Sex Ed and lifestyle parents.

[naughty A]

I was at a lifestyle gathering last night and as it so often does in a gathering of adults the conversation turned to their children,

I'm thinking that swingers in general are more open with their kids about sex, the associated risks and just the expectation that their kids are going to have sex. period. especially compared to the way that their own parents dealt with it.

Now is this a result of their lifestyle or is it a result of the changing attitudes of society in general?

Do you think you are more open with your kids than non-lifestyle parents would be?

[BradAndJanet]

Hmmm...I think that the openness came before the lifestyle for me. In fact, that's what allowed me to consider swinging in the first place. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it really was neither of the things you mentioned. My openness with my children is a direct result of how my parents raised me.

To me it's only natural that parents who are open minded enough to be swingers would be open with their children. After all, we don't feel that sex is anything to be ashamed of or snicker at, unlike a large part of the American public.

-B

[OhioCouple]

Interesting question.

I have seen some light touches on this topic before but I can say that I'd love to hear more about it.

As a single female parent (long before the lifestyle) , I was very good at keeping my daughters up with basic facts regarding sex. With my son, I had my brother-in-law handle it.

I will say that I have become better informed about sexual issues since learning about the lifestyle and reading this board. My children are all grown now and live a distance away, but because of what I have learned, which I share with them when asked, I've noticed that they have become more open in asking me questions relating to their own sexual lives. Quite often a lot more than I care to know.

While I wouldn't want them to be un-informed and I will share my knowledge if I have an answer for them, sometimes it just feels strange knowing pretty intimate stuff about their own sex lives and discussing it with them. It is weird explaining to your daughter about why her husband might not be able to keep an erection, or with your son about different brands of condoms.

I have no problem discussing these sort of things here, but it just feels so freaky to discuss them with my kids. Sometimes I think they suspect that we are in this lifestyle and I am sure that as discreet as we have tried to be that we have probably dropped too many clues to indicate such, (due to our change in patterns) which makes them feel as though they can 'freely' ask whatever questions that are sexually realated.

It is to the point that when my kids called today to wish us a happy Easter (they always call on sundays anyway and ask what we did the night prior) that I felt compelled to relay to them that we were with friends (that they all know) just to make us seem normal....

Does anyone else experiece this? Or am I just a prudish Mom?

Lori

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by naughty A


Do you think you are more open with your kids than non-lifestyle parents would be?

Our involvement in the lifestyle hasn't altered the way we've related to our children in this regard. And while I can't speak for anyone else, I suspect many parents will feel the same way. Many of us, swinging aside, lead relatively conservative lifestyles, especially those of us middle aged who grew up in more traditional families with traditional values.

At the risk of sounding as though I'm highjacking this thread, I've yet to see any value whatsoever in so-called sex education. If knowledge does indeed empower teenagers, those from the 1940's and 50's must have been much brighter than those of today, with the current proliferation of wedless childbirths and STD's.

Does ignorance mean bliss? Without today's constant bombardment of sexual innuendos in music and other media outlets, perhaps so.

Dan

[Lovers6770]

Hello All,

Great question topic. I think the real question is more general in nature though. While I believe that sex ed by the public schools is important, I do believe that it is every parents obligation to inform and be available to their children to discuss matters of sex & sexuality no matter what your beliefs and upbringing. The issue is too important to be left to chance.
While I don't believe in promoting one partictual choice of lifestyle over another I don't think that the choice to pursue & enjoy an "alternate" lifestyle choice is something that should be kept from your children. As with many things of a sexual nature when it comes to children it is important, in general, to wait for them to ask you a question and then provide them an age appropriate answer. That doesn't mean that you should "spill the beans" to your teenagers about your sex life if asked, but to the extent you are comfortable and deem it appropriate, I would not hide the basic fact from them.
My wife and I have had very different upbringings to a large extent. I partly think that to be related to the difference between being male & female more so than social upbringing though. Even given these differences we share many, but not all, similar beliefs about right & wrong and basic human rights which is really what this "personal" choice is all about. So I believe it has nore to do with the individual than it does upbringing. And because of this belief I think that the choice/result is completely an individual one for parents and children to decide on there own.
No evidence to my knownledge has been generated to suggest that any one method is any better or worse than any other save the "do nothing" approach. But even then most people still manage to work it out for themselves eventually. It just takes them a bit longer maybe than it would have to reach a long-term decision about how to live their life.
So rest assured that, what ever you decide to do, there are really no "wrong" decisions.
Sincerely,
Pual & Kalin

[Lovers6770]

opps sorry for the typos

Paul & Kalin

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by naughty A
I was at a lifestyle gathering last night and as it so often does in a gathering of adults the conversation turned to their children,

I'm thinking that swingers in general are more open with their kids about sex, the associated risks and just the expectation that their kids are going to have sex. period. especially compared to the way that their own parents dealt with it.

Now is this a result of their lifestyle or is it a result of the changing attitudes of society in general?

Do you think you are more open with your kids than non-lifestyle parents would be?

Lots of interesting point of views on this thread. It is dear to my heart because I have raised quite a few kids.

One thing that I don't necessarily agree with is the "expectation that kids are going to have sex. period."

Lots of kids choose to not have sex. I don't assume mine will. They do of course have a choice, but I try real hard to prepare them for the inevitable letdown if they have sex and are not ready for it yet.

There are so many pregnant teenage kids now that it has become somewhat of a plague on our society. I have helped raise two of them and their lives are just horrible because of it. Their mother almost encouraged them to have sex in my opinion though. She was so liberated and did presume they would be sexually active. She never showed a negative reaction when she found out about their sexual relations and I think this may have been a form of condoning it.

I am not afraid to say that I think a kid is doing something wrong when I think they are. I don't on the other hand tell them "hey you can't do that anymore", but I honestly express my feelings.

I am older and hopefully wiser so my life choices usually will be different than theirs and rightfully so. I stress to teenage kids that dating is a form of finding out about the opposite sex. I don't mean about how good they have sex, but how they react to situations, how they manage thier anger, how responsible they are, how much they care about their girl/boyfriends feelings etc.

I have always encouraged that sexual exploration doesn't need to include intercourse. You can have a whole bunch of fun just getting naked and using your hands, mouth and maybe a toy.

I was not raised this way and by the time I hit puberty I was bound determined to "get some". It was considered a taboo subject by my parents and the catholic school I attended. They did have sex ed, but i consisted of taking the girls in one room, discussing sex, and the boys went to another room and watched movies about veneral disease.

Now concerning sex-ed, I agree with Canadian Couple and think for the most part this should be left out of the school stystem. Maybe I don't agree with a particular teachers view on sex and I sure don't want them teaching my kids opinions that may clash with mine. I am sure this is very debatable as lots of kids have no other source other than school, other kids or god forbid the TV.

My solution was to talk with the sex-ed teachers before my kids went to class so I knew how the educator was going to handle the subject. If I disagreed I let my kids know what and why I disagreed.

Anyhow so far none of mine have reproduced or gotten a STD, but that could all change tomorrow of course so this no cause to celebrate or brag, but if they do have sexual problems they know they can freely discuss them with me without me going off or getting on a soap box. One does have the right to give a kid an opinion or even advice on sexual matters that is not necessarily embraced by society in general.

john

[naughty A]

Thank you to those who posted.

I have no children and my assumptions were based only on what lifestyle people I know say about their dealings with their own teenage children.

I too was raised in a Catholic household where the only sex education I received was the basic "where do babies come from -talk" and a set of books that provided ALL the information. I misinterpreted this as do your own research, make your own decisions, make informed choices. It was only after I was sexually active, as were most of my friends, that I learned they expected me to be a virgin until I married. We too had pregnant teens in our school and I was determined that that was not going to be my path. This was just before the advent of AIDS and truly our biggest worry was getting pregnant.

I didn't take Sex Ed in school, it was part of the phys ed class which was not a required portion of our curriculum - so I missed it to concentrate on more academic classes.

In talking to parents who are in the lifestyle now I find that they are way more open in discussing sex with their children than my own parents were or the parents of my friends were. I was trying to determine whether it was general openness to sexual discussion or more of a generational thing.

But I do know this - only a 2-3 years ago my mother called me in tears when she discovered my then 25 yr old single brother, who owns his own home - was keeping condoms in his bedside drawer. All I could say was - why are you snooping in his house? but more importantly I'm glad he's taking precautions...

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by naughty A


I too was raised in a Catholic household where the only sex education I received was the basic "where do babies come from -talk" and a set of books that provided ALL the information. . [/B]

I wasn't raised as a Catholic, but all I got from my parents was a 5 book Compton's edition, (between all five books it probably equalled 200 pages) of the basic functions of the male and female anatomy. It didin't really explain "How you got pregnant" but what happened after you did.

My fifth grade health class offered an even lighter overview on what the books did. To this day I have never talked about anything sexual with my parents. They give the feeling of it is a closed subject and you all know how it is done, so there is nothing to be asked or discussed, sort of attitude.

I think my parents would drop dead immediately, if they knew some of the things I have discussed with my own children.....and by most standards, I am pretty closed mouthed according to how I hear others relate with their children.

Lori

[Roxysbayou]

We have been rather open about sex with our oldest. I have had "the talk" with him and I am always trying to make sure that he understands all that goes along with having sex...ie STD's. AIDS, babies, emotions. I want him to know that he can ask us anything, and that we won't judge him. I think that we have always been open, even before we started swinging. I guess that is how we ended up in the lifestyle.

[pa_chip]

Great topic! I could probably write a book...

The short answer is no, I don't feel I'm more open because of the lifestyle. But I feel I'm pretty open with my kids. I have a daughter 18 and 2 boys, 16 & 12. I've had "the talk" with the older 2 and will some day soon with the younger. I view "the talk" as actually being the "first talk". It is an ongoing topic that occasionally must be revisited. Just my view.

My daughter and I have talked a number of times. Has she told me everything? Of course not. I'm not dumb. But I hope that they're all comfortable enough with me to know they can come to me about anything.

I did put my daughter on the pill about a year ago. Along with a pretty long conversation as to why. Besides for her complexion, I just felt I was being pro-active. I made it clear it is not a license to go out and have sex. I am watching a couple down the road raise a third child as their own. It is actually their daughter's who was 16 at the time. To pretend stuff doesn't happen - and to do nothing - is in my view a bigger crime.

My kids have never asked about the lifestyle and I don't offer anything on that front. I don't feel that's secretive. Rather just not the right time.
I do love my kids dearly and try to be open with them about most anything that comes up. And I'm way more open than my parents. No doubts there! But not due to the lifestyle. It's because I care. <EG>

[Gwendolyn]

I think that most people in this lifestyle are more open to begin with. I have been curious about the lifestyle for a long time. My ex could never have handled it. He has very different views. He is preaching to my daughter that "You just don't do it until you're married" Where I'm telling her that she needs to use protection and to tell me before it happens so we can get her on birth control first. I am very happy that I am now with a person that agrees with me on all of this.

[Handyman69]

I think in my situation that the lifestyle may have helped but was my childhood experiences that has led me to be open with my kids. I have always been able to talk to my dad about most everything. He might not have approved of things but always was open. My parents are divorced so I had the priviledge of growing up with a step-father too (I was 14 at the time). I saw how he dealt with his kids..........one by age of 18 had..1 abortion, 1 miscarriage and 1 baby. I vowed then that it was not going to be any of my children. I married into a ready made family...I have tried to be open with them from day one. Has it worked? LOL I don't know but at least they know the door is always open if they need to talk.
So far, all are doing fairly well. Kids..they will make their own decisions anyway but hope that some of what I have said might soak in and make a difference when they get into relationships.


I'm a parent and I'm trying.

Rhonda