children finding out?????

[ricndi032903]

Just a quick thought on Tarnishhalo's post
"Angry about Swinging" and the comment by her about the children finding out, I noticed that only one person caught on and actually addressed that statment, so I figured what the hell, might as well find out ;

What would you do if your children discovered you kinky side???

(by the way, I'm not talking about finding a toy, like what if your son or daughter saw your profile on their friends computer or came home unexpectantly and walked in on mommy getting it from 2 men??? or daddy muff diving on a woman that wasn't Mommy???? )

What would you say??? How would you say it???

How would you explain that even though Mommy and Daddy have sex with other people, that their lives (& the kids lives) are still in a secure place???

And if you were embarrased for your children to find out, a feeling of guilt or shame, isn't that your sub-science really tring to tell you something????

I am so courious to know how some would sit their kids down and have this type of talk with your children.

[fun_pairTX]

Our oldest knows, all the rest live out of state.

[ricndi032903]

you said your oldest knows, how old is your oldest and how did he or she find out and how did you explain your choice in this lifestyle and how does the child except your way of living???

By the way, I'm not casting any judgement, none at all, just very courious at how this delicate subject would be or is handled as loving parents when or if your children find or found out......

[2SHARE]

Originally posted by ricndi032903 ]

What would you do if your children discovered you kinky side???

My son DID discover it, although he was over the age of 18 at the time but sill living at home. I told him we were going to be having a party at our house and asked him to spend the night at a friend’s house. He was curious and came back home in the middle of a 'pile of people' to get his pillow!! We of course were able to put our clothes back on and be in presentable condition prior to him coming in (we had blocked the front door). He was shocked but also knew he was at fault for what he had seen as he was asked and warned to stay away.
The other thing I want to mention is that I have always had an open relationship with my children. They have always been able to ask me 'hard' questions and get straight answers -- even if the subject was not one I wished to broach. They respect my beliefs because I respect theirs. Simple as that.

What would you say??? How would you say it???

I was straight with him telling him that we (my hubby is not his father) were swingers. I did not go into detail about it because quiet frankly it is NONE of his business.

How would you explain that even though Mommy and Daddy have sex with other people, that their lives (& the kids lives) are still in a secure place???

In my opinion, if you are still MOMMY and DADDY to your children then you have NO business having swinging sessions where and when your children can walk in on you. Just plain old stupid if you ask me. :slam"
We have played with other couples when their children are 'in bed' but that is not a given that they won't get out of bed and catch you as one couples we play with kid did. This couple by the way told the 3 year old kid that daddy was just kissing me good nite...then the kid says.........but daddy how comes she hasn't left yet??? Message here is don't do anything that will expose your young kids to something you can't or don't wish to explain.
My question to you would be..... why would the question of security even come up??

And if you were embarrassed for your children to find out, a feeling of guilt or shame, isn't that your sub-science really trying to tell you something????

I was not embarrassed however others in the group were. My son left as quickly as he showed up so it was pretty easy to smooth things over that night. Now it’s just a standing joke with all of us. The first thing couples ask me is ....WHERE'S J?

I am so curious to know how some would sit their kids down and have this type of talk with your children.

I would, and did, have a straight talk with them. I discussed it like any other subject that came up. Give them only as much information as they are asking for. Know when to draw the line and tell them that the question they are asking is of a very personal nature that you do not wish to further discuss it. It will all depend upon their ages. Best advice from me is and ounce of prevention is worth a pound of explanation here!!!

Deb

[yawanna]

oh I think many of us 'caught on'. TH has so many other issues going on that I personally didn't want to get blindsided into more "stuff"... KISS (Keep It Simple Sweetheart).

Any responsible parent with small children takes care for them. For example..you don't have drunken parties but you can GO to parties having hired a sitter. Parenting is about being responsible and raising your children to become adults in our society. I don't see swinging issues as any different from any other 'adult' issue you would have to address as a parent.

For example...how many have had their child walk into their bedroom while they are having sex with their spouse?

How many parents have had their child ask them "what are those two dogs doing to each other?"

You tell children things they need to know in an age appropriate manner.

You don't expose them to things they cannot emotionally or intellectually handle.

We have attended get togethers, like bbq's, with swinger friends, and sometimes at the home of couples with children. Heck, one bbq was 12 kids and 8 adults. I got a headache lol. It's purely social, every adult watches what they say and what they do around the children. We are all friends, too..it's not just sex all the time.

In another vein, we know couples whose children are grown and who know their parents participate in swinging. Some couples have lost entire families for doing so, including one local club owner.

Generally speaking, a decision to tell children about the parents lifestyle choice is pretty much left up to that family to deal with it as they see fit. Many don't share that information with their children, which I entirely agree with. I don't tell my child about my personal sex life, that would be crossing a line, so why would I share my personal 'kinks' or fetishes or swinging activities? Does the child NEED to know? I say no.

If the child finds something nefarious while cruising on your computer, first of all...WHY was the child on your computer?? lol and secondly, they need never be in a position to 'find' you having sex with other people. That's just wrong I think.

If questions are asked, or you suspect THEY suspect, I leave it as a private, personal subject and not one I need to discuss with them. If asked, I would elaborate on how adults make their own decisions and there are some things they can look into later on, when they are older. For now, it's personal and end of discussion.

[OhioCouple]

This happened to us not too long ago past. It prompted a lot of changes in both our e-mail addresses and signatures.

My youngest arrived here early one day (she lives out of state) and caught me off guard with the Swingers Board front and center on the screen. I immediately and tried to discreetly shut it down by hitting the power button with my foot. However, she is no fool and she went home and looked it up herself later that evening and addressed me on it the following day. She wanted to know why I would frequent a site like this. I was freaked. I've never lied to my children in all of their years and I was really stumped as to what to do. I ended up asking her to respect our privacy (as I have always respected hers) and that there are some things that aren't meant to be shared with your children. I told her that if I wanted to share it with her, I would, and to please respect my right to not discuss it further, as I respected hers growing up. For all I know, she reads this board daily, but I think she is respecting the fact that we have asked her not to. She has never brought it back up again and that has been many months ago.

I believe it depends on the relationship you have with your children as to how it should be handled. What worked for me, may not work for others. Also, I believe it depends on age too. While my daughter is an adult with little monsters in training of her own, I am not comfortable sharing this aspect of our lives.

I would however be horrified if my other children were to find out and I don't know what I would do then. They lean more towards being less accepting than my youngest and most spiciest is.

I hope to never have to find out.

[ricndi032903]

I do agree with you on that the kids don't need to know, but it does come down to what is still right and wrong in the children finding out, example, you lived a straight life all your life and your 20 year old daughter comes to you and says her husband wants other in their sex life, do you say go with what your hubby wants, do what you feel comfy with darling, kwim???

As parents we all have a # 1 priorty to our kids first and foremost and I do have to say that walking in and finding Mom & Dad in a "loving moment" ok fucking like animals, is alot more comforting and assuring that everything is ok in "their" lives(the kids) rather then finding Mom & Dad fucking the couple down the street, I guess what I'm trying to say is, when a child walks in on the "Parents" it's yes, very much embarrassing to both child and parent, but there is still the ora of it being their parents, and not someone that the child views as a home wrecker. exp; walking in on a parent that's cheating.

See I had a neice that came to me cause she thought her mother (my brothers wife) was fucking the guy up the road, and I saw the out right devastation in her eyes, and to me, the kids finding out that both parents are not in a souly commited sexual relatiosnhip with each other and that would be very harmful to the child's existance in thier personal knowledge as to having a secure home life and enviorement.

In saying what I have, all I'm trying to point out that in what we do in OUR lives, has a huge affect on our children should they ever discover the hidden truths about their parents and "friends". And exactly what example are we as "adults" really showing our children.

Just a little food for thought.
Diane

[ricndi032903]

oh by the way, for just a little giggle in lighting the mood,
my oldest son is 21 and my yuoungest is 12 and I'm still MOMMY, my husband's oldest is 22 and his youngest is 16 and he's still DADDY. and to make you laugh, my husband is 46 and still calls his mom MOMMY....... And until the day both of my parents died, they were still my MOMMY & DADDY.

So just goes to show that no matter how old we get, when it comes to your parents, they will always be MOMMY & DADDY. And there is that little piece in all of us that regard them as royality, teachers, the people we look to to guide our footsteps and protect us from evil, we never totally grow up. ... LMAO....

[yawanna]

" I do agree with you on that the kids don't need to know, but it does come down to what is still right and wrong in the children finding out, example, you lived a straight life all your life and your 20 year old daughter comes to you and says her husband wants other in their sex life, do you say go with what your hubby wants, do what you feel comfy with darling, kwim???

As parents we all have a # 1 priorty to our kids first and foremost and I do have to say that walking in and finding Mom & Dad in a "loving moment" ok fucking like animals, is alot more comforting and assuring that everything is ok in "their" lives(the kids) rather then finding Mom & Dad fucking the couple down the street, I guess what I'm trying to say is, when a child walks in on the "Parents" it's yes, very much embarrassing to both child and parent, but there is still the ora of it being their parents, and not someone that the child views as a home wrecker. exp; walking in on a parent that's cheating.

See I had a neice that came to me cause she thought her mother (my brothers wife) was fucking the guy up the road, and I saw the out right devastation in her eyes, and to me, the kids finding out that both parents are not in a souly commited sexual relatiosnhip with each other and that would be very harmful to the child's existance in thier personal knowledge as to having a secure home life and enviorement.

In saying what I have, all I'm trying to point out that in what we do in OUR lives, has a huge affect on our children should they ever discover the hidden truths about their parents and "friends". And exactly what example are we as "adults" really showing our children.

Just a little food for thought.
Diane"

I totally disagree...with respect Kids don't understand intimate relationships, whether it be mom and dad or mommy and daddy with 3 other couples in compromising situations....

My son walked in on my then husband and I having sex asked 'daddy..why are you hurting mommy??'

And how we answered could be applied to the child finding us with other couples.... altho personally, I would never have a sex get together when my children were home.. gawd....



If your brother and his wife were swingers and chose to swing separately and you believed that their relationship was good otherwise, then you could reassure the child that the 'aura' of her mommy and daddy still existed. Smile, hug her, tell her 'there are things adults do that children don't understand, nor should they. Just know that you are loved and your mommy and daddy are just fine!'

I certainly hope, Diane, that you aren't suggesting swinging is a deviance?

[2SHARE]

Originally posted by ricndi032903
.........we never totally grow up. ...

speak for yourself......

I do not fell the same way you do on that issue.

[biblonde]

Well this is a tuff one...
We never play where my boys could walk in on us. That would not be fun to have happen. My kids know they can ask me about anything and get an answer ...but my sex life is off limits..truthfully how many of us really want to think about our parents haveing sex! I dont mind answering sex questions but it is always answered in the "in general" way.

In saying what I have, all I'm trying to point out that in what we do in OUR lives, has a huge affect on our children should they ever discover the hidden truths about their parents and "friends". And exactly what example are we as "adults" really showing our children.

With this i say it is more important to show my kids every day what it is like to have a loving relationship. I Love You is a normal phrase in our house and is said often, Me and their dad are always hugging and kissing. So they see what true love is all about...I dont see how my sex life could influence them at all...Did knowing about or not knowing about our parents sex life change us in anyway? I dont think so. Sex is just a small part of a marrige (although a very fun part!!) If they did find out, my answer would be that it is our private life and what we do there is our business only. hopefully they would respect that and see that not everyone has to be with the herd so to speak.

well that is my 2 cents for today....s

[fun_pairTX]

Originally posted by ricndi032903
you said your oldest knows, how old is your oldest and how did he or she find out and how did you explain your choice in this lifestyle and how does the child except your way of living???

First off he is 22 and has a child of his own. His S/O is Bi and they do engage in the occasional threesome. Their generation isn't so guarded about their preferences and when it was mentioned we just took them aside and told them of our proclivities. Shortly after we instituted a phone call system to insure we never run into each other. This is a rural area and that DOES happen on occasion, not to us thank God, but our friends have not always fared so well.

[OhioCouple]

Yawanna, I edited your post to put the person you were quoting in bold, so that it wouldn't be so confusing. I hope you don't mind.

You bring up some very fine points and I'll respond to those later, right now, duty calls.

[yawanna]

I wondered how I had done that!!!! I was trying so.....

Many thanks.. I don't have the 'hang' of the extras here... much appreciated!

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by ricndi032903
oh by the way, for just a little giggle in lighting the mood,
my oldest son is 21 and my yuoungest is 12 and I'm still MOMMY, my husband's oldest is 22 and his youngest is 16 and he's still DADDY. and to make you laugh, my husband is 46 and still calls his mom MOMMY....... And until the day both of my parents died, they were still my MOMMY & DADDY.

So just goes to show that no matter how old we get, when it comes to your parents, they will always be MOMMY & DADDY. And there is that little piece in all of us that regard them as royality, teachers, the people we look to to guide our footsteps and protect us from evil, we never totally grow up. ... LMAO....

I don't have children and can't address how I would handle things...can only surmise.

However, this post of yours really struck some notes in terms of the subject matter...the Mommy and Daddy thing.

In some respects, you have answered some of your own questions in terms of kids. Parents will always be Mommy/Daddy and our own parents will always be Mommy/Daddy to us, in most respects.

Just as I would never discuss my sex life with my parents in other than very generic and rather factual terms, if at all, I would never discuss my sex life with my children, either. As others have noted, if children lived in my home, I would do everything within my power to assure they were never made aware of any sexual activities and I honestly believe I could do that with a relative degree of confidence. If it meant having to fork over $$'s for hotel rooms...so be it. Not playing at home...so be it.

On the off chance it was discovered, I honestly believe I would handle it as I would if they walked in on me and my husband...factual, age-appropriate explanations with no apologies or embellishments and with a gentle explanation that my adult activites did not demand review with them. Or something like that. I think. (I'll run it by my dogs and see what they have to say about it! )

- EBF