My mother is a swinger

[3465]

My mother is a swinger. I do not live with her anymore, I'm in school 3 hours away. My brothers live with her, they are 14 and 11.

My 14 year old brother wrote me an email in the middle of the night last night. He was extremely disturbed after finding two condom wrappers under his pillow and then some more condoms around his room. Apparently my mother had a party the night before.

I'm really quite pissed that my mother let strangers violate my brothers' rooms.

I plan on asking her to apologize to my brother, to promise to him it will never happen again, and to re-evaluate her commitment to raising my brothers as best as she can.

I don't care what she does and I do not pry into her life, but I feel like she has failed to develop mutual respect with my brothers and provide a sacred home for them to grow up in.

I come to you all, as a swinger community, and ask you if you feel like I am approaching this correctly.

Thank you.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by 3465

I come to you all, as a swinger community, and ask you if you feel like I am approaching this correctly.

Yes and no...

She was wrong to use your brother's room - and you should point that out to her. Certainly, if she had a party and did not clean up afterwards you have to question her housekeeping skills. Letting people party in your brothers room is bad enough - not cleaning up afterwards is just kind of gross. His room should be his own.

As for the rest of it - I am not quite sure that her actions convey the way that most swingers behave. Our families come first and are very important to us. Most of us - I would like to think - would not do something like that. If you were my son, your room would be your own - but if you were my son, the rest of it would be none of your business

Spoomonkey

[sexychoclit]

Your mother, should be a mother first. People should also respect her home, however if she does not respect herself then she can't expect others too.

Don't get me wrong, just because she is in the lifestyle doesn't mean that she doesn't have respect for herself. However, she should do everything in her power to not involve her children in it.

I would make your mother aware of what your sibling found and how it has effected him. Acknowledge the fact that you realize she is an adult and can live her life the way she chooses, however she should not expose her children to it.

[Lumina]

I'm sure it can be pretty unnerving to discover your mother is a swinger.

However, this doesn't seem to be as much a swinging issue as much of a violating your brother's space issue. It would be just as wrong, in my opinion, for parents to have sex in their kids' beds as it is to let strangers do it. Although allowing strangers to get body fluids all over the sheets and even moreso not washing afterward is beyond disgusting.

If she wanted to have a party in her house, that's entirely her business. (Though she had better be damned sure her kids aren't going to catch wind of it--not a risk I'd be willing to take) But her sons' rooms should have been inviolable.

It is possible she didn't know people had entered there and that's why she didn't clean up. Maybe she had made the room off limits but some people didn't follow it. I suppose even nonswinger house guests could technically be so inappropriate as to do the same thing, however unlikely.

I have found in most situations it's not a good idea to start a confrontation guns blazin'. It puts the other person on the defensive inhibiting a resolution. It also sets me up to look like a jerk. It's always possible that the person is unknowledgable and would be highly contrite once informed. I agree that I would tell her what your brother found and how it is affecting him. "Ummm, mom? The other day brother found some condom wrappers under his pillow. Yeah, he's pretty freaked out about it."

I plan on asking her to apologize to my brother, to promise to him it will never happen again, and to re-evaluate her commitment to raising my brothers as best as she can.

I suggest letting her come up with a solution first. She certainly should do all of the above, but people don't take well to attacks to their parenting when they make mistakes. If she acts cavalier about it then the request would be warranted.

[Chicup]

Call me a doubting Thomas but something doesn't ring true.

While I suppose someone who wasn't 'mother of the year' material might allow such a thing to happen, it just doesn't seem to be reasonable.

You also seem to be a very sincere and educated person, and I can't quite picture a mother willing to allow such a thing to happen producing a child able to articulate their feelings so well .

Now assuming that what you wrote is true, and that is a big assumption on the internet, you need to examine the possibility that your 14 year old brother is making it up. 14 is one of those very sensative ages and if he knows what his mother is doing, he may be desperate enough to lie to you in order to get her to stop it. I find it rather hard to imagine ANYONE would not have their childrens room off limits to a swinging house party. It is possible that someone snuck in of course, but that too is not fitting with most swingers, so while possible it is also improbable.

Also this line worries me because of its implications...

provide a sacred home for them to grow up in

What makes a sacred home?

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by 3465

My mother is a swinger. I do not live with her anymore, I'm in school 3 hours away...

I'm curious.

How do you know that your mother is a swinger?

I'm interested in when and how you learned this.

LM

[clutch]

I don't know how to not be indelicate here, but if your father's not involved, I don't think your mom is swinging; she's just having sex--especially if there are a lot of condoms in the same room with her being the one woman.

Perhaps there were a lot of other women in the room, too. But usually swingers (at least the one's I've known), are pretty diligent about cleaning up after themselves--at some point, that is, before they go home.

However, whatever the case, it sounds like your mom has a healthy sex drive. (If you're away at school, you probably know what I'm talking about when I say "healthy sex drive.") If I were in your shoes, and I decided to even say anything, I'd just say, "Mom, I hate to bring this up, but the kids found some sex stuff in one of there rooms-- I love you, but could you be more careful?"

My mom swung, plus.... Since I grew up with it from being very small, it never bothered me. I knew some kids who's mother's actually hooked. It didn't bother them because she explained to them she loved them, and that's what put the bread on the table.

Regarding the sacred bit... a lot of what religions would call "sacred" people, King David for instance, had a lot of sex with a lot of women--yet God called him a "man after his own heart"... and, note, that was after he died. It would seem that God places far more weight on other things and heart attitudes then on whether or not a person likes a little bit of sexual variety.

So if this letter is real, then I think your best plan is to not make it into a federal case; be calm; be centered, and just tell your brothers everything is cool, ask your mom to be careful, and above all, love and honor your mom.

[sereneiders]

I don't know the whole story here.... You're telling something on the grounds of what you brother told you, being 14 years old.

IF the whole picture is right, I agree with you on your approach. BUT, first I'd dig it deeper as to know the whole story, particularly your mather side of this story.

And, somehow it seems to me you don't need, or don't want to, hear her side of the story, as if this "discovery" weren't so surprising to you.

In any case, I don't know how do you jumped to conclude your mother "is swinger"... I mean, where that came from? codoms on the floor? did you brother witnessed what happend or he's telling "she's swinger" (being 14 years old)?

In any case, you're talking about your mother here... not your parents, not your mother and a boyfriend, not your mother and some friend. If you take the time to read around you'd see swinging is a couple's thing. It may involve singles with couples, but if all the involved people are singles (without their spouses being there), it is just recreational sex.

You may ask: What's the difference? Well, swinging requires some rules to be followed in order to protect the couples relationships (physically, emotionally), and of course, the couples environment. Some people may claim to be swingers just because they have unattached sex with several people at the same time, but as you may see around, the swingers community wouldn't endorse such a claim.

As others pointed out, I am not totally convinced about this being a real story, but if what you said is the truth as you see it, I'd start by asking how anger are you with you mother because of having sex with someone who isn't your father in the first place, and IF there was more than one lover in the same bed, how much more anger youd be... even before starting calling her names.

She's you mother, and a woman, and so far, without anything else supporting a previos story about lack of care, negligence or abuse, she deserve your respect about the choices she make for her own life.

[LikeMinds321]

At 14 I also think it is very possible that your brother was experimenting with condoms (or a girlfriend) and was found out by your mom.

Maybe he wrote to you with a "mom has swingers in my bedroom" story to save himself the embarrassment of your learning of his awakening sexuality via your mom.

LM

[Pinmonkey]

I think it's very coincidental that this post came about just after gatorvol64's post about their 15 year old son outing them.

but it could just be me.

[2BeDeviled]

Glad I'm not alone on this ... the timing and the discrete articulatation of the "sacred" line had (pardon my indelicateness) religious nutball written all over it. Gatorvol's difficulty is all too real, and doesn't deserve exploitation ...
Mr BeDeviled

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by 2BeDeviled

Gatorvol's difficulty is all too real, and doesn't deserve exploitation ...

I am glad a couple of folks have pointed this out.

While I am fairly convinced that the OP is "trolling", I did think the answers of parents would be fairly positive for the over all "image" of swinging... No - most of use wouldn't have sex or leave condoms in our children's rooms...

Swingers are good parents in at least the same proportions as the rest of the world - religious or otherwise. And while this thread has nothing to do with Gatorvol's original post, I'd just say that based on what I do know about the two of them, they are a great example of what a good parent looks like.

Spoomonkey

[Pinmonkey]

I didn't mean to imply it had anything to do with the Gatorvols other than some unscrupulous scoundrel might have gotten the idea for this post after reading of their unfortunate situation.

[Thrax]

...and my father smells of elderberries.

(Sorry, but every time I read that thread title, that popped into my mind. I'm a bad person, I know. )

Thrax

[flkeyscouple]

Originally Posted by Thrax

...and my father smells of elderberries.

(Sorry, but every time I read that thread title, that popped into my mind. I'm a bad person, I know. )

Thrax

Thrax,
Your sense of humor cracks me up every time! :rollseyes

Sarah