Another question about kids and swinging

[tmyis]

I enjoyed ricndi's last question in the Help forum concerning what you would do if your kids found out. I was a little curious about the answers. By and large, most felt their sex life was private and preferred not to share the fact that they enjoyed swinging. Most said that something along the lines that sex is private and that privacy should be respected. I can't help but notice a paradox. Part of the excitement of swinging is the fact that it isn't private. If swinging is something that you enjoy, why wouldn't you be more open about it with your kids particularly adult children (I understand age appropriateness)? Wouldn't you want to expose your children to those things that bring you great joy that you feel good about?

[bill&sabrina]

We plan to tell our children about swinging, and the joys that it can bring. Yes telling them that it can be a nice experience will mean that we will have to admit that we swing ourselves, but I personally couldn't think of myself as a good parent if we don't tell them. Our oldest is 4, and by the time she is old enough to be exploring her sexuality the world will be a different place. I think swinging will be more mainstream than it is today. I have no doubt that if not both at least one of our children will want to explore swinging, and we would rather try to give pointers than keep our mouths shut about our experiences. I think the biggest reason people don't want to talk about sex other than in general terms is the Catholic mindset that "Sex for enjoyment is a sin". If we can get past that people will be more willing to talk with their children about their sex lives. I don't advocate explicit details of every encounter, but we need to offer more than generalizations. If we raise children that know that mom & dad swing our world will sooner rather than later begin to accept us as normal people. Age appropriateness does need to be followed though.
Bill

[troufault]

It seems to me, and I'm no expert, that telling an adult child about one's swinging would be very good indeed. Many benefits.

But.

I think that telling an infant might be different. There are two reasons.

First, that talking to one's tiny child about swinging, saying one swings and describing what that means would be open and meaningful, leading to full teaching about how sex is good and not bad. Excellent. Something to be done.

Second, that the children are likely to tell their friends, as well as innocently announce it in class. I hope, I hope, I hope that society will have evolved in the next year or two, but one cannot be sure.

So as aways it is a matter of choosing between two paths. The choice is usually made either on which path presents the most advantages or which path presents the least disadvantages.

[yawanna]

Part of the excitement of swinging is the fact that it isn't private

Sure it is! For everyone involved. We tend to refer to this as 'discretion'.

[C@YWMI]

Wow great question tmyis, I really haven't thought about this much but you are on to something here. Why should a person be afriad of there sexuality. We arre told by experts everyday be open about our feelings be open about our needs.

And as far as telling our kids it might be a touch more awkaward then talking to them about sex and relationships. But it is better they learn through our mistakes then through there own. We teach our kids that way now don't we, don't touch that pot it is hot it will burn you!!!! And maybe if we talk to kids more about sex they won't have the sexual hang ups that we do. For the most part the real sexual fears that I have for my kids is that I don't want them to became unexpected parents, and of couse std's.But most of all when my kids get to the point of having sex that they are being honest with the other person they are with, and they are comfortable with it, but most of all they are not being used to get sex!!!!!!!!!

Our kids arent dumb luckily my kids are probably acadamically smarter then i was at there age. But that doesn't stop me from trying to share my wisdom with them by sharing my success and faliure's. Wether they are socially or otherwise.

Bottom line is I think I would talk to my kids about this lifestyle if they bring it up. My wife and I don't have any lifestyle expearances to share with them but thanks to this board I think we sure can give them answer's to there questions.

[jcbicouple]

Well, We take the other side of the coin........We're 36 & 42 and frankly have NO desire to know what are parents do for sexual fun! Nor do we believe our children will want to know. Guess we don't understand what the difference is between telling your children how much you enjoy oral sex, anal sex, or a fetish of some nature and talking to them about how much you enjoy having sex with other people. We believe that sex is definitely something you should talk to your children about, just don't agree with telling them details of your own experiences. Just the thought of our parents having sex....... eeeeww!

[bipagancouple]

My mother and stepfather started swinging when I was about 10. My mother had always been very open with me about anything I asked, and swinging was no exception. It was definitely age-appropriate information, and she was careful not to expose me to too much, but I was very well aware of what was likely to go on when "new friends" came to visit.

I'm profoundly grateful to Mom for teaching me that monogamy wasn't the only option, and that sleeping with others wasn't some kind of sin as long as everyone was ok with it. I think I'd have had a lot to overcome if she'd kept it all secret.

I have no kids, so please take this for whatever it's worth, but I believe that part of teaching your children moral values should include whatever you feel is important about sex...teaching that some people (maybe not admitting that it's you) practice nonmonogamy seems like a good way to help them be open-minded about it.

Just MHO,
Seadna

[CherryPunk]

From my point of view, there is a difference between teaching kids about something and telling them about your experience in something. This can be applied across the board.

It's important to teach your children open-mindedness... I agree that it could be a good thing for a child to understand that sex for enjoyment is not necessarily a bad thing. However, I wouldn't go so far as to use my own sexual experiences as an example. I think there is a fine line.

At first, you explain the physical sex act to the child. Then you explain the emotional ramifications when they are older (and, ideally, when they are entering their own relationships at the time where emotions come into play and there may be sexual relations). It can stop there. I personally wouldn't talk to my child about my sexual history unless I had something very pertinent to share. i.e. they were going through a particular epsiodie and I could directly relate due to personal experience.

Much like with drugs and children. I wouldn't tell a child the dangers and pleasures of drugs right off the bat. I'd tell them to be careful and to watch out. Try to avoid people that push drugs on them. If, down the road, they decided to experiment, or were thinking about trying something, or, god forbid, had a problem, then would be a good time to bring any personal experience to bear (whether it be actual or anecdotal).

TMI is not a good thing... IMHO

[4funfriend]

I don't have children either, but I have thought about it, as friends in the lifestyle do have kids.
I think back to when I was younger, and what I wish my parents would have told me about sex. (What they did tell me wasn't much!!!)
I wish that they would have given me the knowledge to make my own choice. Almost like hand me a "sex" dictionary, give me the terms and tell me what they mean. This would have helped me be open minded and find out what makes me happy, it would also teach me to keep an open mind as to what makes other people happy.
I would teach my chiild that love, and sex are two things, not one. That love is a feeling and if he or she finds it, that it is beautiful, weather it is two males, two females, or a mixed couple. That sex is a very good thing, but it is only a physical thing that two or more bodies do together.
I would try to teach my child the differance between physical sex, and mental love, and I would teach them the two totally apart from the other, as they are two differant things.

I think that I've now gone too long without sleep!!! So..........I hope that this makes sence to someone other than just me.

[ricndi032903]

it all really depends on how you (us, the parents) were raised and what all we're comfortable with discusing with our children when their age or situation arrises,

Myself personally, I was raised that marriages were for 2 people, pierod, end of discussion. And that sex was "totally" reserved for that "one special person" and that person alone, .

We're my parents wrong? maybe and then again maybe not, that's what worked for them...

Those guidelines they set were the moral backbone I had to go on when it came to sex and relationships, it's what I strived for.

Was my mom "closed" minded, nope, after my parents divorce, she had many boyfriends over many years, her motto was this, if you want to "sleep around" or "cheat" stay single.

And even till this very day, I would and will encourage my son's to keep to one woman, and if they feel the need for more, then it's time to move on, if they feel their sax lives are lacking, it's time for a little talking, if they want to experiment with other people, do it before you get married. I would never encourage any of my son's to bring this lifestyle into their relationships or marriage, no matter what anyone here thinks of me or my views, that bringing anyone else into your sex life is just asking for trouble. Cause it's funny in a way, the couples that no body wants to hear from that doing the "physical" act has ruined their lives. Or has actully taken the other person's spouse away from them, it's out there, I know this first hand, have already come across this in talking with other swingers and non swingers. There is a danger in this lifestyle that no body truely wants to admit. But I guess it's still up to the couple and if they can truely handle this and really want it for both of them and both are agreeing and not just agreeing for the other spouse (as many are doing and have done) cause if this wasn't the case there wouldn't be so many men in these groups asking how to "talk" their wives into this, or "get" them into this after already asking. When the simple "No" doesn't sink in.

Well guess I've gone off the tract, sure it's good to talk to your kids, sex isn't something to be ashamed of, but it's not something that they should just go about jumping into either, there are the talks about STD's pregnancy... etc...

[hoistsail]

If the relationship between the child and parents is close and the child can be trusted not to tell everyone else, then age appropriate telling is probably the best course.

It used to be that most kids do not want to even know what their parents do sexually. And have a hard time thinking their parents have sex. I'm sure things have changed now to more openness, but not sure how open one should really be. No point in not telling the truth, but who brings up the subject first.

[froggyjenn80]

I have brought this question up several times with my yahoo groups. I personally have a 4yr old and a 2 1/2 yr old. They dont understand swinging, but I dont hide it either. We have friends come over, and we play once they are in bed on several occasions. Once they are older, if we are still in the lifestyle, then I wont hide it from them....they will know mom is bi and we are swingers.

I think that openness and honesty is best with the family. I think that being open about it just allows for us to be ourselves and not spend a ton of time worrying about who, what, where...ect.

Discretion is great, but so is openness. Find what you are comfy with and go for it. If letting kids know, then hypothetically ask them what they think. Talk about others situations, bisexuality, swaping, ect. If they are grossened by it, then wait a bit on telling them. If they are like cool, or dont care either way, then slowly talk about the ls in front of them to get them used to it (without giving details)

Ok well there is my 3 cents, dont know if that helped or not
Jenn

[kycpl4bifem]

Welcome Our 2 cents. We keep our swinging to ourselves just to keep the kids from spilling it to all our friends and neighbors. Kids often say everything they think. We have talked about moving in a girlfriend and would discuss it with the kids because we see no way around it. If they caught us we would talk about it and are sure they would understand once they were old enough.

[BradAndJanet]

Here's a story for those of you who espouse telling your underage children about your swinging to consider carefully.

One would think that in the good old U. S. of A., the 1st Amendment of the Constitution would be enough to protect a parent who simply wanted to talk to their child about their beliefs. But, according to one Common Pleas judge, it does not.

Mind you, Mr. Shepp has broken no laws of the State of Pennsylvania, he only wants to talk with his daughter about the joys of polygamy. However, he has been forbidden by Common Pleas Judge Stephen P. Linebaugh from doing so, because, as Linebaugh says, "if he would follow through with it, would be not only illegal in Pennsylvania, but would also be immoral and illogical. The issue is not having such a belief, but his interest in pursuing that belief, which the testimony indicates he clearly would."

Now, one might say the same thing about swinging. Adultery is certainly illegal in Pennsylvania, and I'll bet more than a few people, judges included, would find it "immoral and illogical" too.

Perhaps you think you won't find yourself in similar circumstances, but how can you be so sure? In this case, it's the child's mother who brought the case, but who is to say that in this wacky court, it couldn't have been brought by any 'concerned citizen'?

Do what you must, folks, but remember that while we're caught up in all this fun, most other people find what we do to be abhorrent. You'll have to decide for yourself if the risk is worth it.

I'll be following this case, and hope the the Pennsylvania Supreme Court will overturn the decision. I think they will, but I'm not necessarily counting on it.

-B

[froggyjenn80]

I must thank BradandJanet for posting that information about that story. It gave me a lot of insight.

My parents are mormon, and I grew up in the church, but I still swing and still plan on telling my children. But this story has added a lot of intellectual insight to what the law thinks.

Thank you
Jenn