your thoughts on 'one for the team' or; seperate swing

[Candy&Cane]

Hello!!

Hmmm I've read a lot of topics with post were people say you shouldn't do/play with 'one for the team' (not sure if this means threesome or letting your spouse play alone -think the first.. as in 'team' )..

For people who dont remember (its been a while), or didnt read it...
We met this couple some time a go.. first it seemed to click in every way.. but now, the husband isn't appealing to me.
As I wrote in the last topic; I was prepared to let him have the adventure with her alone (as I trust her.. I love him and ofcourse trust him.. before swinging came up, actually, we were talking about 'open relationships'.. swinging would be our first 'play' before.. eventually 'ending' with an open relationship -I dont mean bigamy; we're number one for eachother.. and feel monogamous on an emotional level... and rules are surrounded by this.. tricky, I know, but I've believed in it since my first experiences before I met my love of my life )

Now, its evidently going the way it looked; We're going to speak with them.. and I am backing out... As they have an open relationship.. I guess she wouldn't 'mind' playing with Cane alone (or with me, but it seems better if they start of alone)

But yesterday Cane said it 'out loud'. Course, I was the one who started the idea... but somewhere, I didnt imagine how it would really be.. But now he said; babe, I dont want you to think I want to rush to an hotel with her.. I'd really prefer to be with her alone first in these circumstances... but dont feel pressure... we'll take all the time we need' -or something in that context... (he started this conversation too)

It gave me a shiver.. but then I thought; hey it was your idea in the first place.. It's all okey.. (I mean, seriously; I dont feel any real threat here).. And I really am okey with it now, but after all, this is a new thing.. somewere it feels.. scary I think (dont know how i'll feel at that time; I know I'll want my own date with my 'girlfriend' at the same time )

In the meantime.. I read some of the posts here.. telling others to definetly NOT play seperate (as in; outside house, or club)...

So I wandered.. why is this such an important rule for you, what are the bigger threats (if your swinging).. and on the other hand; why WOULD you let your partner play without being together?

-Not to ask for definit conclusions here.. just interested... maybe it would change my mind I dont know...

[dutch51]

We're one of the couples who do not play alone for the simple reason that for us, swinging is a together activity and having separate play dates goes against what we are looking for. Plus, we like to know what's going on with each other and the only way we can determine our comfort level and that of our spouse is to actually be there; otherwise too much is left to wonder about. It's not a trust issue; it's a comfort issue.

As far as "taking one for the team," we do not want do that. We like to find couples together and the interest has to be mutual for everyone, otherwise we do not want to play. If this is supposed to be about friendship and fun, then involving someone you just don't care for makes that difficult to do. If it's a matter of less attraction, we like to give things a chance because for me (wifey) that can change. The guy doesn't have to be gorgeous, but charm and genuine interest can go a long way to making me want to be involved in the experience. Now if neither play partner (for lack of a better term, lol) is interested, there's just no point.

We can't say whether you should play separately or not.That has to be decided by you two. But remember that even when discussing something beforehand and being okay with the idea doesn't mean that when the situation is actually happening that you won't feel a twinge of "something" whether it's nervousness or fear or what. Then you have to be able to talk about what you're feeling, try to figure out why and decide what to do next, with the understanding that you really can change your mind.

Back when we were still in the discussion stage of swinging, we found a couple we really liked and discussed with each other (not with them) whether we'd feel okay with separate evenings out later on if we were all comfortable with the idea. Then, we thought the idea was a good one, but since actually beginning swinging, we realize that would not be a good thing for us. We don't consider it, and we don't even desire it because we know it would not give us what we are looking for. When meeting new couples, we make it known we do not play separately and if they pushed to do so, we would not bother to pursue the friendship.

Don't know if that helped you much, but we hope it did. It's nice to get others' perspectives sometimes and hear their experiences...

[luv2bwithu]

Well my thoughts on playing together or separate are this . . I think it is something you have to be okay with from the beginning. My husband and I swing with a couple that we have became very comfortable and close with and we see them separatly as well as together. I have met up with the guy on several occassions by myself and my husband is allowed to meet up with her whenever he can. We did closed swapping from the beginning which is separte rooms and we both loved it cause we loved the idea of knowing that something was going on and enjoy hearing it from one another. We are both ok with this type of swinging and you have to make sure both parties are ok as well. Hope this helps.

[Alura]

We've tried playing separately and found it to be pretty boring compared to the fun we've had playing with another couple. Separate rooms work okay but we'd rather be together in the same room with the other couple. A fair compromise is to start in separate rooms and get all four together later.

"Taking one for the team" to us means one of us not being especially attracted to the opposite spouse but going ahead and playing anyway to avoid disappointment. Both of us have done it and feel it worked out for the best. How bad can sex be? The lack of attraction never approached "dislike," however. That would be (and has been) a different story.

Alura

[SexhoundDog]

Originally Posted by Candy&Cane

and on the other hand; why WOULD you let your partner play without being together?

Candy,

I think it's probably just a matter of trust in your own partner, and it's probably a different experience to try, so I'm guessing that's why people do it. In your case, you might ask Cane why, perhaps the other woman is more comfortable alone. I'm getting the feeling from your post that even if they are "alone", you wouldn't mind having it happen at your place, even if you weren't in the room.

I guess I look at it this way. Why WOULD you want to play without being together? I think most folks on the board prefer it together, and I'm guessing even those that play apart don't do it nearly as often as they play together.

I can sit here and think of two almost identical situations, but with a slightly different twist, to point out the difference. Let's say my wife is slightly smitten with lust for a fine looking fellow who's visiting us and whom I like as well, and she can't wait to get her lips around what appears to be a big growing bulge in his pants.
Scenario 1 - She takes him into a bedroom. I can hear him moaning in delight, and I know how good her blowjobs are so I'm not surprised, and she's making those "mmm" sounds so you know she's enjoying going down on him.
Scenario 2 - She pulls herself into him, they do a few passionate kisses, and then she reaches down and begins undoing his pants. Sets him down on the sofa and the same thing happens as in Scenario 1.

Now I don't know about most guys, but I think I'll take scenario 2. And even tho guys are generally more visual than women, alot of the women prefer to be watching their man please a woman too. Audio is OK, and if the wife said she'd feel weird doing it right in front of me, I'd at least hope I could be in earshot or I'd feel cheated out of the experience. Hearing about all the juicy details on separate playdates just wouldn't do it for me.

[WesternSwing]

Good question. First, to us "taking one for the team" means, for instance, I am really attracted to the female of another couple but my wife is not at all attracted to the male of the other couple, but she goes ahead and has sex with him so that I can have sex with the other female. Swinging is not that important to us to "take one for the team".

As far as playing solo... We don't for a couple of reasons. First, for us, swinging is a couples activity. Part of the fun is watching eachother in action.

Second, although it works for some people, we feel that it is too easy to develop feelings for the playmate when "dating" alone. We know two couples very well in which the wife swings solo but the husband doesn't (she gets jealous, but it's a turn-on for him when she does), and in both couples the wives have developed an emotional attachment (read: affection beyond friendship) for a playmate.

So for us, we only play together.

Mr. WS

[Candy&Cane]

Thank you so much everybody !

The more I read, and, reading my own post, it is clear to me that something's bugging me, but, strangely enough, I dont know what it is

Somewere.. It feels as though we could comebine the two different lifestiles into one. And thats the hard thing.. I cant quite grasp it, because being seperate (as in a hotel) is so different to playing togheter.. (duh)
I understand and feel what you guys write about this, on the other hand, things about the 'other' sort of lifestyle (Seperate dating), the 'filosophies' about that attract us too..

Maybe its just going to fast..

Unfortunatly I have to go now, but I'm not finished.. (want to reply on some of your posts)

Byebye for now and many thanks!

[EvilMJ]

I can only speak for us as a couple but we are definately swing together or not at all.

We tried separate rooms but it just made us feel too weird. Part of the draw for us is seeing the other person enjoying themselves and sharing the whole sexual experience. To me swinging solo is too much like dating and if I can't be a part of it then I feel let down. I would not know what was going on while he was away and my poor brain would be working a mile a minute forming a dozen different scenarios. I am not a jelous person...but I am paranoid....and there is nothing that I can do to change that.

I also feel there is no reason to take one for the team, swinging is about enjoyment for both of us and if one person is not having a good time, then hell what is the point!

Don't worry, take your time and do what feels right, evenutally you are going to find what works for you. Stick to your guns and don't be afraid to articlulate your feelings . It is better to get it all out now, rather than later when you find your self backed into a corner becuase you were willing to comprimise.

[TNT]

Up until this past weekend we were an “only play together” couple. Actually, we still are we’ve just decided to add a new twist to it.

This past weekend we had an old friend come spend the weekend with us, after having a wonderful time on New Years Eve and a wonderful MFM play session that night at a hotel and spending the night there we made our way back home on Saturday. Later that day Ted left with our daughter to go pick up our son from a friend’s house, which left myself and our friend in the house alone. Since things had gone so wonderful the night before and Ted had made it known to both of us that he had no problems with the two of us playing without him being present, we did.

This was the first time we had ever done anything like this. Ted and I had discussed it numerous times in the past but had never really pursued it as we have so much fun playing together there really never was a need/want to try separate play. However, it was a fantasy of Ted’s and since all the factors had fallen into place (right man, right situation) I decided to grab the moment and see where it led us.

Now to be honest, I was scared stiff...even though I knew I had permission I wasn’t sure how Ted was going to react, or how I was going to feel once it was over and done with. The whole situation was one we had fantasized about numerous times and was playing out just like WE wanted it to, the excitement of it was overwhelming. I couldn’t wait for Ted to get home so I could tell him...”You’ll never believe what happened, one of our fantasies came true”. Once Ted made it home and I told him, his excitement level hit the roof ( and hasn’t come down yet ).

The thing that made this go good for us was that it was a fantasy we shared. It wasn’t about me wanting to be with our friend by myself, hell I had already had him in front of Ted so there wasn’t anything new to discover by being with him alone. It was the fact that this was something Ted and I had talked about so much and it was actually happening that made it so exciting. For us it may have been separate play technically but it was definitely playing together.

One of the things we discovered was that given the same situation, or one close to it, we would definitely do it again. Neither one of us wants to really play without the other in that I would go out with someone or he would go out with someone and play by ourselves. We feel that this would be to much like dating someone else and the possibility of emotions getting involved is just to great. However, playing separately together is something we found we enjoy.

You asked why Would you let your partner play without you being there? For us it was a fantasy we had shared many times with each other and this was just making it come true.

TNT

[janaandjames]

We have both taken one for the team. Not very often, but we have and it worked out ok. In our case, i wasnt really attracted to the male, but my hubby wanted the female of the other couple.
Once we got going i had a very nice time

we really have not played alone.. i wouldnt say we never would, but its not something either of us wants at this point in time