Yikes. Our kids discovered our sex toys....now what?

[curiousones27]

Help! Our eleven year old daughter just informed us that she saw something she didn't think she was supposed to see. She was looking for socks and ended up snooping through all the drawers in our bedroom and discovered our toy collection. We are not sure about how to broach the topic of sex toys with a child this age and were hoping someone may have experience with something like this. There was not time to discuss it with her at the time and she was told we would have to talk about it some other time. She has since informed her 12 yr old brother that Mom has a rubber "dingy" in her drawer. Help ........we don't want to lie to our children and have already discussed sex with them, but not sex toys. Any ideas?

[Tantra]

Unfortunately I cannot offer any help because we do not have children.

However, your dilemma has gotten me thinking about the future. I think that it would make the most sense for us to teach our future children from day 1 to not be ashamed about sexuality. They would view as normal, things such as nudity, sex, and sexual aids (videos, toys, etc). They would, of course, know the difference between the "normal" world and our world - children are very perceptive and learn easily.

[wrnakedru]

Originally posted by curiousones27 Help! Our eleven year old daughter just informed us that she saw something she didn't think she was supposed to see. She was looking for socks and ended up snooping through all the drawers in our bedroom and discovered our toy collection.

I raised two daughters with my first husband. This husband and I received custody of his daughter and we raised his nephew as our son. So I have encountered most situations more than once.

The first item on the agenda is this: install a dead bolt lock [keyed] either on your bedroom door, or your closet door - but find somewhere to keep anything and everything you do not wish your children to view. If you do not, you may rest assured they will view it - individually, together, and most likely show what they have discovered to their friends as well. They are curious now - and are only going to get more curious as they get older especially since your reaction confirmed she "saw something she didn't think she was supposed to see."

BTW, we recommend the keyed lock on the bedroom door. It not only leaves your room yours privately, but keeps your clothes from getting "borrowed" without permission in your absence. And no! this does not convey a lack of trust to them - it removes the lure of temptation from them while retaining your right to privacy. It also means you don't have to constantly be sure you have returned everything to a designated "hidey hole" each and every time you have gotten them out. That's a nagging worry and pressure you need not impose on yourself. A locked door takes care of that for you.

This is one of those life situations where the best defense is a good offense. It is my opinion that you should not discuss the objects she has seen, or even directly refer to them with her. At this age - and stage of maturity, she lacks the capacity and scope of experience to ingest the information anyway. Truthfully, what they are - even the fact they exist, much less that you have them - is, bluntly, none of her business. So I believe an attempt at that discussion is erroneous.

The tact that should be taken is a discussion of privacy - and your right to that privacy. You don't say, but it sounded as if she took it upon herself to go through your drawers. Is that right? Did you tell her to go look for clean socks in your room, since she was unable to find any clean ones of her own? If there was no discussion by her, or permission from you - she has violated your privacy. You additionally need to tell her that you respect her privacy and expect the same from her. Let her know you do not search through her room without her permission and/or her presence. [if you have done this, you need to stop - unless and until she has given you reason/suspicion that you NEED to do so]

The main thrust of the conversation with her needs to be about the "family" as a functional unit - and each having their roles to play, responsibilites, privileges and rights. You can even go into how over the years the definition of each of these items has changed. That when she was an infant, her "rights" were greater/of a higher level than yours, since she was not capable of fulfilling any of her own needs. Her right to be fed, and diapered, and held - were more important, even superceded, your right to a good nights rest for instance.

And that she still has a right to expect to have a place to sleep, clothes to wear, food to eat - and that you and your husband accepted the responsiblity to provide those things for her when you had her. Although she and her brother have similar [to each other] rights, with the "higher" responsilibities you and hubby have as parents, you also have the higher rights. You "make the rules" for the family. You and hubby each have expectations of each other, and rights. You together have expectations of her and her brother and the right to expect them to adhere to the rules you set for them.

I don't need to go chapter and verse through that entire discussion. You undoubtedly were on the receiving end of it as a child as many times as I was, so you know the words by heart - and which ones you have chosen to incorporate into part of your family unit now.

We are not sure about how to broach the topic of sex toys with a child this age and were hoping someone may have experience with something like this.

As discussed earlier, it is our recommendation you do NOT "broach" this topic. If she attempts to, do not allow the discussion. Tell her that is not the issue being discussed. You could further state you are now and will always be willing to discuss any topics of concern or question she may have but you have no intention now or ever of discussing any topic that is simply private, or unnecessary to discuss with her. Her curiosity does not make a topic necessary. Only a rational reason for a topic can make it necessary. There is no rational reason for a child to be made aware of the sex lives of their parents. It is therefore, not an appropriate topic of discussion. Period.

If she came home from school and said "My friend Sabrina called Tommy a dildo. What's a dildo?" That is an appropriate topic of discussion; a definition of a dildo should be given. If the child is old enough to already possess the foundation of knowledge to comprehend, it is even quite acceptable to define the usages of a dildo.

This is a very different sort of discussion than saying "What you found in my drawer is called a dildo. And this is what we use it for, and how we use it. etc etc" That is, at damned near any age, an inappropriate conversation to have with your child IMHO.

There was not time to discuss it with her at the time and she was told we would have to talk about it some other time.

And that is what you will be doing - discussing the only item(s) in this situation that are appropriate and/or necessary to discuss .

She has since informed her 12 yr old brother that Mom has a rubber "dingy" in her drawer.

I would probably leave that out of the discussion. Kids are gonna talk about things. Often they are quite ignorant about the things they are discussing. That situation will resolve itself. I find no reason to make it a part of the talk you have with your daughter.

Help ........we don't want to lie to our children and have already discussed sex with them, but not sex toys.

This is NOT lying to your daughter. It is the simple refusal to discuss that which is unnecessary and/or inappropriate to discuss when it is in reference to your privacy, and her invasion thereof.

Any ideas?

That's what you've gotten. Based on the experiences of raising 3 girls and a boy who have [knock wood] turned out to be [mostly] grownups with reasonably level heads and families of their own. We have a total of 8 grandchildren in our "blended" family.

We do find great enjoyment in the freedom of our now "empty nest".

[bear_n_bunny]

I've taken a slightly different approach with my daughter, who is 12 BTW. My policy has always been if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to hear the honest answer. The answer has always been toned down for her age, but at least she knows mom won't fudge things for her. As well, it's not just the facts mom gives her, but the whole respect and responsibility aspect that seems to be missing from a majority of sexual education.

My theory is, anything you don't want kids to know, to see, to learn about, is the first thing they'll encounter when your not there. I'd rather my daughter learn it from me. While the subject of sex is still a matter of high interest for her, it isn't a burning curiosity that will get her into a situation she might not be ready for.

Anyway, the point is that my daughter has seen, more than once, my bathtub toy. First I told her it was massager, that was not sufficient, so then I explained I used it for mastrubation. She was definitely sorry she asked. The funny part is that during a conversation this weekend, it seems she'd forgotten the whole thing.

It certainly isn't the toy drawer, which I think wrnakedru solution of the lock is the one to go with. We're having new doors installed and you can bet there will be more than one door with a lock on it.

However you decide to handle the situation, the most important thing I've found is never to give a clue it's something you are embarrased about. Children can smell fear.

-- Bunny

[OhioCouple]

As posted by wrnakedru:

The first item on the agenda is this: install a dead bolt lock [keyed] either on your bedroom door, or your closet door - but find somewhere to keep anything and everything you do not wish your children to view.

This is the only thing I disagree with. I think locking off your bedroom is the wrong thing to do. Having raised three children, one of the things I taught them was respect for my privacy and I always respected theirs. Sure they stumbled on things from time to time, that I wish they hadn't, but they never snooped, just for the kicks, grins and giggles of it. Locking off your room would only make them more curious than ever, as if you had something *evil* to hide.

Granted my children are older (the youngest is 20) but we have had two incidences that had to be addressed in their adult hood. The first being when my youngest had to stay here one night as she was too tired to drive home. She asked if she could borrow a night shirt, which I just said, "Of course, help yourself". We thought we had put away anything sexual...but alas, we hadn't. Not only was the lube sitting out on the hubby's nightstand, I never thought about the clothes that I kept in my dresser drawers. She evily came out while we were watching the news and said... "Shall I wear this...or do you think THIS one?" Holding up one of my 'racier' outfits. Hubby darn near had a coranary, I was the poster child from embarassment. About all I could muster up was that she was too pregnant for THAT garment and I didn't want her to stretch it out.

The second incident was when the same evil child arrived here early one day and I had the Swingersboard up on the screen. She saw it and questioned me about it, but not until after she got home and looked into it. Hence the reason I no longer use my name on this board. Basically what I told her, when questioned, was that there are some things that are private, I had never pried into her private journals, which were hidden all over the house, (she writes) and I knew that if she chose to share it with me, she would. I asked for the same respect from her. To the best of my knowledge, she has respected my wishes.

The thing is, in the situation with your daughter, be honest. If you aren't comfortable telling her more, then don't. And let her know why, whether it is inappropiate for her age or just flat out none of her business. But to not address the situation is not good. I think 12 is a little young for a girl to know about sex toys, however you know your daughter best. If you feel it is inappropriate for her age, then let her know that, and when she gets older and has some questions you will be happy to answer them. Most of all, ask her to respect your privacy....but make sure you respect hers too. Set the example.

That's what worked for me, anyway. Three grown kids later....it still works.

[curiousones27]

Thanks for those who responded. We had been considering a lock on the door for some time and now I guess we need to go ahead and install one. We had already discussed the privacy issue, just not what was seen and I guess we will leave it at that, since they are so young.

[Tantra]

We also need to remember, every insecurity we have and everything we are ashamed of is passed on to our children. It is a hurtful legacy, imo.

[bear_n_bunny]

I have to disagree with OhioCouple and wrnakedru, although for different things.

As Bunny has mentioned, we are about to remodel our home. One of the things we are doing is having new doors (and doorknobs) installed throughout the house. I have checked (we are going with Schlage locks, as we have been reliably told they are very good for the price, and believe me, when remodeling, price is everything) and they have regular indoor doorknobs with the usual pushbutton locks, for bedrooms and baths, but they also have keyed indoor knobs as well. This is where I disagree with Ms. wrnakedru. A deadbolt lock is just a wee bit too ostentatious for anything short of a gun closet in the average home.

Not only is a deadbolt on your bedroom door going to attract a lot of unwelcome attention from your kids, any friends or relatives who come over and happen to walk past your bedroom and see it are also going to wonder what in the hell you have in there that warrants a deadbolt lock on your bedroom door. I'm sure you can see the opportunity for all sorts of embarassing questions from others besides your kids.

I recommend you do what Bunny and I are going to do. That is, get a keyed indoor doorknob for your bedroom. You can lock the room down so as to keep the kids out, but this sort of knob will not attract as much attention as a deadbolt. Actually, the original plan was to put the keyed doorknob on my office door, and just keep all our toys and porn in there, safely under lock and key (along with my computer, which is not exactly "kid-friendly" either). But Bunny wants one on the bedroom as well, to keep her daughter out of her makeup, clothes, etc, so we will do both.

And here is where I disagree with Ms. OhioCouple. Not only give your kids a lecture about respecting your privacy, for whatever it's worth, but keep your toys locked away in your bedroom as well. This is because the sad fact is, no amount of talking is going to keep your kids from tossing your room if they are so inclined, and it is painfully obvious in this case that curiousone27's kids are (their daughter anyway), based on the original post. (Going through all your drawers looking for a pair of socks? That's total bullshit; that kid was tossing your room, for whatever reason, period.)

All I would say to either of your kids at this point, since the cat is decidedly out of the bag now, is that if you catch them rifling through your stuff ever again, you are going to tear them 14 new assholes (it's called "putting the fear of God" in your kids, something that your 11 year old especially, seems to need right now). And also that whatever personal items you have in your bedroom are none of their business, now or in the future.

And put that keyed lock on your bedroom door, and make sure the key works only in that one lock.

As an aside, I know it was mentioned putting the lock on your closet door, which is a good idea, as far as it goes. However, the problem with that is you might forget to put something away that you don't want seen, and leave it on your nightstand or the like. For instance, the other day we had the maid come clean house. After they were gone, we went in the bedroom, and what do we find sitting out in the big middle of Bunny's nightstand, but our bottle of Wet (we had used it a few days before and I forgot to put it away). Oops...

Something extra to think about anyway...

-- Bear

[bear_n_bunny]

Originally posted by Tantra
We also need to remember, every insecurity we have and everything we are ashamed of is passed on to our children. It is a hurtful legacy, imo.

I think this is a bit of a stretch in this case. It's not a matter of shame or insecurity (unless you make it so), but rather a matter of the adult's privacy, which they are entitled to, and which the kids are NOT entitled to violate.

Also, you have the fact that the more abstruse aspects of adult sexuality (such as sex toys, porn, or activities like swinging) are beyond the purview of an 11 or 12 year old child. As has been pointed out, kids that age are not mentally or emotionally mature enough to process this kind of information.

Sure, by this time you can explain to them the basics of human sexuality and reproduction, but that's about all. At that age, the average kid is going to barely have a handle on (pun intended) masturbating themselves, if even THAT much in some cases. Trying to understand all the ramifications of Mom's "Doc Johnson Turbo Tickler (with afterburner)" vibrator, or her Long John Holmes<tm> Dildo of Death (Patent Pending), is apt to be beyond his/her understanding.

Better to hold off on that sort of thing until the kids have a few more years under their belts.

-- Bear

[bill&sabrina]

This wouldn't be a problem if more peolpe were more like Tantra. We feel the same as he does. Bear_n_bunny seem to be on the right track also.
Bill & Sabrina

[NightGoddess]

I agree with Bear_N_Bunny here; the current problem is respect for your privacy.
"---However you decide to handle the situation, the most important thing I've found is never to give a clue it's something you are embarrased about. Children can smell fear."
---I completely agree with this statement!
The real issue isn't who found what, but who was snooping.
Your daughter is changing the issue from 'I was in your stuff without permission' to 'Guess what I found!!!' --- and she noticed. or felt, your reaction.....THAT'S what makes the issue so powerful for all of you.

Stand your ground and completely dismiss/ignore any inkling of concern that she found anything more innocuous than a package of Oreo Cookies. I've hidded candy bars from the kids when they were little (my stash of 1 Mounds bar, to eat whenever...) and you'd have thought they found the a pipe-bomb signed by the Unibomber Himself!
I've got 3 kids, and one of my daughters is very good at the 'bait and switch' regarding some topics. It's just her way of pushing at authority, or whatever. Focus on the behavior, not the specifics, and forget she found anything you are embarrassed about. I promise that one day the kids will know you have a locked box or safe, or room, or whatever.....and will be curious about why it's locked.
The real 'lock' that needs to function here is mutual trust: she trusts you NOT to read her diary, or listen over the phone extension to her conversations.....and you trust her to be respectful of your privacy. Remember, Mom and Dad, you are not on trial here. If she is curious about anything, find out what she was looking for....really. She might be curious about you in a generic sense, as all kids are about thier parents.
Time to whip out the Academy Award Performance that you don't care what she found. Your private life is nobody's business but your own.
"(Going through all your drawers looking for a pair of socks? That's total bullshit; that kid was tossing your room, for whatever reason, period.)"--- Yep, I agree with B&B here too; your daughter was tossing your room. She's seen everything, but it was without your consent. Again, that's where the problem lies. The rest is another issue.
I mean to make curiousones27 feel better about privacy, boundaries and limits, and I hope this helps
Someday, you will laugh about this one! Hopefully soon!

[Weezie]

We do not have any children so I have no real advice here. I was just wondering when a child comes across something that he's not supposed to see, would it be better to shield the child and make a huge issue over it (making him scared or ashamed) or laugh it off and make light of it?
We do have some friends with 3 young teenagers and yes, they have found mom's toys. Her and her new husband made light of it and told them to stay out of their room. The kids thought it was too funny...the youngest child went and hid the dildo in the oldest one's dresser drawer, only to act like he was looking for socks when he came across it! To get the youngest child back, the oldest blew condoms up and put them all over his bed and then covered his door handle with one! Now, I don't mean to get away from the seriousness of this subject, but this was hilarous when they were telling us about it!LOL! This was classic; even better than the time the middle one found the box to their swing. I'm sure it'll come back to bite me in the butt one day.

[biblonde]

Well...I am not gonna offer alot of advice on this one but this is what happened to me. My oldest son was looking for batteries for something and went into my room looking. Me and my husband were sitten in the living room with his dad ( who is a little on the prudish side) When my son walked out with the radio now working. When i asked where he got the batteries from he calmly replyed "out of your vibrator in the drawer under your bed. (he was 9 at the time and had had a vibrator that is for your back so he didnt think much of it) Off he ran with his radio playin while i turned bright red!!!!! and got a hard look from dad-in-law!!! My hubby just laughed and i left the room. Luckly my son never mentioned it again or asked what it was. The only thing said to him after was to stay out of my stuff...My room is for me and his dad not him to go through. So the advice part...let them know that some things are really none of their business and leave it at that. When they are older believe me they figure it out....my son is now 13 and stays well away from my drawer!!

s

[Nymph an' Satyr]

Originally posted by biblonde
So the advice part...let them know that some things are really none of their business and leave it at that. When they are older believe me they figure it out....my son is now 13 and stays well away from my drawer!!
s

We too have a 13 year old, and an 11, and 15 year old. Just recently our 13 year old asked us if we were "kinky" as he discovered our "Chinese shag chair" (swing).

We are quite sure he shared his discovery with his siblings.

Our response:
1. we love each other
2. there is nothing wrong with sex
3. It's NONE OF YOUR business.

Seems to have worked.

And for what it is worth, the question was not embarrasing, it just isn't his business. Last thing we want is our kids thinking sex is embarrassing...

We have discussed getting a locking armoire, and will probably do so. I don't want them finding the whips, ball gags, etc

A locking door is not our mentality

[hfire269]

I think that locking your doors will cause more trouble and Couriosty.... When I was growing up If i had a question about sex or anything along that line it was answered honestly to my maturity level. The toys where always put away in drawers and the maganzines where beside the toliet as long as i can remember. I was taught that sex is a natural thing when you are mature enough. and that is not something to be ashamed of. Locking the doors and lieing to the kids (no matter what age) is wrong.. By doing that it will make them more courious and then they will get into more touble when they arent prepared for it. For example my aunt was always told by her mother that when her dads pants hung on the bed post anpother child was born. So when my aunt discovered sex the pants where never hung on the bed post. they where thrown on the floor the first time and she had a child... and didnt understand why. this happened 3 times before some one finally told her why she was getting pregant. All of that could have been avoided had her mother told her what sex was and what the possiblies are and the risks. WEll thats just my 2 cents.
Hfire269(female half)