Giving wife & her lover time alone together

[NMCpl505]

Wife and I are currently envolved in what is beginning to look like a long term threesome with a great single gent we met about six months ago. We're currently enjoying a mm-f relationship and have gotten together, as a 3some three times so far but the wife and our new lover have not been alone with each other yet. We've read that it is good for the wife and new partner to have some private time with each other so as to get a bit more comfortable in the relationship in learning each others likes and desires in sex.
We've discuss letting this happen on our next get together with him. I will be in the house but they will be in a bedroom without me. My question is does any one have any opinions on this, pro or con? How long should I let them be alone together?
Any help in this matter would be appreciated.

[jennandjamesinm]

Just because you have "read" about it somewhere means that having your wife and this other man have time alone is what is going to work for you. Are you 100% comfortable with this? I think probably not since you are here asking. If it isn't - talk to your wife and tell her that you aren't comfortable. If she is into this 3some for both of you, she shouldn't have any problem with that. If you are comfortable with your wife and this man spending time along, then the length of time etc is up to you based on your comfort level. For us personally, we only swing together, no time alone with someone else. Swinging is for both of us Just my 2 cents....

Jenn

[Pinmonkey]

I think it's a personal decision. It depends on what you, he and she (IMO mostly you and her) are comfortable with. I think it should be what your marriage can stand first. There is no "rule book" for swinging. Do what y'all feel is right.

[NMCpl505]

Thanks for the input guys. The wife and I have discussed it quite a bit and are both comfortable with her spending a little time alone with him on a one time basis, no dating, etc,. The three times we've all been together have been just great but he still seems a little timid and unsure of his role in all of this. We ckind of thought that he might loosen up a bit and talk a little more about his desires etc if I was'nt in the room, as well as her assurring him that he's an equal partner in this arrangement and that we want him to realize his fantasies as well as us ours.
Again thanks for the input...I'll share your thoughts with the wife and maybe rethink it just one more time.

[EvilMJ]

I have no problem spending some time with someone we are having a threesome with, as you have said, 'no dates'. It is a comfort level thing. If you are comfortable wtih the guy, and you are comfortable with her being alone with him and you think it will help, then go for it.


HOwever, if you any reason it doesn't feel right, then don't do it.

[JustAskJulie]

I'm interested in knowing where you've read that this is a GOOD idea? I'm not saying it isn't, but I would be hardpressed to follow in the heels of someone saying that it definately is. This really is something that each couple has to decide on their own and no one should allow an outside force/author to determine it for them.

As Jenn andJames said, just because you read it doesn't make it true. There's lots of "rumors" out here on the internet. You have to sort through things and determine for yourself what is and is not right for you.

I'm glad you guys have talked about it, please continue to do so. Honestly, unless you are trying to foster some sort of poly relationship, I just can't see the advantages of her talking to him alone and feeling him out (both physically and mentally) without you there. In order for it to be a working threesome, he needs to be comfortable with you, and with you not being there it doesn't foster that. I would suggest that as much as it may be good to let her spend time alone with him, that you and he need to have some alone time as well - not sexually - but just one on one to talk and open up regarding what you want and expect fromt he situation. Part of his feeling uncomfortable may well come from not knowing you and being unsure of what YOU are comfortable with in regards to him being there.

[Chicup]

Dito

What Julie said. It took me a LONG time getting comfortable as the extra male in a threesome situation, but alone time would not have really helped. It would have made me more relaxed for that moment, but it doesn't change the threesome dynamic. In fact the only thing that really made me comfortable with the threesomes was when my wife started to have them. Before she did, I always felt like that extra wheel, I was worried about what her husband would think, I was afraid I was overstepping bounds, and unlike a 4some I didn't bring anything to the table besides myself, it was like I was stealing in another couples private moment. On more than one occasion I thought, 'that was fun, but never again.'

Then at some point he came over for a threesome with my wife and most of my feelings of insecurity with them went away. I saw that it was a lot of fun, and I really liked her having a good time. Since then we have done this little husband exchange many times and its been great.

My point in this story is that he needs to learn to get comfortable with YOU as well as her. If this is a single guy I would be leery of giving him alone time with your wife. Remember, single guys are often not so much swingers but just single guys, sometimes single guys don't want to stay single.

[txduo2000]

I agree with both Julie and Chicup.

Bottom line, it is YOUR (and your wife's) comfort level that has to be the most important thing.

But, many of us here, myself and my husband included, are in this lifestyle for the SHARED enjoyment. Taking 1/2 the couple out of the equation in order to encourage more intimacy between the other 1/2 the couple and a third person does not sharing make. IMHO, it could be a recipe for disaster, if poly is not what you are seeking.

[Chicup]

I should add that I was alone with the woman before many times before we did a threesome as they were our 'main' playpartners when we were first starting out. We had even done some seperate room stuff on occasion. Getting used to her was easy, getting used to being the third in what naturally is designed for two, is what took the getting used to.

[graygo98]

The two phrases that caught my eye were when you talked about making him more comfortable in "the relationship" and making him feel like an "equal".

While you have to respect him as an individual not a meat puppet, IMHO he is not in a "relationship" with you and/or your wife. You and your wife have a relationship. He joins you for play because that is something that gives the two of you, and hopefully him, great pleasure.

Similarly, he is not an equal. No one else in the world is when it comes to my wife and I... she is first and other than my kids second isn't even close.

She can spend some alone time with him if that works for the two of you. Not something we would do, but that's just us.

[WesternSwing]

It all has to do with what you are comfortable with. I have sent my wife on "missions" that I've set up with both a single guy (we've had several MFM's with him and know him on a social basis also) and the husband of a couple we swing with (the wife and I planned their surprise together). Mrs. WS really liked the one-on-one time with the single guy at his house with no other distractions (worrying about me, etc.). Plus, it is a little gift I give both of them. She also wants to give me the same experience with another woman.

The key here is that I am in control of when and where. I set up her meeting with the other guy. She asks me playfully when her next "mission" is and it adds excitement to the experience. Now, does she play regularly solo with other guys? No. I'm not comfortable with that, and for both of us it takes the the naughty adventure aspect out of it. That's our comfort level.

So don't believe what the books say. Swinging is what you make of it, and that depends on what you are comfortable with. If you are comfortable with her being with another guy in the next room, across town, in the next state, or whatever, it is whatever turns you and her on.

The next thing you have to ask is: does she want to play solo? Some don't. Some like the couple aspect of it. In fact, although Mrs. WS likes the "missions", the best sex with our single friend is when we are all together because it is the most erotic.

If you do it, just make sure you have a very open line of communication between you (meaning all three of you), because I can guarantee there will be a bit of jealousy creeping in when you least expect it. Good communication will nip it in the bud.

Mr. WS

[Ssugarlips]

I agree with the various posters who say that alone time with a lover is an individual decision by the couple.

That being said, I love time alone with my lovers, male and female. My husband enjoys the same thing with his female lovers. I self-identify more with polyamory than swinging; my husband leans more toward a swinging mentality. We jokingly say we have a foot in each camp. Sometimes we are alone in the house; sometimes the other spouse is in the same house - different room. Each of us is always aware when the other is meeting a lover for one-on-one activity. Of course, we also play together in group situations.

[Just_us49]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Honestly, unless you are trying to foster some sort of poly relationship, I just can't see the advantages of her talking to him alone and feeling him out (both physically and mentally) without you there. In order for it to be a working threesome, he needs to be comfortable with you, and with you not being there it doesn't foster that.

That is a very good point Julie.

-D

[Spoomonkey]

I think what you'll find on this point is really opinions - not much applicable advice. The reason I say that is that I completely agree with JennAndJames - that just because you read it doesn't make it true. I agree with Julie - that a threesome is something that all three need to be comfortable with, no need for "alone" time. And my feelings on it are right in line with greygo - our playmates are not equal in our relationship - anymore than any of our other friends are.

That said, I also think EvilMJ said it well - if it is your thing and within your comfort level, go for it.

I don't think alone time will make the threesome any better or worse, really. But there is really nothing wrong with doing it. That, really, is the nature of swinging as we see it - we do what we want and what we are comfortable with. We don't let anyone else, be it other swingers or articles we might read, define the lifestyle for us.

And for us - playing alone is not an option.

But that doesn't make it wrong.

If you two (three) feel it will enhance the experience - and you are comfortable with the potential risks of what you are doing - then I think what you describe is a fine idea.

Spoomonkey

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Honestly, unless you are trying to foster some sort of poly relationship, I just can't see the advantages of her talking to him alone and feeling him out (both physically and mentally) without you there. In order for it to be a working threesome, he needs to be comfortable with you, and with you not being there it doesn't foster that. I would suggest that as much as it may be good to let her spend time alone with him, that you and he need to have some alone time as well - not sexually - but just one on one to talk and open up regarding what you want and expect from the situation. Part of his feeling uncomfortable may well come from not knowing you and being unsure of what YOU are comfortable with in regards to him being there.

Dito

I have to agree with Julie. Your talking about making him feel like an equal partner sounds more like a poly relationship to me. Don't get me wrong we love singles and strive to foster a friendship that we can all get together on a regular basis for play and just regular activities. Someone we can call a friend but an "equal partner" I don't want alone time with our playmates (couples or singles) we got in the lifestyle to experience it together.

I also agree that his discomfort probably comes more from not being sure what he can and can't do or what role he is to play in the threesome. I would think a man to man or even the three of you talking would be the way to go. Let him know that you enjoy his company and that you want to continue the relationship in the hope that all three of you will enjoy yourselves and fulfill fantasies.

That said the most important thing isn't what you've heard, read or even get from us on the board. It's what you and your wife feel comfortable with for your situation. All we can give is our opinions and how "we" do it in our relationships.

Good luck

Mrs Spoomonkey