping that some the love experts here can offer an outside perspective and help me sort this out.
Obviously this is a condensed version of our story, and I apologize for leaving any vital details out. If there is anything else I should add to shed more light on the situation, let me know.

I'd like to introduce myself. I'm sort of the board asshole who doesn't' worry to much about feelings when stating his opinion. Normally I don't introduce myself this way, you just kinda catch on with time, but in this case I want you to know I think being harsh is what you need.

You sir are a wimp. Your wife says monogamy is taxing (in your early mid 20's?) and you let her have sex, on her own, with other men, yet shes not comfortable with you having sex with women? And you were happy with that? Thats sort of a definition of wimp. Being a wimp has nothing to do with physical stature but letting people walk all over you and you have been stomped.

I'm not sure if I should believe her and confront my own insecurities or if I should really put my foot down and demand that she be more considerate of my comfort level.

:rollseyes

You shouldn't 'put your foot down' you should TELL her shes done, and not worry thats its your own insecurities. TELL her this isn't working for you, that you feel your marriage is suffering and that she needs to end it. If she doesn't. She might resist, shes not used to you having a backbone, but you need to state it plainly. This isn't negotiable.

Oh and this guy isn't having 60 minute phone calls with her because he likes her witty conversation. He's falling for her and will try to take her from you, and at this rate shes going to go.

Women don't get all sexually gaga over wimps, they like men to be powerful and strong, even if they wouldn't articulate that. Her biology is telling her to find someone better and love is chemical. You may have already lost this one, maybe not, but you WILL lose her unless you decide to, and I hate to use the cliche, be a man.

[lovinher]

Well, I didn't want to be the ass and state what to me is obvious.
Thanks Chicup!

Sometimes people need a slap up side the head and you (the OP) just got one.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you. Stick around and let us know it goes.

[DBL D]

Chicup...I thought I was the board asshole. I so much wanted that.

Can I be the #2 asshole? (How's that for aliteration?)

Really OP. You guys are showing me that you are a bit young to be dabbling with such explosive things. She should stop and re-evaluate things. You should be just a bit stronger her with this than you have.

Y'all need to have a Pow-wow.

Male D

[Cpl2share]

There is a term for this situation: Cuckhold. Unless you enjoy this situation (to each his own) stop it now. This is not about swinging, it is about a woman using you. If you are not comfortable, stop it. We would never continue to knowingly do something that the other did not want or like. That is what marriage is about (for us.) Mutual respect and love. Ignoring the wants and needs of each other does not fit into that scenario. Like Chicup said, get a set of balls and stop this now or walk away like she will do very shortly.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here--Never be a doormat for a woman and I say this as one. I could just imagine what Ed would say if I just wanted to fuck other men and he couldn't enjoy other women. Oh yes I can, he'd say 'Leave'.

[intuition897]

It just struck me why the idea of one-sided swinging relationships don't work over the long haul (that I've heard of). The trouble is that your wife, being given everything she wants without being expected to reciprocate with similar generosity, has become spoiled and lost perspective. She's coasting along quite comfortably and is taking for granted that you will allow her anything her little heart deisres.

Although this treads dangerously close to a threat, let her know that you don't feel that it's fair anymore that she's allowed to disregard your comfort level and you have to behave like a good boy and make her feel all warm and fuzzy like she's the bestest woman in the whole wide world, and you couldn't possibly be attracted to anyone else. Gimme a break. Her feelings of self-worth are NOT your responsibility. You have agreed to give her some breathing room, but I, personally, would never agree to such a thing unless it was clearly understood that this was only a temporary arrangement, to allow her to become comfortable with the idea of equal play rules at her own pace. She's not even trying though, is she?

I don't know the first thing about guy #2 OR your wife, so that makes it difficult to weigh the situation. But hour long phone calls smell funny to me. I'm inclined to agree with Chicup on that point: Guy #2 is having a tough time understanding the dynamics of non-monogamous relationships. For example, it's not okay to allow one's emotions to adversely affect another couple's relationship. It's not okay to monopolize another man's wife's time. Confronting him about this is probably pointless because he, himself, probably doesn't realize what he's doing. He's doing the same thing cheaters do, which is to be badder and badder by microscopic degrees so that they can grow accustomed to their ickiness without feeling the customary revulsion all at once. They swallow it in tiny bites until they're bloated with it and they no longer care. They tell themselves that they're 3/4 of the way to hell already. What's the point of turning around now? Might as well enjoy the ride, right?

If I had to guess, I'd say Guy #2 doesn't really think that what he's doing is ethical or moral. Having sex with another man's wife, that is. I'm assuming that she has sex with them one-on-one, right? The guy would likely be limp as a wet noodle if he was asked to have sex with her while you were present. Which, to me, would indicate that he was very uncomfortable with the whole idea of such openness and honesty. Hard to believe, but true. Some people think that cheating is better than swinging. Well...they're entitled to their opinions, I guess. But I'm also entitled to mine, and I think those people are shitheads.

This doesn't have anything to do with "being a man". This is about being a self-respecting individual who asserts himself firmly. 'Cause if you're not going to stand up for your right to have your feelings respected, she's obviously not going to do it for you. Tell her the game has changed. Either she quits playing until you can reach an agreeable compromise about play rules, or you start playing by your own rules. And if she doesn't like it, she can piss up a rope. You have the right to expect her to respect your feelings. Act like it.

Good luck!

[JTcamp05]

What would she say to you acting in the same manner?

[Merric]

artifacts22
As Cpl2share said Cuckold is the word here so I have to stand by them, Chicup and as usual intuition897 on this one. Plain and simple because you’re letting her, the woman’s using you for a doormat and by all indications has her sites set on this other guy. At least that’s what the information you’ve given us is saying to me anyway. So unless you pull up your boot straps, get with it and change things you've no one to blame but yourself for what looks to be forthcoming.

[Vicktoria1958]

You guys are definitely not swingers. Swingers, the good kind, tend to respect each other, pay close attention to each other's feelings, and communicate closely how they are feeling. They listen unselfishly to what their spouse is feeling and they do what they can to enhance the pleasures and reduce the discomforts. Your wife is abusing you and your marriage. You sort of need to decide what you are willing to live with and tell her how it's going to be. If you can live with her spending her time and her sexual attentions on another man, especially one with whom she clearly has an emotional relationship, then you're a better man than my hubby.

[Ave Satanas]

If you made the agreement on a purely sexual basis, then you should have been worried a while back. Calling your wife, talking to her for hours on end... the only response that comes to mind is "uh, fuck that".

Now, if you were making the agreement on a more polyamoral level, then the response that comes to mind is still "uh, fuck that". Marriage isn't a one-sided game, she's got to give just as much as you do.

I'm going to put it out there, just like everyone else: essentially, the girl is cheating on you. I know, it hurts like hell, but suck it up and take some goddamn initiative. This is bullshit, and you need to tell her so. Exploring your sexuality is a LOT different than exploring other relationships. Get your lady back, or at least your dignity. And maybe hit that guy. What an ass.

[Jay and Shells]

Hello. I definately personally think that this gent is more than just a play partner. I talk with male friends on the phone as well, but more on a laughing, b/s level...and not for an hour every day. If you are feeling like this than it is a valid concern, and should be addressed. Giving you the "oh you are over reacting" answer doesn't cut it in my book personally.
Shelly