Kids and Discretion

[Handyman69]

We are under a situation again. We are corresponding with a couple (in the socializing stage). They have been to our house to play some cards and get to know each other. We invited them over with this understanding and with full knowledge that nothing was to happen as kids would be around. Had a great time and they left with a lot of future expectations.

Question or problem is that they will not call us or chat via internet when their son is at home. We do but are real discrete and watch the conversations and make sure no kids are looking over shoulders to read screens. Are we wrong to allow this? Our reason for letting the kids to know of our "friends" is that if they should call or stop by...as our "social" friends do...then there will be no questions of who are they. At least in our house, there are always kids here...older (16, 18 or the 22 yr old) and of course most of you know of our 5 yr old triplets. Are we different? Our expectations is to find a couple to socialize with in and out of the bedroom. Knowing sex isn't the only reason to see each other.

I know this isn't a big issue but makes us think we aren't good enough to be introduced to friends or family. Guess we need input from all of you..please. We are probably looking too deep into this but has got us thinking.

Please help.

Rhonda

[f4usall]

Hi, we tend to meet people on a social level as well with our kids around. WE do it for exactly the same reason, and it is understood there is nothing sexual happening when they are around. But there is a friendship portion to this as well as the sex part. Our kids are young, so they dont read the screen, but the time will come that they do, so being discreet is always important. I dont think you are doing anything wrong by meeting like this on a social basis, and if they wont talk to you now, maybe they just arent someone you really want to be friends with anyhow.

[OhioCouple]

Rhonda,

You don't say how old your friend's son is, or what your typical conversations with the other couple were when the son was not in the house. I don't want to offer an opinon without that knowledge. It sounds as though you are doing what is right in your household, but without knowing more about theirs, it is hard to have an opinion. Also, did their son come to your home on the evening that you met socially?

Lori

[lynn3]

Hi Rhonda.....We're in a similar situation , having kids of the
same approximate ages. While the older no longer live at
home, we still have a 16 & 8 year old here.

And yes, we use the computer VERY discreetly, as you do, too.
We both agree that you are doing this the right way. So, as
to your question.....No, I don't think you are different at all. To
us it makes more sense to let the kids think they are just
another friend. I don't have to tell you how astute kids are,
esp. the teens, and were they to think you were 'hiding' friends
would certainly raise some eyebrows, as well as get some
brains to clicking.

Now, I am absolutely against 'playing' at home. I think that it
should always be done away from the home, i.e., hotel, etc.
That said...............

Your friends decision to not talk via internet while their son is
at home can be understandable. Especially if their computer
is somewhere like the family room. IMO, they are being a little
TOO cautious, though. Will they not even talk when their son
is in bed asleep? As you said, there are ways to be discreet
while on the computer. So NO, we do not think you are 'wrong'
to do this. Both me and hubby agree that as long as you are
careful and don't let anyone see what's going on, everything
should be okay...........Good Luck and we hope everything goes
well with you friends........jim & janet

[Handyman69]

Lori,

Their son is 16 also and they do have another older son who lives outside the home...as our 22 yr old does. We have not met their sons at this point. Our conversations were social here....not sexual by no means. Might have been some quick comments but they were done when kids were upstairs and out of hearing range.

We just want to be able to call without feeling sneaky. Feels weird and we just want to be comfortable as you would if you call your next door neighbor. We don't want their son to start asking questions or wondering who we are......we would like to call, for him to answer and for him to turn and say.."hey mom...its Rhonda" and hand the phone over and for him to go on with what he was doing. Understand?

Thanks for the responses...in our minds we knew what we have been doing was right for us. We don't want our kids to ponder on why they are emailing, chatting or talking to a couple. Just let them know we are and they do the same with their friends...why can't we.

Rhonda

[babydragon]

There could be a number of reasons why this is happening. Mayne people are cautious when their kids are around, I know I am, but if the covsersation is not seuxally orientated I cant see the problem. Could the other couple have maybe getting second thoughts?, are they newbie swingers, unsure of how it all really works.

I'd advise you to arrange a time when you and the other couple can either meet up and chat when no kids are around.

[northmoduo]

I think maybe your being to hard on yourself. Listen we also have teenage children and NEVER use our pc in the family room for any adult chat of any kind. Maybe your couple is like us. We have a G rated internet acct. and we have a "play" internet acct. Could be that your couple is just not PC savvy and are worried about the kids finding things on the computer that they don't want the kids to see.
I dunno its just my humble opion.

[ciscosv]

I think that we should keep in mind that every couple is different. Your level of discretion is not theirs. This couple is alot more cautious. I don't see anything wrong that at all. Are you being wrong? Not at all. You want freinds in and out of the bedroom.

[MattMann]

I am just dismayed to learn that the kids will still be there when they are 22. Ours are 13 and 10 and I can't believe 12 years from now, at least one will still be here Will we never get our freedom back?

[Handyman69]

MattMann,

The 22 yr old lives about a 1/4 mile away so she is in and out of here during the week. Our 18 yr says she is "outta here" after graduation. She doesn't have a job but thinks she can make it on her own.

Acutally to answer some of the other questions...they (he) email us all the time. But probably you guys are right. As for you wondering if anything sexually goes on here when the kids are home....NO WAY NO HOW. As for the chatting...I understand. Our computer is up at the top of a stairway..between the older kids' room so we know about discretion.

Well we will get over it. Thanks for all the help.

Rhonda

[OhioCouple]

Rhonda,

It sounds to me with all the additonal information that you are definitely handling it in the best way for your household.

Although we do not have children living in our house, they do pop in from time to time. We had an instance whereas my youngest answered the phone from one of our swing friends. They were so stunned at that moment that when asked if they could tell us who was calling their reply was "Oh just a friend from the internet." Not at all the best reply, but nonetheless we spent a full evening trying to explain the phone call was from nothing other than a friend. I believe the way you are handling it is the correct way. No pretenses and the kids have all the info that they need to know. Trying to hide things makes kids more suspicious especially when it involves teenagers. It is quite likely that your friends have not learned this yet, for if they had....anyone could call there and your typical teenager would just roll their eyes and think to themselves....(boring or Oh...you again.)

I say you keep handling it the way you have thus far in your own household, but be understanding of those that haven't quite figured it out. Especially if you really like them.

Lori

[Alura]

We prefer that our playmates get to know our children, and we, theirs. That's what friends do. I think your friends are making a mistake. Hiding swinging is a lot easier than hiding friends.

Maybe all y'all should engineer a meeting somewhere. Arrive separately and start chatting in a bookstore or in line at a restaurant, or anywhere. Perhaps it would ease their mind if you had an answer for, "How do y'all happen to know each other?"

Twenty-two and at home??? Our kids will surely go away to university, won't they? Won't they?????????

Alura

[JustAskJulie]

I think it may be the difference between swingers who are looking for friendship and more... and swingers who are lookign for sex and maybe more.

We don't have kids ourselves but usually if we get to know another couple and they do have kids, we eventually meet them. I would much rather the kids think we are just regular friends with their parents than to have us call and not have a clue who we are and start wondering.

[Nymph an' Satyr]

While meeting other couples for the first time, we would not tell our kids where we were going or who we were going with. After about the 5th such anonymous rendevous, the kids' eyebrows started to perk. "Just where the hell were mom & dad going?" was their unspoken question.

Now we have finally met a couple that we are compatable with. It is MUCH more comfortable to tell the kids that we are going to John & Jane Doe's house for lunch, and here is their phone number in case of an emergency.

We fully expect to have John & Jane Doe over our house at some point for a purely social evening of entertainment (no play). I will have no problem introducing them to the kids as our friends- as they have indeed become our friends.

I don't play or have couples over at my home AT ALL PERIOD. When we are able to have a REAL friendship I will allow that couple over on a social visit. Our kids are 5 and 7 and I don't want them asking why mary and john don't come over anymore. I will not allow differnt friends over and having contact with them I think they would wonder why we all of a sudden we have 10 friends lol. If and when we meet a real couple that we call friends that's when my kids will meet them also. As for the pc and chat we do whatever we want online. Both of our computers are in our bedroom. Our 7 year old plays games but, he dose not open folders or read messages. If we are in a nasty chat and they come in we tell them we are busy go play...problem solved 4 now till they get older. I think what you are doing is 100% right 4 you and what the couple you are talking about is doing is 100% right 4 them. To each his/her own. I would not bring my kids to anyones home. We are not chatting to a couple anymore because they did not see why we can't bring our kids over to meet their kids and when the kids are in bed the adults play..that is gross to me. I could never bring my kids somewhere strange to them and expect them to sleep so we could get our fun. They have only stayed all night with their grandparents. This other couple says they have done that many times just let the kids all play cook out party then when they go to bed the adults let lose..that works 4 them not this momma and pappa bear.